Fallen Horizon
by Bronzehyperion
Summary: New Moon from Edward's point of view. This follows my previous story Continuance: the remaining chapters of my version of MS , following the great partial draft SM wrote. I don't own any of the Twilight characters, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
1. Prologue: The End of Summer

**PROLOGUE: THE END OF SUMMER.**

I wasn't quite sure what'd set it off but I was certain this was what a sheer panic attack would feel like. It had to be so, because I always believed this place to be so peaceful, magical even and it looked terrifying to me now. It made no sense. Wasn't I past all this _worry_?

Apparently not, because unless my eye-sight - more perfect than 20-20 vision - was deceiving me right now and I was just imagining things, it appeared I was being hit by a freight train labeled 'worry' in capital bolded letters on the side.

I shivered, unnoticably, trying to find a word to best describe how I felt.

_Haunted._

_That_ worked.

I was surrounded by what looked like a world coloured in sepia tones. Like a scene straight from a horror film. Combined with a deafening silence, the view made me feel very ill at ease.

I was kind of expecting monstrous creatures to emerge from the hazy filter of fog covering everything around me because it would fit perfectly within the scene I was imagining.

But nothing happened and I wasn't quite sure where this sudden feeling of despair came from.

_Stop being so ridiculous_, I silently chided myself. There was nothing to worry about. After all, I was the only thing coming straight out of a horror film.

The only monster around here was _me._

I sighed. So much for the final days of _summer_ in Forks.

The Olympic Peninsula was almost permanently hidden under a cover of grey clouds so it was not at all a surprise that even during the summer it rained for the most part.

This year was the worst because it had been the rainiest summer in the history of our small town. Forks had _never_ been wetter.

For my family and I _this_ was ideal. We welcomed it, because the rain didn't phase us. Also, it meant we didn't have to hide. A day where the sky was filled with a thick overhead of clouds was a day where the Cullens could go about their way freely, escaping the risk of glistening vampire skin exposure.

The downside of this consistent downpour was how it affected the amount of time one could spend outdoors and while it used to make no difference to me, I was no longer in the position to ignore these cloudbursts in spite of the fact the cold and the wet didn't affect me personally.

It still amazed me how I still got so overwhelmed by feeling human. Perhaps that was the reason for my newfound vunerability. For an indestructible creature, I was feeling extremely _breakable_.

_Here in the meadow_ - how lovely this place normally was compared to the glooming picture I saw now - the wetness had wreaked its havoc, leaving behind this eery palet of little color and savaged plants. The wildflowers were withered, rotting away because of the moist grounds. The grass reaked of mud mixed with a hint of dirty rain water and the mildew growing on the rotting wildlife.

It was the first time since that fateful day, where I had bared myself completely, unveiling what I really was, I had returned to the meadow. All summer it had been impossible to come here, with the constant rain soaking the grounds, turning the earth into a gigantic mudpool.

But for whatever reason, it was not raining today. A hint of sunlight even peeked through the clouds. It dried the grounds, leaving behind a cloud of humidity which perfectly illustrated the feel of my depression.

I breathed in, scenting the aftertaste of heavy moisture in the air on my tongue. That, and a more heady, overpowering aroma.

After six months the effects hadn't faded one bit. The power with which this fragrance hit my nostrils, the way it shot up venom in my throat or how somewhere deep inside something long forgotten erupted; desire.

It was still so very _compelling._

The object of this longing was lounging on a thick blanket, protecting herself from the soiled grounds. She smiled at me widely, trustingly.

_Bella._ The girl who made up my entire existence now. My _only_ love.

_My midnight sun._

Momentarily, it made this otherwise morose looking meadow seem like it was bright and on fire.

She was enjoying herself, reading in a book she had brought along. Watching her being so concentrated, completely taken in by whatever Shakespearean story she had already memorized, was very engrossing. Occasionally, I'd pick up the book and read the stories to her aloud, which she seemed to enjoy as much as reading it to herself in silence.

And so, I had absolutely no reason to be unhappy, or to feel bad. Bella was here with me and everything was perfectly fine. Like it had been all summer, there was nothing for me to worry about.

Maybe my sudden unhappiness stemmed from the fact it was the last day before school began. And at Forks High I'd have to share her again.

I was trying hard not to show too much of this humiliating streak of possessiveness that had developed itself ever since I had met Bella. I was pretending to be perfectly at ease when Mike Newton smiled at her in spite of the fact I couldn't escape the repelling thoughts Newton harboured. He was back on the market - he and Jessica Stanley had broken up - silently hoping for another chance with Bella. He gave 'wishful thinking' new meaning. Surely he knew he'd never be with Bella.

Still, his secret longing had gotten worse, especially after Bella had decided it was absolutely necessary to get a job, unbeknownst to how her eventual choice of labour would play into Mike Newton's hopes.

I did understand her reasoning behind Bella feeling the need to have a job. Work included a paycheck and this money was supposed to go into a college fund. This pleased me, at least she was thinking about her _human_ future, rather than hoping for the _alternativ_e. Bella had started this fund on her own because she wasn't certain if Charlie was already saving up for this - like most parents did - and she wasn't about to ask him either.

_Money _was the issue here. Chief Swan was clearly not a very wealthy man and Bella was far too stubborn and self-relient to assume her parents would be saving up money for the purpose of a higher education. Naturally, I had offered to pay her tuition and every time her answer, or rather _warning _had been the same. I was not allowed to support her financially _in any way_.

I'd contemplated to start a college fund for her secretly, but I wasn't quite sure if she'd ever be reasonable enough to accept my money. Knowing Bella, she probably wouldn't.

So, to have a decent shot at financing college Bella had insisted on finding a job and since Forks didn't have a broad enough job-market, she'd ended up working at the sporting goods store the Newton family owned. Of course Mike worked there too and he was _thrilled_ by the fact he could talk to Bella freely, knowing I could do nothing but tolerate it when I was on his territory.

Bella flipped a page and sighed contently. She glanced up at me and smiled. As I returned her smile I realized how much I actually dreaded the idea of having to share these smiles with her friends. With _other boys_.

But was that the underlying reason for my unease? Was I worried about sharing Bella? Was I _jealous?_ I had been before and while I remembered the vicious pain that had accompanied the feling I couldn't imagine it'd be worth an imaginary panic attack.

I thought about the upcoming school year. We were_ seniors _now.

This was another rite of passage. One I was determined for Bella to experience. Thankfully she wasn't as difficult about this, the way she had been about me taking her to prom, which was good. At least she still saw some value in a proper education.

As for everything else, Bella seemed to have only one wish.

_Immortality._

I had tried to prevent us from talking about the impending vision of doom Alice frequently had about Bella's future but occasionally she'd tried to touch upon the subject during summer break. It had ended the same every time.

In _an impasse._ I wasn't going to change her and she wasn't going to let it go. It was an incomprehensible concept - Bella should never be comdemned to an immortal life - and I had decided to fight against it. Much to Bella's dismay since she believed it to be the only way to secure our future. Sometimes she murmured about it in her sleep when she spoke of wanting to be with me forever. This was wonderful, of course but the longing for us to never be separated didn't outweigh the outrageous idea of taking Bella's life away.

My sister was Bella's biggest supporter, especially now that they'd managed to become close friends, the way Alice had foreseen long before she and Bella had been properly introduced.

This strongly formed friendship was the main reason Alice had spend a good part of the summer with Bella and me. Bella felt oddly comfortable around my house, which still baffled me at times. It was like she had always belonged there, when she was hanging on the sofa, chatting with Esme or Carlisle. When Alice was abusing her with beauty products or dragging her to her room to watch romantic DVD's. _It came naturally_ and according to my tiny future-seeing sister, it was further proof Bella was meant to become one of us.

The only ones who seemed to still have difficulty with Bella's presence were Jasper and Rosalie. Emmett was on good terms with her. He actually thought Bella to be hilarious and he genuinly liked her, but Rosalie clearly still disapproved of our relationship. Of course her behavour was unjustified because it was more about my sister's vanity than anything else. Things had been easier lately since Rosalie and Emmett were traveling Africa to celebrate yet another honeymoon. I could tell Bella felt more at ease in the absence of Rosalie.

Jasper remained to have a hard time around Bella too, though occasionally he would make an effort and accompany Alice to one of her pre-meditated movie dates with Bella and me. Pre-meditated because Alice was determined to help Jasper get stronger. I applauded her attempts though I wasn't very comfortable with the idea she used Bella to test him, knowing what these evenings meant for his self control. It continued to be very hard for him to be around Bella so freely. So, mostly Jasper kept his distance, something I could understand. I even welcomed it, because somehow it felt safer.

It wasn't like I didn't understand Jasper's pain. I too, was still frequently overwhelmed by Bella's scent and it took me as much - _if not more _- strength than it did Jasper to keep my mind from wandering down dangerous places.

And it was so difficult sometimes to keep focused when Bella was close to me, her warm lips against mine, her overheated body pressed against me. I needed to constantly remind myself she was human and breakable and any lapse in control on my part could harm her. Or worse, _kill _her.

I still spend every night in her room and most of the time, in her _bed_. Bella insisted on this, not caring about my cold skin against her body or the fact I didn't sleep. She had reached a point where she couldn't sleep without me humming her into peaceful dreams.

Our eyes met again and Bella patted the spot next to her. With her finger she motioned me to close the small distance between us, her wide smile and warm chocolate eyes pulling me in.

For a moment the meadow was on fire again, blinding me from the worries about some kind of disaster striking. The most beautiful girl in the world was mine and she wanted to be with _me_. Everything was simply _perfect._

As I sat down, Bella shifted her weight, forcing herself to sit in between my pulled up knees. She snuggled against my chest, taking my arms to wrap them around her like a comfortable blanket to keep her warm.

Except I wasn't warm. Not warm like a _human._

I brushed my lips against the hollow underneath Bella's ear, down the side of her neck to her collarbone, her skin -hot from the strong pulse of fresh blood - burning my lips. Her heart thudded loudly at my touch and when she turned to face me, I noticed how her cheeks were a bright red. She flashed me a quick smile before she pressed her lips against mine.

As our lips met and our kiss intensified, Bella pulled me closer to her, forcing me to feel this craving I felt whenever we were this close. After a few seconds I gently pushed Bella away as I felt my self control beginning to slip.

Bella grinned apologetically as we both gasped for air. I wrapped my arms around her, softly stroking her hair as she leaned against my chest.

Slowly consciousness came back to me and with it came a realization. Venom filled my mouth as a warning. Painful memories tugged at the edge of my mind as a reminder.

_Oh._ Was _that _it.

The origin of my _agony._

All summer I'd been free from it; the _angst_. The aching knowledge that my nature would eventually force me to leave Bella. That it was the only sensible thing to do. It was back with a vengeance, pounding against my dead heart, pushing itself back into my mind. No wonder the meadow was looking so terrifying. The truth was never pretty when it came back to haunt you.

This wasn't about jealousy, or the anxiety of facing a new school year. I didn't let someone as insignificant as Mike Newton rule my feelings, well not for the most part anyway. These trivial things didn't rattle me as much as the truth did.

This was about the_ future_. That's where all the uneasiness, _the acute panic_, came from.

And the endless rain during the summer had been an unforeseen _omen_. More proof of how bad Bella and I matched. She should've gone to California with her father, like she had done past summers. Or visit Renée and Phil at their new home in Jacksonville.

It always came back to the same thing. I had no right to claim her like this, no right to forgot about _what *was* right _whenever Bella wrapped her arms around my neck to pull herself closer to me. No right to let myself get lost in these lingering yearnings.

I had no right to do the _wrong_ thing. _Not anymore_. Not since James had almost killed her, proving I was a lousy protector. I knew all this, but it hadn't moved me to act on my self disgust, to_ 'take myself out of the equation' _as Carlisle had put it a long time ago. Instead I had allowed myself to be happy again - forgetting how I had almost let James kill Bella. I had drowned in the perfect bliss of summer Bella and I had spend together, despite all the rain.

But I was resurfacing now as I looked at the sky and watched new - darker - clouds rolling in. They were accompanied by something else, something _sinister_.

I could feel it - a tragic heaviness inside me - though I couldn't quite find an _explanation_ for it.

One thing was certain, it wouldn't be long before this luck would run out and when it did, Bella would suffer.

_Again._

And when that happened, it would no longer matter how perfect the past few months had been.

I now understood why the meadow had lost its colour, why the sun had refused to shine all summer long and why it was so bleak now. I knew why I felt so wary, believing something terrible was going to happen.

I couldn't escape it anymore. Not even _here_, in the happiest place I had ever known.

I breathed in deep, letting the air - still a mixture of the moist from the rain and Bella's heavenly though very dangerous scent - fill my lungs.

My throat scorched from the aching thirst.

How _befitting_ it was to mark the moment.

_The end of summer._

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**This 'darker' meadow scene is clearly made up, though some of the events passing through Edward's mind were mentioned in NM. The rest is the liberty I took to put this to paper to set the tone. Not a happy tone, of course.**

**Special thanks to HorseCrazy jr. who took the time to send me some title suggestions for New Moon from Edward's POV. I choose "Fallen Horizon", because it was already sort of stuck in my head, but I want you to know I do appreciate you took the time to come up with something and I will keep them in mind :)**

**Alright, hopefully, if time and creativity allows me, the first 'real' chapter will be up next weekend.I wish it could be sooner, but I have so little time this week.**

**Happy weekend!**


	2. Party

**CHAPTER 1: PARTY**

_Midnight._

Far away I could hear a clock softly chiming. _Twelve_ times.

It was finally _here._

I didn't need the reminder of the swinging pendulum, for it was easier for me to look at the sky. I could taste the passing time in the air.

September twelve flowed into the thirteenth.

Bella's birthday, _officially._

Though Bella wasn't the least bit interested in celebrating.

Her restless night gave proof of that as she tossed and turned in her bed.

I tried to hold her more tightly, hoping to ease her worries with my embrace. But this didn't sooth her very much. Occasionally she mumbled my name, more urgently with each time she spoke it. But she never calmed enough to relax into a peaceful slumber.

_All this_, because of her birthday. A day most people enjoyed was a day of national grief for Bella. She preferred to ignore the fact of getting a year older. And urged all those around her to do the same.

And so, we had come to a rather strange - well strange _in my_ eyes - agreement a few weeks ago, when Bella was displaying more and more distress about the up and coming celebration of the day of her birth. She had forbid me to wish her a happy birthday when that - _in her_ eyes - dreadful day would come.

Also, I wasn't allowed to spend any money on a birthday gift. Or present her with a gift _to begin with._

At first I wanted to ignore her request, I was going to spend money whether Bella could deal with it or not. After all, I was her...boyfriend - I still needed a better word, but the description sort of fit - and part of my job was to shower her with gifts and attention, especially on her birthday. And since she captivated all my attention all of the time regardless if it was her birthday, all that was missing was to lavish gifts on Bella. But then, I didn't want to ignore her request - no matter how odd I found it - because it would make her feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to make Bella unhappy.

In the end I'd talked to Esme about my dilemma and she had adviced me _not_ to overdo it. The best gifts were the ones from the heart, the ones money couldn't buy. The kind Bella would - perhaps - appreciate if there was _indeed_ no spending of money involved.

Eventually I had found the perfect gift and it didn't cost me a dime. I'd played songs for Bella, including her lullaby and Esme's favourite on my piano and Alice had helped me record them on a CD, because I couldn't imagine Bella would enjoy the idea of me putting a Steinway in her house so I could play the songs live.

I thought about this as I waited for morning to come, sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of Bella's room. It never ceased to amaze me how awed I was by Bella and her beauty. How she managed to captivate me all the time. As I stared, taking in her low even breathing and every heartbeat that filled the room, a familiar pain rippled through me, an antagonizing feeling resurfaced. This was going to end at some point. A time would come where I'd no longer belonged in this room as a guardian-angel protecting Bella from the bad dreams and the monsters of the night. Where it would no longer be my place to remain at her side.

How many times had I sat here, reminding myself over and over, trying to force myself into a soberness, a clarity which would ensure this responsiblity I owed Bella. But the epiphany never came. I always found an excuse to stay. There was never a reason big enough to go.

When I heared the clock chime - six times now - I knew it was time to go home. I could already hear Charlie slowly starting to wake up. _My que _to leave.

I pressed my lips against Bella's cheek - softly, so I wouldn't wake her - and whispered "Happy Birthday", in her ear before I ducked out the window.

I hurried home to find Alice there, wrapping presents.

"So, is Bella looking forward to her birthday?", she wondered, idle hope evident in her voice.

I gave her an exasperated look. "_What_ _do *you*_ think..."

Alice rolled her eyes. "She needs to lighten up about this. We're throwing her a surprise party and all. She should be happy!"

Right, any other person _would_ be happy and excited about their birthday. But this was Bella. A girl who hated any kind of attention drawn to her.

The living room was filled with boxes containing pink candles and ceran-wrapped bouquets of roses were covering the table next to the piano.

_Lots of pink. Too_ much, in fact. I feared Bella wasn't going to be very keen on all the pink attributes. But _this_ was Alice, who never had a human story to live and tell. Now she was reliving the experience through Bella.

I picked up one bouquet and sniffed.

_Not bad_. But not as heavenly and mouth-watering as Bella's fragrance.

"Careful!", Alice warned, "I still need those. Don't break them!"

"Or you'll break _me_?", I teased.

"I _might..", _Alice glared, "Surely Bella will enjoy the party once she sees this place all dressed up and festive..."

"Perhaps, but don't expect _too much_. I am sure Bella will give it her best effort to dislike all this...", I pointed out, "Even if she secretly enjoys it a little bit.", I added.

Alice sighed. "I _know_. Well, I am going to change for school. I take it, Bella is driving herself this morning?"

Bella usually drove herself to school, because Chief Swan wasn't happy with the idea of me picking up his daughter. More specifically, he disapproved the idea of the two of us in my car, _unsupervised_.

It was a safe assumption to make that Charlie still wasn't very happy with me. Bella's curfew had been loosened and her father was less sturdy and uncomfortable with me, but every now and then, whenever I caught a small fragment of this thoughts, I could read he was still not convinced of my good intentions when it came to his daughter. He was still not completely over what had happened in Phoenix and I doubted he ever would get over it.

This was a good thing though. Because all his careful rules would keep his daughter safe. Plus, if I ever harmed her again - the thought was prepostorous, but last spring had proven it was not entirely unlikely - I wouldn't have to beg Chief Swan to kill me. He'd do so happily, I was sure.

Today, Alice used this 'Bella and Edward aren't allowed to be left alone in a confined space together'- rule of Chief Swan as something positive. She had set it up perfectly. Alice had foreseen Bella was going to be difficult - and she didn't need her special talent to reach this conclusion - so she'd made sure she had dotted all the 'i's' so her birthday party plan wouldn't be ruined. Bella was driving her truck to school and if by any chance she'd refuse to come over to our house afterwards, it was my duty to chaperone Bella so she couldn't make a run for it and remain absend from the party.

"That was your plan, right? Don't worry, I executed your instructions with accurate precision.." I vowed mockingly, "But only because there were threats involved. And because I believe Bella might actually be reasonable about all this once she lets go of this absurd self consciousness.."

"_That's_ a good brother! Oh, FYI, Rose and Emm are on their way back from Tanzania. Emm called from Newark Airport a few hours ago. Looks like they are just in time for the party..", Alice beamed.

_Fantastic._ Just when I believed I might actually be able to break through Bella's pantser of birthday reluctance, Alice brought up another reason why it would be very difficult for Bella to actually want to celebrate this joyous occasion. Best to keep the knowledge of these last minute guests underwraps for as long as I could manage.

We arrived at school thirty minutes later, Alice and I. All we had to do now was wait for the very unwilling birthday girl.

Alice toyed with the ribbon on the small package she was carrying - the CD with my compositions - tapping her foot against the ground impatiently.

"I wonder if Bella will at least allow me to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. _It is_ a classic. Maybe if I just started, then..", she trailed off.

"_Don't_..", I warned "If you know what is _good for you_, you won't go against Bella's wishes and you'll just keep the well wishes to a minimum. _If_ you can handle it. "

"Well, I guess I don't know _what is good_ for me then..", Alice shot back, sticking out her tongue.

"Fine, but it is _your_ funeral..", I teased..

"_Sssh_, be quiet! Do you hear that..."Alice whispered

Oh, I _heared_ it. How could I not? The roaring of the outdated engine, the rust spattering against the asphalt. I knew this sound by heart. Almost as well as her heartbeat which I was even more attuned too. It was etched in my mind, brightening the direst of my moods whenever I heared Bella's truck nearing.

"Yay, Bella's coming!", Alic chirped.

_Yay, indeed_. I felt instantly lighter, something that always happened when she was in my reach. A hint of her scent drifted through the air and if I honed my senses to perfection, I could even hear her heart drumming inside the cabin of the truck.

Such a _beautiful_ sound.

Bella parked her truck in the school parking lot and got out, slamming the door a little too hard, giving away her irriation as she noticed the small package in Alice's hand.

Alice was bouncing up and down right beside me, unable to hide her wild excitement any longer.

"OK_, I'm going in_. Wish me luck.", she mocked as she flitted away to Bella's side.

I barely paid any attention to Alice's words for I was far too distracted by the girl strolling in my direction.

Every since that grim afternoon in the meadow - well, grim for _me_, because I'd tried very hard to hide my worries from Bella, since she'd been so comfortable and happy lounging there, reading her book - now a little over a week ago, I had commanded myself to stop being so absurd. Here she was, the most amazing creature in my universe, _in my reach_ and she wanted to be with me. And all I had to do, was keep her safe. Surely I could manage _that_. And while I had failed to do so when James was after her, I was just going to put in that much extra effort to make sure I'd succeed now. Because if I did - and I was very much inclined to - than I could stay with Bella.

I sighed. It was so much easier to be positive during the day, when I couldn't drive myself crazy in the dark shadows of Bella's room. Where I could see her smile at me.

Thought she wasn't smiling now as she almost reached the spot where I was standing. Alice bounded forward, dancing around Bella enthusiastically.

"Happy birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" Bella hissed, instantly glancing around the lot to make sure no one had heard Alice.

Oh, t_his_ was going to be good. So much for being a perky birthday girl. It was quite comical. Though not for Alice. She'd soon realize how her attempts to help Bella find the proper birthday spirit was a lost cause. And my little sister hated to loose.

Alice ignored Bella's protests "Do you want to open your present now or later?"

I could guess the answer to that. Anyone who'd be paying a little attention could read it on her face.

"No presents," Bella mumbled.

Granted, it was an _obvious_ answer.

Alice complained silently. _This is going to be more difficult than I thought._

I silently chuckled. It _was_ humorous to see my sister come to terms with the fact her plan was about to fail miserably. But she wasn't going down without putting up a good fight.

"Okay… _later, _then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

Alice had seen what Charlie and Renée had gotten their daughter weeks ago, as soon as they had decided what to buy. At first she had refused to tell me about it - afraid I'd spill the beans to Bella - but as soon as she even remotedly thought about her well-organized plans in relation to Bella's birthday, she had slipped. Once I knew, Alice had reminded me daily, not to ruin anything. And I was certainly not going to cross her.

"Yeah. They're great.", Bella told her.

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience.", Alice suggested

"How many times have you been a senior?", Bella shot back, unable to hide her irritation at this unwanted attention any longer.

"That's different.", Alice stated.

Alice and Bella reached me then and I held out my hand for Bella to take it, which she did.

She momentarily gazed into my eyes as I gently squeezed her fingers. Her heart immediatedly responded to my touch and I could not help but smile at her reaction. Now that I knew the reason behind it - it certainly wasn't fear - I didn't mind it so much when her heart did odd things whenever I touched her. As long as I was still dazzling her the way she dazzled me, I was doing _something_ right.

I continued to stroke Bella's hand with my fingertips, while I lifted the other to trace the outside of her soft full lips. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?", I asked

"Yes. That is correct." Bella agreed with a small smile.

"Just checking.", I told her as I ran my hand through my hair. It was one of those human trades which made us seem less out of place. Fidgeting, touching our hair, it all made us seem a little more normal. Emphasis_ on little_, of course. There was still nothing normal about the Cullens.

"You might have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts.", I pointed out.

But Bella wasn't like most people. She was entirely other. Unique and one of a kind.

"Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?", Alice laughed

_Really, what is her problem_, she silently wondered.

I didn't need to read Bella's mind to know what her problem was. It made perfect sense why she was so averse to today's celebrations.

"Getting older," Bella answered wryly.

_Right._ This wasn't just about attention or spending money. There was a far more powerful, underlining reason why she wasn't happy about her birthday.

She would get older. And _I wouldn't_. Not physically anyway.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," Bella mumbled.

A part of me was pleased to have guessed right because it made me less mentally handicapped around her. Bella was worried about the age difference. She hated the idea of being older then me, technically. Not because of the number, but because I'd never get older. And like any human she would. Until she'd die. Another thing that wouldn't happen to me. Not unless I took care of that myself.

_So much for forever._

I sighed again. It felt like I'd been doing that alot lately. And not to uphold some human pretence. I actually needed the air to push down my worries.

"_Technically," _Alice said, ignoring the glum in Bella's voice. "Just by one little year, though."

Bella seemed to consider this before she spoke again and as always I wished to break through her mind barrier to read her thoughts. But no such luck. I would never get used to the disadvantage of having to guess. Even with her face and eyes wide open, I never knew _all_ of what was going on inside her head,

"What time will you be at the house?" Alice continued, obviously changing the subject. She was practically glowing now and Bella asserted her expression as if it were something straight from the pages of a horror story.

Apparently, facing monsters was no big deal compared to attending a party in Bella Swan's mind.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there.", Bella hesitated, trying to play her surprise well, whilst hoping to hide her horror.

"Oh, _be fair_, Bella!" Alice complained. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what I want.", Bella retorted

_Edward. Do something_! my sister urged

I shrugged but Alice shot me a warning glare.

_If you don't help me now, I will tell Bella what kind of outrageous gifts you had in mind for her. Audi coupe, college tuition, expensive dinner....need I go on?_

_Darn_ that sister of mine. Bella would only protest more if she knew what I'd initially planned for her. Thank heavens, Esme had comvinced me otherwise.

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I told Alice, knowing Bella would start a protest-rally of one instantly.

_And she did._

"I have to work," she said.

"You don't, actually," Alice told her smugly. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I—I still can't come over," Bella stammered, clearly looking for an excuse to get her out of the festivities "I, well, I haven't watched Romeo and Juliet yet for English."

Alice snorted. "You have Romeo and Juliet memorized."

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it—that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes. Bella knew Romeo and Juliet by heart. This wasn't a very good excuse and certainly not one that was going to convince Alice to cancel the party.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice accused.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

Finally, Alice lost the smug smile and glared at Bella. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other—"

I had to interrupt her threat. "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."

Bella's face became smug. "So there," she added.

"I'll bring her over around seven," I continued. "That will give you more time to set up."

Alice broad smile appeared again. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She grinned before kissing Bella on the cheek and twirling away to her first class.

"Edward, please—" Bella begged but before she could finish I pressed a finger to her lips.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class.", I told her.

We made our way to first period, taking a seat in the back. In comparison to last year we had almost every class together now, after I had persuaded Ms. Cope to arrange this. Unsurprisingly, she'd been very cooperative when I'd flashed her my friendliest smile. Bella had giggled at this and mocked me for not being scary at all. Unfortunately, Emmett had heard about my little persuasion-act as well and he was literally giving me hell about if ever since.

The main reason for switching most of my classes was the simplest excuse I could think of: this way I was around Bella for the most part of the day, which was preferable: like breathing in air, even if that air was tainted with the most dangerous seductive fragrance.

There was another reason though, one far less noble or romantic. Last year I had to rely on Bella's classmates for the most part, engaging in their thoughts to see how Bella would fare. But I couldn't bear to listen to Jessica Stanley anymore, since her mind was still wincing and whining about the fact Mike Newton had broken up with her.

_Mike Newton_, who was smiling tentatively at Bella now. Only I could see the longing behind his eyes, the hope in his thoughts.

_Too bad Cullen didn't dump her over the summer. I could've comforted her. I am sure she would've liked that._

I bit back a growl, knowing Bella wouldn't understand nor tolerate it if I threw Mike's body through the class room. Too bad, I would've enjoyed it.

So his mind was no longer and source for information on Bella - not even during PE - since the thoughts echoing inside his head would have him end up with a few broken bodyparts one of these days.

Then there were Eric and Tyler, both still cherishing hope to date Bella some day. I had an easier time in handling their thoughts - far more innocent than Mike's - but only by a small margin.

The rest of the day, neither Alice or I brought up Blla's birthday again and by the time for lunch, Bella seemed more relaxed.

The cafeteria scene was nothing like a year before. Nothing was like how things were before Isabella Swan moved to Forks. The Cullens no longer separated themselves from the other students. They were strangely ill at ease with us, which had partially to do with the fact Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett had 'graduated'. It was an odd assessment to think the students at Forks High thought Alice and me to be the least scary of the Cullen children.

Alice and I didn't mind how Bella's friends still shied away from us. Alice tried to mingle into conversations at times, but I mostly kept to myself. I wasn't there to be extremely sociable, I was usually distracted by the girl sitting next to me anyway.

Also, it still wasn't easy to engage in the ridiculous chatter of all the trials and tribulations of the student body when they were internally screaming at you.

I didn't care about Jessica and her resentment of Mike. Though I could almost appreciate how she thought of mean ways to humiliate him. Mike was oblivious to the fact he hurt her and her pain, which bothered me. _Even_ Jessica Stanley deserved a little more compassion than she was given. It made me even more irritated with Newton, as he continued to stare at Bella. Occassionally, I stepped to flash him a glare, making sure he still knew his place.

The only minds I didn't mind were those of Angela Weber and Ben Cheney, who actually seemed happy together. Their thoughts were subtle and almost private.

The afternoon passed quickly. School ended, and I walked Bella to her truck. I held open the passenger door for her to get in. But she didn't.

Bella folded my arms and made no move to get out of the rain. "It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?", she asked suspiciously.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished.", I pointed out.

I noticed how the look in Bella's eyes changed, a hint of something brewing in those chocolate pools. A plan of sorts.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…", she wondered, sounding hopeful.

Of course, she was still looking for a way out. But she wasn't going to find one. I was better at dealing with an angry Bella than with an angry Alice.

"All right." I shut the passenger door and walked past Bella to open the driver's side. "Happy birthday."

"Shh," Bella shushed me, though she wasn't as stern as she'd been with Alice this morning.

I played with the radio while Bella drove. This was another one of Alice's 'requests', all part of the birthday plan. While I couldn't spend a dime on Bella, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie bought Bella a stereo for her truck.

"Your radio has horrible reception.", I commented, shaking my head disapprovingly.

_That ought to do it._

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." , Bella frowned.

Her bad tempered mood was endearing and it cost some effort on my part to not start laughing. That would only make her more angry.

We remained quiet the rest of the ride. I looked out the window and wondered about the future. My number one worry as of late. Well, more like the main thing completely haunting me, never releasing me from the agony of doing the right thing.

And every time it passed, every time I was close to Bella, I forgot about it. My worries seemed foolish and the agony melted.

By the time we stopped in front of Bella's house, I sensed she was allowing herself to sink into a very gloomy mood and that just didn't seem fair, not today. Even I was pushing my worries aside, for the moment and the occasion and so should Bella.

I carefully took her face into my hands and smiled at her. Her heart picked up a more uneven rhythm instantly, responding to my touch like it always did.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" Bella asked, her breathing uneven, her heart pounding, the sound of it thundering through the cabin.

"Too bad."

I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. I'd never get used to this. _Never_. The warmth, the longing. The danger of the seduction. It was every bit as sensual as leading a hunt, except wildly more overwhelming. These human sensations, these yearnings I felt when we were this close. They always ended the same way.

Bella threw herself into the kiss the way she always did, wrapping her arms around my neck, pressing her overheated body against mine. One of these days I was just going to loosen up these boundaries. One of these days, this grand amount of love and desire would be too much for me to bear.

_But not this time._

I let go of Bella's face and reached back to unwrap her arms from my neck.

"Be good, please," I breathed against her cheek. I pressed my lips gently to Bella's one more time and then pulled away, folding her arms across her stomach.

Her pulse was thudding, racing, filling the space. Bella put one hand over her heart, trying to ease her hyperactive heart.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she wondered quietly. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

"I really hope not," I said smugly. It was the one proof I had that Bella needed me here, that my presence was very preferable. That she would in fact suffer if I ever left her.

Bella rolled her eyes at my answer and sighed. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

We went down to the living room, where I sprawled across the couch, and Bella set up the movie.

She then perched on the edge of the sofa in front of me and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her against my chest. To make sure Bella wouldn't freeze I pulled an old afghan off the back of the sofa and draped it around her, so she wouldn't be cold.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I commented as the movie started.

_Romeo,_ the ultimate tragic hero. I was surprised at how little I could identify myself with him. And how much this fictional character in fact irritated me.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" Bella asked, clearly a little offended.

Hmm, I wondered. Could it be Bella used to have a little crush on good old Romeo. It seemed that way, judging from the tone in her voice.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?", I analyzed

As I spoke the words - my disapproval of this fictional character - something nagged at the edges of my conviction. Wasn't I the one who was making mistake after mistake in my desperate need to be with Bella. What right did I have to judge him? Perhaps it was this small but important similarity with his character that sparked my irritation with Romeo.

Bella was seemingly displeased with my analysis."Do you want me to watch this alone?", she sighed.

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway.", I told her as I traced patterns across the skin of Bella's arm, rasing goosebumps as my fingers moved over her soft warm skin. It felt like the tips of my fingers were being electricuted. It felt wonderful.

"Will you cry?", I wondered.

"Probably," Bella admitted, "if I'm paying attention."

I had an odd fascination with this, _Bella crying_. Maybe I was being perverted that way, knowing what her tears did to my insides, as I had tasted one a long time ago. Maybe it was the raw emotion, something I could never express. Unlike Romeo, I'd never be able to cry for my love. Not the way she could cry for me.

"I won't distract you then." I assured her, and I pressed my lips against her her, the texture of it feeling like silk.

After a while I started to recite Romeo's lines - it wasn't so hard to remember for I had seen this version before - and the movie finally captivated Bella's interest.

And Bella did cry when Juliet woke and found her new husband dead.

This sort of amused me, and I wasn't sure if it was embarassment, or pure humour I felt. It was kind of strange, the way these star crossed lovers had managed to completely ruin their love.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said, as I dried the tears on Bella's face with a lock of her hair.

"She's very pretty.", Bella agreed

From a human perspective the actress was indeed attractive, though not at all my type. And in comparison to the girl in my arms, she was just plain. And it certainly wasn't my point. I didn't envy Romeo because of Juliet.

"Ugh. I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," I clarified in a teasing tone. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

It was kind of morbid, though very true. Humans were so breakable, the tiniest jump could kill them. A bump in the head was sometimes enough. Starvation was effective.

"What?" Bella gasped.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I spoke wryly, _seriously_ before adding in a lighter tone "And he's clearly still in excellent health."

Bella turned around so she could face me. Her eyes were wide with confusion and a hint of shock even.

"What are you talking about?" she demanded. "What do you mean, this something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…" I paused to take a deep breath, finding it difficult to return to a lighter, teasing tone now.

"Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

I remembered it well and not just because my vampire memory was infallible, that was a given. I remembered because it suddenly felt harder to breath. Because my mind had memorized the look of viciousness on James' face - it was forever burned into my soul - the pain, the agony and most importantly, how I had almost killed Bella myself.

Her fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar that James' teeth had left behind, on her hand and I could see it in her eyes. She was remembering it_ too._

Bella shook her head—trying to shake off the bad memories, I was sure— and asked for clarification.

"Contingency plans?" she repeated.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes. It was ridiculous for her to even think I wouldn't kill myself if she were no longer around. Did Bella not know how much I needed her? I thought about my panic when I had ran down the heated asphalt, hoping I'd be in time to safe Bella. And making sure I'd find a way to die too, if I'd fail her.

"I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.", I continued.

Bella eyed my with confusion and then the expression on her face shifted from non-understanding to..._anger._

"What is a Volturi?" she demanded furiously.

"The Volturi are a family," I explained, trying to keep my expression neutral, to not infuriate her more. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?", I asked

"Of course I remember.", Bella assured me, still angry

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi," I went on, "Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do.", I said calmly.

Bella eyed me and I saw the anger fade from her eyes. Instead, she looked horrified.

She gently took my face in her hands, holding it quite tightly. Well, I could feel her grip - though it was more like the slightest of pressure by something delicate and velvet - at least.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" Bella urged, almost frantic "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point.", I shrugged.

I fiercely believed in this, I commanded it to memory. I was never going to put Bella in danger again, because if I did, then I would have to leave. So I wouldn't, because I didn't want to leave. It was a simple deduction, but effective nonetheless.

"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" Bella said, angry again. "How dare you even think like that?", she demanded.

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I asked.

"That's not the same thing.", she insisted.

I chuckled at her logic. Because it made no sense. I would die if she did. Like I'd want to be around after that. Not even for my family.

"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go off myself?", Bella suggested, pain evitable in her voice.

I only needed to think about this for a short second and I was certain my face was no longer amused or remote. The thought of Bella dying - the way she almost had - was too painful.

"I guess I see your point… a little," I admitted. "But what would I do without you?"

Nothing. I would die. Simple as that. A world without Bella would be a meaningless, colourless place. A strange surface I'd never be able to exist on again.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence.", Bella pointed out.

She was so wrong. She never complicated my existence. She complimented it. Without her I was nothing but a shell of a man. With her I was complete.

I sighed. "You make that sound so easy."

Too easy. I would never be able to survive. Not without Bella.

"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

I was about to argue, but then I let it go. Charlie was coming, I could hear the cruiser turning onto the street. It was incredibly bad timing for I felt this conversation wasn't over. I was sort of under the impression Bella didn't quite grasp what she meant to me. Unfortunately there wasn't any time to explain right now.

"Moot point," I reminded her.

Then I pulled myself in a more formal position, more suitable for company, especially a father who was always suspicious of me. I gently shifted Bella to the side of the sofa, so that we'd no longer be touching.

"Charlie?" Bella guessed.

I smiled.

We waited for Charlie to enter and Bella took my hand. Firmly. To prove a point, I was sure.

Charlie came in with a pizza box in his hands.

"Hey, kids." He grinned.

_Hmm, I wonder what they were up to before I walked in_, he thought as he looked at the rugged afghan on the floor and the TV, which was now displaying the end-credits of the movie.

"I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?", Charlie asked.

"Sure. Thanks, Dad.", Bella commented with a smile

I waited while Bella and Charlie enjoyed their dinner. I tried to be inconspicious as I observed father and daughter. Charlie and Bella were quite alike. His mind was almost as inpenetrable as Bella's, but both their faces were quite open, readable. Though the Chief never showed it verbally, his eyes gave away how much he loved Bella.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked when Charlie and Bella were done.

From the corner of my eye I noticed how Bella eyed her father carefully. With_ hope_. Was she that desperate to skip the party Alice had arranged, would she rather stay here to watch sports? She didn't know this was going to be the main program for the evening - but this was quite an obvious thing on Charlie's mind now, so clear I could actually_ read it_.

"That's fine—the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight," Charlie explained, and her hope disappeared, I could see her face plummeting.

"So I won't be any kind of company… Here." He scooped up the camera he'd gotten Bella - and threw it to her.

He ought to know better than that, Bella was simply too uncoordinated and her reflexes were very off.

The camera glanced off the tip of Bella's finger, and tumbled toward the floor.

I caught before it could hit the linoleum and break into little pieces.

"Nice save," Charlie noted. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie," I said, handing Bella the camera.

Bella turned the camera on me, and snapped the first picture. "It works."

"That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." Charlie's mouth pulled down at one corner.

Ah yes. Chief Swan was very fond of my sister. Much more fond than he was of me, that was for sure. It all happened last spring, when Bella's leg had been in a cast and she needed someone to help her shower and get dressed. Alice had eagerly offered her help and she and Bella had formed a close friendship since then.

"It's been three days, Dad," Bella reminded him.

Charlie pouted. "I'll tell her.", she promised.

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight." It was clearly a dismissal. Chief's Swans thoughts were already occupied with the game. He immediatedly went to the living room to turn off the VCR and switch the channel to ESPN.

I smiled, triumphant, and took Bella's hand to pull her from the kitchen.

When we got to the truck, I opened the passenger door for Bella again, and this time she didn't protest. I knew why, because even after six months it was impossible for Bella to find the turnoff to my house. Especially in the dark. This was obviously no problem for me.

I drove north through Forks, secretly irritated by the slow speed of the Chevy as I pressed down the gas pedal - the engine roared in protest and warning - much to Bella's disapproval.

"Take it easy," she warned me.

I ignored her. "You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…", I suggested. There, I had mentioned the car. At least Alice couldn't use this -almost - birthday gift against me anymore.

"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents.", she said sternly.

"Not a dime," I assured her sincerely

"Good."

"Can you do me a favor?", I asked

"That depends on what it is.", Bella asked, suspicion and wariness clear in her voice.

I sighed. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited", I told her.

_Emmett's birthday_. There weren't any pink candles there. Lots of grizzlies though. And special birthday activities only meant for him and Rosalie. Unfortunately, they had been very loud that night.

"Fine, I'll behave.", Bella agreed, pulling me from the memory of Emmett's birthday.

Then, Alice words from this morning echoed in my mind.

_FYI, Rose and Emm are on their way back from Tanzania._

_Right._ Time to give Bella the heads up. One surpise was more than enough and if Alice's party was truly as lavish as she had assured me - I thought of all the pink attributes - then Bella would be plenty surprised. And uncomfortable.

"I probably should warn you…", I started

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited… I do mean all of them.", I said.

"Everyone?" Bella choked. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."

"Emmett wanted to be here.", I explained.

My brother had grown surprisingly fond of Bella and her clumsy ways. Rosalie on the other hand....

"But… Rosalie?", Bella pointed out.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior.", I eased her worries.

I could tell it didn't help much. The relationship between Bella and Rosalie was chilly at best. Not at all Bella's fault. Rosalie was just so very petty.

I decided to change the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"

I expected her to firmly remind me she didn't want anything, so her answer took me by surprise. Which was probably a good thing, because it momentarily dulled my usual anger about this particular subject.

When she spoke, the words came out in a whisper. "You know what I want."

A deep frown spred across my face. _This again_. Bella was so determined, even on a day like today - or maybe because of today, a day she dreaded so much, she'd rather talk about becoming a monster.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please.", I requested.

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.", Bella said., almost casually.

I didn't mean to get so furious, but I felt Bella to be so reckless about this. It was unbelievable.

So I growled and the sound - meant to be menacing for it was designed to fight off enemies and preys - filled the cabin. But Bella wasn't afraid of me. In fact she eyed me with ridicule, as of she thought _I_ was behaving in an absurd manner and not the other away around.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I vowed.

"That's not fair!", Bella cried

_Unfair_? What did she know about that? Was taking her life fair and doing the opposite the greatest sin ever commited? If I kept her alive with all the power and strength I had, did that make me the bad guy? Why was her mind so incredibly oddly wired. My teeth snapped together and it took me as much self control as it did when kissing her, to remain calm. Sometimes the backward ways of Bella's mind infuriated me. It was like she actually enjoyed the occasions where she could endanger her life.

We were pulling up to the house now and this calmed me. At least Bella would be distracted soon enough. At least, I hoped she'd be because I wasn't at all interested in prolonging this conversation, unlike the one we had before Charlie had arrived home.

I glanced through the windshield. Alice had certainly out done herself for this extravaganza.

Bright lights shined from every window on the first two floors. A long line of glowing Japanese lanterns hung from the porch eaves and big bowls of flowers—the pink roses—lined the wide stairs up to the front doors.

Bella moaned.

Of course. _This_ was her worst nightmare. Not the monsters in her world, but this. A social gathering. _Bella._ Would I ever understand the way her mind worked?

_Probably not._

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself further. "This is a party," I reminded her. "Try to be a good sport."

"Sure," Bella muttered unhappily.

I spun around the truck to get the passenger door and I offered Bella my hand to help her out.

"I have a question.", Bella said

Hmm, more requests to become one of the eternally damned. I really hoped not.

"If I develop this film," Bella said, toying with the camera in her hands, "will you show up in the picture?"

Another myth. Vampires did in fact photograph. Except with our excellent memory we didn' t need to capture anythng on film, though Esme occasionally photographed as a hobby.

I started laughing, thankful she at least took the effort to change the subject. I helped her out and pulled her up the stairs, still laughing as I opened the front door.

My family was waiting there, their internal monologues as strong as their enthusiasm aloud and it struck me how much Bella had become a part of the Cullen clan. Apart from Rosalie's stubbornness and Jasper's restraint, my family all cared about Bella deeply.

A loud chorus of "Happy birthday, Bella!" erupted as we walked in.

I could feel the heat of Bella's blush caress my skin as a reaction to my family's wellwishes and her face turned to the ground in embarrassment.

The table next to the piano had a white cloth draped over it now and on it was a large pink birthday cake, more roses, a stack of glass plates, and a small stack of silver-wrapped presents.

I could feel how Bella's heart sped up and her uncomfortableness was showing in her eyes.

Sensing Bella's great distress, I wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head in hopes to take away some of this discomfort.

Carlisle and Esme were the closest to the door and my mother hugged Bella carefully as she kissed Bella's forehead. Carlisle put his arm around Bella's shoulders.

"Sorry about this, Bella," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't rein Alice in."

Rosalie and Emmett stood behind them. Rosalie didn't smile, but at least she didn't glare. That was something. Maybe Emmett had talked some sense into her.

Or maybe not entirely

_I don't see the point of coming back early for this. But Emmett seems to enjoy this. Better fake it. Don't want Edward or Carlisle on my case again._

At least Emmett was smiling, or rather _grinning._

_Look at that blush._

I was. _Always_. I could even taste it.

"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

_It's funny_, he thought. Of course this was hilarious to him. Anything he didn't quite understand was a joke in his eyes.

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella said, blushing deeper. I could taste the scent of blood on my tongue and decided to push it down.

He laughed, "I have to step out for a second"—he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

"I'll try.", Bella muttered halfheartedly.

Alice let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward. Jasper smiled, too, but kept his distance. He leaned, against the post at the foot of the stairs.

His mind was stable, but I noticed how his nostrils weren't moving. He wasn't _breathing._

"Time to open presents," Alice declared. She pulled Bella to the table.

Bella looked unhappy, like she was about to be tortured. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"

"But I didn't listen," she interrupted smugly. "Open it." She took the camera from Bella's hands and replaced it with a big, square silver box.

Ah yes, the gift from Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. A very expensive stereo for her very unexpensive car.

Bella hastily tore the paper off and then stared at the box it concealed, first eyeing it in confusion and then being surprised by how the box was empty.

"Um… thanks.", Bella said.

Rosalie actually cracked a smile and even Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

This had been a clever move on Alice's part. Because Bella would've returned it if she would have had the chance.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella told them, grinning.

It was good to see she was actually enjoying herself. _A little._

"Thanks, Emmett!" Bella called more loudly.

His booming laugh echoed around the house and it made Bella laugh too.

_Ours next!_ Alice silently chimed

This was what she'd been waiting for from the moment we had finished our little project.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said, her voice a high-pitched trill of unconcealed excitement.

She held a small, flat square in her hand.

_I will take most of the credit, of course. Recording wasn't easy, you know_. Alice teased quietly

Bella turned and glared at me in warning "You promised."

Before I could answer Emmett bounded through the door. "Just in time!" he assessed cheerfully.

He pushed in behind Jasper, who had also drifted closer than usual to get a good look. I noticed how Jasper's thoughts were less composed now, an evident change from before when he had deliberately kept his distance. He was allowing himself to enjoy the good atmosphere but this didn't result in my brother being more relaxed. In fact, it seemed Jasper's good spirits made him less focused.

For some reason this unnerved me - a lack in focus could be a possible threat with Jasper- but I decided to shove the worry aside immediatedly. This was a party. _But still_. Something was starting to creep up inside me and I didn't know how to push it down entirely.

"I didn't spend a dime," I assured Bella as I brushed a strand of hair from her face, her warm skin pushing a current of electricity through my finger, straight to the pit of my stomach.

Bella inhaled deeply and turned to Alice. "Give it to me," Bella sighed.

Emmett chuckled with delight.

Bella took the little package, rolling her eyes at me while she stuck her finger under the edge of the paper and jerked it under the tape.

As the paper teared under her touch, the scratching sound filling the room, I could hear it. The tearing of paper, the small tear of flesh.

The next moment displayed itself in slow-motion, but I recognized the feeling right away. It was like the supposed imaginary panic attack in the meadow, from weeks before.

Except, now it was _real._

_Oh no_. The smell. It hit me instantly. And I had no choice but to cut off my air immediatedly.

"Shoot," Bella muttered when the paper sliced her finger; she pulled it out to examine the damage. A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.

It all happened very quickly then.

"No!" I roared.

I threw myself at Bella - not like a hunter, but like an animal protecting its mate- flinging Bella back across the table. It fell, as Bella did, scattering the cake and the presents, the flowers and the plates. Bella landed in the mess of shattered crystal.

Jasper slammed into me, his mind going blank, his control completely gone. His eyes were wild with bloodlust.

He snarled at me, his teeth sharp and threatening. Even to me, for he was after _my girl_.

_So this was it_. The thing I had been so terrified of. Not some new monster, but old ones. And I couldn't even blame Jasper, I couldn't even hide behind that.

This was my doing and mine alone.

As I fought Jasper off, I thought about my own promise.

_The next time Bella would get hurt, I'd leave._

It was just so much sooner than I'd expected.

But then, had I not been outstaying my welcome in Bella's life for far too long already?

Through the haze of the tumult, I had that epiphany - the one I needed to be strong enough to leave - unfolding itself to me like the horrible, unwanted truth it was.

I wasn't a guardian angel, I was a monster. And good or bad, hero or harpy, I was never going to keep Bella out of danger. And even if she wouldn't die tonight, my nature would eventually kill her.

There was a reason big enough now. This biggest of all. The one thing more important than what I wanted.

_Bella._

I was almost relieved to realize I had run out of excuses to stay.

This was my que to _leave._

_Exit centre stage.  
_

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**First, thanks for your reviews for the prologue. I truly appreciate it! :)**

**Keep them coming!  
**

**About this chapter: well so much for a party, huh. :(**

**Have a good weekend, everyone!  
**


	3. Stitches

**CHAPTER 2: STITCHES**

_Some_ party. The room was a mess, covered in glass with some of the pieces covered in blood.

Blood that was spreading on the floor in a puddle of despair.

I had seen this _before. _

It was an odd sense of deja vu. I remembered this scene, except the context was all wrong now.

Last spring, when Bella's blood had stained the floor in the ballet studio in Phoenix. But then it had been James who'd almost killed her. Or at least, he'd tried and nearly succeeded. After which I had almost finished what he'd started.

Now, there was a scene - almost identical to that awful memory - playing out in front of me.

Bella was wounded, _yet _again.

I wasn't sure what hurt more. The fact that within months I had managed to get Bella hurt for a second time, or the aching knowledge that this time around I couldn't pretend everything was going to be alright. Not even by a long shot.

It shouldn't have come as such a surprise though - especially after the anxiety I had been feeling ever since that grim afternoon in the meadow, a little over a week ago.

Somewhere, deeply hidden in my mind - or rather I had buried it away because I didn't want to feel it - I'd known Bella would end up hurt again. Hurt because of me.

What a _true_ monster I was.

And not because I was a vampire, though that alone qualified as reason enough.

I _was_ a monster because I had allowed this to happen.

I should've left the moment I realized I loved Bella. That would have been the only right thing to do.

But _no_. Instead I had lingered around, permitting myself to drown in this unmeasurable amount of love I felt for her.

And _drowned_ I had. Over and over, night after night I would resurface as a changed man. The more time I spend with her, the more I felt alive. There was meaning, a reason to finally welcome the curse of immortality.

But against what _price_?

Bella's _life_?

And now Jasper's _sanity_? Because tonight, he'd fallen victim to my selfish ways as well.

I couldn't even be angry with Jasper, knowing how hard this struggle was for him. I knew about the fight inside him, I was an every day silent witness to it. I knew how worried he was about slipping. How hard he fought against the bloodlust.

And now Jasper had almost fallen off the wagon. There was some strange irony in the fact he hadn't nearly slipped with some random girl.

It was Bella he would have attacked if we had let him.

It was even more ironic that this was probably what'd saved him from following through and satiate the torture of the thirst.

Would it have been some outsider, someone we didn't know, I was certain we would have tried to stop him but had we failed it would've had less of an impact. But now, with it being Bella he was after, I was sure we - or rather, _me_ - would fight him to protect her. No matter the consequences.

Despite the chaos, Carlisle kept a level head. Of course, his centuries of experience as a physician meant this occasion didn't phase him at all.

He remained calm and in authority.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside.", he commanded quietly.

Emmett - normally unaffected and easy going - was serious now. His mind was consistent and full of worry for Jasper. He recognized the feeling - Emmett had slipped up twice himself - and he knew how badly Jasper wanted to knock me out of the way to get to Bella.

"Come on, Jasper.", he said as he pulled Jasper back.

Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching toward him with his bared teeth, his eyes still past reason.

The threat didn't bother Emmett. He didn't try to fight against Jasper, he just tightened his grip to pull him away.

A part of me wished to read Jasper's thoughts and did. There was nothing to read but rage and lust. Pure _unsatiated_ lust. For Bella's blood. Another part of me didn't want to be confronted with that - his longing to kill Bella to kill the thirst - because it would make me snap and do something that would tear my family apart. This too I remembered from once before It wasn't the first time I was ready to go up against Jasper, for I had threatened and almost been forced to fight him after I had saved Bella from nearly being crushed by Tyler's van.

I crouched over Bella, taking a defensive position. Being so close to her I could taste the glory of her blood on my tongue in spite of the fact I hadn't taken a single breath from the moment Bella had cut her finger.

As I held my stance, I let a low growl slip, as a warning to Jasper, though it served as a sign of caution to anyone coming too close. Like an animal defending its mate, I would do anything to protect Bella.

The only one who seemed completely unaffected by this was Rosalie. Her thoughts were as smug as the look on her face.

_Well, this is not a surprise. I knew this was going to happen. _

She stepped in front of Jasper—keeping a careful distance from his teeth—and helped Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open.

Esme was also not breathing, one hand covered her mouth and nose. She looked ashamed when she faced Bella "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she followed the others into the yard.

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.

_This will all right, son. It's a minor incident. These things happen. Bella will be just fine._

_Did_ they? _Did they really_? So any guy would put his girlfriend in danger like this. If so, it wasn't so bad. Then this _was_ just a minor incident. An accident which would resolve itself in the care of my father's capable hands.

Except this wasn't _just_ an incident. And Bella wasn't _just_ my girlfriend.

She was my life. And since she was the most important thing to me ever, I owed it to her to keep her safe. But my attempts at keeping her unharmed turned out to be feeble time and time again. For months I had ignored it, choosing my own happiness over anything else and now it endangered everyone. Not just Bella- though she was the most important - but also the lives of my family.

A small second passed, and then I nodded slowly and relaxed my stance.

Carlisle knelt beside Bella, leaning close to examine her arm.

I watched her face twist and for a second she just glanced at Carlisle in shock.

While I couldn't read her mind, I could see it in her eyes. She was surprised that my father came this close, especially since the rest of us were effectively not breathing. I knew she relied on him not to harm her, despite her dripping blood. In fact, out of all the people who could hurt her right now, my father was the least likely to hurt Bella - but she was still shocked to find him this close with her blood flowing.

It wasn't a surprise to me, for Carlisle had centuries of practice. He was long past the yearning of tasting human blood. I envied his strength, wishing more than ever, I could have a small ounce of it, so I wouldn't be forced to clench my jaw and hold my breath.

Alice shot me a quick glance as she moved to Carlisle's side. There was pain there in her eyes, an intensified aching for _Jasper._ Then there was also sadness in her eyes. Because suddenly the futures that included Bella were all jumbled up again.

_Think about it_, she warned, _Think about it before you decide._

I wished to obey her, to give the idea of leaving more thought. To sweep away the cons with the most important pro. I loved Bella and I needed her. Of course, I didnt want to leave. But what I needed and what was best for Bella seemed to constantly collide and it was about time I did something about that.

Something permanent, something that would make sure Bella would never hurt again.

"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a towel.

My father shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." He reached over and ripped a long, thin scrap from the bottom of the white tablecloth. He twisted it around Bella's arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet.

Such simple medical procedures, I'd studied them too. But I wasn't at liberty to profess them, for I couldn't allow myself to be _that _close to Bella. I felt completely useless.

Bella's face was pale white, with a shade of green casting over it. I knew this look, since I had seen it once before.

_Blood typing,_ about seven months ago. Right after the first time Bella accepted an invitation to join that odd Edward Cullen for lunch. Right after she had said _yes_ to _me_ for the first time.

If only she hadn't. If only I had never asked.

Bella's face turned even paler, she was clearly dizzy now because of the blood.

Her _own _blood.

Her wonderful warm, amazingly luscious blood.

I remembered the taste of it in my mouth. It was so rich, so heavenly. I was immediatedly overwhelmed by the memory of it. Good thing I wasn't breathing.

"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"

"Here, please," she whispered.

_Right._ If Carlisle would take her took me to the hospital, there would be no way to keep this from Bella's father. Given how fast news and gossip spread around town, Charlie would be aware of Bella's injury before Carlisle would have the chance to stitch up her arm properly.

"I'll get your bag," Alice said.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle told me.

I clenched my jaw more tightly as I lifted Bella off the - shattered with glass - floor. I held her as far away from my body as I could, hoping she wouldn't notice. I didn't want to make her feel worse than she probably already felt.

The angle of our bodies felt off, _unnatura_l for I was used to holding Bella close now. Another deja vu hit me as I thought of that blood typing scene again. The first time I held her in my arms, making sure our bodies wouldn't touch. Much like I was doing now, though with a different purpose, because holding her close to me, would be the type of seduction that would crumble my self control like granite easily breaking through plaster. I could taste her blood in the air. The combination of it pulsing through her veins, dripping from her arm and her enticing scent was alot to deal with.

I carried Bella to the kitchen while Carlisle kept the pressure steady on her arm.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm fine." She sounded relatively steady, but that didn't relieve me. The edge of pain and dizziness in her voice, underlined the grander agony I felt, forcing me to face the facts head on. No escaping this epiphany. The realization there were no excuses left to make me stay.

Alice was already there in the kitchen. Carlisle's black bag was on the table, a small but brilliant desk light plugged into the wall. I put Bella gently into a chair, and Carlisle pulled up another. He went to work at once.

I leaned over Bella, still holding my protective stance. Still not breathing. _Never _breathing. Desperately trying to forget how amazing it would smell if I did. How I longed to feel the burn to feed my own perverted gratification.

Bella looked at me and sighed "Just go, Edward,"

I knew she meant I should just leave the room, but her words were so fitting, the way they sounded like an encouragement. Bella knew how my throat was in flames, how I had to profess the most insane strength to linger, to protect her instead of killing her. And she wasn't even afraid. I felt sick to the core because I didn't deserve her compassion, her understanding. Here I was, I couldn't even sit down next to Bella. I couldn't even comfort her. This was another piece of evidence of what a bad influence on her life I was. Another reason to leave.

"I can handle it," I insisted, keeping my jaw rigid. I wanted so desperately to swallow the venom, to fight the burn. But I knew this blood, I had tasted this blood and I wanted to taste it again. But still, no matter how hard this was I wasn't going to leave just yet. I couldn't allow to be defeated by my own nature like this. Bella deserved someone at her side right now and I was at least going to try to be supportive, the way a _boyfriend _should. I'd stay until Bella was one hundred percent alright. Then I'd go.

"You don't need to be a hero," Bella said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."

Bella winced as Carlisle stuck a small needle with a sedative in her arm, ever expressing her aversion against needles.

For a moment I was hypnotized by the wound. The blood was so pure, so red. In desperate need of tasting.

I demanded myself to refrain from these thoughts. This was absurd. Bella wasn't some incredibly tasty prey, she was my only love. And so I couldn't be weak. She needed me.

"I'll stay," I said. And I _would._

"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella mumbled.

Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes," Bella eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper."

I could see the guilt in her eyes. Of course. Bella blamed herself for what happened with Jasper. She was mistaken though. It was all my fault.

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added.

I felt like I was being ganged up on, because now they all wanted me to go. No matter how much I wanted to stay, I felt my resolve falter. I was slipping and the longer I sat here and pretended to be just fine, the bigger the chance I'd end up attacking Bella myself.

I had no choice now as six pairs of eyes urged me to go.

I nodded in defeat and sprinted out the back door.

Once a few feet away from the house, I breathed in deeply.

Despite the clean air, I could taste the yearning on my tongue. I wasn't quite sure how I could not go straight back in to claim my prey and so I ran even faster. Away from the house.

I came through an opening of the woods, to find Jasper and Emmett by the river. Rosalie was sitting near Emmett and as soon as she spotted me she rolled her eyes.

_This is all your fault.  
_

Right, at least there was someone within the family to blame me. I could always count on Rosalie to be the one.

Esme was at Jasper's side. Her hand on his in comfort. She was harbouring motherly worries which were directed at both Jasper and me.

Jasper was calmer now, his thoughts full of remorse and disgust at his own weakness.

I could understand the disgust, though I wanted him to direct it at me.

As soon as Jasper caught sight of me, he held his hands up in apology.

"Edward, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what came over me.."

His apology came out in a whisper, while his thoughts were screaming in reproach. Anger and depression directed inwards. Another thing we had in common.

I understood how his mind had turned onto to autopilot, responding to the primal urge we constantly fought. It was an acceptable reaction, especially given the fact I had been the one to create the circumstances.

"Stop it..!", Rosalie snapped, "Stop blaming yourself, Jasper. It wasn't _your_ fault!"

She glared at me with a new iciness in her eyes, making it abundantly clear whose fault this was.

Mine. _Naturally. _

Esme flitted to my side. She touched my cheek in comfort. Momentarily her worries were only for me. She wondered how I was coping and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share.

"How's Bella?", she asked.

It was strange for I knew Bella was hurt. But like Carlisle had said this was just a minor incident.

"Bella will be fine, with a few stitches", I whispered.

And she would be. Her wounds would heal and she'd be fine. Especially now that I had decided that after what had taken place tonight, Bella was simply never to suffer again. And as soon as I left, she would be able to move on and find the happiness I wanted her to have. Surely she would forget about me in time.

'Well, no thanks to _you..", _Rosalie muttered.

"Rose..", Emmett started as he patted her shoulder.

She shook him off. "_Don't. Don't_ any of you dare to pretend this isn't a big deal, because _it is._ Look, last time we fought off James for Bella and he was a jerk, so maybe that didn't turn out so bad in the end. But now, now you put Jasper and our entire family in the line of fire and for what? So Edward can be with his _human_ mate. So selfish, so typically _you_", she growled

I wanted to argue with her, but what could I say? Normally I'd mention something along the lines of the pot calling the kettle black - given Rosalie's tendency to think about herself first and foremost - but she was right, of course she was right.

"Shut up, Rose..", Alice called as she appeared from the woods. Her face was more relaxed now that she could breath again. She went to Jasper's side instantly.

"How are you, Jazz?", she asked as she stroked his cheek.

"I can't believe I did that. I thought I was strong enough. Really, Alice, I never dreamed I would think about hurting Bella. I would never..", he trailed off in agony.

"Ssh,", she soothed him, "It's alright. Nothing too bad happened. Bella will be fine. Everything will be fine.."

Rosalie snorted and rolled her eyes in disapproval.

"It won't be fine. Not this time", I muttered.

"It's a scratch on her arm. And getting hurt is not out of character for Bella", Alice pointed out.

_Don't do it. Don't leave now_, she pleaded, _There's no need._

"What about Jasper?", I countered, "Will _he_ be fine?"

"Of course", Alice said with conviction.

"You just need some time", Alice comforted him.

" I don't know, Alice", he hesitated", I don't think I can stay here.", he added in a whisper.

Alice stared at him for a moment and sighed. "We'll go to Denali together", she offered, "It'll be easier there and then, when you feel better, we come back here"

Alice's suggestion made sense. She and Jasper could solve this together. And it would mean I could stay here. _With _Bella.

But as if she was attuned to my thoughts all of a sudden, Rosalie shook her head.

"No", she spoke angrily, "If Jazz goes, we all do. And I mean _all of us_. Why should Jasper be the only one to leave?"

Esme, who had remained quiet all this time, now spoke directly at Rosalie "Carlisle has a job here and Edward has Bella. He and Alice are seniors now. Leaving would be very inconvenient"

"Oh, I am sure it would be", Rosalie agreed sarcastically. "Of course it would be so inconvenient if Edward had to leave Bella"

"Rose, C'mon. Don't do this now. No one is in the mood", Emmett urged

She shrugged and stalked a few feet away, motioning Jasper to go with her.

"I'll take him hunting. Emm, are you coming?", she wondered as Jasper followed after her.

Emmett gave me an apologetic glance and turned to catch up with Rosalie and Jasper.

Alice didn't move as she watched them walk away. Her toughts were completely devoted to worrying about Jasper at first, but then she turned to scrutinize my face.

"You can't _leave_", she said angrily.

Esme nodded and chimed in. "We just have to be more careful around Bella. This was a bit unexpected, but I think we handled it well", she smiled softly.

She was right, though the only reason tonight's event hadn't turned into a bloodbath, was because Carlisle had remained focused and calm. Without him, things would've probably been a whole lot worse.

"I _can't_ leave?!", I snapped, "_Be_ more careful?, I shouted as I echoed their comments.

"Don't you see", I continued in a whisper now, "Rosalie is right. It wouldn't be fair for Jasper to leave, while I stay behind to be with Bella. The only reason he almost slipped, was because of my recklessness. At the very least I owe him my support, my suffering. If he leaves, we all leave.."

"But you can't just take Bella with you", Esme pointed out, " Her father lives here and surely he'd never allow it. Not to mention school. Edward, dear Jasper just needs some space. I think it is a good idea for him and Alice to go to Denali or some place else for a while.."

But then, as soon as the words came from her lips, I could see awareness sinking in.

_Oh, she wouldn't be coming with him. _

"Bella wouldn't come with us, would she?", Esme concluded.

"No..", I said quietly.

"So, you are really going through with it this time?", Esme wondered, "You're leaving Bella?"

The sadness in her voice was thick and she would've cried if she could have. Then she just shook her head and moved back towards the house.

"I need to start cleaning up inside", she explained.

"It happened. Lets just get over it. This isn't so bad. Bella gets hurt all the time. Carlisle fixed her up. End of story.", Alice stated as we watched Esme go.

Her words fueled a fire of remorse and repellence in me. "End of story?! Is that what you think this is? That this will the last time Bella gets hurt. You're dead wrong about that and you know it. And this is _bad_. She could have died because we all wanted her blood. But you're right about one thing. This is the end of the story, because we're leaving. ", I said.

"You say that now", Alice rolled her eyes, "But you could change your mind.."

"I won't", I vowed, "Not this time"

"We'll see.."

Alice shrugged and turned away, leaving me alone.

I took another deep breath and pushed the pain away as far as I could. No need for Bella to see my wavering and the doubt in my decision. I eyed myself in the reflection of the river to find my features smooth. On the surface at least. But that would be enough.

I ran back through the woods to the house and headed back inside where I halted in the dining room, only to catch the last of my father's conversation with Bella. Before I stepped in, I heared his words.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward.", Carlisle told Bella.

_Saved_ me. I couldn't remember much from my human days, but what I did know was that I hadn't been an unhappy young man, certainly not someone living a bad life. My mother loved me and my father did the best he could, trying to support his family. But when that rampaging flu almost killed me and my mother had begged Carlisle to save me, he didn't have any choice but to _save_ me from death.

That was one way of saving someone. The other way, the truer definition of the word for me came with Bella's presence in my life.

She had saved me. From an endless existence of bitterness and solitude. She had altered me. From monster to man. But that was of no use to me now. I had a role to play, a pretence to uphold, just for now.

I closed my eyes for a brief second to focus on how I was going to play my part believably.

"I suppose I should take you home now.", Carlisle said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I'll do that," I told him, as I stepped in slowly from the dining room.

Bella scrutinized my face with a mixture of curiosity and worry in her eyes.

I tried to remain composed, knowing this wouldn't be such a problem if I kept a straight face.

_Play your part._

But I could tell, it didn't completely convince her, as she frowned for a moment and some knowledge flared in her eyes. _Drat_, if only Bella wouldn't have this uncanny ability to see right through me. Just like she seemed to do now.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said as she looked down her shirt. The cotton was soaked with her blood though some spots were already brown, and dried up. This did not mean it appealed to me less, in spite of the fact it was tainted with the small motes of dust and fabric. _Contaminated._ But I couldn't breath freely just yet, not until the drenched shirt was gone. But I could not tell Bella this, because I didn't want to frighten or repulse her with my bloodlust.

Her shoulder was covered in pink frosting. It would almost be comical if it all wasn't so damn serious.

"I'm fine." I told her, knowing she could hear the detachment in my voice. The same detachment I had used when James had hunted her. The remoteness I had used to protect myself from the pain of losing her. Like I was doing now. Except this time I wasn't losing Bella, I was giving her up. I felt the mask slip, the pain seaping through.

_Stay remote, smooth. She doesn't need to see_, I commanded myself.

"You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice _get _you something.", I continued as I strode out the kitchen door again.

Outside I could breath. But I wasn't free from the despair. I could hear the worry in Bella's voice as the words drifted from the kitchen.

"He's very upset.", Bella said with certainty.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."

"It's not his fault."

But she was wrong. It _was_ my fault.

"She's right", Alice commented as she eyed the kitchen door, "This isn't your fault. No reason to suddenly become irrational and decide to do something stupid."

"It's Jasper's fault then?", I asked wryly.

She didn't answer me at first, as her mind filled itself with images of a growling and hissing Jasper. But then the pictures faded, and new thoughts appeared. Thoughts she spoke aloud.

"You're a fool", Alice muttered, "You can't leave. You've tried before, remember. You never succeeded."

I remembered and Alice was right. I had never been strong enough. Always too weak to go. Until tonight. When Bella had cut her finger and Jasper had nearly jumped her. When I'd slammed her into the table and the glass. That's when I'd finally found the courage. The will to protect something bigger and more precious than my own needs.

_Hers_.

Alice gazed at me and slowly, as she took in my face, a vision flashed through her mind. Blurry at first but as our eyes held contact, it defined, sharper and sharper until it was crystal clear.

"We're leaving..", she whispered.

"_Yes.."_

I breathed in deeply, almost pleased to have convinced my sister. But then the afterpain hit me. The vision had been so clear, so devastating.

We _were_ all going to leave.

"You can't tell her tonight. Not on her birthday. Lets at least wait until morning. Maybe that'll give you a new perspective", Alice pleaded.

I didn't answer and walked back inside through the back doors. Alice hurried after me and went to Bella's side - who was now in the living room with Esme and Carlisle. I remained further away, because the smell on her shirt was still too much.

"C'mon, I'll _get _you something less macabre to wear." Alice said as she towed Bella upstairs.

_Don't take my best friend away._

Carlisle waited until they were out of sight and hearing range.

"How are you?", he asked quietly.

I didn't answer. I wasn't feeling good, or even bad. I felt numb.

"We'll discuss our options in the morning", Carlisle stated firmly.

_This decision needs more than one perspective, son. You know we'll support you no matter what you want to do._

I nodded and waited by the front door and opened it as soon as Alice and Bella came down the stairs. I kept my face unreadable and tried to be casual about breathing, knowing the visible relief of in- and exhaling would alarm Bella. I didn't want it to be too obvious I had held my breath, though I was certain she knew.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as Bella walked toward me, her eyes full of questions. She was trying very hard to find out what I was thinking, like an odd reversal of roles. For once I didn't want to know her thoughts because they were certainly full of horror images of Jasper taking a snap at her, of me slamming her into the table. And the undeserved understanding which had followed.

Alice scooped up the two packages, the one half-opened, and Bella's camera from under the piano, and pressed them into Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I could see them stealing quick glances at me. They were worried about me and corcerned about the consequences of my decision. Esme especially thought about how it would affect Bella if we left.

We walked to the truck in silence. Bella didn't say anything and neither did I. I had no idea what to say. Which words could lighten the mood, what could give this horrific celebration a more positive ending? I didn't know, I had nothing. Neither did she, it seemed.

I opened the passenger side for Bella and she climbed in without complaint.

On the dashboard was a big red ribbon, stuck to the new stereo.

_Blood red_, how appropriate.

Bella pulled it off, throwing it to the floor, kicking it under her seat, assuming I didn't see.

I didn't face Bella or looked at the freshly installed stereo as I got behind the wheel.

I turned on the engine and sped down the lane.

The silence was intense and somehow fitting. Normally the cabin would be filled with the zinging electricity between us - how many times, when driving her home, to school or anywhere, had I longed to pull over to kiss her until she was dizzy, but didn't because I wanted to remain in control of myself. And now, there wasn't even that. The air was tainted with the anguish of what had happened tonight.

"Say something," Bella finally begged as we turned onto the freeway.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked quietly.

What could I say? There were no words to express my anger, my selfdisgust. There was nothing I could say now that would make this entire ordeal less horrific. Also, I couldn't let her see. I had to remain aloof.

"Tell me you forgive me.", Bella begged

Forgive _her_? I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the assumption. It was like she was speaking my lines and putting them in the wrong context while she was expressing them.

"Forgive _you_? For what?", I demanded.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened.", Bella told me.

Bella had everything backwards. She feared the wrong things - attention and birthday parties instead of monsters - and she blamed herself when she was the last to have any fault at something. If I had been careful, or rather less selfish than Bella wouldn't be suffering from cracked ribs, broken legs and bleeding bodyparts.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty.", I said icily.

"It's still my fault.", she whispered.

Her attempt to shield the blame for this made me furious, breaking straight through my calm demeanor.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd _get _blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

Mike Newton. Tyler Crowley. Or even Jacob Black. Normal guys. How many times had I envied them. Considered them rivals. Even now. As I was about to set her free. If she was with any of them, she would be safe. Theyd never have to leave her. Their families weren't a possible threat to her life. I certainly envied them for that.

Bella didn't seem to agree though.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?", she demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

I believed her. But again, the context was all wrong. She would die if she stayed with me, not the other way around.

"Don't be melodramatic, please.", I said

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous.", she retorted

We stayed silent the rest of the ride. I stared through the windshield, trying to calm myself and go back to the detached feeling I had clung onto before. But the anger wouldn't fade. The energy of it transferred into an aching feeling of depression.

When we pulled up in front of Bella's house, I killed the engine, but kept my hands clenched around the steering wheel. I needed to remain aloof, and in control.

"Will you stay tonight?" Bella asked. She was almost begging. She instinctively knew what great weight was placed on my decision to stay with her tonight. If I did, we could still make things alright, and salvage the evening.

"I should go home.", I said, but my will was already crumbling.

And I should. But it was so tempting to give in to her plea. Of course I wanted to stay, how could I not. But it was so wrong to give into that. I didn't deserve to lay beside her and bask in the glow coming off her body.

"For my birthday," Bella pressed.

Her logic was fallible. It was only this morning and all these weeks before she had begged me - and ordered me even - not to make a big deal about her birthday. And now she was using it to persuade me to stay. And weak as I was, I was on the verge of giving in.

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other.", I tried to sound stern but her insane logic was enough for me to momentarily push back the choking feeling of dread inside me.

"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs.", Bella said, relief evident in her voice.

Bella hopped out and reached back to get her presents.

"You don't have to take those.", I frowned, keeping in mind how difficult it was for her to receive attention and gifts.

"I want them," Bella responded automatically.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.", I told her.

"I'll live.", Bella retorted as she tucked the presents awkwardly under her good arm and slammed the door behind her.

I got out of the truck and went to Bella's side.

"Let me carry them, at least." I said as I took the packages from her arm. "I'll be in your room."

Bella smiled. "Thanks."

Her smile was too much. Too pure and magnificent to not break through my anger, my depression. In that brief moment, where Bella dazzled me, I decided to put my plan on hold, like Alice and Carlisle had requested.

For _tonight._

"Happy birthday," I sighed, and I leaned down to brush my lips against Bella's.

Naturally, Bella reached up to her toes to make the kiss last longer, and as always I felt my control begin to slip. I pulled away gently, my face twisted in a smile, despite the fact I had nothing to smile about. I disappeared in the shadows as Bella went inside.

I dashed up her window throwing the gifts on Bella's bed, and I sat down myself. I could hear the TV downstairs. I listened to Bella's brief conversation with Charlie. Chief Swan wasn't even suspicious about her wound because he was aware of how prone to accidents his daughter was. He just didn't know that most of her recent 'accidents' originated from the fact I was constantly endangering her life.

I heard Bella climb up the stairs, her soft footsteps heading straight for the bathroom to get ready for the night.

As I waited for her, I thought what had passed tonight. Right now, with Bella safe and sound it was so easy to pretend that this had just been a small accident. That, although I needed to be even more careful - leaving was perhaps too drastic. But then, wasn't this the pattern I followed whenever I thought about leaving? I always found a reason to stay. And this wasn't about the incident itself, it was about the grander scheme of things. I had been careful, I had tried to protect her. But that didn't stop Bella from getting hurt. And it always let back to me. James wanted to kill her because of me. Jasper had the opportunity to kill her because I brought her into our home. And even if she was perfectly fine now and getting hurt was strangely a part of _her_ nature, I couldn't let _mine_ get her killed.

Bella came into her room after five minutes.

"Hi," I said. I couldn't imagine what I sounded like, but I was sure it didn't sound cheerful.

Bella came to the bed, pushed the presents out of my hands, and climbed into my lap.

How many times before had I believed to be in heaven when she was close to me like this. How many times before did I want to give in and lose self control? Too many times, and it was obviously part of the reason I had to leave. But still, the warmth, the longing, it never faded. I could not even imagine how I was going to live without it. I couldn't even bear myself to think about it.

_Not tonight._

"Hi." Bella snuggled against my chest. The heat coming off her radiant body, caressing my skin like smoldering fire, felt so good.

"Can I open my presents now?", she smiled.

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered with suspicion.

"You made me curious.", Bella told me.

She picked up the long flat rectangle package. It was from Carlisle and Esme.

"Allow me," I suggested, wanting to prevent her from getting hurt again. That would make this night into an even greater disaster if such a thing were possible. I took the gift from her hand and tore the silver paper off. I handed the white box back to Bella.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered.

I knew what was in there. But I wondered if we'd ever get to use it.

It had been Esme's idea, knowing from my stories how much Bella missed her mother. She and Carlisle bought Bella two plane vouchers to go to Jacksonville to visit Renée. Bella and I, _together._

Bella looked at the voucher and it took her a minute to _get _the gist of the information. Once she did, her eyes lit up.

"We're going to Jacksonville?", she asked excitedly, despite the fact it went against her nature to accept gifts.

"That's the idea.", I told her

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day.",

"I think I can handle it," I said, frowning. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!", Bella cheered.

She was so confident, so sure of our future, that for a moment I actually saw it too. A future where we'd easily live with the possiblity of Bella getting hurt, where I'd try and prevent it as much as I could. And because we were happy and our love was strong, we eagerly accepted these downsides to our love.

But then the moment popped like a bubble and all I could focus on what right here and now.

_Just enjoy it while you still can. _

And I was going to do just that.

I chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

Bella set the tickets aside and reached for my - and Alice's - present, curiosity flaming her eyes from chocolate to a sparkling golden brown.

I took it from her and unwrapped it like the first one.

I handed her the clear CD jewel case, with a blank silver CD inside.

"What is it?" Bella asked, perplexed.

I didn't say anything, and I took the CD, reaching around Bella to put it in the CD player on the bedside table.

I hit play and waited in silence for Bella's reaction. Then the music began.

Bella listened, speechless and wide-eyed. I waited for her reaction, but she remained silent. For a moment I wondered if maybe she didn't like it.

Tears welled up in Bella's eyes and she reached up to wipe them away before they could spill over.

"Does your arm hurt?" I asked anxiously, assuming she cried because she was in pain.

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it.", Bella told me softly.

She stopped speaking then, because she wanted to listen.

They were my compositions, the ones Alice had helped me record. Amongst them the one playing now, _Bella's lullaby_.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained.

"You're right.", she agreed

"How does your arm feel?", I wondered

"Just fine." Bella said but it was an automatic response. She wasn't fine because I could feel the scorching heat come from under the bandage.

"I'll get you some Tylenol.", I said.

"I don't need anything," she protested, but I ignored this and slid her off my lap and headed for the door.

"Charlie," Bella hissed.

Charlie was snoozing on the couch now that he had caught up with all the games. I could hear the soft snores and scanned through the vague dreams in his mind. He was completely out and wouldn't catch me.

"He won't catch me," I promised as I disappeared silently out the door, only to return a few seconds later with a glass of water and the Tylenol.

She took the pills I handed her without arguing.

Meanwhile, her lullaby continued, softly, in the background.

"It's late," I noted.

I scooped Bella up off the bed with one arm, pulling the cover back with the other. I put her down softly, carefully placing her head on the pillow, and tucked the quilt around her.

I lay down next to Bella, on top of the covers so she wouldn't get chilled—and put my arm over her. I could feel her warmth through the thick blanket.

She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed happily.

"Thanks again," she whispered

"You're welcome.", I told her.

It was so odd to hear Bella sound so relaxed, so happy. Like nothing had happened tonight. _If only_.

It was quiet for a long moment as we listened to her lullaby drift to a close. Another song began. Esme's favorite.

"What are you thinking about?'" Bella suddenly whispered, breaking the silence.

I hesitated because the answer to that question wasn't a pleasant one. One that would give away far too much of the turmoil I felt inside.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.", I told her in earnest.

Bella shivered through the quilt, and I knew this wasn't because she was cold.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" she asked quickly.

It was clear her question was a distraction but I allowed it.

"Yes," I agreed, feeling instantly wary at what it could be she was going to ask me.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

_Right_. Another kiss. The perfect way to distract me. And how could I refuse, when I wanted to feel her warmth so badly.

"You're greedy tonight.", I noted.

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added, piqued.

I laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do."

_Like leave_. I definitely didn't want to do that.

I put my hand under her chin to pull her face up to mine.

I softly touched my lips to hers and it wasn't before long her heart start to react to this, racing in her chest, pounding against mine.

But then, as our kiss was about to intensify and I needed to pull away like I always did, I realized a painful truth.

This would be the last time I'd feel her lips on mine. Because I couldn't bear to taste the sweetness of them again, knowing I'd never be able to leave if I did.

So I enjoyed it while I could, ruffling through her long brown silken locks, pressing myself closer to her so I could bath in her warmth.

Inside me the yearning grew and I wanted nothing more but to stay in the moment forever.

Much like the first night I came here, knowing it would be the beginning, this was a beginning too.

_The beginning of the end_.

When I stopped it felt so abrupt, so_ infinite_.

I regained control and pushed Bella away gently but firmly.

"Sorry," I said, trying to catch my breath. "That was out of line."

"_I _don't mind," Bella panted.

_Of course_ she didn't. She had no idea of what was right and wrong for her. I was wrong for her, no matter how right she believed me to be.

"Try to sleep. Bella.", I frowned.

"No, I want you to kiss me again.", she told me.

_As do I, but I can't. _

"You're overestimating my self-control.", I said wryly. How true this was, in more ways than one. My self-control wasn't just so she'd be protected against the bloodlust inside me. It was my protection against the faltering of my own will.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged.

I grinned, despite the serious tone of the night. I had no choice, because it was a typical Bella question to ask. How I would miss this.

"It's a tie." I smiled,

"Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?", I encouraged her.

"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me.

It didn't take long for Bella to drift away, the stress and pain must have exhausted her. I monitored her breath, her steady heart.

I committed them to memory. The echo of her heart - my replacement heart - pounded in my head like a mocking goodbye sonata. Her steady breath pushing her amazing scent into my nostrils. The burn of it, a permanent marker in my mind, filling the hollow deep inside me.

The room had never been so dark and slowly but effectively I felt it come over me.

It was much like that first night, though entirely opposite in its consequences.

Instead of drowning in a kind of happiness which was surely greater than any kind known to men, I drowned in this haunting darkness, causing waves of fear so terrifying.

I felt the pain of the wounds as they were being etched into my skin, _my heart_, knowing stitches wouldn't be able close them up. I'd forever be trapped in this body which was now broken, and absent of mind and heart.

I closed my eyes, allowing the agony and the darkness to pull me under.

When I opened them, I was altered again, or rather _reversed. _In the _worst _way.

I wasn't even like before - before Bella came into my life - where I'd found some kind of purpose in my existence, albeit very insignificant. I couldn't even feel a sense of monotony, or any kind of small meaning. There wasn't even a hint of light to point of out some kind of reason.

Just_ endlessness._

My midnight sun had fallen over the horizon.

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**As always, I'd like to thank every one whose read this and/or left a review, it means so much to me, so thank you, truly! R&R, please :)**

**Happy Sunday!**


	4. The End

**CHAPTER 3: THE END**

_"I've awaited its arrival_

_I'm not the last one standing_

_Can't depart with a smile_

_Because I've dreaded this ending_

_And now that it has found me_

_Collecting all I ever had_

_I barely remain standing_

_to bear this ending I so dread"_

I thought I'd eventually get used to it. That the hours -as they passed - would allow the darkness to settle inside me without robbing me from my infallible eye-sight. And I did notice every shade on the wall, every dust mote floating in the air. I could see, and yet I was completely _blind_ at the same time.

Like sifting through the muddiest of water with open eyes, there was no light. No point of reason. The shimmering brightness which had shined through my existence the past few months had been dimmed.

Maybe things would have gone different, if I could have seen one single ray of light on the wall somewhere, to prove there was some kind of meaning left.

But unlike that first night in Bella's room, where my midnight sun had started shining, the revelation was entirely other this time. There was nothing.

_Nothing_ but darkness. A black hole I had fallen in, and I didn't have the strength to pull myself out of it. To command myself to fight it.

I could do nothing but sit there in the rocking chair, _motionless_, waiting for morning.

I finally truly understood why I had postponed this, why I had delayed the decision to leave and pushed it away so many times. Why I'd never been strong enough before. The pain, only starting to rip me apart inside, not even at the peek of its mutilation, was already sheer torment.

It reminded me of the pain of transformating from man to monster, a pain I'd always believed to be the most excruciating of pains I had ever experienced.

But this was so much _worse_. Because that pain had set something in motion, it had _meant_ something. This was beyond pain. It was terrifying to know that there was really nothing there, that the idea of going back to the life _before_ Bella, frightened me. It should be easy, after all I had centuries of experience with purgatory, but I had no idea how to slip back into the droning repeats of my immortal life. How did one go back to that, after experiencing the best moments of his life with the only girl he'd ever love? It seemed _impossible._

My muscles, normally flexible and strong felt rigid and wound tight, like they were about to snap. My throat was dry from the aching thirst. It had been a while since I had hunted and the faintest memory of the taste of Bella's blood on my tongue, made the venom flow in my mouth. Soon, I would be without this desire, soon my everlasting self-control would no longer serve the purpose of protecting Bella.

When morning eventually came, it didn't bring along the kind of relief, I'd been hoping for. Instead, acceptance washed over me. There was no resolution in the grey skies. The clouds covering the light looked sinister and permanent. It was fitting to the moment, for I had long used up all my escape-routes, my excuses to stay.

Just before 6.30 AM - the exact time Chief Swan's alarm clock would go off - I went to sit on the edge of the bed.

How many times had I looked at Bella while she was sleeping, marveling her beauty and kindness. Elated and overjoyed by her presence in my life. Amazed by the knowledge she wanted me, despite of what I was. Stunned by the fact, I had been awarded this amount of good kind of fortune.

She was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I swallowed hard as I ran my eyes over her face. She was so exquisite. So perfect. And I loved her endlessly. But more than anything she deserved a long and happy _- safe-_ life.

I remembered the day after our eventful and confessional night in Port Angeles. When Jessica Stanley - of all people - had tricked Bella's feelings for me out of her. Bella - at the time - had been convinced she liked me more than I liked her. The most absurd idea, back then.

I thought about what I told her, during lunch that same day.

_Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it, if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe._

Now I knew better. I didn't care the most. Bella loved me as much as I loved her.

But it was my responsibility to keep her safe. And as unimaginable as it seemed, especially when I thought of those times, where I wanted to leave, but didn't have the will - the time had finally come.

I leaned in to press my lips to her forehead, before I ducked out the window.

The blow came when I hit the ground. I felt the warmth of her skin burn on my lips. But it wasn't the pleasant heat I was used to. It was like a stinging afterbite. A grim fate sealed with an unreturned kiss. It was all I was going to get.

It almost felt good to run, sprinting through the woods. This was natural for me, not the human face I had to put on; the mask of distant pretence I had to wear in front of Bella. Here I was free to let the pain take me over.

I arrived home to find Alice waiting for me on the front porch.

She was very worried. About Jasper. But also about Bella. She had already seen what was to come, I was sure.

"How's Jasper?", I asked, out of courtesy. Selfish as I was, my brother's wellbeing was far down the list of my concerns. Another reason why I had to leave. I'd been so focused on Bella all these months, that I had managed to neglect my family, and they deserved better than that.

"Still feeling very guilty. ", Alice told me.

I nodded.

"Edward, we have talked about this last night and Jasper and I are going to Denali."

"Today", Alice added

I simply nodded again.

_Brilliant._ Not only had I neglected my family but I had also driven them from our home. I was disgusted at how my self-serving ways had caused so much damage.

"Alice, I am sorry. I never meant for this to happen", I mumbled.

_I know. Maybe this is a good thing. Jasper has been having a hard time for quite a while now. Perhaps the time away will do him some good._

"I hope so.."

Alice stayed quiet for a moment then, while she tried to decipher what she saw on my face. When it hit her, her face fell.

_You're going to tell her goodbye soon, _she guessed.

"She doesn't know yet, does she?", Alice wondered sadly

"No...."

"You know she won't take it well. She won't just let you go. ", Alice pointed out.

I shook my head and tried to ignore her words. I didn't want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. I didn't want to discuss with Alice how Bella was going to take the news of our departure because it wouldn't affect the outcome. Alice wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise. And even if Bella wouldn't let me go easily, I'd still have to do it.

"What choice do I have?", I said flatly, "You think it's better to wait until I actually end up killing her.."

_I for one never believed you were going to kill Bella, despite the distinct possibility in my vision. You loved her from the start, and it has always been more powerful than the bloodlust._

"Well, I suppose everything is solved if I just condemn her to immortality then. ", I muttered angrily.

_That's your choice to make._

"And I won't. The only thing I can do now is leave. It's be the best thing for Bella."

Alice sighed unhappily. "I am going to miss her so much."

_Yes._ Me too. More than that, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to survive without her, but perhaps all my experience with living a monotone existence would prove useful now.

"I have to get ready for school.."

Alice nodded.

"Look, Jasper and I will be leaving this afternoon. Rose and Emmett will go with us for a while. Carlisle and Esme both have to tie up some loose ends here and make some new living arrangements. They will follow tomorrow."

She looked me over and took a deep breath. "And _you_..."

"I'll tie up _my_ loose ends as soon as I can. A day or two", I mumbled.

The image filling my sister's head was wry and colourless. It reminded me of the visit to the meadow - painted in sepia tones back then - last week, when the choking panic had already hit me, like a pre-cognitive sense that something bad was going to happen. In Alice's vision, I recognized the woods behind Bella's house, the trail from the yard to the forest. But most prominent was Bella's face, twisted into a mask of pain and rejection. And my face - _beyond recognition_ - hard and without emotion.

"Stop that", I ordered her.

_Sorry. _

"Maybe I can see Bella before we leave. I really want to say goodbye. I could drive up to school and then during lunch..", Alice started

"No", I interrupted her fiercely, "You cannot do that. That will make things even harder for her.."

_If you think that is best. I really believe..._

I cut in before she could finish her thought. "I said 'no!', Alice. Bella needs a clean break and multiple goodbyes won't help with that."

"Fine", she muttered, "But make no mistake. This won't be a clean break for her. No matter what you'll say."

Then she walked away.

I changed clothes and drove to school. After a night of practice, it should be effortless to keep my face smooth, my behavour aloof. It was hard though, harder than I'd imagined to keep the pain - ripping me to pieces internally - from showing on my face and in my eyes. As long as Bella wouldn't see through the mask, then I'd spare her the extra hurt of knowing what I was going through.

Still, knowing Bella and the way she could see straight through me most of the time, it was surely not going to be easy.

I waited for Bella at school, watching students arrive. I wondered how this place would look in a few days, and if anyone would notice our absence. Anyone besides Bella. Things would probably look more normal, and less morbid without the Cullens around. And surely this would be a good thing for Bella too. She wouldn't have to sit at the opposite side of the table anymore, with Alice and me. She could sit with her friends again. Be _human. _

The moment Bella arrived was difficult, and it made my mouth twitch. It was natural for me to respond to her. Smile at the sight of her. But I couldn't. My face couldn't twist out of this mask.

I opened the door for her. "How do you feel?" was all I could bear to ask without losing my remoteness. I heard my own voice and realized it sounded off.

"Perfect," she said.

_A lie_. Bella didn't look perfect - notwithstanding the natural perfection she had; her hold on me made it so difficult not to lean in and press my lips to hers - but her eyes were tired, her face more pale than usual. Perhaps it was her arm bothering her, maybe she was exhausted from her restless night. Or - and I shuddered to think this was the reason, though it was very possible - she knew something very bad was looming on the horizon.

The morning passed slowly. Every class was dull and seemed to drag on. Bella took notes where necessary but she wasn't focused. She fidgeted alot and kept staring at me, when she thought I wasn't looking. But I always felt her gaze on me. I was just no longer in the position to stare back. I couldn't allow myself to give into the need to drown in the pools of her chocolate brown eyes, no matter how much I longed to.

We didn't keep up a conversation and only exchanged words when I'd occasionally ask about her arm. Her answer was always the same. And always a _lie._

I could feel how the silence was building and expanding into a great discomfort, an atmosphere Bella was probably also aware of. If anything, it certainly seemed to make her restless.

She got especially anxious when lunchtime arrived, as she walked to the cafeteria with impatience. Her face fell when she didn 't find Alice at our table.

"Where's Alice?" Bella asked me, her face acutely panic-stricken.

Next to the worry and the apprehension, I could sense the hurt in her voice. _Sense_ it, because I wasn't looking at her. I didn't want to see the pain in her words reflecting in her eyes and so I concentrated on the granola bar I was slowly pulverizing between my fingertips while I answered her. "She's with Jasper."

"Is he okay?", Bella wondered.

"He's gone away for a while.", I said quietly.

"What? Where?", Bella's voice was an octave higher now, more demanding and worried.

I shrugged. "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," Bella said with quiet desperation.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

And had succeeded. They were probably already on their way there.

For a moment, as Bella looked in the distance to comprehend the news, I looked at her eyes - the gateway to her thoughts - and I could see exactly what she was thinking now. She was blaming herself for my mistakes_. Typical_ Bella. So backwards, because she had absolutely no fault in this whatsoever.

Her head bowed and her shoulders slumped. I wasn't certain if it was the realization that Alice wasn't coming back, or perhaps her arm causing her distress.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked her, worry breaking through my aloof stance.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" Bella muttered in disgust, and she put her head down on the table.

I didn't know how to respond to that so I grabbed the piece of a bagle to pulverize it. I no longer had the strength to comfort her. It wasn't my place anymore.

By the end of the day, the silence was becoming ridiculous. I was certain Bella was very much aware of the difference in my behavour. Perhaps it was self-preservation that she didn't ask about it. Maybe she didn't want to know the answer. And it wasn't like I had any idea of what to say.

Maybe she thought I needed some time to deal with what had happened the night before and wanted to give me the space to do it. So many assumptions and no way to find out which one was correct.

"You'll come over later tonight?" Bella asked as we walked—silently—to her truck.

"Later?", I wondered, unaware she was apparently otherwise engaged after school.

This unsettled me for I had hoped - such an odd thing to hope for - to not prolong my goodbye, wanting to leave as soon as I could. For Bella's sake, and the sake of my family too. But now, these plans were crossed with whatever appointment Bella had.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off.", Bella explained.

"Oh," I murmured.

_Darn._ This meant I couldn't say goodbye today. But could I stand it to keep this charade up another one? The mask was already choking me, deforming my face into a permanent grimace of detachment. Such a lie. Such a horrible part to play.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Bella asked.

"If you want me to.", I said flatly.

"I always want you," she reminded me, her words intense and glorious. Perhaps she even said them on purpose, to remind me of her felings - and mine. But it was no longer meant for me to feel happiness with Bella, to claim her as my own. I had made my choice, _unwillingly_, but still a conscious decision. And I owed it to Bella - and my family - to stick with it.

"All right, then," I said indifferently.

I pressed my lips to her forehead and shut the door behind her.

The sensation was still wrong but it didn't hurt as much now. It made sense that this no longer thrilled me and it was better that my body was now hollow and no longer able to process the right feeling when I touched Bella. It was almost a small mercy.

I found Carlisle and Esme at home - or rather, the house we were soon to leave behind to find a new one - filling boxes. Apparently, we weren't taking the furniture - they were covered in white sheets to protect them from dust. It almost seemed like this was temporary, like we would return here at some point - but Carlisle needed his books. Esme too was packing some memorabilia, including some of her sketching pads.

"How is Bella?", Carlisle informed as he carefully taped the boxes that were full.

"Her arm is bothering her alot, I think", I said, knowing my father wasn't just asking for her physical condition, but her emotional state as well. I just didn't know what to tell him.

"I could examine it again or prescribe a stronger kind of pain medicine", my father offered.

Right, like morphine could take away the emotional pain of our break-up.

_Though this isn't just about her arm, is it?_

"No", I shook my head sadly, "And thank you, but it's better if you don't. This is already going to be very difficult as it is"

Esme came to my side and hugged me. "You could stay", she said

But I couldn't. Not anymore. I was long past wavering. Whatever it had been that had pulled me under last night, in her room, it was spreading fast. There was no way back.

"No..", I whispered

Carlisle chimed in. "Edward, you could stay until you graduate. Both of you. And maybe then..."

He didn't finish his sentence aloud. But I could see in his mind what he was thinking.

Bella, still and white. Perfect as ever. Except with bloodred eyes.

_Eternal._

"_NO!!", _I roared, a small portion of the emotions I kept hidden so deeply, resurfacing, "I will never put Bella through that. _Ever_.", I vowed.

I took a deep breath. "And we're a family. If all of you leave, I leave too..."

"And Bella?", Esme wondered softly

"Bella will be fine. _Safe_. She'll have the normal life she deserves", I muttered

Carlisle nodded and padded my shoulder. "If leaving is what you want, you know we support your decision."

My father's words were similar to the ones Alice had used earlier. I was surprised at how my family didn't seem more relieved with the idea they no longer had to pretend in front of Bella. But maybe they had never minded that. Perhaps it was never a pretense for them.

"It is..."

"Alright. Esme and I will go hunting tonight and leave for Denali first thing tomorrow morning. "

Carlisle looked me over.

_Look at his eyes. They're pitch-black. _

"I advice you to hunt too, before you..._go_. ", he said.

I nodded and sprinted up the stairs. I didn't push to hear what my parents were thinking now. I knew my eyes were blacker than ever. Not because I was thirsty - though it would be better to hunt before I left - but because the darkness inside me, was showing in my eyes.

I went to Bella's house just around dinnertime, expecting her to be there too.

But she wasn't home yet and Charlie seemed surprised when he let me in.

"Bella ain't here yet. You want some pizza?", he asked. He didn't wait for my answer and walked back into the living room to watch ESPN.

I joined him in the arm chair, while he plumped down on the sofa. We watched the teams go at it in silence. Charlie would occasionally cheer or mutter "good game", while I was barely aware of what sports we were watching.

Eventually, after what seemed to be ages, Bella arrived home.

"Dad? Edward?", Bella called as she walked through the front door.

"In here," Charlie called.

"Hi," Bella said. Her voice sounded off.

"Hey, Bella," Charlie answered, while he kept his eyes focused on the screen. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay."

Bella waited in the doorway and I knew she expected me to say something. I concentrated really hard on giving off the right expression as I turned to her and smiled. It was awkward because there was no sincerity behind it. Just the mask twisting into an expected - falsely assuring - expression. Her eyes were as wrong as mine. There was something brimming in them - perhaps the same ugly truth I was preparing myself - and Bella - for. But like me, she perversely hid it behind her own mask. I wasn't sure what her motivation was, though.

"I'll be right behind you," I promised and let my eyes stray back to the TV.

I knew she was shocked. I didn't need to see her face again to hear her heart give away her reaction. Never had I chosen to watch sports over spending time with her. Never had I wanted to. Never had it been necessary.

Bella went into the kitchen then. Knowing I wasn't going to follow.

I knew she was there, in the other room. Waiting for me. Waiting for things to go back to normal. Knowing this wasn't going to happen.

I didn't know what she'd be thinking in there and just this once I was happy she was the one exception to my gift. I was better off not knowing her agony, for it would only expand my own. That's why I had to hide behind the mask until our final goodbye. It would do Bella no good to know what was bothering me, to know about the chilling darkness that had hollowed me out inside. It would scare her and she'd want to fix things. Things that were beyond repair.

It could have been ages later when there was some movement. Bella came out of the kitchen, but she moved straight past the living room and up the stairs. In the second she passed I noticed the camera in her hands.

It was a short while later when I heard her bound down the stairs again.

From my peripheral vision I could see she was leaning around the corner, camera ready to snap a picture. I didn't look up, I merely kept my face fixated on the TV-screen.

When Bella took the picture, Charlie looked up. I did the same as an automatic -_human _- reaction. Charlie frowned. I wasn't sure what could be read on my face.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.

"Oh, come on." Bella went to sit on the floor in fron of Charlie, taking more pictures. She was smiling, but her face was mirroring mine. It was all meant to be a pretense. I just didn't understand why _she_ was pretending.

"You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he grumbled.

"Because you're so handsome," Bella replied, keeping it light. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

"Now I wish I hadn't bought the darn thing", Charlie muttered, too low for Bella to hear.

"Hey, Edward," Bella said, her voice surprisingly neutral, "Take one of me and my dad together."

She threw the camera toward me without looking at me, and knelt beside the arm of the sofa where Charlie's face was. Charlie sighed.

"You need to smile, Bella," I murmured.

Her lips curled up in a painful grimace of make-belief happiness. All meant to support the parts we both seemed to be playing.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie suggested.

I stood and lightly tossed him the camera.

Bella went to stand beside me, and I put one hand lightly on her shoulder, while Bella wrapped her arm more securely around my waist. This was a natural reaction - maybe I was wrong about Bella pretending, or maybe she simply couldn't help herself - one I wanted to copy, how could I not? But any kind of real physical contact would make my will crumble. And I couldn't affort to be weak. And so the portrait became a formal one. All wrong and yet so _befitting_.

"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded her again. I couldn't even look at her face to see if she would oblige.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said then, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

I dropped my hand from her shoulder and twisted casually out of her arm. I sat back down in the armchair, wondering how long this would have to go on. A part of me wanted to stop the act, and just forget about the plan.

I could tell Bella hesitated for a minute and then she went to sit against the sofa again. Her hands were shaking and I knew she was slowly coming to terms with what was going to happen. And how she wasn't going to stop it.

Eventually, the show ended. Bella hadn't moved at all since she had sat down.

I rised and walked toward the hall.

"I'd better get home," I said.

Charlie didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."

Bella stumbled slightly as she got to her feet and followed me out the front door.

It was pouring outside. Such appropriate weather for an impending goodbye.

"Will you stay?" Bella asked, her voice flat and lifeless. She knew the answer.

_No._

"Not tonight." I said as I walked away.

I got in my car and drove off while Bella stood there in the rain, _unmoving. _The sight of her in the rear-view mirror made the mask on my face ache. I so badly wanted to snap out of it. But it was like I was a mute. Like I was trapped in this body, strangled by the gloom. And in all fairness, I was. I had been trapped for ninety years. Like a caged animal which had been tamed by love, now wounded and set free. But how would he survive in the unknown wilderness?

I arrived home to find most of our things packed. My room was the only one which didn't resemble the emptiness of the rest of the house.

Carlisle and Esme weren't there. They were hunting, like Carlisle had told me in the afternoon.

I spend the night packing. At some point during the night, when I was carefully placing clothes, books and CD's in some boxes, I found a small object in the back pocket of some khaki's.

The bottle cap from the first time Bella had sat with me at lunch. My token, my keepsake. I threw it in a garbage bin, and continued packing.

But my eyes kept wandering to the bin and when my final box was stuffed to the top, I grabbed the bottle cap and threw it in. I allowed myself this one materialized reminder. The rest would forever be stored inside me.

The next day was much alike the previous one with the exception that the house was completely empty now, apart from the furniture. Carlise and Esme left just before dawn, both sympathic with me. I promised them I'd call as soon as I was on my way.

The rest of the day was even more morose than the one before. Bella and I didn't speak and the silence became more unbearable as time went on. We exchanged one word when Bella didn't know the answer when Mr. Berty asked her a question and I whispered it her ear. I barely noticed when Bella gave Jessica her camera during lunch with the request to take some pictures. I simply assumed she did this for Renée, giving her mother some insight into her life and friends here. And soon enough that normal portrait of Bella's life would be without the abnormality of my presence in it.

I had stopped to read the minds of the students around me days ago, and I blocked out the thoughts about Bella, though the gist of them were filled with small worry from her friends, who wondered if Bella and I had a fight of some kind to cause this friction between us.

Friction. Fighting. If only that'd been possible. Little did Bella's friends know, that we were long past that. I could only hope that they'd be there for her once I left.

Bella had to work again after school and _again_, it crossed with my plans to execute my goodbye. And since I didn't feel like a repeat of the previous night, I stayed away. Playing pretend by watching sports with Charlie was no longer necessary. Bella knew it was an act.

Instead I went hunting like Carlisle had suggested.

Dashing trough the woods, giving in to my most primal urges felt good. _Serene_. The blood didn't satuate the thirst like it normally did. It just proved and underlined what I was. A monster, never able to be a man. This comforted me in a morbid way, for it made me all the more determined to follow this through. With every drip of blood that filled my body, I felt calmer. Like an actor who was ready for the final act of the play.

Alice's vision from the day before played in my head. Over and over. Bella's face, full of pain, _numb._ I would break her down. I could only hope she'd understand some day.

The next day wasn't new, but just a repeat of the previous ones. I waited for Bella until she arrived. We walked to class in silence. I was almost happy when school was over. Relieved that I didn't have to pretend much longer.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked before we got to the truck.

"Of course not."

"Now?" I asked again, opening the door for her.

"Sure," Bella told me as she got in, "I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I looked at the fat envelope on the passenger seat reaching over and snagged it.

"I'll do it," I said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there.", I smiled at her, not knowing why. This wasn't going to be a happy moment. Maybe I was just trying to comfort her, to soften the blow.

"Okay," Bella agreed, but she didn't return my smile. I shut the door, and headed toward my car.

I raced to the mailbox with the sole purpose of dropping off the letter and go straight to Bella's house.

But as I stood there, the envelope weighing heavy in my hands, something occured to me. I stared at the thick package. It wasn't hard to decipher what was in there with the letter to Renée. I felt bad for prying but I couldn't stop my fingers from sliding past the seal. I was too curious to stop myself. In the envelope I found Bella's letter to her mother, but I didn't read it. Already I was invading Bella's privacy by going through the rest on the content in the envelope. After I had taken the photos out, I did something unforgiveable. Instead of dropping the entire content of the envelope in the mailbox, I quickly scanned through the photos and took the three most important ones out. The one of Bella and me together, the portrait incredibly formal because my face was so cold and a sharp contrast to Bella's beautiful blush. The second picture was the one of me alone. The last one was of Bella and Charlie. I neatly stacked the remaining photos with the letter and slid them back into the envelope, after which I dropped it into the mailbox. I silently chided myself for taking the three photos out, especially because I was about to take these reminders away from Bella - all part of my plan to erase myself from her mind and take the essence of my nature out of her life - but I couldn't stop myself and so I put them my back-pocket.

I arrived at Bella's house way before she did.

I hadn't spend time plotting this, after all, how could one plan a goodbye he was dreading? It was far too painful. Though Alice's vision had given me some ironic pointers. The mask would protect me from slipping up. If I executed the cruel lines well enough, Bella would be safe. But before I could say them, I had to do something else.

_Erasing evidence_. Such an important part of what I was.

The first part was done, I had already taken out the photos of me from the ones Bella had meant to send to her mother. There had been no point in removing the one with Bella and her father, but I had only taken that one because _she_ was in it. Although I did not deserve it, I longed to have materialized proof of our time together. Of Bella's presence in my existence.

Now I had to execute the second part of destroying the proof. I had no choice. If I was truly going to leave Bella than it was only fair I left no memories behind. Well, as fair as fair went. After all, I had collected me some reminders myself. But for me that would be all I would ever have. I wasn't supposed to move on, so I _could _dwell. Bella on the other hand, she deserved a clean break.

I dashed up her window, where I searched for the CD with my compositions, the plane ticket vouchers from Carlisle and Esme and the pictures Bella took for the scrapbook her mother had given her. I collected them on Bella's bed.

She wouldn't have to be reminded of me. I was already going to crush her, but this would be fleeting. She'd heal. And to help her with that, to speed up the recovery process and give her that clean break, I needed to erase all evidence I'd ever existed. Thus destroying the physical reminders.

But, sentimental as I suddenly was - I had no idea where it came from at the moment, but apparently some emotion managed to break through my armor, perhaps I wanted to give Bella the opportunity to keep some physical reminders herself, without flaunting them in her face - instead of burning the items, I decided to hide them.

I kneeled on the floor in the south corner of her room. it wasn't hard to pry open one of the floorboards. I grabbed the items and carefully placed them there. After that I correctly put the floorboard back in place.

No more mementos. Not ever, if she didn't want to. But should she ever, for Lord knows what reason look here, then she would find them and remember _me_. Well, a part of me, at least. Somehow that felt like a consolation. That no matter what would happen now, there was still a part of our time together hidden somewhere close by.

Under her floorboards. In my pocket. Small tokens of the ebt time of my limitedless life.

I took one glance around her room. One more deep intake of air, her scent burning me with a bitter sting. I ran downstairs and took the note from my pocket.

I read it once before I put it on the table in a visible way.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path_, it read, _Back soon, B_.

This would be enough for Charlie to find Bella, should she do something irrational after I left. It hadn't been difficult to copy Bella's messy handwriting. It wasn't perfect, but enough to convince the Chief. My final act as her guardian angel.

Then, as I made sure there was nothing left in her house to remember me by, I walked out the front and went to sit in my car.

When Bella arrived, I got out. I reached to take her book bag and placed it onto the seat, after which I shut the door.

"Come for a walk with me," I suggested, and I took her hand.

Her heart stammered and I could hear her breathing accelerate. She was struggling to keep her breath even. Her palm was sweaty.

She had to know something bad was coming. And this meant she'd do anything to stop me. She too had a role to play. I just had to make sure I was more convincing. For her benefit.

We'd gone only a few steps into the trees when I stopped. We were barely on the trail—I could still see the house.

This would be far enough. If all went like it was supposed to, Bella wouldn't get lost here. She'd go straight inside after I left. And otherwise Charlie would find the note.

I leaned against a tree and stared at Bella. Her face was tense, her eyes wide. Her heart was still uneven.

"Okay, let's talk," she said, her voice sounded brave, but the underlining edge gave away her unease.

_Yes_, she knew exactly what was coming.

_Lights, camera._

I took a deep breath.

_Action!_

"Bella, we're leaving."

She took a deep breath, too.

"Why now? Another year—", Bella started, pleading.

_Stick with your part. Do not give in. _I reminded myself.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She stared at me for a long moment, trying to comprehend what I was saying.

Her eyes widened in horror as soon as she understood.

Our eyes met and I could see the reflection of mine in hers. They were frozen gold. _Dead. _

All part of the act.

"When you say _we_—," Bella whispered.

Yes, she was starting to understand now.

"I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct. To leave little room for arguing.

Bella shook her head back and forth, it looked mechanic, as if she was trying to clear it.

I waited, giving her time to process my words. Minutes passed where she scrutinized my face, where she seemingly struggled to respond. But finally she did.

"Okay," Bella said. "I'll come with you."

I had anticipated this, knowing it would be her response.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."

It was a ridiculous excuse, a lie. But I had no choice. A lie was all I had to offer her now. To protect and preserve her future.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

Another expected answer. She wasn't going to let me go easily, like Alice had predicted. I wondered what kind of future my sister saw now. I was certain the still - white image of the frozen formed Bella, her eyes swimming with blood had disappeared from my sister's view.

"I'm no good for you, Bella.", I said flatly.

How true this was. I was the very worst part of her life, even if she thought otherwise. But she would eventually agree with me, she just needed time to see the truth and acknowledge it.

"Don't be ridiculous.", she said. Her words, meant to sound angry, I was certain, sounded more like a plea. "You're the very best part of my life."

Still holding on. Still pleading. I needed to be more convincing.

"My world is not for you," I said grimly.

_No lie there._ Every second she spend near me gave proof of that. How I couldn't be close to her, or never as close as I wanted and longed to be because there was always that darn chance of breaking her. No to mention the rest of my family and the uncertain threats they posed.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted to correct her.

But whenever had my stay been the best for her? It felt like such a long time ago when I was her protector. Now I was continuingly the one she needed protecting from.

"_No_! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Bella shouted, furious, the words exploding out of her. But still, it sounded like she was begging me to stay.

"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

It would have been so easy to stop there. To move to her side and scoop her up in my arms. To pretend that I could keep her, forever. Perhaps even make her one of my family, if that was the only way we could be together. Maybe if I tried really hard, then this could still work...

_Stop it! Play your part. Focus and finish it. _

I stared at the ground and tried to find a last bit of strength to see this through by taking a deep breath. I reminded myself that this wasn't about me, or about my feelings, my everlasting longing and need to be with her. The unmeasurable amount of love I felt for her. It was _because _of that, I needed to do this.

This was about Bella and how my existence and presence in her life, posed a constant threat to her. And no matter what I wanted, there was one thing more important.

_Bella. _Her life, and happiness.

And so I pushed through to play the part I was given now. I had to convince her with the biggest of lies.

When I finally looked up, I knew my face was twisted into a new mask. Cold and insensitive. I was the bad guy, the villain.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke the words slowly and precisely, watching her as she absorbed what I was really saying.

She stayed silent as she stared at me.

"You… don't… want me?" Bella tried out the words, whispering.

"No."

Bella stared, uncomprehending, into my eyes. And I stared back. She had to see it, read it in my eyes. Even if it was a lie, it was _the one_ she _had_ to believe.

And it seemed like she did.

"Well, that changes things.", Bella said calmly.

It was odd, for this felt like it was too easy. Was she already convinced?

Her supposed acceptance was very hard to hear. Had she never believed me when I'd told her I loved her? Had I not said it every single day? Did she believe I didn't want her, _this _easily.

Why did that sting? After all, this was what I wanted, wasn't it? This would guarantee her safety.

I looked away into the trees as I spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."

I stared back at her relentlessly. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

These few words managed to diminish everything we had. To shatter the best time of my life - and hers - and make it seem meaningless. The irony wasn't lost on me. The part I played now was _pretending_, acting like a callous monster, the words he spoke painted as the truth, while the real truth - deeply hidden inside - had never been an act. Though I had been fooling myself. I had pretended to be a man, yearning to be one, for Bella. But I had failed.

"Don't.", she whispered, pleading. "Don't do this."

Hmm, maybe she had some fight in her after all. Maybe she saw through the lies and would finally start arguing. But I couldn't permit her the opportunity.

I scrutinized her face to look for evidence, to see if my words had served their purpose. But she wasn't quite there yet. I could see it in her eyes. There was still hope there.

Time for the final blow. The _greatest_ lie of them all.

"You're not good for me, Bella." I spoke, turning my earlier words around, knowing Bella - and her selfconsciousness - wouldn't be able to argue with that.

It was low, so very low. _Blasphemy._ She was the very best part of me. But I had to make her believe. For her own good.

Bella opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it again.

I waited for her to regain composure.

She tried again. "If… that's what you want."

I simply nodded.

_Good._ She understood. Now all I had to do was to make sure she'd keep herself safe.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.

Bella's face, twisted in an aching from the pain and shock of my cruel words - silently reflecting my own pain - relaxed a little and I saw hope shimmer again in her eyes.

For one second I wavered at the sight of this. It seemed she thought my request would point to an outcome more optimistic than the one we were both dreading. I wanted to give her hope, but then reigned myself in again.

"Anything," she vowed, her voice faintly stronger.

My final request, not a lie, but something I needed to ask and hear Bella promise.

The mask of detachment dropped and I stared deeply into her eyes.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, no longer remote, but almost passionate. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She had to promise, I needed her to understand. I could no longer protect her and while I hoped that with my departure the bad things that were so drawn to Bella would vanish too, I had to make sure she wouldn't so anything to harm herself. And that she wouldn't go looking for danger either.

Bella nodded helplessly.

I felt my face smooth into the well composed mask again, how easy this was now - and the distance returned. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."

It wasn't like she owned me anything. Not even her own well-being and it would be selfish for me to ask her to do this for my benefit - knowing I wouldn't be able to bear it if something happened to her. Besides, what was the point. We'd never see each other again after this. Of course, the idea of a world without Bella somewhere in it was incomprehendable. If she existed out there - not within my reach but alive and happy - than that was reason enough for her to make this promise to me.

She nodded again. "I will," Bella whispered.

She sounded completely sincere.

This made me feel a little better. As long as Bella was safe - that was all that mattered. And now that she had promised me, I owed her one more thing in return.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I told her "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

The consequences of this promise were ripping me apart even further, and they seemed to have the same effect on Bella.

Her knees started to shake, and her heart was pounding unevenly, but fiercely. I was worried for a moment, that I had played my part too well, that she'd get physically hurt. It would be extremely ill-timed to have to call a doctor, or even drive her to the hospital.

I had to calm her, so that she'd be alright.

"Don't worry", I soothed her with a smile, "You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

This was true. From what I had read and observed, humans were able to forget about painful things. But what had Alice said?

_Make no mistake. This won't be a clean break for her._

Alice could be right. Bella wasn't simply a human and I wasn't certain if she'd forget. I wasn't even sure if I wanted her to. The thought of me ebbing away from the vault of her memories was an agonizing thought. I felt the photos burn in my back pocket and reminded myself that she too had some memories buried in her room. Even if she didn't know, the proof was out there.

_Make up your mind_, I ordered, _you cannot leave her and want her to remember you at the same time._

"And your memories?" Bella asked, her voice barely audible.

Of course, she was thinking of_ me_. I was crushing her spirit bit by bit and she still wanted to make sure _I _was all right.

"Well"—I hesitated for a short second—"I won't forget. But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted."

That last part was true, with a mind as large and spacious as ours, it was easy to get distracted. But I'd never forget and no matter what came on my path now - no matter what distraction would consume me, though I couldn't imagine there was anything to properly capture my attention again - I'd never be able to escape the memories. Especially not because I'd always carry the proof around with me.

I smiled tranquilly. This was about to be over and it was oddly relieving.

I took a step away from Bella "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

My words made some revelation apparent on Bella's face, some kind of awareness flickered in her eyes.

"Alice isn't coming back," she realized. Her voice was nothing but a whisper blending in with the wind.

I watched her as I shook my head.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Bella said flatly

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.", I explained

Her breath was still uneven and her heart hadn't found a more peaceful rhythm. Once again I committed the sounds to memory, knowing they were already etched in my mind. Permanently.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said quietly.

"Wait!" Bella choked as she slumped forward, reaching to stop me.

I reached for her too, locking my hands around her wrists and pinned them to her side. I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead very lightly. Bella closed her eyes. I could feel the blood pulse against my lips, a warmth rolling off her cheeks.

It _burned. _Worse than ever before. Because it was the final flame. The heat was worse than any kind of burning toment in hell

"Take care of yourself," I breathed against her skin.

And then I was gone.

It took less than a few seconds to reach my car and drive away.

The confined space of the Volvo made me feel like I was choking. Especially since her scent was everywhere, _lingering_. Already taunting me with what I was giving up. Suddenly I hated the photos that I had taken and I was disgusted for allowing myself to take them with me. I took them from my pocket and threw them into the glove department.

Out of sight, out of...._sight_. Never out of mind. She would always be in there. Photos or not.

I made it as far as the turnoff to our house and then I couldn't take it any longer. I had to get out. Run from the memories which were already lining up in my mind, like inescapable reminders I couldn't get away from.

And so, in a poor attempt to stay ahead of the looming despair, I _ran and ran_, until I reached the house. I came to a halt, my breath strangely uneven, like I was still choking. I wanted to scream, but didn't. What would be the point? I could fill my lungs with air, I could breath. I could scream and raise hell. But why should I? I was drained and slumped to the floor, acknowledging my defeat. I couldn't outrun the anguish. As I lay there, I could only hope for one thing. That my breathing was unsteady because I was about to die, as impossible at that would be. How much I longed for it. And as the night fell over me, an suffocating blanket of black draping my mind, I wished I could cease to exist.

Because there was nothing left to go on for.

Love, life, meaning… _over._

_Forever._

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**I'll start with thanking everyone for their continuing support, thank you so much! R&R please :)**

**Secondly, it was so difficult to write this. To be honest, this is my favorite but also most agonizing moment in New Moon and I hate to write Edward so detached. I wanted to slap sense into him :P In a way, his feelings are even more intense than Bella's and I hope I can show this in the upcoming chapters, which are mostly based on my own imagination, since we know so little about his time away. Hopefully I can do his story justice :)**

**I hope everyone had a nice Easter-weekend!**


	5. AUTHOR NOTE

For those who have been wondering (or not ;) I am working on a chapter 4 for Fallen Horizon. But there are few known sources and little information about what Edward did while away, so it takes a little more effort. And unfortunately, I have a day job too, plus sort of a life and that pesky Eternally Intertwined story, which is easier to write because the characters are less complex (Read: Edward is less complex :P). Also, I am re-reviewing Continuance on grammar errors and some -perhaps- necessary edits.

But no worries, FH will follow the story the way New Moon did, with hopefully....just as many chapters :)

Thank you for all your reviews and positive words and critiques.

Finally: I'd love it if someone would become my Beta. Or perhaps more people since I have more stories. So if people want to, I'd be very happy, since I have found that to 'perfect' my stories, I want my grammar to be acceptable. I usually recognize most of my errors and am working to correct them (even with past chapters etc), but I can't to catch them all and I'd hate it if it took away from the quality of my stories :)

**- Bronze**


	6. Waking Up

**CHAPTER 4: WAKING UP**

_"I'm miles from where you are,_

_I lay down on the cold ground_

_I pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms"_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_"Edward? _Edward!"

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tried to block out the thoughts._ The voice._ This wasn't the one I wanted to call for me. But I'd _never_ hear that other voice, the one I longed for so much, _again._

_Wow, he really does look quite pathetic. It would be amusing to see him without that smug superiority if it wasn't so annoying. I am *so* over it._

Rosalie's thoughts moved on to other things almost instantly - I irritated her too much to hold her attention for long - and she was now focused on something about a dress of Tanya's she wanted to try on. There was vanity and jealousy involved and I found myself caring about that even less than I usually did.

"You look a fool for acting so dramatic! We all know you're heartbroken, since you've been moping around about it for weeks. We've gotten the visual! Well, allow me one small piece of advice: boo-hoo Edward, get over it!" she snapped before she turned and walked away.

Rosalie. Who thought I was just being dramatic. Not because I was in fact miserable and this was an emotion she simply couldn't grasp, but because she believed drama was a part of my character. Something I_ enjoyed _even.

And this had been her one attempt to reason with me. And she knew it was pointless, because I wasn't at all invested in her effort. Neither was she, because she didn't care enough to keep trying. It was obligatory, because we were Cullens; both a part of the same family and so she had to do something to try and drag me out of this sorrow. But her lack of patience and compassion meant she wouldn't invest in my well-being any deeper than to yell at me and find me pitiful. Especially the latter, she was very good at pitying me.

Something _she_ enjoyed.

I opened my eyes and found myself relieved to be alone again. Thankful, almost.

The sky was clear now, after a small blizzard had drifted away in the afternoon. The stars were bright specks lighting up the black horizon with their brilliance.

I blinked once, but I couldn't see them. _Not really_.

Not when _she_ wasn't around to uncloud my vision.

The glacier winds blew snow from the branches of the few black spruces that were still growing at this altitude.

Beautiful, pure and happy little flakes drizzled around me, without a care in the world.

I wanted to crush those glistening white shapes with my hands.

But what would be the purpose?

All I could do was turn them into rock hard lumps. My skin wasn't warm enough to melt the snow. My skin was never warm enough, never comfortable.

Looking at my empty stone hands made me long for the heat of _hers. _And hate the coolness of mine.

Frustrated about this, I balled my hand into a fist and smashed it down on the snow-covered spot next to me. The sound of the flocks swirling around echoed in my ear. It sounded so hollow.

The Rolex G.M.T. Master II on my wrist would give away the exact hour of this night time - I only wore it occasionally because it had been a gift from Rosalie and I didn't want to irritate her more than I usually did by being inconsiderate and not wear it at all.

I glanced at it briefly, watching the seconds pass. Then I pulled it off and stuffed it deep into my pocket.

I truly didn't need it, because time passing didn't matter one bit. Not _without her_.

The moment I had left her there in the woods near her house, the anguish had erupted into a massive pitch black - seemingly bottomless - hole.

At the time I had almost believed to be having something close to a heart attack, because the hurt was so immense and sudden. Worse than any kind of torture known to man or monster. This was the kind of loss one could never heal from.

Certainly I had to be dying, but unfortunately this was a wish unfulfilled.

It never happened. My breathing had slowed and all I saw was the darkness around me. No bright light, no heaven. And the pain never faded, but the stabbing plunges with which it came were soon familiar and part of the agony. At the time I couldn't see the true reason behind the anguish and I didn't understand why I wouldn't just die.

Rationally I knew that dying a natural death was simply impossible for my kind. After all, without a beating heart and blood pumping around the body to stimulate the organs, there was no physical way I could actually stop existing.

But that didn't stop me from wishing for death anyway.

I don't know how I'd managed, but eventually I'd found a last piece of strength, or maybe it was just some sort of misformed adrenaline, born from the rippling pain that spread itself across my chest, creating a hole like a crater slamming rock-solid ground- but I did make it out of Forks and on my way to Denali.

The car ride had been spent in one endless stream of darkness, with the exceptions of the headlights at either side of the road. And then, when morning came with a grey overhead of clouds covering the Canadian skies, nothing seemed different.

Focusing on the road, the long line of asphalt, gave me no relief. Concentrating on meaningless shapes outside never distracted me.

I knew _why._

There was no distraction strong enough. Because it wasn't just pure pain.

And pain was that. Just a physical reaction to an emotional outlet that was extremely powerful._ That _I could deal with, no matter how bad it was. My body wouldn't crumble under the aching.

_Unfortunately._

I could circumvent that, if I tried extremely hard. The throbbing pain didn't affect me, it wouldn't break down my body. It was more irritable than it was unbearable.

But then, in reality, the pain _wasn't_ physical. There was an aching, so strong, _so incredibly potent_, I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. It didn't break my body, it only crushed my mind, overwhelming my soul with a lingering darkness I couldn't escape. It had nothing to do with physical strength. This was testing my mental abilities to bounce back, to heal.

A test I was failing.

With every mile I'd put between us, every second that I drifted further away from her, I felt the invisible cord stretch.

The bond between her and I. Forged the moment we met, locking us tightly together, leaving neither of us any room or strength to fight the connection.

_Until now._

I'd crossed rivers and statelines, putting more than thirteen hundred miles between us. That surely would wear out the cord. It would snap.

Like I had intended. So she would be safe.

_My love. _The only one I'd do anything for. Whose name was etched in my mind, always lingering on my tongue. My nostrils still flared at the memory of her scent. So powerful, so wicked. So absent now.

I could think of her features, her mannerisms. Her beauty, her soul. It was excruciating to do so, but it was easier than to think of her name. To put a word to her essence, a noun to who she was. That was very difficult.

I tried to push it away, but it always resurfaced because the word never dared to be pushed down.

_Bella._

Her name was displayed like a neon sign, the moment I let the thought of it slip. The sound of it rang in my ears and I clutched my chest again for support.

_That damn hole_. It was getting bigger with every second passing. Plummeting deeper without a bottom to catch the despair.

Eating away at me until the moment there'd be nothing left of me.

Maybe then I'd die.

I hoped so.

But for the moment I was still breathing, so that probably indicated I wasn't dying anytime soon. Still alive. Or rather, I was existing. Because I'd never be alive again. Not without my heart.

I now knew the real reason why I was still alive, but dead at the same time. In specifics, it had nothing to do with immortality. I didn't have a heart that would stop beating- and not because it had been silent for so many decades, but simply, because my heart was gone. Replaced by the bottomless dark hole in my chest.

A miniscule part of me, too insignificant to fight the darkness for long_ was _in fact angry, because I hadn't gotten the solace, the peace I so desperately longed for.

Why wasn't I dead? Why was I still here? It was incredibly unfair. I was a monster with nothing to go on for. My heart left behind with the only love I'd ever know. The one I'd never see again. How was I supposed to move on and pretend to build an existence for myself. It was absurd to even entertain the idea, because it was impossible.

Another part of me, a feeling - just as small as the anger - of remorse burned slightly. Remorse for wanting this undeserved peace, this ending of my existence. I had no right to be angry, no right to want comfort.

After all, this was karma in its worst form. I'd been selfish for so long and now I was paying the biggest price.

All I had now, was the assurance of wasting away. Day after day. I couldn't even stop it. I would just have to endure it.

_Forever._

That wasn't even the worst of it though.

The physical pain, the absence of my heart - the dark hole, the neon-flashing of her name in my head, the sound of it silently echoing in my ears, it was tolerable in the sense that it was fair. My punishment for being so self centered.

No, the _worst_ thing, the most agonizing feeling of all was knowing that this was what was best for her. And this too wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been for one specific train of thought I tried to shy away from.

_Bella._ Recovered and healed. Already forgetting about me.

Like I had intended with my goodbye. After all, I had promised her, it would be as if I'd never existed. Which would be a lot easier if she forgot about me entirely.

Except that I didn´t want her to forget. I needed her to remember. She was the very best thing that had ever happened to me in my ninety-plus years and if she´d forget than my existence would be truly useless.

It was an internal battle between my own selfish need for her to remember and all the reasons for wanting her to forget. The reasons for which I had left her in the first place.

So Bella could be safe and happy. _Human._

Hanging out with her friends.

I wondered briefly - a small second was all I could bear - how she would be filling her days. During the normal school days she'd probably laugh freely with her friends: Jessica, Angela and Ben without the restraint of having to sit beside me and realize how uncomfortable us Cullens made her friends feel.

Of course with this activity would come the attention from the young teenage boys with their rampaging hormones. Especially now that I was gone.

I remembered that first day. All that attention from the male student body at Forks High.

Eric. Mike. Maybe even Tyler.

It would only be a matter of time until someone new would come along.

Or rather, someone _familiar._

Something - a deliberately suppressed memory - was nagging at the edges of my mind. I tried to push it away. Without any luck, because it forced itself upon me without a hint of mercy.

I hadn't forgotten the way Jacob Black had looked at Bella during prom, last spring. I remembered his thoughts. He was in love with her. And a friend of the family.

So it wouldn't necessarily take much for them to get together.

After experiencing the unbearable torment of my memories and absent heart for weeks, I hit a new low whenever I thought of this.

Bella and Jacob Black together.

I couldn't be sure if this was going to happen, but I was quite certain Jacob Black would at the very least try.

And why shouldn't he. After all, Bella was free. And I had lost my right to claim her as mine. I'd buried that right alongside my heart, somewhere deep beneath Bella's floorboards. Erasing everything we ever had.

I shuddered. This was a subject even more forbidden than thinking of her name.

Bella loving someone else.

I shoved against another unwanted memory. The one from a long time ago.

The one from a time where my love for her had started to settle in every portion of my body.

When Mike Newton and later his dimwitted friends had asked her out to the spring dance and she had turned all of them down. I remembered how I'd seen her future back then, without me in the equation.

Walking down the aisle in gauzy white on her father's arm. Walking towards her future. Towards someone who'd never be me.

_Now_, that future was wide open again and every time I thought of it, I could feel the bond between us, invisible and powerful - tear a little. It didn't snap, it never broke, but it was only a matter of time.

Until it would rip.

And then she'd be free.

I imagined that wouldn't be very long.

And the more I imagined it, the more the pain burned.

I breathed in deep and sat up. The motion of flexing my muscles probed at the edges of the hole. I wanted to lie back down again, but didn't.

_Better start getting used to it, _I chided myself_.  
_

We'd been in Denali for four weeks now and my routine had been the same ever since I'd arrived here.

I simply existed, I remained.

Seconds to minute, minutes to hour. Hours that passed into days that were insignificant but imminent. Filled with memories I couldn't break away from.

I'd avoid the ones around me as much as I could. As much for their sake as it was for mine.

And yes, every day I'd tell myself to make an honest effort to be somewhat sociable. And every day, every time I had to face my family, the Denali coven or their odd round of guests, I couldn't help but make a run for it.

Running was good, because it was effortless. It was exactly what I needed. Some sort of movement that I didn't need to think about or process.

And anything that went without any kind of effort or trying on my part was about all I could stand.

I always ended up here. This familiar snow bank. The one where I had looked at the glowing blue and yellow sky, so many months ago. When she was nothing but a torment, a haunting image taunting me. The one whose blood I longed for, but couldn't have. That face, blocking my view, much like it was now.

No matter how hard I tried to suppress the vision, I never managed long. There would always be something to remember her by.

I sighed heavily and dropped myself to the ground again. This feeling too was getting almost normal.

If I sat up right - leaning against the snow bank - and stared at the sky, I rationally knew it was lit with stars. But then, when those chocolate eyes relentlessly gazed at me in my thoughts, I lost my hold on refraining from remembering.

And then, once I remembered something, anything that was connected to _her, _it was impossible to look away, to not feed my need to reminisce, my desperation to not lose a single memory. I was glued to the images of her face, her smile. Her eyes, her hair. That little crease between her eyebrows, the one I always wanted to smooth out. Thinking about it, made me long to touch her. To feel her lips brush against mine.

This was very foolish, of course. To allow myself to dwell on these things. Because once I started, I couldn't stop. Which meant the darkness would drag me down even further.

Lying on the ground, my arms clutched to my chest, the pain was throbbing.

_That damn hole. _

I couldn't even sit up for long, before the pain would be too much again.

Emmett would find it amusing to know, I'd gotten so weak.

So _human._

Such an ironic price to pay. All I could do was spend ever day in the same dire, less than monotone structure. Fighting these unstoppable human reactions.

Hiding myself here, on this snow bank. Where no one even thought about bothering me.

Why would they? I was nothing more but a bitter man. Certainly not pleasant to be around.

So my family shied away from me. They had all tried to reason with me, to make me feel better.

_Esme_, with all her motherly love, kept trying. Day after day. But it was difficult for she read the sorrow on my face and the worry made her train of thought leap to the origin of my state of mind and I wanted her so badly not to think of that.

_Bella._

So conversations between my mother and I had become quite repetitive.

She'd try to lift me up by talking about the weather, nature or some other trivial thing. But unlike before, that time where Bella wasn't around yet, I couldn't fake interest now. I didn't have the strength to try.

My disinterest would have Esme so worried, her thoughts would immediately wander back to Bella. Occasionally she'd go as far as to wondering what she'd be doing back in Forks. And her name was never from my mother's mind.

That made it harder, for I knew, it affected her too. She had loved the girl like a daughter and I had taken that away from her, though she never blamed me for it. All she did was worry about me.

_Carlisle_ was worried too, but he tried not to push me. To not give me unsolicited advice, knowing there wasn't anything he could say or do to make me feel better.

He was, however, more practical and simply commanded me to hunt, knowing despite the fact I didn't technically need it, he didn't want me to slip either. But he never needed to worry about my restraint. There wouldn't be a human in sight for me to murder in an effort to outsmart my depression. Not here in the Alaskan wilderness. Besides, no human had the power to have that kind of hold on me.

Not the way Bella did.

My brothers and sisters were a different story.

Rosalie and her feeble attempt earlier. She cared the littlest so she gave up easily. If it was up to her, I would just leave. And take my misery with me.

Emmett tried a different approach, for his usual carefree nature was actually gone, now that he understood I was worse off than ever.

He tried his hardest to cheer me up but his way of picking me up meant he slipped sometimes. His most powerful tool - his sense of humor - meant he'd think of her, silently laugh at her clumsiness and then he'd start thinking about what she'd be doing now. Only to fall into a silent spasm of laughter again. At least he could see the funny side of it.

_Bet she's wreaking havoc on Mike Newton with a badminton racket. _

The image of that hurt worse than Bella actually hitting the silly boy.

Then, knowing he had made a mistake, Emmett would try to repair his error by jumping me, or trying to get me to fight him and punish him for taunting me with his thoughts about Bella.

Believing some kind of physical outlet would magically heal me.

"Come on, bro. I am letting you win!" he said a few days ago, while he had me pinned to the ground - not a difficult task, since I'd already been lying there when he found me - and nudged me playfully.

I just lay there, unresponsive. Staring at the nothingness surrounding me.

"Give me something. _Anything_!" he nearly begged as he dropped to the floor next to me.

He stared at the sky for a bit, following my gaze, perhaps hoping to see what I saw. But all he'd see was a brightly lit horizon. Not the emptiness I saw.

Eventually he sat up to look at me. He spoke gently, but firmly.

"I've tried violence and playfulness. I don't do moping and depression, bro. Can't do it, I don't know how. At some point, you are going to have to move. You can't keep on running here for the last of your life. Because that will get old."

I didn't listen. I barely heard him. I didn't expect him to understand.

"Rose and I will be leaving soon. She wants to go to Europe for a while."

Another one of their honeymoons. Lucky them. I almost envied my brother for being paired up with his true love. Even if his true love was Rosalie.

"Anyway, " he continued, "It will take alot of persuasion on my part. I'll have to pull out all the stops, but maybe I can convince Rose to let you come with us."

_Europe. _Paris. London. Rome. Maybe even Venice.

All such romantic places. I grimaced at the thought of being cozied up with the happy couple.

Emmett caught this.

_Look at his face. This was a bad idea. _

"Never mind. Maybe you can come and visit us, or meet up somewhere once you feel better. " he offered.

_Once I feel better_. _That _was surely an illusion.

He never asked me again after that and avoided me as much as Rosalie did, it seemed. Or maybe they were just making preparations for their travelings and no longer had time to deal with me.

_Jasper_ was the most neutral and the only one I could stand to be around a little while longer than the rest of them.

Though I'd rather not speak about her at all, he was the only one who could think and say her name. Maybe because he layered it with the guilt I wanted him to feel. Jasper shared a part of my suffering because he felt responsible for our departure. That, and his soothing nature sometimes eased the pain a little.

He had only apologized once after I'd arrived.

"I am sorry," had been all he said. After that he only thought about apologies but mostly he let me be.

_The worst _was Alice. She felt little sympathy for me and the first week she'd been nothing but plain angry.

Angry about the responsibility Jasper felt; partially blaming himself for my state of mind.

"I know you blame him and it's unfair. He didn't force your hand to make this insane decision. He snapped and he is extremely sorry for that, but don't you dare blame him for the way you feel now!" Alice had spat at me, only hours after I arrived.

That had been her initial reaction. It was strange for she had foreseen my desicion, she knew I was going to leave Forks. She had even warned me beforehand, it wouldn't be a clean break for Bella.

But the anger, which had been subdued when she and Jasper left Forks, had resurfaced once I'd showed up in Denali.

She was justified in feeling this way, of course. After all, I had taken away her best friend. She knew my pain and felt for me, but she also blamed me for ruining her friendship. Not to mention the fact I hadn't even allowed her to say goodbye to Bella.

She warned me - and without reluctance or consideration for the way I felt - that Bella wasn't going to heal. That she was feeling what I felt.

I never responded to these assumptions, because they simply couldn't be true.

Bella was fine and Alice was plain wrong. Bella just needed some time, but she'd heal. Humans forgot easily and she'd move on in time.

_"Edward.."_

I sighed. Another round of checking up on me.

It was Esme again. And so I braced myself for her deep concerns.

She kneeled down and stroked my face, forcing me to open my eyes.

I turned to face her but the words couldn't escape me.

"Look at you," she whispered.

_I've never seen him like this. It's different than before he met Bella. And it is getting worse every day. I hope Alice is wrong and that Bella is doing better. I don't wish this upon anybody._

"Don't, " I whispered weakly, "don't think about her. "

"_Please_," I nearly begged.

"I am sorry," she whispered.

A part of me longed for my mother's wisdom. Something to tell me that everything was going to be alright.

Maybe not today, or not even tomorrow or in a year. But someday. That there'd be something to look forward to again.

_What_ was I thinking?

I'd chosen this ruthless misery. A state of mind, created to keep Bella safe.

I had no right to entertain hopes like that. There was no future for me and her. No future for me at all.

Esme and I sat in silence. She didn't speak and tried to refrain from worrying about my heartache and mostly, think about the object of my misery.

_Bella._

The name was out now and I couldn't shove it back into the corners of oblivion or forgetfulness anymore. It kept flashing at me like that inescapable neon-sign.

"Will you go hunting with me and Carlisle later?" she wondered quietly.

It wasn't the first time she'd put this particular request in the past few weeks. But I'd refused every single time she'd asked.

"No, I'll stay here, " I mumbled, while I used my fingers to draw patterns in the crackling snow.

_Always the same answer. He always wants to be alone._

"Edward. You have only hunted once since you arrived here," Esme pointed out worryingly. Her heart-shaped face was severe.

"You might feel better if you do," she suggested softly, while she took the hand that was drawing figures in the snow.

_Right_. Like shoving down some sort of liquid consolation was going to put me back together and heal me. Esme knew better than that. But, as my mother she still tried. The alternative wasn't in her nature. She'd never stop caring.

"_Please_. Emmett and Jasper will come too. It'll make us all happy."

I knew she felt slightly guilty for springing our family's happiness and peace of mind on me like this, hoping and knowing I wouldn't resist because I didn't want to let them down entirely.

"Alright. I'll go," I gave in absentmindedly. I wasn't very interested in making them feel better, though I didn't want to be a complete failure either. Mostly, I was tired of them bothering me with their own anxiety over my dire mind state. It was a selfish move. Perhaps if I hunted and showed some faux interest they'd leave me alone after that.

"Thank you, dear." she whispered, and she touched my cheek once more.

Esme left me after that, giving me one more worried glance before she bounded into the direction of Tanya's house. In her mind, she had booked a small victory, by getting me to join a hunting expedition. But had she been able to access _my_ mind, she would know, it was simply obligatory and not voluntarily at all.

I waited and after a while, Carlisle emerged.

_It's been too long since he has hunted. Look at his eyes. Onyx._

Perhaps my eyes were simply darkened by the depression, but just in case I was doing right by going hunting. If anything it would hopefully distract me.

"Are you ready to go?" my father asked as he approached.

"Sure," I said.

Carlisle frowned at my short response but decided to ignore it.

"Emmett wants follow the trail through the Nenana River Valley to Mount Healy. he's hoping for some grizzlies," he continued.

I shrugged and then re-adjusted my body-language and nodded.

"Fine" I agreed.

"Lets go then," my father said while he sprinted forward to the spot where the others were waiting.

They were all there - not just Esme, Emmett and Jasper, who I'd expected to be present - at the beginning of our trail. Rosalie gave me one glare and started walking up the path, Emmett following behind her, though not before he gave me a reassuring thumbs-up. Jasper looked at Alice, who was looking me over speculatively and then he went after Rosalie and Emmett.

"What's this?" I wondered in suspicion.

"A family gathering, " Carlisle said.

_"An intervention_, you mean, " I muttered.

Carlisle shook his head and started walking away from me to the spot where Alice and Esme were still waiting. He went to Esme's side and put an arm around her. My parents looked pleading while Alice tapped her foot to the frozen ground impatiently.

A part of me wanted to turn around and head back to my safety spot, my snow bank of solitude. But watching the three of them looking at me, thinking they were breaking through my well build armour of despair, made me suddenly feel very guilty. Which was an interesting change from the pain I couldn't seem to break free from.

I took a deep breath and moved into the direction of my family, hearing the relief in their minds as I reached them.

Carlise patted my shoulder and Esme hugged me. Alice rolled her eyes and stalked forward. She was still unpleased with me.

We followed the trail, occasionally stopping to enjoy the striking beauty of the wilderness. Well, my family did. I simply stood there, ignoring their thoughts, disregarding my surroundings. I tried to focus on the hunt, on my instincts, but even they seemed off.

It wasn't until they all moved into a crouch I realized there was something worth hunting nearby. We were close to a clearing and if I paid enough attention, I could hear a river stream nearby. I realized there wouldn't be any grizzlies here, they'd be hiding out closer to the mountain top.

I was the last to shift into a crouch.

This didn't go entirely unnoticed. But then again, nothing went past my father.

_I cannot allow him to refrain from hunting so long again. He's weaker, he's not paying attention. Look at him now, he knows what I am thinking and he's not even acknowledging it._

I met his stare then and pushed to curl up my lips into a reassuring smile.

But Carlisle didn't buy my attempt to smile.

"Why don't you all move ahead to the Valley. Edward and I will stay here and hunt for some deer." he suggested to the others.

_Hunt for deer?_ Not in my ninety years as a vampire - with the exception being my time of rebellion where I hadn't hunted animals - had I deliberately hunted for deer, because I was _too weak_ to hunt for something bigger, like a mountain lion or a bear. Deer was convenient - especially the last few months because they were closer to Forks, which meant I didn't have to be that far away from Bella. Never had I hunted them because I was incapable of hunting something better.

The worst part was that my father was absolutely right in his assumption that this was the right thing to do now. After all, even at this moment, where I should be furious at the idea I was treated to be weak and pathetic, I was preoccupied with the image of Bella in my head. Her name no longer shielded and her eyes staring at me with a probing intensity. Like she was rebuking me from losing my edge and not taking care of myself. I shook my head to lose the image. But her eyes never stopped boring into my mind.

My family eyed Carlisle with surprise but none of them protested.

Only Alice flitted to Carlisle's side.

"I'll stay too, " she said.

The others disappeared onto the trail again, while Carlisle took the lead, following a path probably leading towards the small clearing.

When we reached the river, there was a herd of eight deer, drinking from a small unfrozen pool at the water's edge.

I was momentarily taken aback by the fact I hadn't smelled them before. And I did smell them now, but it was almost as if the scent wouldn't register. Like my nostrils only reacted to the aroma of a fragrance still lingering on my own skin, still flaming in my throat if I focused long enough. What I wouldn't give to burn like that again.

Carlisle and Alice sunk into a crouch, but I just watched.

It was almost peaceful, the way those animals went about their way. Made up of pairs. The males and females. They had it easy. Their natural habitat, their instincts. All so well programmed and attuned to one another.

I didn't feel any yearning, as I smelled them. I wasn't that thirsty, I realized. Maybe my nature _was_ slipping.

Nonetheless I slipped into a crouch as well and went after Carlisle and Alice, who were approaching the herd without trying to startle them and tip them off.

They moved swiftly and gracefully, much like I usually did. And perhaps I was too lost in my own thoughts to watch my step or maybe my non-existent thirst held me back from my hunter-instincts but what happened next was as unexpected as it was _embarrassing._

A twig on the ground, hidden under a thin blanket of snow - something I'd normally easily move past without making so much as a whispering sound during a hunting trip - softly crackled under my foot.

The heads of the two bucks in the herd snapped up and within seconds the entire group had assessed the danger and made a franctic run for it.

The image of the animals running made both Carlisle and Alice freeze in place.

Then Alice turned around and her eyes were blazing with fury.

"Oh, for God's sake! Could you at least put in some effort when we hunt? Not all of us can go without feeding, you know!" she hissed.

"Alice," Carlisle warned gently, "It's alright. We can still chase them."

Alice snorted. "Who cares. I have lost my appetite anyway."

"Edward, shall we move along? I'll race you for it," my father challenged me with a small smile.

Alice shook her head disapprovingly.

"I bet you don't even know how to hunt anymore. Or how to move without waking up the entire forest," she muttered grimly.

I didn't say a word. What was there to say. It was almost comical how I'd managed to ruin this expedition. Emmett would get a kick out of it.

Alice watched me, that hint of speculation on her face again. Normally, when she'd eye me like that, I'd straight away sift through the images in her thoughts. Look for a vision of something that might engage me or give away her behavior. But my eyes didn't search now. And she noticed this. It angered her.

"Carlisle, I want to talk to Edward alone. Will you please go ahead. We'll either follow soon or meet you back at Tanya's, " she said dryly.

"Alice, " he started, "I think it's best if we..."

She interrupted him "Please. Trust me. I need to speak to Edward."

Carlisle looked her over and then turned to go back to the trail the others were on.

His thoughts were oddly hopeful. Like he had seen something in her eyes to convince him that whatever she was going to do now, would actually help me.

Alice sat down on a rock and looked at me. I stared off into the distance, not interested in meeting her eyes or reading her thoughts.

"Enough is enough!" Alice ordered, abruptly breaking the silence.

"You've been moping around too long!" she added.

I didn't respond. I just stared into the forest. Seeing no shapes, no colors.

"Oh, is this how you want to play it. You'll ignore me?" she scoffed.

"That won't work, you know," she said with confidence.

I tried to proof her wrong by tuning out her ranting and looked at the ground. My eyes followed the traces of our footsteps. The pattern didn't engage me. After a few seconds, it was nothing but a brown-white mushy blur of melting snow mixed with mud.

"You know, I really don't want to do this. But you leave me no choice," she said, and she rose.

_I know about the photos. I found them in our car..._

In any other case I would have been prepared. I would have seen in her mind, what she was hinting at and what she was about to do. But now, it seemed every part of me was broken. My instincts were shaky and so I couldn't hunt. My ability was faltering because I didn't care enough to read anyone's thoughts.

Alice braced herself and then bounded off the floor. She landed precisely in front of me.

And although she was quite a few inches smaller than me, she grabbed my shoulders with her iron grip. Forcing me to look at her.

"Look at me, Edward. See what I see. You know you want to," she challenged me softly.

_Otherwise you wouldn't have taken the photos Bella was supposed to send to Renée in the first place._

The moment our gazed locked in, I saw what she wanted to show me.

I couldn't ignore the image, not even if I wanted to. This wasn't about the photos I had collected from the ones Bella had meant to send to her mother, this was about so much more. And Alice was about to cross a line I could not allow her to, but I was drawn to what she showed me, drawn in _by_ it that for a moment, there was nothing but the glorious vision Alice showed me.

A beautiful mirage - detailed to the extreme in Alice's mind - was so perfect, I wanted to drown in it, like on that very first night. This was so much better than a couple of photos.

The heart shaped face with the chocolate eyes and full red lips. Her ivory skin. Mahogany hair fawned out on a crisp white pillow. Tattered sweat pants and a cotton shirt. Bed covers tangled around her legs.

Her lips trembling, murmuring soft coaxing words.

_Edward, stay. Please don't go...  
_

I staggered back and slumped to the floor. The shock of hearing her voice so clearly in my head was too much.

"Why?" I whispered in pain.

"Why would you show me that?", I choked. The pain was slamming into me like that battering ram. Albeit a different kind of battering ram.

"Because it is the only way to get your attention," Alice stated matter - of - factly.

"I am sorry, but it was the only way, " she mumbled.

Her thoughts were remorseful but oddly triumphant. She took a deep breath and sat down next to me.

"You need to know you're wrong. You think you're doing the right thing, but you're not."

_This again_. I was so tired of it. Alice didn't know what she was talking about because she had never felt it.

She didn't see the chocolate eyes in her mind, always watching like a tragic but beautiful angel.

Alice didn't long for death. To end this poor excuse of a so called life and find some kind of relief from the torment.

She felt something inside. Excitement when a new day arrived. Worry _about_ Jasper though he was doing better here in Denali. She had her perfect match, her true love by her side, every single day of forever.

"Leave me alone, Alice," I begged, the pain seeping through my plea.

"This is getting old. I know you're in pain, I do. But you need to snap out of it! You can't go on like this forever."

Like I could snap out of it. If only it were that simple. If only I had an on and off switch to fight the pain. But I didn't.

"Just go," I pleaded again.

"Not until you listen. I told you before Bella wouldn't take this well. _And you know her._ You know she won't be alright just because you believed it was the right thing to leave. "

I was horrified by the possibility Bella was as miserable as me. If she was feeling half as bad, than she wouldn't be happy at all.

And the idea of Bella suffering was worse than thinking of her name. Her eyes. Her love. The memories burned but the possibility that she wasn't better off right now, disgusted me and pained me more than all those reminders combined.

"You're wrong," I whispered, "she promised. She'll keep herself safe. She'll be fine!"

The words sounded hollow and clearly they weren't impressing my sister one bit.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Whatever you say. Just know that she won't be fine. You made the entire future uncertain again. "

"You promised not to look for that!" I reminded her. I tried to sound menacing, but I barely managed to sound angry.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Like you don't want to know."

I didn't _need_ to know. My future would be the same today, tomorrow and the rest of eternity and I knew I'd never move forward. There would never be a change for me again, so basically it wasn't a future at all. I left my chance at a real future back in Forks.

My ultimate sacrifice so Bella could have a future. Surely Alice knew that much.

But still, what did she mean by that last comment. _What had I made uncertain? _It couldn't be Bella's future, because I had in fact secured that by leaving. I didn't understand. And did I in fact want to know, if Alice saw something - good or bad - happen to Bella, based on what she'd decide?

The answer was an undeniable _yes_. At any price, any kind of pain it would cost me, I had to know that Bella would have a good life. But also, should she ever be in trouble, I'd be there to save her or protect her from it. Even if it wasn't my place anymore.

I wanted to ask for clarification on Alice's comment about the uncertainty of Bella's future, but before I had the chance, something flashed in Alice's mind.

_Another vision _I couldn't hide from.

It was a familiar one. The colors, the shapes.

I'd seen this before.

Though it was more vague now.

Unclear, but still familiar.

I recognized the white shapes.

_Arms._

_White stone_ arms.

Wrapped around each other.

Alice and Bella.

As friends.

This threw me for a brief second but then I realized this probably meant that at some point in the future Alice would decide to go back to Forks to reconnect with Bella.

I should have prematurely berated her for this and warn her not to ever go there. But I was so shocked at how the pain briefly subsided - now that the mystery accompanying this knowledge consumed me - that it was leaving me entirely speechless. I didn't quite understand what would possess Alice to return to Forks and mess with Bella's life again.

But then...

_White stone arms?_

_Bella __with these white stone arms?_

That surely couldn't be possible.

Because that future was out of the question, regardless. I'd never choose it and it was never going to happen. Not ever.

So how come Alice still saw it then?

"Alice, what does this mean?" I gasped.

For a moment I was anxious to find out. I felt some sort of life flicker inside me and for the first time since I had left her, I didn't feel the ripping pain.

It was still there, a deep dark hole couldn't heal that easily, but I didn't feel the sting, because I was too consumed with the images in Alice's head.

For the shortest moment I was engrossed by the things I saw. The darkness lifted and a small hint of light shined upon me. Offering me the solace I needed and longed for.

A moment of peace until my mind would regain control and dim the light again.

_And with that my only hope._

I refocused on Alice and as the images filled her mind and transferred themselves to mine, I watched Alice's face form into a smile. Or maybe it was a grimace. I didn't look long enough to check.

I was completely sucked in by a new image in her mind.

Also vague and unclear, like a future unsure and unlikely to happen.

_But not impossible_.

White stone arms, sparkling in a light bounding off some dark place. A stone wall perhaps, though it was difficult to see.

Those white stone arms were mine and they were not empty.

They were wrapped around the beautiful angel, the siren. The one who would heal everything.

Maybe I would die soon.

Was that what Alice was showing me?

My own death, my release?

Was such a thing even possible?

It was idle to wish and hope for this but all the pain would be worth it if this would be my reward.

My solace.

For a second I could only drown in the prospect of my life ending. The pain retreating.

But was that what I wanted?

Death?

It would free me from the pain of loss. But it would also secure the fact I'd never see Bella again.

And although this was certainly what I had promised her - a promise I intended to keep - playing into the hands of this imminent fact, was taking it too far.

As long as Bella was out there somewhere, the world still turned. There was still meaning.

Perhaps not designed for me, but there was still purpose in existing.

Bella existed and so I couldn't die. Not just because it kept alive the miniscule chance of a reunion - a chance I'd never take consciously - but also it was my reminder. She was alive and well, with a new chance to build on a solid future filled with happiness.

And nothing else mattered but that the world consisted of Bella and that she was happy.

This was good,_ right. _It didn't fill up the hole in my chest, nor did it erase the pain but it was strangely relieving.

Until Alice ruined it.

_Nothing has changed, Edward. Blurry future or not. You may be undecided now, but you won't be forever. And mark my words when I say you and Bella are far from done. It's just a matter of time. I can't see anything too clear so I could be wrong. But knowing you, you'll eventually prove me right..._

She flashed me an insightful smile and then walked away.

I shook my head to shake the images, the afterglow of hope they had left behind.

_Bella and I were far from done._

If this was the case, then at some point I'd grow weak again and go back to Forks.

My first reaction was one of hope. Idle, irrational hope. More powerful than the resolve to leave Bella alone.

After all, who would not want a chance to go home? A chance to find my heart again and fill the hollowness in my chest.

But my hope was soon squashed with justified intent. And to illustrate this, the battering ram slammed into me once more, knocking the breath out of me.

_What was I thinking?_ I couldn't allow that to happen. I could never go home.

It was like an awful deja-vu. Like I had to decide all over again. But with more convinction this time, so I wouldn't be fooled by the misplaced visions which tried to lure me back to my love.

The emotion behind it, was biting. Of course I was never going back to Forks. Alice was wrong and almost cruel for even suggesting it. And I was stupid for allowing myself to even long for the opportunity.

I was here now, niles away from Forks and Bella was safe.

I couldn't ever return to end up in her future again.

To ruin her life again.

Whatever hope I had clinged onto for a minute, faded.

I was a fool. I didn't deserve this. Not the hope of going home.

Not even the peace of dying.

This eternal agony was my punishment and I needed to exist with it forever.

Because it was the only guarantee, Bella would remain safe.

And so I ran, like I had done the night I left her.

I ran and ran, until I reached my spot of solitude, the snow bank far from Tanya's house.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deep.

The pain rippled heavily as I saw her deep eyes, her mesmerizing smile.

A hint of the wind teased me with her name, though I knew it was imaginary.

I breathed in deeper and could taste the familiar - and very much welcomed - burn that accompanied her fragrance on my tongue.

She was so close now, I could even hear her heartbeat echoing in my ears.

I kept my eyes closed, as I focused on her alabaster face in my mind.

Those full red lips, slightly parted.

Whispering.

_Edward, I love you._

I smiled slightly.

_I love you, too. Always.  
_

For a small second,_ I was home_ and the hollow in my chest was filled up with Bella's love.

Lost in her words, in this new mirage, I didn't hear the thoughts approaching.

"Edward, are you day dreaming again?" a voice rebuked me gently.

I opened my eyes at the sound of this voice. The ring of it was not unpleasant, it was just unsignificant to me.

"Tanya," I said in acknowledgement.

"What are you thinking about?" she wondered curiously.

"_Home_," I murmured and then I closed my eyes again.

But the mirage was gone. Everything was black again.

It was alright, though. Because the darkness was my reminder.

_My warning._

And so I plunged deeper into the depression.

Forever a captive in that black hole without a bottom.

So that Bella would be safe.

_Happy._

For the rest of her human life.

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**It's been a while I updated, but here it is, finally!**

**Let me start by thanking everyone for their support and reviews. (R&R!) Thanks to everyone whose offered help as a Beta or otherwise. Feel free to let me know your input, I always greatly appreciate it. A special thank you to Penny, my unofficial but amazing Beta for catching all the grammatical errors I missed!  
**

**About this chapter. Edward is completely miserable (duh) and when he and Bella reunite he tells her he was completely useless and let the misery have him etc. But, the last part of this chapter shows him almost paralleled to the same chapter in NM, where Bella hears him as her hallucination. After that, she - sort of - starts living again. The pain is not less, but there's some point of reason again.**

**With Edward, there is no point of reason, but I need him just a tad less depressed and a bit more focused for future chapters where he starts his tracking expedition for Victoria.**

**And no worries, I needed this chapter to start things. I am paying very close detail to what's been told about Edward + the Cullen's time away and I will do my absolute best not to overlook anything. **

**And if I do write something which might not seem entirely in tune on the surface, I'll always explain my reasoning behind it.**

**I'll be away for a while, so I can't update again for a few weeks.**

**PS. The lyrics at the beginning are from Snow Patrol's "Set the Fire to the Third Bar" (feat. Martha Wainwright) from their album "Eyes Open". I thought it was fitting.**

**I wish you all a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!**


	7. AUTHOR NOTE AGAIN

**AUTHOR NOTE**

First off, my sincere apologies for the delay in updating the story. I haven't forgotten about it and I am working on a new chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon (sometimes life gets in the way, right....)

I want to clarify something about the previous chapter "Waking Up", because I think something might not be clear.

When Alice shows Edward Bella: asleep in tattered sleepwear, twisted covers etc, it's clearly a memory. A memory to shock him out of his depression. The usage of the "Bella as a vampire" vision serves the same purpose as does the "nothing has changed" line, where Alice clarifies that the future where Bella becomes a vampire hasn't dissolved. It doesn't mean she's a hundred percent certain it'll happen, but rather that she doesn't believe for sure it _won't _happen. Hence the "Edward, you and Bella are far from done.." - line.

When she shows him the blurry Italy scene (Edward and Bella, sunshine, stone wall) (neither of them know it is Volterra at this point) it's a vision.

Now I know, people will say: how can Alice have this vision now, when it's not the time to travel there yet, so she cannot have the vision at this point.

Two points: one) In NM Alice tells Bella she is not allowed to look for her future but "she cannot help what she sees" in reference to the cliff jumping, but I am sure she sees other things as well.

two) In Midnight Sun Alice has a vision of the meadow with Edward and some 'figure' (Bella) there, way before he actually decides to take Bella there. She even tells Edward "she can't see clearly and doesn't know what the vision means" (Do not confuse this with the vision she has of the meadow later on when Edward has already decided to take Bella there)

So, at this point in the story, where it's a few weeks after leaving Forks Alice is seeing something we will learn to be Volterra but neither of them pay further attention to what it means. Edward simply believes he'll die soon. Which doesn't mean he suddenly believes in 'heaven' but merely that death would mean he could 'hallucinate' about a reunion with Bella some more before he goes. It's flawed logic but Edward is in a bad state, so it makes sense to me.

I'll gladly debate this some more, but for now, this is my explanation behind it. Also, for those who are interested: I have rewritten and updated the bit with Alice, Edward and her vision in the chapter.

It is difficult because I don't have a lot to go on. This means it's a lot of interpretation. And by all means, feel free to tell me if something doesn't match with NM or the timeline.

For now I wish every one a wonderful weekend. I promise to update soon!

- Bronze.


	8. Preview to Chapter 5: Cheater

**Just a quick message to let everyone know, I haven't forgotten about this story. Life is just far too busy at the moment thus updating takes more time.**

**I am nearly ready to put a new chapter up (just need a final review with the help from my Beta, Penny who is amazing and always brave enough to read and sift my long long chapters Imagine all the correcting she has to do ;)**

**Anyway, to hold you over just a little while longer...a small preview.**

**----------------------------------------------------------------**

_He is smiling. Edward is actually smiling...genuinly._

"What are you doing?" he asked with strong fascination burning in his voice.

His voice alerted me and I snapped out of it immediately. I opened my eyes and shrugged apologetically.

"It's nothing.." I mumbled.

_Liar,_ someone commented from behind me.

I rolled my eyes and called this person out.

"Alice.." I concluded wryly.

Carlisle turned to look and see how Alice jumped down from the branches of the larch behind us.

"Have you been eavesdropping?" Carlisle rebuked her gently.

She ignored his question and kept her eyes on me. I didn't look at her but from my peripheral vision I saw that there was a hint of speculation in them. And she shielded her thoughts from me again by reciting an unfamiliar rap song. She was here with a purpose.

"We're leaving soon. " Alice announced as she came to our side. "After the party"

She ignored me and turned to Carlisle. "Esme needs some help with the books you want to take with you. She asked for me to call you" she stated.

"So I wasn't eavesdropping. I was on a mission" she winked.

She sure was, just _not a mission of being the messenger_. I was already dreading the direction in which this was heading.

Carlisle nodded and smiled at Alice before he turned his attention back to me.

"Think about it." he gently ordered me.

He took a fluent leap and landed on the branch Alice had been hiding. It wasn't before long that his thoughts faded as he darted through the thinning woods to make his way back to Tanya's house.

Alice stood across from me, still eyeing me speculatively. This was such a deja-vu. Had we not been here before? Last time she had tried to force me out of my misery by showing me visions of Bella. And as a result I now saw them all the time. Granted, I wanted to see them, in spite of the further damage they inflicted on me. I wondered what her modus operandi would be this time.

"You're not going to me with us, are you?" she said.

There was no vision flashing in her mind. She didn't need to look for my future. There was no point.

Because there was no future.

"I can't see what you'll do or where you'll go instead," she clarified her statement, "Just that you won't be with us"

No future. _Just endlessness._

I didn't speak and looked at the floor. I wanted to close my eyes and call out the mirage. The voice. The amazing beauty. The pain was more appealing than another one of Alice's lectures.

I didn't want to have this discussion with my sister. If Carlisle couldn't convince me with logic than Alice was certainly not going to with pleading or manipulation. I was not going to fall for that again.

"Ithaca won't be so bad. " she said.

And she was right. It wouldn't be bad.

It would be_ the same_.

The same as any other place where Bella would not be.

_Hollow. _

_---------------------------------------------------------_

**The rest is coming soon, promised! **

**Happy weekend :)**


	9. Cheater

**CHAPTER 5: CHEATER**

The icy wind whirled around me like a soft hymn playing in my ears. The strong current of air was freezing but it felt hot against my skin. Like a burning flame, it was warming me instead of cooling my already cold body further to properly match the Alaskan below zero temperature.

I couldn't feel the snow crisping below me as I sat there in the dark. Naturally a part of my instincts had registered the herd of caribous nearby - I could smell them, hear their heartbeats racing. And had I been focused I would have caught the rushing of blood through their veins as well. But I was too captivated by the enigma playing out in front of me to start moving and chase down the herd. I was completely fixated on something far more appealing.

And _inviting._ The warmth was like a hint of silk caressing me lovingly.

I sighed, bemused as I was.

The power of her scorching touch never seized to amaze me. Her lips formed a smile as she softly whispered my name in her request.

_Edward...stay..._

I could not help but to smile at her plea. _Yes_, I wanted to answer. _Yes, I'll stay. Always_. But before I could do anything, my name was called again.

_"Edward!"_

I frowned, but kept my eyes closed. This was not the same voice. Not the voice I wanted to hear. I concentrated hard to focus on the full red slightly parted lips and hoped they'd ignore the voice that was calling for my attention, and would continue to whisper more sweet words to me.

_Look at that. He is smiling...must be something nice he is thinking about. I wonder what it is..._

The beautiful image evaporated the instant my mind processed the voice that interrupted the moment - the voice which, I supposed, was very alluring, had I been objective in judging it, but I found it to pale in comparison to the voice matching the mesmerizing projection. It seemed too eager, too demanding. Not at all like the voice belonging to the mirage, the softness of it so very welcoming.

But the image was gone now, chased away by the new voice, leaving no silhouette behind. It was almost as if it felt guilty for hiding in this forbidden corner of my mind, knowing it was wrong to expose itself to me whenever I asked for it.

I opened my eyes and stared into a pair similar to my own. And then there was the dancing strawberry blonde hair. A glowing ice-colorod skin. Such a contrast of silver and black in the darkened palet of a cool Denali night. It was a definite beauty, no one could argue with that but compared to the beauty hiding in my mind, it seemed almost plain.

I sighed again and blinked once. Allowing the power of the vision to eb away and focus on the person sitting next to me.

_Tanya_. She looked expectant, as always. Hoping that the smile she had seen indicated that I was finally over my depression and ready to move on.

More specifically she was hoping I'd move on to _her._

It wasn't the first she had stalked me like this since my family and I had arrived here. She would in fact make a daily point to join me and try to make me feel better. And she always left in frustration, knowing she had failed in her mission.

I was certain she had heard most of the details on what had taken place in Forks, though through the way she had construed the facts, Tanya seemed somewhat misinformed. Her mind gave away that much. Of course most of her information had come from Rosalie and she was extremely subjective when it came to anything concerning Bella.

"What was that just now? You looked happy," she accused, sounding very reproaching.

_I don't understand why. He has been miserable for many weeks and now he is suddenly smiling. Perhaps he is over it. I sure hope so, _she thought.

The internal voice sounded less confident, puzzled even. Which made sense because I hadn't smiled in so long.

It was understandable that she questioned the reason behind my smile. But she was wrong to hope for an improvement in my state of mind.

I was still miserable. And unfortunately for Tanya, her hope was idle. Because I wasn't _over it. _Not by a long shot.

The reason I'd been smiling was a less sensible one. It had nothing to do with recuperating. If anything, in the end it would only make me worse.

But for a single moment, Tanya had been right. I had been smiling. I dared even admit I'd found a single heart beat's worth of peace in that moment.

But the smile hadn't been conducted from some naturally found form of happiness or contentness, and it hadn't been more than a short second.

It was based on a fabrication of my own imagination.

An imagination I had fed, because I was _cheating._

On purpose. And surprisingly it was less difficult than I had believed to be beforehand. Of course, had I been in my right mind, I would have never even considered it. But I was too far gone to think logically. To stop myself and be rational.

Such a change from a few weeks ago when the idea of cheating like this wouldn't have dared cross my mind. Or rather I wouldn't have allowed it to cross my mind.

Allowed her to cross my mind. It would have been too painful to handle.

And now I couldn't stop. Like a junkie needing his heroin fix, I spend most of my time with my eyes closed. Hoping to keep the image of her captive inside my thoughts.

My willpower shredded into the tiniest parts, it had slowly been torn into pieces by the pain and I wasn't able to reign myself in to stop and think what I was doing.

How I was abandoning my selfmade rules. How I gladly took the pain, for a moment of faux happiness. And it wasn't even happiness to begin with. Because I had known happiness. This wasn't even a weak echo to the bliss I had known. How easily pleased I was now with the miniscule moments where I allowed myself to be lost at the sight of this beautiful figment.

I should have, of course stopped myself from these things getting out of hand. I should be stronger and fight the urge to cheat. But I could not quite help it.

Plus, it wasn't _all_ my fault.

I almost relished in the fact that Alice - my meddlesome tiny sister - had partially caused this. It was the perfect excuse to defend my actions. After all, she was the one who had re- lightened this flame. The flame that had burned away my willpower. And no one could expect me to be strong enough to fight back in my weakened state.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have dared to blame her for my own deeds. It wouldn't have been fair. But I needed the excuse to justify my actions.

So I refused to see how I had allowed my willpower to crumble and pretended that it has been Alice to force me into this new state of mind with hr persuasive visions and memories. Of course I gladly used this opening she had given me to pull me out of my reverie.

And now as a result, I was a _cheater._

Every day was filled with the ironic divide between the desire to cheat and the fight to remain in place and not go back to Forks to claim what had never been rightfully mine. Both equally tough in their execution.

The first had been the result of Alice's little trick to alert me, in hopes to pull me out of my down spiralling solitude.

It had worked on the outside but only marginally. I tried to be better, be more forthcoming to my family and our welcoming hosts. But I failed terribly at acting like I even cared the littlest bit about what was going on around me and I was aware my family knew there was no change in my behaviour. But that was just the exterior. None of them had a clue about what was brewing inside me when I was alone.

And I wouldn't have them know, so I remained far from Tanya's house on the snow bank I had claimed as my own since my almost permanent presence there had marked it as mine.

I could sit there for hours without moving. And hiding in my own secluded spot made the cheating that much easier. All I had to do was close my eyes. Of course it wasn't without its consequences. In the beginning it had taken some strength to be a masochist and allow the ripping pain in my chest to course through me. I wanted to shy way from it at first and fought hard against it because the pain was unbearable, but then the reward - her beautiful face - made up for alot, inspite of the fact I had to let the pain grow to insufferable proportions before the images would start to flash.

And once that happened everything around me fell away. I'd be too caught up in the moment to stop myself.

So I spend hours lingering in the snow, starstruck and in awe by the memories. The images.

Her beautiful smile. Her lips whispering to me. Pleading with me to stay.

In the faint stir of the glacial winds I could always hear her voice beckoning me.

A perfect example of how I had permitted my imagination to get out of hand.

Clearly I was losing my mind and something surely had snapped inside me.

Sometimes I didn't care how much it hurt. I could bear the pain f it meant I could keep the images safe inside my head. If I could see her without breaking my promise of interfering with her life. Without losing the memories.

The suffering was worth it, even though it was never more than a few moments before her face would fade from my mind like a mirage disappearing in the heat of a desert.

Once they were gone, I'd start all over again. The pain would erupt from the hollow, worse than before and I'd plunge into it deep to make the images reappear.

It was the aftermath that hurt the most. And it got worse with every time I cheated. Tearing the hole in my chest even further, giving the hollowness and the pain free play inside me.

But I'd found that the aching was an acceptable price to pay. If anything the pain was a constant reminder of why I was here in the first place.

It was supposed to be this way, because with every stab of pain, every tugging at my heart it reminded me of why I was feeling this.

Bella's safety. It was all about her safety.

As long as I was aching, she was _safe_.

The pain was my warning. And also my reason to exist. As long as she was out there somewhere than the universe was in order. My midnight sun might never shine again for me, but it did not mean the sky was without points of reason completely. Sure, my own horizon was empty and black but in the grander scheme of things Bella was alive and safe and for that I had to be grateful. The world in its totality made sense because she was in it. Even if my own world had stopped turning and my existence was utterly pointless apart from the fact it served as proof that she was safe.

So everything was in the right order, the way it was supposed to be. My torment made sense. And no one would care if I cheated when I was here all by myself. I didn't hurt anyone but myself anyway. And I honoured the most important rule: the one where I stayed out of Bella's life. So even if I forced my mind into madness by conjuring her up, it didn't mean I was breaking my promise to her. She was safe and hopefully happy, because I was no longer a part of her life.

I convinced myself of this every moment I spend out here. To justify my own insanity.

What I often didn't take into account, was how after every time my mind placed her in my thoughts - like a beautiful and desirable angel comforting me and drying my stone tears, soothing the torture with her warmth - I longed for her even more.

The pain was one thing, but the yearning was another. It was long past what the monster had felt. It was acute need looking for fulfillment. The hollow acting up. Longing to be filled up with a heart. Because mine had been buried somewhere out there. Perhaps under Bella's floorboards with the rest of the reminders of our love.

That's were the fighting came in. With what little common sense I had left, the part of me that had registered that Bella's safety was the most important thing and my presence surely wasn't necessary in maintaining that, I fought against the hunger, this new hunger that existed in every fiber of my body. For the time being I was still strong enough and I hadn't moved an inch closer back to the place I had left many weeks before. And the cheating was also part of it. As long as the memories still dimmed the hunger, I could remain here or anywhere else. Anywhere but in her arms.

But I wasn't quite certain how long that would be enough. I remembered the photos I had confiscated from the ones Bella had meant to send to Renée, they lay somewhere hidden away in the glove department and I hadn't looked at the ones since I had stolen them. I knew that if I did, if I allowed my mind to register them, the little strength I had left to stay far away from Bella would crumble completely.

"Edward..." Tanya interrupted, sounding impatient now. I had all but forgotten about her as I tried to organize my thoughts and actions.

I scanned her thoughts briefly to see what I had missed. Apparently she was thinking of ways to cheer me up.

Most of which asked for a display if her very special talent as a succubus.

Normally this would have made me uncomfortable. It always did. That, and I'd also find it a tad amusing, knowing Tanya took that particular part of herself very serious. It was easy to tease her with it. She never minded, she was just bothered by the fact her talent had never worked its magic on me.

Now, I was just irritated. She had interrupted my time alone. My time with Bella.

I knew Tanya meant well, but she was fervently hoping that I - being in the weakened, depressed state I was - would cave in and finally answer her lust for me.

Because that was all there was for Tanya.

She did not ask for a deeper connection, it was all about sexual gratification.

Her mindset made that very apparent.

_I bet I could make him smile again, especially if he is finally letting go of whatever happened to him in that dreadful little town._

Her thoughts became confident now, she felt she had a point to argue. It was very irritating.

_I have never failed at that. I can make any man happy. If only Edward would let go a little bit and open up. One night with me and he'll forget about all his troubles._

I wished to silence her thoughts. I didn't expect her to understand.

And I had no lust to listen to the things she was imagining.

"Tanya, I....I want to be alone..." I muttered. I tried to sound stern but it sounded like a muffled cry, weak and unconvincing.

And naturally she took it the wrong way.

_It's obvious he needs me._

I didn't. Not even close. The one I needed was more than thirteen hundred miles away from me. And she would never be mine again.

She smiled at me and shook her head at my request for her departure.

"You always want to be alone these days. But you never answered me. You were smiling just now when I found you here, What was so amusing?" she wondered curiously.

"I wasn't smiling" I lied unconvincingly. I wasn't about to explain my cheating to Tanya. That too would be misconstrued by her.

_He must have been thinking about that girl_, she figured.

"I tried to understand, Edward. Rosalie explained it to me. But I fail to understand how a human could make such an impression. It's so...unnatural. "

_Whatever happened in Forks really did a number on him. He's never acted this distant before_, she concluded sourly.

"Don't go there" I warned her halfheartedly. But she _did_ go there. Her thoughts were unstoppable.

_It's very absurd. He's been around humans for far too long. He cannot see reality anymore_, she continued.

Well, she wasn't far off. I didn't see any point in reality. The only thing I needed to remember was my pain, my absence in Bella's life. Her safety and happiness. That was one part of my reality. The other was the surreal world I had created in my head. Where bearing the cutting knife of the torture of her absence was awarded with the liveliest of memories of her skin, her lips. Her beauty and her smile. Everything about her.

I sighed. I longed to see the projection again and wished Tanya would go away so I could conjure up the angel in my head.

"Tanya, please just...leave me for a bit."

_No way._

I realized I had to be more convincing. More forthcoming.

"I promise to join everyone later" I pleaded with a weak smile.

Tanya didn't buy it.

She rolled her eyes and sighed. "You always promise that. But every day is the same. You keep to yourself. I haven't seen alot of you and you have been here for weeks.."

I shrugged apologetically and looked away. "I am sorry for being a terrible guest. My mind has been elsewhere, I suppose" I murmured.

Tanya nodded and when I finally met her gaze, I saw her expression changing. From eager and expectant to hard. _Blunt_. She realized there was an opening in my demeanor, a way in to try and talk some sense into me. That or simply vent her opinion.

"I have to tell you Edward, your behaviour has been outward strange. Truly, I just don't understand the appeal."

I didn't like where she was going with this. I didn't want to hear what she had to say anymore. But her thoughts gave away that she'd been holding on to this for quite some time.

"I mean, I understand humans are fascinating to an extent, no one understand that better than I do. They're warm and attractive and not just for their blood. But we are talking about insignificant human teenage girl here. " she said in honest astounishment.

_Why would he be attracted to that. Other than for her blood._

These words were the wrong ones - because there was a small truth in them and that hurt - and Tanya was rapidly pounding through the protective wall I had build around me. I didn't not want to talk about this and I wasn't ready to hear anyone share their opinion on it. I knew Tanya just wanted to put things in perspective. She wanted to show me that I was overreacting but the words sparked something in me entirely opposite to what she was probably trying to achieve.

Something almost as powerful as the emotions Alice had provoked out of me weeks earlier when she had showed me the visions of Bella. The images that had got me cheating in the first place. The actions that caused as much pain as they could. Before that, I had fought so hard against remebering. Now it was the only thing I had left. All thanks to Alice.

"Tanya, shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about" I snapped.

She held her hands up and snarled at me in defence. Clearly she did not appreciate my outburst.

"Easy there, Edward. No need to take that tone with me. I just meant to point out that life goes on. I am sure this Bella has moved on. Humans are good at finding new occupations rather quickly. Some of the men I had, never come around anymore. I don't wonder why, I do no get insecure. I simply look for new men. Replacements. It's much simpler than to pine after one person. " she explained as she pursed her lips into a seductive smile, as if to underline her point.

_He should look for a replacement. I would be more than happy to be one._

The anger faded and the pain of the idea of replacing Bella pulsed through my dead veins. I woud have thrown up if such a thing were not impossible. Instead I shook my head in disgust.

_Replacement._

Right. Like it was that simple.

Like all I had to do was replace her. She who was irreplaceable.

That was just impossible.

To be fair, in a way I admired Tanya and the life she had created for herself. It was free of emotion, and it didn't seem to bore her. But I was too upset with her dismissive tone to be generous about it.

"Why don't you go and look for replacements right now" I muttered.

She flashed me her teeth and shook her head. Her lips formed into a warm smile and she spoke softly.

"I apologize for saying anything bad. I don't know the girl but I am sure she was very _appealing." _she said, winking when speaking that last word.

I let slip a growl past my lips but Tanya rolled her eyes at that.

"Please, don't even try that with me. " she warned.

"We're having a little get together tonight, because your family is leaving soon. It's a party, I suppose. I think it would be highly appreciated if you joined" she said bitingly.

A party. _The joy_. I'd rather hurl myself off a cliff.

"I'll pass.." I whispered.

"Suit yourself. But one of these days someone is going to have enough. Your family will get tired of your behaviour. Maybe they'll kick you out!" she teased and then she flitted away.

I dropped myself to the floor and spend a brief yet pivotal moment thinking about Tanya's words. She was right. I had treated my family very badly.

My behaviour worried Carlisle and Esme. Jasper stayed away from me because he felt responsible for that same behaviour, like he had personally caused the entire situation, which was not true. His reaction at Bella's birthday party had only been the final straw to a series of events that had threatened her from the moment we met. I could hardly blame Jasper for my own stupidities, but he kept out of my way just the same. Which was fine by me. The less I had to deal with my family, the better. As much for their sake as it was for mine.

The only one who treated me without empathy was Alice. Her stance towards me had changed over the course of the time we were here. She put in less and less effort to deal with my moods. She was _over it_, according to her own thoughts.

It was a good thing Rosalie and Emmett left Denali to go on one of their many honeymoons. At least their absence wasn't my fault entirely. They were currently sight seeing in Europe. They'd started in Paris, where they had stayed for two weeks. But Emmett, short- attention - spanned as he was, got bored quickly and so they had moved on to Rome.

Or so I vaguely recalled from the travel-updates Alice had given me early on. She had stopped informing me after she realized I would respond very little to her stories. I had barely paid any attention to both Alice's stories as well as her moods about my unresponsiveness. I was just relieved I had not taken Emmett up on his offer to travel with him and Rosalie. It would have been disastrous if I had in fact joined them and the idea of being in a small radius of the happy couple nauseated me.

Even now, with them traveling another continent, I could imagine their love, their happiness.

Of course I was envious. They could actually take these trips.

I could only dream of this. Romantic trips to Europe.

I'd have to take these trips alone, if I ever wanted to, _which I didn't._

Never would Bella be with me to enjoy the adventure.

And if she would travel, she'd do so with someone else.

I thought about the time that had passed since I had left her. I knew how it had gone for me but I wondered if Tanya was right about how humans found other occupations quickly. Wasn't that the same thing I had told Bella in the woods. That she would forget soon enough. And had she? Had Bella already moved on? There was no certain way of knowing this. I could easily ask Alice to look for Bella's future but that was forbidden territory. For both of us.

So all I could do was imagine, that by now, more than two months after I had left Forks, she was probably well underway to moving on, like Tanya had predicted. It was almost Christmas and I wondered if she would head to Florida to spend it with her mother and Phil. Or perhaps she would stay with Charlie and spend it with him.

And the Blacks.

The moment the thought entered my mind I rebuked myself.

It didn't matter. If this was in fact true, this was a good thing.

The Blacks hated me and my family but their intentions with Bella and Charlie had always been correct and if anything, Jacob was Bella's friend and surely he'd support her and make her smile. He seemed to be that kind of guy.

So no matter who Bella spend her time with, as long as she was happy than everything would be fine.

Besides it was not my place to judge these things or to even think about them.

I closed my eyes and tried to provoke the pain. But for some reason it didn't come out. Well no worse than it already ached. And no images dared to shown themselves in my thoughts right now.

I sighed and opened my eyes again, upset with being unable to let the image materialize again. I sprang to my feet and decided to go for a run. Perhaps it would help if I found a prey to force feed myself with.

I did this to keep Carlisle happy. He was very concerned I didn't satuate my thirst enough and often reminded me to go hunt.

But wasn't necessary to hunt. Most of the time I did not even want to.

And it wasn't like I would starve. I wasn't actually going to be _that_ fortunate.

The snow was light under my feet and the wind blew in my face. It was glacial now without a hint of the heat I had felt earlier.

I could have ran for many miles, had it not been for a distraction I picked up on when I was only a few miles on my way. It wasn't a nearby prey I came across.

It were the thoughts of two people. Two wise people.

Carlisle and Esme_. My loving parents._

I came to a halt behind a tall larch with a thick trunk which was quite alone in its existence at this altitude. It was so absurd to stand here and hide. Certainly they would pick up on me standing here soon enough. I backed down the direction I came from a little, still being able to hear what they were saying.

And _thinking._

Listening to Carlisle and Esme talk made the hole in my chest burn and ache. They had so much wisdom, so much compassion.

There was so much love between them and they would never have to doubt it or leave one another to secure the other one's safety. Sure, they had paid a very high price by giving up their lives but it was not like either of them had ever had a choice in the matter. And in the end they had actually gained more than they had lost. Their love was strong enough to weather any storm.

As I heard them, I came to a halt on the snow-filled path and turned around. The larch blocked me from the vision, but it wouldn't take long for them to find me out.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop but it was inevitable just the same.

Not only could I hear them audibly, but also internally. I couldn't escape them even if I wanted to. And strangely enough it was impossible to move for the moment. I wanted to hear their thoughts, to know what was going on inside their minds. I owed them that much. To pay attention to something other than my own feelings. I wanted to be more selfless.

Of course, hearing their actual thoughts squashed my shortly obtained reason and made me want to run far far away. But I forced myself to keep still. And listen.

They were discussing their travel plans. I recalled hearing about this, thoug it was certain I had not paid alot of attention to the plans they had been making since we had arrived in they had decided upon going to Ithaca, NY.

After Christmas Carlisle would go and work part time at the Cayuga Medical Center and also he'd be lecturing night classes at Cornell. Jasper would also attend Cornell and study philosophy there.

Esme had her eyes set on restoring an old house there. Alice wasn't quite sure about what she wanted to do yet, but I'd picked up from her thoughts that she was debating on going off and find more information about her human days. Especially after James ' video in the ballet studio had sparked that flame.

Their plans were all quite solid, though Esme was wavering the most, accordig to Carlisle's thoughts. She was between a rock and a hard place about this, debating whether it would be best to stay here in Denali a while longer in hopes I would eventually recover. That or just force me to go with them to Ithaca. The latter seemed to be the more preferred option but also the toughest one to go by. All of them were well aware of how difficult it would be to get me to move across the country with them.

"I think he should go with us..", Esme spoke softly. It was heartwreching to hear the hope behind her wish.

Carlisle sighed and I could hear the muscles in his neck stretch through the motion of nodding.

Of course he wanted nothing more but to agree with Esme. But he knew better than that.

"I want him to go with us too." he said.

Esme's thoughts were hopeful, motherly. She believed that if she smothered me with motherly concern that it would heal me. Such idle wishes. Nothing could ever heal me.

Not even my kind-hearted mother. I felt bad for her. Hurt even, since I knew how big her compassion was. And how it made her suffer to see me like this. I wished her love could cure me, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. Even a woman with her understanding, her gentle soul couldn't save mine. I'd been sucked into that black hole far too deep.

Carlisle was less hopeful and far more cautious. Or rather, he was less optimistic about my state of mind than Esme was. More practical about it too.

In a way he knew me better than Esme did, which made sense since I was his first 'creation' and companion. Plus, he had been the first to learn of my mind reading.

_He'll never go. I have no idea how to even convince him. If he stays here he'lll seclude himself even further. Up until a point where he won't even hunt anymore. I cannot allow that to happen._

My father didn't have the hope I'd join them but naturally, he wanted me to anyway and so he thought of ways to persuade me - hoping there was some common sense left in my mind so that I could try and be reasonable enough to understand how important it was to keep the family in tact. After all, without Rosalie and Emmett there, the Cullens were thinning out. And Carlisle and Esme both wanted for all of us to be complete again, once the happy couple would return from their holiday. If I joined them of course.

"You think he will?" Esme wondered

I could hear the optimism and expectance in her voice. And for a small moment I wanted to justify my mother's belief and go with them.

After all, how bad could Ithaca be? It couldn't be any worse - nor better - than any other place on earth they'd go to. It wasn't like location was a subject of importance to me.

I could go anywhere and not notice the geographical differences or the changing landscapes and population. It would all be the same to me.

So if that didn't matter, what did? Why was it so hard for me to move to Ithaca with my family.

The problem was that I could not stand to be around them. And I was not even ashamed about thinking it. I could not be around my family and hear their thoughts every single day.

Esme's worry. Carlisle's awareness of that worry. Not to mention the fact he seemed to know what was going on inside me. Even if he could not read my mind, like I could his.

I had to be away from all of it. Free from the possibility of more unwanted and forced upon fake visions from Alice's which would feed the cheating even more. Jasper's ever lasting guilt and attempts to control the pain that couldn't be soothed.

And then eventually, when Rosalie and Emmett would return from their honeymoon, I would have to be away from that too. I knew that dealing with their public displays of love would be too much to handle. Not to mention Emmett's attempts to cheer me up and Rosalie's revulsion and disapproval at my weakness.

"I don't know" Carlisle admitted. He sounded wary. I was't certain if Esme could hear it, but I sure could. Also, he was very much aware that someone was watching them. His mind had already registered it was me. I realized he could probably smell me and that Esme was too preoccupied with her worries to register it too.

Esme sighed and wrapped her arms around Carlisle's waist. He pulled her close and briefly pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I love you" I could hear him whisper and like a defense mechanism instantly locking itself, I wanted to turn and run. I was done listening to this, It had been a mistake to linger here. .This was worse than Tanya's internal sex drive, This was far too confronting.

And it was about to get worse for me because before I could move, I could hear Carlisle's voice.

"Edward, are you out there?" he asked with confidence. He was intuitive enough to know he was right.

"Is he?" Esme asked, bewildered.

I could have just ran but I didn't want to hurt them even more. So I turned and tried to be casual as I moved towards them.

Esme seemed happy to see me, as she flashed me a warm smile.

"Edward.." she beamed. But then she frowned.

_He looks terrible. His eyes are pitchblack. He hasn't hunted in so long_, she noted and the smile faded instanly.

"I am fine" I whispered and hoped it would be convincing. But the words sounded empty and the worrying frown on Esme's face didn't disappear.

"I should head back and help Tanya with organizing the party she has planned" Esme said and she started to walk away. Her hand quickly brushed against my cheek as she passed me.

"You will be there, right?" she asked.

She didn't even wait for my answer because she didn't want to be disappointed again when I'd decline.

Carlisle did.

"Will you?" he wondered with no conviction.

I shook my head.

"Edward, I worry about you. Esme does too. We all do.."

I didn't respond and stared off ito the distance. I could hear the quiet steps of hoofs nearby. But I wasn't thirsty anymore. I didn't want to taste blood and saturate my bloodlust. Never before had I damned my existence so much.

"I think you should come with us to Ithaca," Carlisle stated, "The last thing you need is to stay somewhere all alone."

_Someone needs to make sure he will take care of himself._

"You need to be with family.."

It made sense and I didn't see how I could argue with him. Except that I didn't want to be around my family.

In truth, it boiled down to one thing. The reason I'd been keeping a distance from them, despite the fact I knew they simply wanted to help me. I didn't know _how _to be around them. It felt like torture to watch them go about their lives.

Their existence - limitedless and eternal - still had a purpose, still worth it.

Mine wasn't worth a damn thing. I was nothing but a pathetic creature, I didn't even know how to be a vampire anymore. So there was no purpose all around. And that would never change, surely Carlisle realized tis too.

"There's nothing there for me in Ithaca" I mumbled quietly.

"You could study. Or help me at the hospital. It would really mean so much to Esme if you joined us. She wants you to stay close.." he said softly.

I do too," he added.

_I do not know what it would do to Esme if went off by himself. It would worry her far too much and I don't want to put her through that._

"Please, do not hold out on feeding my guilt" I muttered at the sound of his thoughts.

"I am not trying to manipulate you, you must know better than that. But I don't understand why you would want to stay here alone," he clarified his thoughts.

"I...I don't know. I just don't think it would be a good idea to go with you.."

"Keeping to yourself and wandering around isn't such a good idea either.." Carlisle pointed out.

"Now tell me the real reason" he demanded, seeing straight through my wavering.

"I can't take it, alright. I know I am being incredibly selfish and I truly do not want to cause Esme or any of you even the slightest hint of pain or have everyone worry so much, but I need to be alone. " I nearly shouted.

"It's better that way, trust me, " I stated, "I am only a pest to all of you. You're better off without me there."

Why wouldn't any of them listen to me and leave me alone. I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. They should just move on with their life without me so that my moods would not be of influence to them.

"Why? Why do you need to be alone, son?"

It wasn't a rebuking question, Carlisle was sincere, as always. He truly wanted to know. I was surprised he hadn't figured it out. He was usually more observant than I was.

I thought about it for a second but I didn't have a concrete answer. It wasn't easy to explain.

The pain wasn't something that allowed itself to be put into words. The emotion behind the torment both literally as well as figuratively muted me.

I tried to answer Carlisle sincerely but I was sure the words barely covered what I was truly feeling.

"I can't stand the thoughts, the mindsets. I know you cannot help it, but it is easier to deal with everything when I am alone..." I attempted to explain.

"I suppose that makes sense" Carlisle agreed.

"But that doesn't mean you can't go with us. Perhaps you could stay by yourself, have some place to live in Ithaca. Another apartment is always a nice investment. You could even live there alone, if you prefer. As long as you would still be close enough for us to know how to reach you."

I knew he didn't just mean that, so that my family could pay me a social visit if they felt like it. This wasn't about staying in touch. He was worried I would go off the deep end if my family would not remain close enough to check up on me and make sure I wouldn't d anything stupid.

"I just don't know, Carlisle. I wish things were be simpler. But they aren't ."

"Explain that, please?" he pushed gently.

I knew he did not want to force anything out of me. At the same time he was curious. It was the first time in weeks we had more than a two sentence conversation and he wanted nothing more but to keep me talking.

"I never expected it to...hurt _this_ much.." I whispered in agony, "It's unbearable. I don't know how I am going to survive.."

Thinking about the pain and the eternity of it, automatically meant I had to experience a fresh round of the ripping torment inside my chest.

Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder.

"I know.." he simply said.

He meant to be comforting but how could he know? He was not the one alone so how could he even recognize the pain. I was sure he couldn't. My father triumphed me in many ways, but I was convinced I beat him in experiencing grande amounts of pain.

"So if you don't want to join us. What is the alternative?" he wondered quietly.

_What _was the alternative. _That _was the million dollar question.

I could stay here in Denali a while longer. But I was quite certain that would end up being worse than joining my family in Ithaca.

Already I had a difficult time avoiding Tanya and she was quite aware of my presence and my mood, which was similar to the last time I'd been here.

Except much worse.

The last time I was here...

I tried very hard not to remember that. Though the experience this time around was surprisingly similar to that time last year. Where I hadn't been able to shake off the images of her chocolate eyes in my mind. How they had obscured my vision then. How they were still the most prominent projection in my mind now.

And of course the images would resurface right this moment, as the pain spreaded throug my body.

I closed my eyes and allowed the mirage to sharpen and define itself. I could feel a smile curling up my lips.

I gasped softly, overwhelmed by the wicked combination of the excruciating pain and the magical appearance of her face.

I was cheating again. And how could I not? There was simply no way to ignore the way her eyes filled my vision and how the image took over all the sense I had gained in the last few minutes while talking openly to my father. I had no choice but to obey. To drown in their depths before the pain would leave behind its mark with some fresh burning scars after the images would evaporate again.

I was surprised I managed to not get sidetracked with Carlisle standing right there. He seemed surprised too.

_He is smiling. Edward is actually smiling...genuinly._

"What are you doing?" he asked with strong fascination burning in his voice.

His voice alerted me and I snapped out of it immediately. I opened my eyes and shrugged apologetically.

"It's nothing.." I mumbled, as I internally fought the aftershock of the images and the excruciating pain accompanying them.

_Liar,_ someone commented from behind me.

I rolled my eyes and called this person out.

_"Alice.."_ I concluded wryly.

Carlisle turned to look and see how Alice jumped down from the branches of the larch behind us.

"Have you been eavesdropping?" Carlisle rebuked her gently.

She ignored his question and kept her eyes on me. I didn't look at her but from my peripheral vision I saw that there was a hint of speculation in them. And she shielded her thoughts from me again by reciting an unfamiliar rap song.

Which meant she was here with a purpose. And surely one I wasn't going to enjoy.

"We're leaving soon. " Alice announced as she came to our side. "After the party, tonight"

Party? What was their to celebrate? Then I remembered Tanya's invitiation. A goodbye-gathering for my family before they departed to Ithaca.

She ignored me and turned to Carlisle. "Esme needs some help with some of the books you want to take with you. She asked for me to call you so you can help her sort through them" she explained.

"So I wasn't eavesdropping. I was on a mission" she winked.

She sure was, just _not a mission of being the messenger_. I was already dreading the direction in which this was heading.

Carlisle nodded and smiled at Alice before he turned his attention back to me.

"Think about it." he gently ordered me.

He took a fluent leap and landed on the branch Alice had been hiding. It wasn't before long that his thoughts faded as he darted through the thinning woods to make his way back to Tanya's house.

Alice stood across from me, still eyeing me speculatively. This was such a deja-vu. Had we not been here before? Last time she had tried to force me out of my misery by showing me visions of Bella. And as a result I now saw them all the time. Granted, I wanted to see them, in spite of the further damage they inflicted on me. I wondered what her modus operandi would be this time.

"You're not going to me with us, are you?" she said.

There was no vision flashing in her mind. She didn't need to look for my future. There was no point.

Because there was no future.

"I can't see what you'll do or where you'll go instead," she clarified her statement, "Just that you won't be with us"

No future._ Just endlessness._

I didn't speak and looked at the floor. I wanted to close my eyes and call out the mirage. The voice. The amazing beauty. The pain was more appealing than another one of Alice's lectures.

I didn't want to have this discussion with my sister. If Carlisle couldn't convince me with logic than Alice was certainly not going to with pleading or manipulation. I was not going to fall for that again.

"Ithaca won't be so bad. " she said.

And she was right. It wouldn't be bad.

It would be the same.

The same as any other place where Bella would not be.

_Hollow._

But what would make it worse would be the thing I had already pointed out to Carlisle. The idea of coping with my family's mindsets was just too much, I knew it made me selfish and that it was not their fault, but I couldn't help it.

Alice seemed to see right through that.

"I know you'd rather be alone" she coaxed, "but you can brood in Ithaca too. And the visions of Bella won't stay away if you keep conjuring them up. I am certain they are not limited to location."

I looked at her, eyes wide in surprise. "How did you know..."

"That you were cheating?" Alice finished my sentence.

"Why do you think I showed her to you a few weeks ago? I am sure you believe I tried to manipulate you out of this depression. And I admit, that was part of it. But mostly, I wanted you to wake up. Which failed because all you did was...well nothing. You did _nothing. _You aren't doing _much_ better, but I see a small difference. It is there, albeit marginal. I didn't want recovering to take you forever, or until you see Bella again" she explained.

_See Bella again_. That was out of the question, unless I took my cheating to a new level and went back to Forks. And recovering from the loss? That was impossible.

But wait...

_See Bella again_? Did Alice truly believe this was going to happen?

_No!_ I reigned myself in. _That's out of the question! Remember your promise. Her safety, her happiness. Best achieved with your absence._

"Alice," I spat in frustration, "If I didn't believe you manipulated me before, I certainly see what you are trying to do now. You crossed a line when you showed me those visions and you have no idea how hard I have to fight to stay here. How it cuts whenever I see her face in my mind. No torment could be worse than that and I know a thing or two about torment. But I allowed it, so I cannot fully blame you. But this, this constant pushing me into Bella's future, I cannot let you do that. So stop looking for future images. It's never going to happen. Ever!"

At first her expression was slightly awed. Then it changed to smug, and I could tell why. She had succeeded again. She had angered me, which was an entirely different emotion from the one I had been displaying for weeks now. A breakthrough to her. Kind of like Tanya had done earlier, how she had provoked me with her thoughts. Anger was a more upbeat emotion compared to the usual sunken mental state I was in nowadays.

But then, suddenly her features froze into a shocked and worried mask.

I knew exactly what was coming.

_A new vision._

"Alice," I warned her in shock, "Stop that! I won't have it!"

"Too late" she muttered as her eyes became unfocused on some unbeknownst future event.

"Don't go there!" I begged her. I didn't want to see it. Whatever it was.

But she was right. It was already too late.

It took me one second to see it flash in Alice's mind.

The dark haired man with the olive toned skin. I recognized him instantly, though my mind didn't quite register the significance. But it was him.

_Laurent._

The man who'd been a part of James' coven. Mistakingly believed to have been the leader. He had been the one to warn us about James. After which he had traveled further up north. To Denali.

The images showed a seductive setting. Laurent staying at the house with Tanya and her family. Getting intimate with Irina and sometimes Tanya too. I was thankful the movements were too blurry to be specific.

Then the vision switched to something that looked like fire. It reminded me of the bonfire my brother had set to burn the pieces of James' body. I could even smell it from the horrible memory. But as the image defined itself. the fire shifted and shaped intself into something more clear, making it look like dancing strands of hair.

_Fire-red_ hair.

This too failed to fully register with me. Why would Alice show me this. It made no sense.

Then there was nothing. Alice shifted her weight and rubbed the side of her head to sooth the afterpain.

"Are you tricking me again?" I growled in accusation.

Alice shook her head. "No, I am not. That was a real vision. Like the one we saw the other time of you and Bella. You holding her near a stone wall. I still haven't figured out the significance of that one" she admitted.

I knew the reason for that. There was no significance. That vision had been a lie. A mistake. Like this one. It meant nothing.

"You promised not to look for things" I reminded her.

"You know I cannot exactly control these things" she shot back.

"I don't actively look for her future, Edward" she assured me.

"So what does this one mean then?" I wondered.

Did this vision have something to do with Bella? Alice was convinced it did.

"More proof you and Bella aren't done" she stated with confidence.

I shot her a warning glare, but she dismissed me by continuing. "Think about it. Why would I see Laurent? I mean, out of the three of them, he was the most harmless and rather insignificant. And we know he went and stayed here for a while. "

"Your point..." I urged.

"It's not about him. But he is significant in a way, I think" she pondered.

As Alice tried to make sense of her vision, something suddenly hit me. And when it did, it brought with an entirely new level of pain.

The vision wasn't about Laurent. He was just the trigger_. A tool_. The purpose he most likely always served throughout his entire existence.

This was about the fire-red hair.

Which belonged to a woman.

_Victoria._

Admittedly I had not paid much attention to her when she was with James. Now I wished I had.

The moment the thought and sight of her occupied my mind with the warning of her flaming red hair, was the moment I felt a fury, rumbling deep inside me.

Thinking about her, made the venom burn in my throat and I let slip a fierce growl. I realized what Alice's vision meant.

"Alice..", I hissed.

She gasped as she saw my determination in her mind. A fresh vision. A decision very different from either staying here or joining my family in Ithaca.

"She is out there, Edward" she spoke matter of factly, knowing what her vision meant. For me.

For Bella.

_It is only a matter of time until she shows up somewhere. Somewhere near Bella. Unless __**you**__ do something._

She was right. It was only a matter of time.

And because I hadn't observed her closely last spring, I hadn't thought Victoria to be a threat. Another mistake on my part. One I had to correct.

But now I could. She was never going to come near Bella. I'd make sure of that.

Even if _I_ couldn't be near Bella, a distance solely designed to protect her, I'd still do everything in my power to keep her safe. Especially if I wasn't the danger for a change. And this wasn't cheating, I wasn't breaking my promise. This actually served the idea of keeping Bella safe and happy.

Keeping her safe, albeit from a distance. And she would never have to know.

Also, it would at the very least be an interesting distraction from fighting these urges to cheat. Perhaps it could even muffle the yearnings that had me longing to return to Forks.

And so I knew what I had to do.

"I am going _hunting_"

* * *

**First off, sorry for the long wait. Thanks for all your support and reviews. For those who are interested: I added a bit to chap 3 and 4, it's an idea I got from MissChrysalide, who pointed out that perhaps Edward took the photos Bella send to her mom, when he was supposed to drop them off in the mailbox. I did take on that idea in some fashion, so MissChrysalide, thanks for pointing it out!**

**As for this chapter and the title: Edward is cheating. Not with another woman, but he is cheating on himself. Ever since Alice sort of 'awakened' him in the last chapter he is fantasizing about Bella, remembering her and ripping himself apart in the process. Also, he forbade Alice to look for her future and yet he cheats by going after Victoria. We all know he'd never go off and find her if he didn't believe she could be a threat to Bella. And Edward cheats on his family too, by paying little attention to his surroundings and their lives. Finally: I am aware that this was a chapter similar to the last one. From now on, there will be more action again.**

**Please R&R!**


	10. Another Author Note

Hello everyone,

First of all, my sincere apologies for not updating in a while.

I know there's nothing more frustrating than a story not being frequently updated.

Unfortunately, other things get in the way and since I need my time to write, at the moment it's impossible for me to update regularly.

However, I hope to be back to committing to FH and updating regularly come early November.

All I can ask for is your patience. :)

Thank you!

-Bronze


	11. Hunter

**CHAPTER 6: HUNTER**

_I dare you to move, I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor_

_Instinct._

Vampires were useless without it. I had been useless. Until now.

My nostrils were flaring, easily picking up the scents swirling through the air. I could hear the beating of hearts, the pulse of fresh blood was ringing in my ears. The sound of hoofs on the steep surfaces of the mountain paths begged me to follow.

To hunt.

_To kill._

This was so easy. And yet, the sensation of the smell of blood threw me a little. Like I had been desensitized for a long time. It was painful, because it burned. Not like the burn I had experienced before – I'd never feel that kind of desire again, or any other kind for that matter – but it did feel more uncomfortable than I had expected.

Granted, it had been a while since I had hunted. And even longer since I had actually enjoyed the chase.

And I was actually enjoying myself right now. It was a necessity to play the game of hunter and prey, essential to the plans laid out for me.

I needed to find new strength. Not just physically - it was a lesser priority, since I was still fast. But mostly mentally. I could feel the strain against my muscles. It wasn't uncomfortable; it made me feel like I was in control of something. I could concentrate without the ripping pain threatening to cut me to pieces. For the moment.

As I approached the herd of deer - such a simple chase, a minimal hunt not worthy of anything more than an afterthought when it came to the ability of hunting - I realized a small part of me felt an odd sense of unwanted excitement. It bothered me, since I'd given preference to my bleak depressed state for so long, but for the moment, it made me alert enough to respond.

Which was new.

For seconds, minutes, hours and even days I'd been hiding away in my own black solitude. Being a pest to my hosts; the Denali coven. And even more so to my family. They all had tried to tiptoe around me. They had to be sick of me by now.

And I was sick of them. It wasn't fair to feel that way, I knew that. But it was so tiring to have to face them every day. To have to disappoint them every day. I could tell by their thoughts they all hoped I'd feel better eventually.

My family out of concern, Tanya out of hope. The other members of the Denali Coven cared less about my attitude and didn't pay much attention to me. To them I'd always been an outcast.

A true disappointment in the vampire spectrum, I was sure.

Because ultimately that's what I was. I was nothing but a disappointment. And the fact all I could think about were my weaknesses and my pain, only added to the feeling of failure.

How selfish I was. Nothing new there.

Nothing but a downward spiral of self pity and self-loathing. How befitting. Such brilliant punishment. I remembered my monotone life from before but now I almost longed to have it back. Back then, I'd been aware of something other than a hollow in my chest, because I hadn't known that something was missing. I'd gone through day after day, staring at cracks in the walls at Forks High, moving from place to place, feeling like my life would never change. Well, it was one thing to feel that way and another to know your life could have been a certain way, a way in which you were happy and now it was never going to be like that again.

Never was I going to feel alive again.

Something so essential to mankind. To human kind.

Of course, I was barely human. So it made sense I couldn't hold on to the one thing that had made me feel alive.

_Bella._

More self pity. Of course. Nothing new in essence, except for a new edge to how I felt.

The only thing different now was the need to act. To protect. Alice's vision had been successful in that sense.

And painful, confronting and wry as it was, was useful in a way too. It gave me a purpose.

I felt the adrenaline rush through me, masking the pain that was tearing me up inside. But masking wasn't healing. It was only temporary that a hint of fake adrenaline coursed through me.

The pain hadn't gotten better. As if pain could ever get better. I thought of how Carlisle would sometimes act as a grief counselor at the hospital for families who had lost a loved one.

I didn't feel like that. My pain wasn't similar to the pain a lover felt when losing his other half through death. A family mourning a member.

My pain was death. It was not just sorrow and grief; it was pitch black, suffocating, life sucking.

_Death. _

And I was very much aware of how unjustified it was. It had been my choice, all along. My choice to do the right thing. To safe Bella's life and give up my own.

I had chosen death.

It was ironic. Death had chosen me once before, a long time ago, but Carlisle had put a halt to it. Instead he gave me life, albeit immortal and eternal.

And now, by my own admission, my own choice, I had chosen death again.

Not literally – I wasn't that fortunate. I was still breathing and oddly alert while running towards my prey. But the best part of me, - the alive part – was gone.

My heart was gone. Replaced by the hollow.

It felt like I had left it somewhere way back there in the state of Washington.

Forks.

Buried under a floorboard, without the keeper of it knowing how close it was.

She'd never know that I had lied, lied about making it seem like I had never existed. I'd left all the important parts of myself, all but my memories, with her.

As the smell of animal blood – dull and barely appetizing – assaulted my senses – I thought of my purpose. To push back the darkness and focus on what was important.

Bella. Keeping her safe.

Alive.

I owed her that much, after she had given me the same sense of liveliness.

The keeper of my heart needed to be safe and alive. Even if I could never be with her again – which was exactly what I was intending to do – never be with her again, never touch her flushed scarlet cheeks, never see her smile, never feel her warm breath – her lips…whispering my name…

_Edward, stay…_

I sighed.

I hadn't been able to cheat since Alice showed me the vision. It was like the image of Bella was hiding now, knowing there was a danger lurking. Knowing it wasn't even safe to be a mirage in my head.

I longed to summon her. I wanted to see her eyes bore into mine, even if it was just in my head. Just for a moment I wanted to indulge myself in cheating again.

But now wasn't the time. I had no choice but to concentrate on what mattered.

I breathed in deep and smelled the small herd of deer more strongly. They were close. I wasn't thirsty, but the vision of red flaming hair burned my throat, allowing a growl to escape my lips.

The family was leaving for Ithaca in a few hours. Alice and Tanya had thrown together a little goodbye soiree, one I was desperately trying to avoid. This made my sudden need to hunt a perfect excuse to stay away from it.

I knew my family was still hoping I would join them, though I was quite certain Alice had informed them by now, that was not going to happen, given her latest vision.

The vision, echoing in my ears, flashing through my mind had left me with a newfound alertness. The moment I'd read Alice's mind, seen the vision that was haunting her, my muscles had tightened and the fog of depression had been lifted. I knew this was just a temporary thing that the hollow in my chest would eventually catch up with me again, but for the moment I felt hypersensitive to my surroundings.

I wasn't healed, I'd never be healed. I'd always be broken. But right now, I had something to focus on, even though the subject of my attention was the same subject that caused me to be curled up into a ball most of the time.

But Bella's safety was the most important thing. The reason I had left. Up until Alice's vision of Victoria I couldn't have imagined I'd ever have to protect her from anything but myself. James was dead and all the monsters had left Forks the day I did. Figuratively.

But I had never taken Victoria into account and now I felt foolish for being so callous. I should have paid more attention to her mindset. But I hadn't. I had dismissed her because she seemed insignificant. Because I'd been so focused on James and his mind trip. His threats. Never had I allowed myself to pay attention to Victoria and take a glimpse into her mind.

I had to right this wrong and this was the first step. Feed. Ne the hunter and strengthen myself. And then, I needed some answers. Information.

The deer were no match for my capable hands, my firm grip. I sank my teeth into the wet pulsing spot in their necks, freeing the liquid sensation I hadn't tasted in a while. It went down with ease, heating me to the core.

It reminded me of her touch.

The black hole reacted, expanding. Clawing at me, opening up fresh wounds, new scars. For a moment I hesitated, taken aback.

What I wouldn't give to touch her. To feel her warmth. Her hand in mine.

Her lips on mine.

I shuddered involuntarily. This was not what I needed right now. I needed to focus. Concentrate. Not indulge myself in the rush of the pain. The longing for her intimacy.

I shoved the dead carcass away and sprang to my feet.

_Focus Edward!_ I chided myself.

I needed to find Victoria and deal with her before she could get close to Bella.

Before she would get close to Bella, which would force me to go back to Forks.

But how to find her? Alice's vision hadn't been specific on a location.

She had however shown me Laurent. And that was my only lead.

Never before had I run this fast, almost eager to get back to the people I'd been avoiding for weeks.

***

Entering the house, on a mission to find Laurent, I bounded in on my family and the Denali clan, coming to a halt when I noticed how they were enjoying each other's company by the fire.

Carlisle and Eleazar were engaged in a deep conversation about the Volturi laws, while Irina, Carmen and Esme were talking about re-designing the house. Tanya sat with them but looked distracted. Kate was nowhere to be found but I figured she'd be entertaining one of her human lovers somewhere, immediately repressing the thought.

Alice and Jasper were simply gazing into each other's eyes, privately, lovingly. I'd seen them do it many times before, but now the intimacy of it kicked me.

Something I'd never feel again.

As I observed them for a fraction of a second, I was taken aback by the peace, the solace they all felt in their own way. I envied it. Longed to have it.

Not wanting to get sidetracked by the feeling of desolation, the pain trying to break through my resolution again, I approached Tanya instantly.

I sensed her surprise and anticipation, assuming I was finally ready to confide in her, to have her to comfort me.

_Edward is here. He looks better. Maybe he is ready…to let me…care for him._

She couldn't be more wrong.

And I couldn't allow her to even harbor these thoughts, since I was never going to need any kind of support from her. I just needed information.

The others: Irina, Carmen and Eleazar were surprised by my sudden appearance. My own family also wondered why I had suddenly decided to become sociable. The only one unimpressed was Alice.

I caught her rolling her eyes at me, the dramatic nature of my entrance and my demands to have everyone pay attention to me. She was a seer and not one to read minds, but I could swear that, that little sister of mine was often not far from reading exactly what was in my thoughts.

Jasper eyed me with cautioned wonder, while Carlisle and Esme seemed happy that I had decided to join them inside for their final night here.

"_Edward_," Tanya started. "I'm so happy you decided to join us."

She swayed over to my side, flashing me a bright smile, while she flipped her hair over her shoulder. Trying to be seductive. She traced the planes of my chest with her index finger a she held my dismissive stare.

I shivered internally. It was not the touch I wanted.

"Where is Laurent?" I demanded, ignoring the frown that replaced the smile on Tanya's face. She dropped her hand instantly.

Good, at least she wasn't trying to dry hump me anymore.

"Laurent?" she asked, puzzled. "Why do you want to know?"

_Well, his former coven partner Victoria wants to kill my only love. The one I'll never see again. Especially not if either of them kills her. Of course even if I can protect her from that by killing both of them, I won't see her ever again and..._

I sighed. So much for not getting side tracked. The hollow was nagging, eating away my insides. I wanted to get this part over with. I wasn't here to chat; I needed to know where Laurent was, so that I could start to track Victoria.

_Tonight._

I needed the distraction to keep from losing my mind.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked softly, as he joined me and Tanya. "What's wrong?"

Before I could explain - not that I wanted to, but I supposed that barging in here, interrupting a nice gathering had probably not been the best way to find out what I needed to know- Alice spoke.

"It's Victoria. Edward wants to find her, "she said disapproval thick in her voice. And there was the underlining eye-rolling again.

I was more than a little surprised by her tone though. Earlier, during her vision she'd been convinced that Victoria needed to be dealt with. Now, it was almost as if she didn't want me to go.

"Victoria?" Esme chimed in; her thoughts instantly full of worry. Suddenly I had everyone's attention. Irina, Carmen and Eleazar had turned their attention to me as well.

The only one who didn't immediately react was Jasper. I knew he was sensing the mood and that he was curious about Victoria, but he wasn't going to jump on me right away, which I actually appreciated.

Not like he'd demand anything from me anyway, not at this point. There was still an awkward kind of truce between us. I knew it was irrational to blame him for what took place at Bella's birthday and what could've almost happened but deep down - selfish as I was - I did partially blame him.

And he was aware of this and blamed himself too. We hadn't really spoken since leaving Forks – apart from the one time he had apologized - I knew it pained Alice that Jasper felt so guilty but it seemed to be the only way for the two of us to function.

Both guilty, both remorseful.

I ignored the thoughts of the ones surrounding me and turned back to Tanya. "Where is he? Where is Laurent?" I asked again, my voice harsh and demanding.

Tanya, unimpressed with my threatening tone narrowed her eyes and placed one hand on my chest again. _Great._ More touching…

But it wasn't a caress. It was a warning.

"Edward," she practically hissed, - I could hear she tried to control her voice. She was clearly not pleased with my demeanor.

"I'd like to point out that all of us here were enjoying a nice mellow atmosphere. And here you are"- she lifted her arm from my chest and gestured to me - "here you come waltzing in, demanding our attention. We've all put up with your behavior, but this, this is unacceptable," she growled.

Everyone was aware of the tension and eyed Tanya and me speculatively.

She had a point. A very good point. And yet, as her eyes blazed at me and her lips repressed menacing sounds, I didn't feel guilty for my self-serving ways.

"Where is Laurent?' I asked again, wondering briefly how many more times I was supposed to ask this before someone,_ anyone_ was going to give me answer. I contemplated going outside again and be on my way to wherever.

Except I had no idea where to go. I couldn't exactly go back to Forks and keep an eye on Bella - tempting as it was, I knew I'd slip up if I did - so it was essential I'd go wherever Laurent had headed. That is, if he had in fact gone to meet Victoria. But judging from what little we got from Alice's vision, he probably had been in contact with Victoria.

I took a breath and forced myself to produce a small - pleading - smile.

"Tanya, please. I need to know"

Now I sounded weak. Pathetic. They all heard it, they all realized it. Tanya's frown disappeared and she took my hand.

"He left a few months ago. Irina was devastated," she whispered.

_Irina?_

By the time I had turned around to face her, knowing I had pushed the wrong vampire for information, knowing it was Irina I needed to ask about Laurent, she was ready to bolt out the door.

"Wait!" I halted her. "Irina, please. Where did Laurent go?"

"I don't...I can't…, she stammered, before flitting out the door.

I wanted to go after her, especially since her mind seemed to be locked down. I caught glimpses of Laurent doing well at first, keeping to our special vegetarian diet, but then starting to slip more often. There was also something about a few phone conversations. Irina had wondered if Laurent was having an affair with another woman.

A woman named Victoria.

Victoria? So he had been in contact with her.

As I made my way to the door, Tanya stopped me.

"Don't." she warned. "Irina is in pain and I won't allow you to make it worse. She loved Laurent and I am certain he loved her. It was that woman...._Victoria_ - the one you're apparently set on going after - who was in the way," she muttered with venom.

I was not at all interested in the trials and tribulations of their odd relationship.

"Do you know where he went? Did he take off to meet up with Victoria?' I asked, almost eager.

Tanya rolled her eyes.

_You're so sensitive to other people's pain. Really. Is there a more selfish creature than you?_

No. But my obvious selfishness was the one thing keeping Bella alive right now, where it had been the biggest obstacle before. For once my demanding egotistical nature was doing something useful.

Sort of…

"Did he, or did he not meet up with Victoria?" I spat impatiently.

I could tell from Tanya's thoughts that she was close to slapping me. Or biting my head off first and then slapping me.

I knew she'd be protective of her sister's feelings and under normal circumstances I would've acknowledged that and be more sensitive but right now, with my instincts flaring and only focused on finding Victoria, I had little to no compassion.

Tanya shrugged and muttered something about not giving a damn about what I wanted to know.

But her mind, - thankfully - gave her away before she was out the door to head after Irina.

Laurent had taken off just before we had arrived. According to a phone call Irina had - yet again -picked up on, he was going to meet up with Victoria somewhere down south.

_Texas._

"Texas," I mumbled, to no one in particular.

"Edward," Esme chided me, her tone cooler than I'd ever heard it. "That was uncalled for."

The word _rude_ flashed in her head.

Carlisle agreed. "You need to apologize. The Denali's have been very hospitable and you've been..."

"Rude," Esme finished his sentence.

"I need to talk to Irina," I stated and turned to follow after her and Tanya.

But Carlisle firmly grabbed my arm to prevent me. "No, you don't," he warned.

"Yes, I do," I spat, trying to pull away.

"Edward, calm down. You need to give Irina some time. Clearly, she is upset," Carlisle pointed out.

I noticed from the corner of my eye how Carmen, Eleazar had disappeared out of the room.

"I don't have time," I nearly growled.

This was what it felt like. Like I was running out of time. If I didn't get to the bottom of this fast, Victoria would end up going back to Forks. Alice hadn't had a vision of her there yet, but I couldn't imagine it to be long before she did. And then, I wouldn't be on time.

"Why would you want to go after Victoria?" Carlisle asked.

_Is she heading to Forks_, he wondered

"She will. Which is why I have to find her," I muttered

"Scaring Irina in the process is not going to help," Alice scolded me.

Carlisle released me and turned to Alice. "What did you see in your vision?" he wondered.

"Victoria. Flaming red hair. And Laurent. But he's not important. Victoria is the thread," Alice explained.

"And you can't see where she is?" Esme asked.

Alice shook her head. "It's the hair that stands out. But nothing else in particular. She could be anywhere."

"Then how will you find her?" Esme looked at me.

"I need to find out what Laurent did. Where he went," I said.

I needed to know if he did go to Texas, like Tanya's mind had hinted t.

And to be certain, I needed to talk to Irina.

"I need to talk to her. I just need to know where Laurent went," I explained before I sprinted out the door, not allowing anyone to stop me.

Outside, Tanya was waiting. Her face looked calm, but in her mind a storm was brewing.

"Tanya..." I started.

"Don't," she hissed. "Don't even think about going after Irina. She doesn't deserve to be dragged down in your spiral of self pity. And Laurent has hurt her enough!"

For a moment, with a peek into her mind I saw what she meant. Laurent hadn't even said goodbye to Irina. He had just left her. Like she meant nothing.

Her pain was ripping me apart almost as much as my own, because I could relate to it so well.

"I need to apologize," I explained and with that I followed Irina's scent to a few miles away from the house. I half-expected Tanya to follow me and stop me, but she didn't.

I found Irina, sitting on the exact rock I sat when I came here after my first introduction to Bella. The rock I sat on, staring at the sky when we arrived here a few short months ago.

The rock of solitude, abandonment.

I slowly approached her, not wanting to frighten her.

"Irina," I whispered. "I am sorry. I know there's no excuse for my behavior. I shouldn't have pressed. I didn't mean to upset you," I spoke quietly.

She remained silent, only in her thoughts could I read her pain. I was still surprised she had actually cared for Laurent this much. I had assumed it to be a brief thing, something fleeting. From her mind I gathered it had been something much much deeper than that and it threw me.

"I loved him," she whispered.

_I still do. And I can't have you harm him._

Of course, she was worried I was going to end up hurting Laurent.

Well, if I'd find him, I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't. Kill him. If he was a threat to Bella than he needed to be dealt with.

"I need to know where Victoria is," I tried to explain.

_Because you want to protect the human, _she guessed.

The human. Bella. I didn't want to talk about this. I wasn't ready to talk about this. Especially not with Irina. I just needed information and I needed it now.

"Has Laurent told you where he was going?"

_No._

"So he didn't go to Texas?"

She looked at me in shock, but then for a hint of a second a small smile flashed across her face.

_You got that from Tanya_, Irina figured.

"I picked it up from her thoughts," I admitted.

"Are you reading mine?" she wondered.

I nodded sheepishly. "I can't exactly turn this off."

She shook her head, like she was trying to shake off the pain. I realized that was it. Irina loved Laurent and was in pain because of his absence. The abandonment.

It couldn't be compared to what I felt, no pain could compare to the agony of the nagging hollow, but it was pain nonetheless. And that I could respect. Understand. So instead of putting more pressure on her, I decided to be kind.

"Did you ever tell him?" I asked her.

Her eyes met mine and they were wide with confusion.

"Tell him what?"

"That you loved him. That you didn't want him to leave. That you understood why he was cheating," I said softly.

Because he had been cheating. More than she knew. And when she found out – her thoughts were flowing freely now, now that I had broken through her armor – she didn't berate him. She had been fair. She envied him for his lack of remorse at first but then, as he also showed no remorse for being in contact with Victoria, Irina had realized, he was going to leave eventually.

And he had, sooner than she had expected. Without any form of a goodbye.

She looked up at me, grimacing. "It wouldn't have made a difference, "she spat.

"He was never going to stay."

"Well, then he wasn't worth it," I offered. "If he had loved you, he would have stayed."

The words sounded wrong, coming from me. I didn't know the first thing about relationships and I couldn't even pretend to know or understand whatever had been going on between Irina and Laurent.

She sensed this too. "You left your human. I guess you didn't love her either," Irina remarked coldly.

"I left her because of that," I hissed.

The assumption was all wrong. Irina only said it to hurt me. An eye for an eye. To make sure I had no clue as to how she felt about Laurent.

"I know." She sounded defeated.

"And now you want to find this Victoria, so you can protect the human girl," she spoke quietly.

"Yes," I nodded.

_And you expect me to help you. Lead you to Laurent so you can kill him._

"I can't have him near…._her_," I choked. I couldn't say her name. It hurt too much.

"And I can't have you kill him," Irina shot back.

"Just tell me where he went. My main focus is Victoria. I just want to deal with her," I pleaded.

Irina sighed. She rose slowly and then, by the speed of light, so abrupt, she was gone.

But not without an afterthought echoing through the cool air around me

_Ouachita Mountains_

North-east Texas.

My senses kicked in immediately. I knew where to go now. And there was no time to waste.

But before I could race back to the house to get the Volvo and be on my way, there was another interruption. An unexpected one.

Jasper.

_You're really going to do this_, he wondered, pondering on my plan as he came to my side.

"Yes," I mumbled.

_Need back-up?_

Of course, Jasper was more than willing to help, hoping it would relieve some of his guilt. But I knew Alice never allow him to help me and that she didn't agree with the guilt he felt. And I didn't even want him to go with me.

"No."

_It's not wise for you to go alone._

I shook my head, I was on my own on this.

"I let Victoria slip in the first place, now I am going to correct that error," I muttered.

"What about me?' Jasper spoke, aloud now. "When do I get to correct my mistake?"

I blinked once, taken aback by the question and the amount of guilt seeping through the words.

It was like it was hitting me now. I knew I was selfish. And the past few months had been the worst. But hearing Jasper's question, or remark or whatever it was that he meant, I knew I hadn't just wronged Bella.

I had failed my family too. On the surface I'd known all this time I was dragging them down with me, for them to allow me wallow in my pain, dealing with my near catatonic state.

"Jazz," I started but he held his hand up to stop me before I could speak.

"You know I am sorry. I told you before. And I am pretty certain you can read it in my thoughts too."

"Though I wonder if you even pay any attention to the mindsets around you anymore," he said.

"It's easier to tune you out," I admitted in a whisper.

_So that there's more room to feel sorry for yourself?_

It wasn't what I expected him to say, or rather think about.

"Is that what you sense?" I asked.

"That. And a lot of...nothing. Emptiness. Well, before. Now, I feel a hint of anticipation and anger too," he explained.

"This is good. Anger will help you deal," he added.

Jasper, MD. Psych.

"I just want to find Victoria and make sure she won't pose a threat anymore," I said.

"I don't want her near…Forks."

Jasper nodded. "I know. But I think you shouldn't do that alone. I think you need back up."

"I think that should be _me_," he spoke with conviction.

"You should go to Ithaca with Alice," I countered.

"Alice will understand the need for me to do this," he assured me.

I shook my head. "You're wrong."

"Victoria is a threat. A threat to many people, if she's as vicious as I picked up on," Jasper continued.

_You shouldn't try and find her alone._

"You knew?" I asked in disbelief.

"Knew what kind of threat she was?"

"I am not a psychic or a mind reader. But her aura was pitch black. And not just because she is a vampire. James was mellow compared to her. More reasonable, practical. Victoria is passionate"

"You killed her mate. I bet she's going to want revenge," Jasper stated.

And what better way than to kill _my mate._ Well...former mate.

My love. That would never change. Even if Bella would find happiness and I knew I needed to be happy when she did, she would always be the only one I loved.

No matter what, I was never going to allow Victoria to execute some sort of revenge plan. If she wanted someone dead, she was going to have to settle for trying to kill me.

"That's why I am going to track her down."

"You shouldn't go alone. Really, I don't know if you could take her" Jasper said with caution.

I snorted, but only halfheartedly. I would have no problem with taking down Victoria. All I had to do was head south, to Texas and make sure I'd kill her and burn the pieces.

_Easy._

I knew it wouldn't be the same for Jasper. Texas was his birth ground and part of his background. A painful part.

"Why would you go to Texas anyway?" I wondered.

"Are you punishing yourself extra by going there?" I mused.

"Would you forgive me, if that would be part of my motivation?" he shot back

"There's nothing to forgive," I mumbled.

_And yet....you blame me. Which I understand._

"I don't. I blame myself. I should blame myself, "I whispered.

"But it is easier to blame me?" Jasper nodded.

"Don't", I warned. "Don't act all understanding. It's not fair."

Jasper chuckled. "Leave me something some guilt to choke on, Edward."

Then he composed himself and sighed. "You know no one in the family wants you to go alone. And I know the territory and want to help you. Two kill easier than one," he pointed out.

"If Victoria is as strong and determined as you claim her to be, than she could hurt either of us. And I can't risk that to be you. "

"But you would risk your own life?"

_What life_? I didn't have a life. I didn't even have an existence. My days were filled without a purpose and although I was temporarily occupied with finding Victoria, once she was dealt with, I'd go back to my solitary, torn state.

So really, I wasn't risking anything. And if I had to die instead of Bella. I would. In an instant.

"Yes." Undoubtedly.

"If Victoria kills you, that won't make Bella safe. If Alice's vision is correct, Victoria is after Bella. She just wants you to hunt her as a bonus."

"So be it. I don't want you to come with me" I grumbled, starting to get irritated.

I expected more reasoning from Jasper, but instead he put his arm on my shoulder - I had to fight the urge to shake it off, or grab the arm and lift him over my shoulder and throw him to ground,

"If I can't go with you; how will I ever make it right?"

"You protect the family," I told him.

"And who will look after you? You're part of the family too," he told me quietly.

No one. No one needed to look after me. If anything this was my fight to fight.

"I'll be fine," I muttered.

"Carlisle disagrees. As does Esme. Alice thinks we should all go, but Carlisle starts lecturing at Cornell after the weekend. He can't join us. And I don't want Esme or Alice there." Jasper spoke.

Neither did I. I wanted no one there.

"What about you? I was under the impression you were going to take some classes at Cornell a well." I pointed out.

_You did pay some attention…_

"It's Philosophy. Some call it a lazy study, not at all demanding. I can always start later." He shrugged.

"Jasper, it'll be fine. I am not going to jump her. I just want to find out where she is. If I need back up, I could always call you or Emmett." I offered.

Jasper narrowed his eyes and for a moment he considered what I said.

"I don't know. I really think it's better when..."

I interrupted him without allowing him to finish. "Look, you need to stay with Alice. If this Victoria is as strong as you sensed her to be, especially mentally, than I can't risk her lashing out and hurting anyone. I need to focus on her and her alone. I can't watch your back. "

"You wouldn't have to," Jasper assured me smugly.

I rolled my eyes and hissed angrily. "I am going alone. End of discussion!"

I turn around and took off running, back to the Denali house. I could hear and sense Jasper behind me.

_You will call_, he demanded.

***

Finding my family at the house they seemed all ready to leave. Esme and Alice were saying goodbye to the Denali's, while Carlisle was packing a few final things in the trunk of the black Mercedes.

I watched their exchange from a distance at first, before allowing Jasper – who had come up behind me – to drag me along to the car, where Alice, Esme and Carlisle were now waiting.

"You're still going alone," Alice accused me.

"It'll be fine," I muttered.

"Edward," Carlisle started…

_We can change our plans. I could call the hospital in Ithaca and Cornell University and tell them I can't accept their offers after all…_

"Don't be insane!" I growled. "Of course you're all going to Ithaca. You've sacrificed everything for me by leaving….Forks. I won't allow you to give this up too"

Finally. An unselfish reaction. Well, as unselfish as I could get.

"You will be careful, right?" Esme whispered, as she flitted to my side and stroked my cheek, all lovingly. Motherly.

It was still the wrong touch.

"Yes," I said, not knowing if I was telling the truth or not. I wasn't exactly going to Texas to be careful.

Being careful was the last thing on my mind.

"I will see, if you do something stupid," Alice threatened me before she wrapped her tiny arms around me.

_I'll keep an eye on her, even if you don't want me to._

"Only in regards to Victoria, "I warned.

"Nothing else"

"You will check in," Jasper demanded again.

"Sure," I muttered.

"Promise," Esme smiled sadly.

_I don't want to lose my son_

I nodded.

"I promise."

They turned to the car, only leaving Carlisle at my side. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a fatherly hug.

His thoughts had been reserved so far. He didn't disapprove of my hunt. My tracking expedition. He was just worried about me going alone.

"You know I'll be able to take her," I tried to assure him.

_Yes. But what if you don't find her_, he wondered.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

"Maybe someone should keep an eye on Forks," he said.

_Just in case…_

"NO!!" I warned. "We're going to stay away. I promised…_her"_

"What happens after you kill Victoria? Assuming you will succeed," Carlisle wondered as he released me from his arms.

I sighed, trying not to think about the hollow waiting for me when I'd deal with my brief distraction from the emptiness. When the temporary business of keeping Bella safe from a distance would no longer protect me from my depression.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it,_ too_."

* * *

**I know this is long overdue. I am not going to come up with excuses. Some observant people know about my other activities across the web, some may have waited patiently and all I can tell you know, I am back and committed to update on this story at least once every month, but hopefully a little more often than that. **

**This is one of those chapters where not alot is really going on in terms of big revelations, but it was necessary to get Edward's show on the road. He's off to Texas now. **

**Thank you for your support!**

**Happy New Moon Release weekend :)**

**PS: First lines: From Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move"**


	12. Boarding Time

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ****©2009 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 7: BOARDING TIME**

_"I said goodbye to all my friends  
And packed my hopes inside a matchbox  
'Cause I know it's time to fly"_

1571 miles. Give or take.

The distance between Denali and Vancouver.

For a human it would take about two days to travel those miles by car.

Of course, on a plane you'd be there in no time.

But I needed the solitude and freedom of my car a little while longer before I'd give in to the crowdedness of airports and airplanes. Driving was easy, I could basically do it with my eyes closed and still be able to keep the car steady.

At a speed of 200 miles per hour I was clearly breaking speed limits, especially since I needed no stops for sleep or toilet breaks and I was well fed from my hunt the night before. No one was going to stop me. And no one did. I was abiding traffic laws as I drove.

The roads were less crowded than I had expected around this time of night. It was rush hour given the time of day and yet I found myself in no traffic jams. Thankfully.

I made it near Vancouver after nine hours precise. It could have been eight, had I not been forced to pull over twice.

I had Alice and her visions to 'thank' for that.

A distraction from the little concentration I had managed to hold onto ever since I had left Denali. It'd obstructed the need I felt to break free. To flee from my family.

Because like the coward I was, that was basically what I had done. Fleeing them.

Fleeing everything that reminded me of what it was like to have an existence that almost resembled a life.

I was escaping them and their pity. And maybe a bit of my own, always reflecting in their eyes and minds as well.

But who was I to blame my family for my own choices. My own behavior. They were as much better off this way as I was.

I felt relieve that Jasper hadn't pushed to come along and join me in my quest to find Victoria. That would have been too much. I had kept away from Jasper back in Denali, knowing I couldn't bear his guilt over what had happened at Bella's birthday. We'd left things on better terms, but I wasn't certain if I wouldn't snap at him if he'd be around me all the time. It was better that we weren't going to find out.

Now that I was alone, it was very tempting to deepen my solitude, to indulge my desperation and summon her like I had done before.

Since I had left Denali, I'd been afraid, so afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my mind from faltering. _Cheating _again.

I obviously longed to. In the last twenty-four hours, as the plan to go and track Victoria – and hopefully find and kill her too – I barely had the chance to conjure up the beautiful angel in my mind.

The absence of the mirage had gained me what little concentration I could muster, ensuring to keep the black hole of depression backed away enough for me to actually function and pursue this new found purpose.

Keep Bella safe.

It was easier to think her name in context to her safety. After all, I'd been her vampire angel, her protector before. Before we'd ever been together. And now, as a thin layer of something fragile covered the hole in my chest, I could maintain the role of the martyred selfish hero a little while longer.

Long enough to find Victoria and make sure she would never come near Bella.

Long enough to make sure I'd deal with Victoria before she could come near Bella and I'd be forced to protect her up close and personal.

Back in Forks.

_"What happens after you kill Victoria? Assuming you will succeed"_

Carlisle's words echoed in my ears. It was a valid question, of course.

What was I going to do?

I had a purpose now and it would serve me for a short period of time, hopefully. But also, tragically.

I was hopeful because I wanted Victoria ripped and burned and I knew that the moment I get my hands on her, I find small satisfaction in her death. I also knew it was wrong to relish in it, but with what little satisfaction I felt nowadays, well make that none – I couldn't bring myself to care about the delicious cruelty I felt when imagining ripping Victoria to pieces.

But then…there was certain sadness, something tragic. There was also a part of me, hoping this feeling, this purpose would last me a while longer than mere weeks. I needed longer; I needed the feeling of not being utterly useless a little while longer.

Bella's safety _versus _my sanity.

Well, I had already lost my heart so it was a small price to pay to lose my mind completely as well in order to make Bella safe as soon as possible.

I owed her that much.

My phone buzzed again. Third time Alice…it started to seem like she was stalking me.

The first time she had called, I had picked up reluctantly. I had been hopeful and worried that maybe she'd have new information and so I couldn't ignore her, no matter how much I wanted to.

Hopeful, because I needed more information on where to find Victoria. But also worried because I didn't want to hear Alice tell me I was way off track in finding her.

As it turned out, Alice was only updating me on the whereabouts of my family.

She'd wanted _to chat._

I'd hung up after twenty seconds. Which could've been fifteen less had she not pretended to have some new information about Victoria.

She had tricked me, that little sister of mine.

The second time I had tried to ignore the call, knowing she was playing me, but my curiosity – who knew I still had some left in me – got the better of me and I had – again reluctantly – picked up, hissing her name as I pressed the green button.

"Alice ..."

"Edward, I just had a vision…"

Right, like I hadn't heard that one before.

_And then some,_ I'd thought wryly.

"Alice," I had muttered, "if you start chirping about how beautiful the trees are at wherever you guys are driving now, I will block all your calls," I'd threatened.

She had bit her tongue and ignored it. "I see something red, like before. Her hair I think. I did see a flash of a road sign. Definitely a Texas sign. I checked with Jasper," she had explained hastily, seemingly hoping I wouldn't hang up on her again.

And I hadn't because she had sounded sincere. But it was little new. Little new to go on.

"That's all?" I had asked quietly.

"So far. What's the travel plan?" she'd inquired.

"I am nearing Vancouver, will be at YVR in less than two hours. My flight for Dallas leaves at nine pm. I'll rent a car there and be on my way heading north–east just early tomorrow morning." I had told her.

"Look, Alice. I need more than a road sign. All I have is _Ouachita Mountains _right now and mind you, that's a large area to cover and doesn't just cover Texas either," I'd said.

_"_I know. I'll try to get more," she had promised before I'd told her goodbye before hanging up.

Okay, so this second conversation had lasted a little longer than twenty seconds.

Now my phone was buzzing. A text this time. Which I was thankful for, because I still had a hard time talking to my family knowing they weren't just inquiring and keeping track of my whereabouts but also my state of mind.

I had no lust to be lectured about it.

When talking to them I felt like I owed them more. So much more than the short answers and conversations I was giving them right now. It was better to keep contact to a minimum, even if I was letting them down. I was a disappointment anyway.

I opened my phone and read the text.

**Your flight will be delayed an hour. Sorry.**

Damn it.

I was fairly certain I had uttered that word aloud. An hour was long, especially when one was impatient. Impatient and not very good with killing time.

It was 7.00 PM now. Three hours to kill before I'd be on my way again.

I pulled up at the airport's underground parking lot, feeling a little strange for leaving the Volvo there. Alice had assured me the family would find a way to make sure the Volvo would end up in Ithaca.

I think the family assumed it would give me incentive to join the family eventually.

I didn't want to disappoint them, but since I always did, it seemed certain there was no possible way I was going to end up on Ithaca.

Besides, I didn't care about the vehicle that much.

The only thing I cared about now was getting on my way, making sure I'd find Victoria.

And then, kill her.

Everything after that was on hold. Not because I had no idea what would happen to me after I had dealt with her.

I simply had no desire to plan anything after that.

My future was now. As was my purpose. Everything after that was black.

Pitch black.

Empty.

***

The benefits of having a vampire mind were, that at times like these when I needed to be quick on my feet to act on what needed to be done, I didn't need much time to plan.

The downside was that when something went wrong, something beyond my own power or doing, I could do nothing but swallow my impatience and hope for the best.

I'd never been good at swallowing my impatience. Nor at hoping for the best.

Especially now.

Since Alice's text had tipped me off, I was rationally prepared to wait an extra hour for takeoff to Dallas when I arrived inside YVR, Vancouver's International Airport.

Silly me for forgetting to prepare for the noises, the words.

The sentences, the mania.

The minds that were attacking me immediately.

_Crap. I am running out of time. Where the hell is Gate 15?_

_Where's Timmy? He was just playing near the baggage carts. I take my eyes off him for two seconds and he's ran off again....Oh, there he is...I am going to..._

_Omigod, he is almost here. Brian is almost here. Arrival 4 in fifteen minutes. It's been months. I can't wait to see him._

_Few more steps. Just have to get through customs. Then I'll be fine. No one's gonna know what I am carrying in my briefs._

_Oh no_. With the peace and quiet of the Alaskan area, I'd almost forgotten the sounds and swirls of the human mind, but here it was inescapable.

Unbearable.

If it would have been the least bit appropriate, I would have screamed. If my body would be weak enough to be burdened by headaches, this would have become a full blown migraine.

I tried to ignore the whispers, the noises and all the activity around me as I headed for the check-in counter.

The ground attendant was a woman in her early forties, doing more than checking in the small carry-on bag Alice had forced me to take just before I had left – she had basically left a bag in the trunk of the Volvo.

I suppose she couldn't even permit me to stick to wearing one outfit when I was half across the country from her. I think someone – maybe Jasper or Esme – had managed to rein her in and explain clothing would probably be the last thing on my mind when I was hunting Victoria, so she had actually kept my luggage to a minimum. It was not like I cared about clothing the way I used to care about my appearance.

Susan, as the ground attendant was named, flashed me a – what I assumed was a seductive smile.

I wasn't trying to focus on her mind but I couldn't circumvent it. She was thinking of several ways to flirt with me.

_My oh my. He is quite a looker. I wonder if he's available. Looking like that, he probably isn't._

It was almost humorous; it reminded me of how Mrs. Cope usually fanned herself over me. But it ached to have this woman in front of me think about my relationship status and so I tried to tune her out as much as I was eager to tune out the rest of the murmur around me.

I was glad when she handed me my ticket, explaining to me where my seat in first class was and that she was going to alert me when it was time to move to the lounge for first class boarding time because that area was being cleaned and wouldn't be available until an hour before takeoff.

I wasn't certain how she was going to find me, but her mind seemed determined to make sure she kept a certain eye on me - I couldn't phantom how but didn't care enough to ask.

As I made it through customs – the male customs official was less forthcoming with his thoughts and friendly tone, he was actually curt and almost impolite. Apparently suspicious on how I looked the way I did.

Another person and mindset I could care less about.

I took a seat in one of the horribly plastic lounge chairs of the larger departure hall, debating if I should simply move closer to the gate or wander a bit. It wasn't so much that I wanted to walk around – people were already assaulting me with their looks and thoughts – but I still had two hours to kill before takeoff to Dallas.

For a brief moment I contemplated why I didn't just drive from Denali to Texas, but that would take me at least 4 days and this was still faster. Plus, with the unlimited resources we had to travel, there was no need to get uncomfortable.

Or rather, _more _uncomfortable as I already was, sitting here in the crowded departure hall for at least another hour before the more closed off, hopefully deserted first class lounge would be available.

Until then, I supposed I could wander

I was about to get up and _reluctantly_ head to the duty free shops to pass some time and maybe buy myself a book for the flight, find anything to distract me, when my phone rang.

Alice. _Again. _

She was seriously and undeniably stalking me. If I had been my old self I would have either teased her or called in help and then tease her about that. Not to mention how annoyed it would have made me feel. Actually, I was annoyed now too, so there wasn't much different about that compared to how I felt about her before we had left Forks.

"What?" I spat too loudly, causing a few stares in my direction.

Fantastic. More people watching me.

I was too loud. I was definitely losing the ability to be stealth.

"Nice to talk to you too..." she retorted without a hint of anger.

"Is this a social call, or did you have another vision?"

I could hear her sigh dramatically on the other side of the line.

"Alice," I pressed.

"You are all alone," she explained. "Waiting for an extra hour. I figured you could use someone to talk to," she murmured.

It was a kind gesture and yet, I wished she hadn't. I was fine here, alone. Without someone to converse with. The voices internal and external were already wearing me down. And I really didn't know what to say to her anyway.

"I am fine. There's no need to keep me busy," I assured her wryly.

"Too much time without a sole purpose. It could get tricky, Edward. You might...you know...allow your mind to wander and well..."

She didn't finish her sentence, but I knew what she was getting at.

Too much time on my hands would irreversibly allow me to fall back into my new habit of cheating. Day dreaming of images that were no longer mine to dream about.

"Alice. I am fine." I stated again, hoping she would take the hint and hang up.

Somewhere, buried deep inside me I hoped that maybe this tracking expedition and the purpose it served would reconnect me with my family to a point where I'd be able to handle their concern and their company better.

Maybe the end result, Victoria's demise would give me a certain peace of mind. Maybe that would make me more tolerable.

Though, it didn't seem likely. I was already avoiding the idea of joining them in Ithaca, and whether or not my family would bring the Volvo there as some sort of reason to force me to go there after I dealt with Victoria, it didn't make a difference.

Just like a chat with Alice right now, wouldn't.

I knew I was being unfair, that all of them tried to help me and cared for me. But seeing that love and concern transpired in their words, gestures and actions made me feel all the more unworthy.

And it was a bitter and confronting thing to face. Because I was unworthy. Unworthy of my family.

Unworthy of Bella.

Not in the least because I was allowing myself to wallow in self pity. Which then turned into self disgust. This aggravated me up until a point where I desperately wanted to turn off my phone and simply never answer it again.

"Edward?" Alice asked. "Are you ignoring me?"

_Yes. Take the darn hint Alice._

"Look, Alice, this is going to become a very monotone conversation if you keep asking me if I am alright and I keep telling you I am," I told her.

Even though I am far from. Alright. That was overstating my feelings.

I was alert at best. Occupied.

"Fine," she agreed on the other side of the line. "Will you call when you arrive in Dallas?"

"I'll see..." I hesitated.

"Edward," Alice started.

I sighed. "Fine. I'll call."

"Good. The family wants to know how you are doing. Emmett called and I told him about your plan. He was pretty pissed you didn't wait for him to return. He wanted to take the first flight back from Rome, but Rose told him no way. She probably threatened to let him live in abstinence for a while or something," Alice chuckled.

"I'll be fine on my own," I spoke flatly, wondering how many more times I was going to have to tell her I was fine before she'd hang up.

It sounded more unbelievable every time the sentence rolled of my tongue.

"Well, if you need any of us. _Call!"_ she practically demanded.

"Yes, you call too when you have something new for me," I said quietly.

As the words escaped my lips another wave of selfishness hit me. My family was only allowed to contact me when it would benefit me. Not once had I wondered how they were. How Alice was going to execute her plan of tracking down her family with James' video.

But if I asked, I'd give them hope. Expectations I'd never be able to live up to. So it was better to keep quiet and be repelled with my selfishness.

I was about to hang up, when Alice spoke.

"Maybe it won't be so bad…" she whispered. "Maybe it will comfort you to see her."

_What?_ I was suddenly interested in what she had to say.

_See her_. See Bella. How? Did Alice mean I should go to Forks? I knew she wanted to go back or if she couldn't, at least keep better tabs on Bella. But I couldn't imagine she wanted me to do the same. Then again....this was _Alice._

"See her?" I choked, unsure if I actually wanted to know the answer.

"You know," Alice explained. "Like you did before. Close your eyes and envision her," she clarified.

Oh, she meant the cheating. It was strange how defeated I felt at her suggestion. Not only because I knew what it did to me when I closed my eyes and pictured Bella, but also because for a moment I had been lost in the idea of going back to Forks, even if it was to make sure Bella was still safe.

I was not that far away. Ferry from Vancouver to Seattle, driving the rest of the night…I'd be in Forks before morning. Only to see if she was alright. Only to make sure the things under her floorboards were still there.

Only to…

_Stop! _

I had to reign myself in before I'd allow my mind to snap and make some horrible mistake.

This was too easy. All I had to do was close my eyes and allow the horrible pain to transfer into a sweet intoxicating sensation. If only for a moment I could allow myself to get lost in her smile. Her voice. How wonderful it would be to pass the time that way.

Only for a few moments. I wouldn't harm Bella with that. Only myself.

But Alice was wrong. It wasn't comforting in the least.

The idea of seeing Bella, through my memories or maybe even in person send a guilty thrill through my entire body. The empty black core inside me crippled by pain and numb because I'd been distracted enough to feed the cutting edges, roared and I could hear the imaginary tearing ringing in my ears.

It was so stupid to even think about this. It wasn't exactly beneficial to my mental stability and definitely fed the lack thereof.

I couldn't allow myself to go there. Not right now. There would be plenty of time after I'd get rid of Victoria.

"I can't do that," I muttered, not even caring if Alice was still listening, and hung up.

I switched my phone off completely, wanting no more distractions. If Alice needed to reach me for something that was actually important, I'd find out when switching the phone back on.

Passing time, sitting in the crowded lounge I eyed the walls, the several clocks with international times, the boarding times changing on the flight board.

It was all so feeble.

These people, all going somewhere, waiting for someone. They were lucky and unlucky at the same time. Their fragility was one thing, the only thing fascinating to me.

I heard their minds, their hopes and expectations all wrapped into a neat little package of words dancing in their heads. It should have been comforting or maybe distracting at a time long lost.

Instead it was painful. Painful to see people go about their way, have a life. Have choices and make decisions.

Rationally, I had those choices too, albeit in a different context. But what good did the power of decision do me when the only decision that mattered was the one causing me so much heartache.

Looking around me – I really had nothing better to do and it kept my senses alert and not straying to the idea Alice had planted into my head – I noticed a young woman, sitting a few seats away. I couldn't see her face because she was deeply concentrated on the book she was reading.

_Wuthering Heights. _

The title threw me a little. I knew it was one of Bella's favorite books and I suddenly had a flood of images and things to remind me of her. Like the lady with the deep blue sweater a few seats to my left. The color didn't look that great with her bronze suntanned skin. It looked much better with a creamy translucent complexion.

Like Bella's.

Or the woman to rows in front of me, who was listening to music on her IPod, seemingly completely entranced, the way Bella would get when listening to music.

The woman with the book resembled Bella far more. She had chocolate colored hair, though it didn't seem shiny and velvet like Bella's. But I wasn't close enough to feel so I had no idea of knowing its texture.

Or how it smelled. There were so many aromas in the air, the scent of blood flowing being one of them, but it didn't make me thirsty one bit

If I moved a few seats, then I'd be closer to compare to see if the girl with book, whose hair color resembled Bella's, would smell like her. Only the faintest hint of course, if any because no one smelled like Bella.

And then I could maybe see the girl's eyes. I already knew they couldn't be as deep as Bella's and that I would drown in them, but maybe...

_Stop!_

What was I thinking? I was going to stalk some stranger and sniff her hair? Look into her eyes to find a resemblance of something I had purposely left behind.

It seemed I was definitely losing my mind.

Keeping myself in check – well just barely - I sat there. Hoping time would move faster, knowing it wouldn't. I closed my eyed, but that didn't do me good.

Or maybe it did, because as I shut my lids, her smile was there, Enticing me, inviting me to call out her name so she could whisper back to me.

_Edward… _

_Yes, _I wanted to answer._ Yes, love I am right here. I'll come home to you. I love you, I..._

_"Mr. Cullen?" _a voice near me hesitated as my eyes snapped open; looking into a pair of eyes I had seen before, though they weren't exactly familiar. I was slightly taken aback by the fact I had not hear her approach.

It was Susan, the ground attendant from earlier, who came to tell me the lounge for first class was available since we were less than an hour away from takeoff and it was all clean.

This was good. I knew the lounge wouldn't be busy. It would probably be less than crowded, the only ones traveling in first class being the people who could afford it.

And I was right as I entered the area. The lounge was empty and I knew that passengers traveling first class were likely to end up arriving just before boarding.

An hour later, we were finally up in the air. I was sitting alone and first class was only half full. I had to fight off both female and one male flight attendant by declining any refreshments and shutting my eyes in pretense to be sleeping.

Which wasn't that far off, because like before, Bella's face was there , dancing before my closed eyes, her voice filling my head, the entire flight.

Less than five hours later, early morning in Texas, I arrived in Dallas. I resented having to kill my faux slumber and bury my mirage, because the paint left behind was choking me. I almost welcomed the distractions of having to follow the right order of going through customs to depart the busy airport.

As soon as I was nearing the exit of Dallas International Airport, I searched for a car rental service, hoping there would be something fast for me to rent.

I was out of luck. The clerk only had an old Nissan left, which didn't go faster than 90 miles per hour, which would mean that it would take me at least half a day to reach the mountain peak of the Ouachita Mountains, if Victoria was still there, of course. And that wasn't much to go on anyway, because the area was broad and I had no hint as to where Victoria would be right now. Or rather, in approximately six hours from now.

"Good luck," Chuck, the clerk told me and I nodded in response, not wanting to be rude or draw attention to myself.

I took the keys, my small bag and made my way to the car.

I got in, dropping my bag on the back seat and started the engine.

The purr was brusque, harsh. Old. But not faltering, so it was probably quite the strong car, being able to handle plenty of mileage.

This was what I needed, which made me forgive the fact it was not fast. As soon as I was on my way, I flipped my phone back on.

It rang almost instantly.

Alice. Who else…

"Now what?" I answered coldly.

"Nice to speak to you, too" she spat back.

"Tell me you know where I am supposed to go," I requested dryly.

"I am fine, thanks for asking. We are making nice progress and Carlisle expects us to be in Ithaca tomorrow," she ignored my question.

"Alice," I warned. "Tell me where I have to go next. Tell me you have something."

"Victoria is not easy to get a hold of, mentally speaking. I keep getting these half flashes. But nothing in a concrete and obvious package," she explained

"So I just head north-east and hope to catch her?" I muttered.

That was going to be unpractical and time consuming.

"Remember the road sign I saw in my previous vision?"

"A road sign isn't much more to go on," I intervened. "Texas is big." I added redundantly.

"Hold your skepticism, Negative Nelly. Jasper and I did some poking at my brain and I could envision the sign pretty clearly."

"_And?"_ I pressed.

"Sulphur Springs. I see flashes of a car and a driver with a Dallas Cowboys cap. I think she did some hitch-hiking near Dallas and caught a ride."

"Heading towards Sulphur Springs. When was this?" I asked.

"Can't be that long. I think she was near Dallas for a while, maybe to feed. More variety in snacks there, I suppose." Alice said wryly.

"But now, she seems to be heading back to the more rural, secluded safety of the mountains," she continued to ponder.

"And Laurent?" I wondered.

It would be a lot easier if I only had Victoria to focus on. It wouldn't be that difficult to fight off Laurent if I had to, but I'd preferred having no more distractions.

"No idea. I really think he was just a trigger in my vision. I don't know if he is with her now. Maybe he is waiting in Sulphur Springs. But no new visions about him." Alice told me.

"Alright, so I go to Sulphur Springs then," I stated and wanted to say goodbye and hang up.

"Don't hang up!" Alice warned. Of course, she could see every move I made.

"It was a little touch and go at the airport, wasn't it," she questioned, her tone slightly accusing.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I said.

Of course I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had almost crossed a very dangerous line.

I wasn't thinking about the brown haired girl now. The focus was back on what was important. My newfound purpose. But at the airport in Vancouver, when time had caught up with me and I had been closing the distance between sense and insanity, I had come close to connecting to a human who reminded me of better times, better places and better company.

The best company.

"I wasn't going to harm the girl," I whispered, shame evident in my voice.

Alice signed. I could almost hear and see her shake her head. "I didn't say that you would. I just meant to point out you had a hard time. Which happens especially when you're alone, Edward. I could almost feel you wavering. You were close." Alice pointed out.

She was right, of course. I couldn't even deny it. I was a mess when I was alone. At least, I was a mess when I didn't have a purpose. Then again, I was also a mess when I did have a purpose, as it turned out. Still, for the sake of my own sanity and to make sure my family wouldn't worry and leave me alone like I wanted them to, I had to make sure I'd make no more mistakes around humans.

Not that there was a bigger mistake then the one I had made a year ago.

Introducing myself to Bella Swan.

How close I had been to leaving the airport, and take the ferry to Seattle. It would have taken me less than 12 hours to be back home.

_Home. _

I sighed, hating how the pain I tried to keep at bay managed to suck the unnecessary air out of me. To cut through my limbs, my skin, my dead insides.

Leaving the hole empty and aching to be filled with the love of the woman I had left behind.

"Edward," Alice called softly.

I didn't answer.

"Edward. I know you want to do this alone, but Jasper would be more than willing to help."

Unlike a few hours before, before I had allowed myself to cheat again. It was tempting in more ways than one now. Having someone beside me would be helpful when it came down to a fight between Victoria and me. Maybe Laurent too if he was still with her.

Plus, Jasper knew how to control a mood. I was certain he could effectively help me to remain in check. Make sure I wouldn't stalk my memories by following things – and people – who reminded me of everything back in Forks. Allow me to close my eyes to cheat.

Not to mention Jasper knew Texas like the back of his hand. That would certainly come in handy.

But then I remembered how the scars on his face made evident how well he knew Texas. They were the bitter reminders of all the gruesome things he had experienced there.

Like the scars tearing me up inside. We both had our reasons to leave our homes behind.

And that was why Jasper couldn't help me. I wanted to go home and shouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to Bella. To my family who I had so abruptly dragged away, even if I hadn't forced them. I'd made them give up on a home, a life and a daughter and sister.

And so I owed it to them and more importantly, I owed it to Bella to stay away from Forks.

Jasper couldn't go home either. His scars showed the reasons why. It would be traumatizing and I didn't want to put him through that. The guilt he felt about what had happened to Bella at her birthday was already enough for him to deal with.

Something I could not make better, because a part of me, the most selfish part – acknowledged his guilt and believed it was deserved.

Also, I needed Jasper to stay with Alice, like Carlisle stayed with Esme and Emmett with Rosalie. There was no reason for them to be separated.

"Jasper stays with you." I finally spoke, "I'll be fine."

"You keep saying that, but how long will it be until you decide to assault someone because they remind you of Bella," Alice said angrily.

"It won't. I'd never do that," I shot back.

"Fine, maybe not. " Alice softened again. "But what about the desire to go back to Forks," she asked warily, probably wanting to be careful to not give me more ideas.

"That won't happen either," I added brusquely and ended the call.

I'd been close today that was true. Close to chasing old dreams. But I had been able to stop myself and now my mind was entirely focused again.

Because in spite of the fact I couldn't go home, there was no reason I couldn't protect it from afar.

Protecting Bella without breaking my promise. Protecting my sanity by distracting myself.

I passed a sign that said "Welcome to Texas. Drive friendly, The Texas way"

I felt my lips curl up into a small smile. It wasn't a happy one, but one of determination.

Victoria. I was going to find her. And she was going to die. And not in the Texas friendly way.

* * *

**That Edward. He's kind of losing his mind and it'll only get worse, the closer he gets to finding Victoria, or rather – failing at finding her.**

**The chapters won't always be as long as they usually are, some things can't be dragged on, and that would start to make them boring.**

**Edward's going from a catatonic state, to having conjured up Bellussions as I call them, to now actually want to stalk his memories through people who surround him. It's a little creative freedom; because all we really know is that he thought of Bella constantly and that he tried and track Victoria but sucked at it. He fares better (aka acts more sane) when he is busy, so hopefully that will give a balance to 'normal' Edward and emo-Edward who is close to losing his mind.**

**I continue to have the Cullens in this story as well, though their parts are more limited when Edward's not around. Alice, that little pixie is around the most. **

**So why is Edward travelling to Vancouver first and not flying to Texas from Alaska? Plot device. Vancouver is not that far from Forks and it's like a leading thread in Twilight, where Edward wants to take Bella away to Vancouver at first and then tries to chase James there. He is chasing memories as much as he is chasing Victoria. Plot device, like I said.**

**The first lines are from a Led Zeppelin song: "Night Flight"**

**You can also follow me on Twitter: Twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion.**

**As always, thanks for your support. R&R please.**

**Happy weekend. **


	13. Texas

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 8: TEXAS**

"_Well it really doesn't matter  
Which way I wanna go  
'Cause the night is fallin'  
And I'm a long long way from home  
I am a long long way from home, yes I am"_

I pushed the off button with force, almost breaking the radio. Why was country music so darn depressing...

I should've enjoyed the silence instead of wanting to break it with some generic music but the time after hanging up on Alice in Dallas and driving to Sulphur Springs, had been spend in so such silence it had started to drive me mad. For a change of thoughts and sounds I had tried the old radio, believing it would probably not work.

I had been surprised it actually did.

As I had turned it on, I heard a lot of static at first, but when as I started to tune it, I'd found some radio stations, probably all local because they were all playing country and blues music.

So befitting for a broken heart.

I had managed to listen to one entire song, but it was so sad, so incredibly haunting, I had to turn the darn radio off. This was obviously not going to work.

And so now I was dragged back into unwanted muteness, the kind of serenity that allowed my mind to wander and the hole in my chest to burn. Always a reminder of where I had left my heart.

Normally, I would welcome the calm atmosphere of having no minds to attack me and drive me into small insanity. I should have savored it even, since it wasn't easy for me to find this kind of peace.

But the calm and quiet gave me too much time to think about what Alice had said. She was certain I was on the verge of losing my mind and I couldn't completely disagree with her, though for obvious reasons I'd never admit it. I didn't want Alice to be right.

Not just because my sister loved rubbing people's faces in the fact she was all knowing, but also because if she was right, if I was allowing myself to snap, I couldn't be certain what the consequences of that would be for the ones around me.

The longer I was away from Bella, the more I was starting to allow my mind to bend and stretch the lines of sanity.

The border between being sensible and going crazy. There was definitely a fine line there and it was becoming more delicate with every time I allowed my mind down a certain path of memories.

It had started with one vision, many weeks ago, back in the coolness of the Denali air, where I had heard her voice calling for me. It had been such a surprise, such a wonderful surprise which had thrown me. It had been the beginning of stretching out that one vision, - ironically it had been forced upon by Alice, hoping I would snap out of my depression and leave my solitude behind – to a never ending film of memories and desires.

Alice's intentions had worked in the complete opposite way of what she had tried to accomplish. I had snapped out of one mood and went straight into the other. From basic catatonia to practically hallucinating.

Shrinks would have a field day with this type of thing. I should provide for an interesting case study in more ways than one.

After that one vision Alice had stuck me with I had cheated constantly. It had been easier than I thought. All I had to do was allow the pain to rip me apart first and then, after the worst nagging bite tearing through my insides had subsided I would get my reward. It was so sweet, so incredibly sweet and worth the torment.

The Bella in my mind was almost as perfect as I had remembered her, though never as accurate and radiant as the reality I had come to know. But at least it was something to keep her close to me in a way. Hallucinatory Bella would whisper to me, her soft full lips always keeping my eyes lingering on them. It was glorious up until the point where she asked me to stay.

That was always my reality check, because if I allowed anything beyond that, I'd lose my mind. That's where it usually ended. That's where I would normally snap back into reality. The moment her voice and her pleas would echo inside me, begging me to never leave her, I knew it was my cue. My new reality.

Because I had left her and although that had been solely to protect her, it was still difficult to deny myself the sight of her image, her mirage in my desert of depression, the need for me to stay with her. I couldn't even stay in the moment with a hallucination.

I sighed. The more I cheated, the more my mind poked at the barriers that held together the final pieces of my sanity. The more my thoughts kept bringing her to me. So every moment I was not distracted – and up until I had formed the plan to hunt Victoria I had not had a distraction at all – I saw her.

And every time I believed it couldn't hurt more, it did. I was a junkie, in desperate need for a shot of Bella and the substitute of her mirage image was not enough to hold me over for long. So I summoned her again and again, to satiate the need to see her. The need to numb my pain. But the intervals got smaller. I couldn't hold myself together for long when I didn't have a proper distraction and the more time I had to get lost in my own mind, the more the lines between what was real and what was not began to blur and mesh.

Alice was right, it only made me worse. It had made me want to sniff that young woman's hair at Vancouver International Airport. I had wanted to get close to her because she had reminded me of Bella. I knew it was bad to even allow such thoughts into my mind, but I had no choice. It couldn't be stopped when there wasn't something else to occupy my mind.

But it wasn't like I was a danger to my surroundings. I had been aware that girl was not Bella, no matter how much she looked like her from a distance. And although other people's quirks and characteristics now reminded me of Bella, I wasn't about to go down a slippery slope between what was real and what was surreal.

The fact I saw Bella in my mind at every moment my thoughts would allow her in, didn't change anything. It was mostly very painful to have to deal with the after pain, though so far it hadn't stopped me from going there.

The worst feeling of all was that she was never really with me. That I could never stay in the moment and that I was always alone when I snapped out of it. I could not even hold on to something that was not real.

Not to mention the fact that deep down inside there was a part of me that feared Bella had already gotten over me. It was ludicrous and selfish, because after all, the entire purpose of my departure had been to offer Bella the chance to have a normal life.

I should not even allow these thoughts of jealousy and yet, I couldn't help myself.

Such an odd concept since I had been the one who had left her. Even if she was with someone else now – I really couldn't phantom that thought, that was more painful than the aftermath of a vision – than I had no right to be jealous. I had made my (death) bed and now I needed to lie in it.

This resulted in a need to go back to Forks; it grew bigger with every second that passed and every thought of jealousy and "what would Bella be doing now" that entered my mind.

I knew it was wrong, but it took me every ounce of restraint to stay away. I was not certain how much longer I could keep it up. That's why it was a good thing I was in Texas. Here, I was far enough away from Forks. Going back now wasn't as tempting as it had been in Vancouver. I was sure the change of scenery helped a little. Though my mind was still filled with the desire to go home.

Since the radio had proved to be no distraction and my mind took me places I really shouldn't be traveling, I had been almost happy and definitely relieved to have arrived in Sulphur Springs. At least my prominent distraction was back. For now.

The City of Sulphur Springs was located within Hopkins County, 80 miles East of Dallas.

It had a population of about 15000 and the town centre was small and crowded.

I had been in Texas for a few hours. I had reached Sulphur Springs in an hour, but then, it wasn't easy to track down the mysterious man from Alice's vision.

The vision in which Victoria seemingly had hitched a ride from a trucker.

As soon as I reached the town limits, there was a stir, a different scent in the air. Something foreign, but easily recognizable to my senses.

The smell was undoubtedly not distinguishable for humans, but I knew better.

Victoria was in the area, or had been anyway.

This was a small victory. At least I was on the right track.

The scent was still just a hint in the air but it was strong enough to lead me somewhere.

I drove around for a bit, following the scent, but never it remained a hint in the air, I never found a stronger, more penetrating fragrance to lead me.

Someone, more specifically a vampire – likely to be Victoria- had been around town but had not stayed long enough for me to find a proper lead.

I realized it was better to continue afoot if I wanted to catch a stronger smell.

I parked the old Nissan at a crowded parking lot in front of a Piggly Wiggly supermarket - which was situated close to the town centre- finding it fitted in quite well between the other slightly rusted and dusty cars. At least it would probably not get stolen here.

I briefly missed my Volvo.

The parking lot was crowded with people; old and young and I tried to blend in and act casual. The last thing I needed was to draw attention to myself, I already stood out here with my "pale" complexion and I caught a few people staring as I walked by.

There was no way I was going to be stealthy and use my super speed to follow the scent. I need to walk and act like a human. Fortunately it was easier to pick up the scent here, despite the fact the air was tainted with CO2 emissions, dust and lots and lots of voices. Most of them impatient and layered with thick Texan accents.

I crossed a street following the scent of something barely traceable by the human senses but prominent and threatening to me. My mouth was already filling with venom and I needed to repress the need for my muscles to stretch into defense and force my body to spring into a crouch.

That would probably draw lots of attention to me, so I berated myself to concentrate on the scent and not on the automatic signs and warnings my body gave me.

My concentration was growing, as I tried to ignore the sounds around me. The scent led me to the south side of the town centre, where it grew stronger.

Of course, then my phone rang. I briefly contemplated on hitting the ignore button or just switching it off again.

It kept ringing and the sound was causing people to look my way, some curious, others irritated that I wasn't picking up.

I was drawing attention to myself now, that was for sure.

I sighed and pulled my phone out of my pocket, checking the display to learn it was my father.

"Hello?" I picked up, my voice strained. I wasn't in the mood for this, plus, now that I finally had a lead, it was bad timing as well.

I knew exactly why he was calling. I was certain he had spoken to Alice.

"Hello Edward. How are you son?" Carlisle asked pleasantly.

I had the strong urge to tell him I was fine, because it was easiest to keep it at that and not elaborate any further. I knew he was just exchanging pleasantries to get to a certain point – which probably had everything to do with whatever Alice had told him about my difficulties at YVR.

I decided the best way to prevent him from asking me about my well being, was to distract him and redirect the question back to him.

"How's the family?" I asked, hoping I would sound sincere enough.

"We are near Ithaca, a few more hours before we reach the house. Your mother can't wait to start decorating," I could hear the smile in his voice and the love for my mother was radiating, even through the phone. "She is driving with Alice for a while, Jasper is driving with me."

"That's nice," I said quietly.

"She will decorate your room exactly like it was in Forks," he assured me.

_Exactly like it was in Forks_

Nothing would ever again be exactly like it was back in Forks. Besides, I had no idea if I would ever use the room Esme was planning to decorate for me. Except I couldn't tell my father that right now. Not just because I didn't want to hurt his and my mother's feelings but also because I truly had no idea on what I was going to do after I had dealt with Victoria. It was truly a bridge I would cross in given time. Or jump off it in hopes it would crush me. That was always an alternative.

"Have you found any leads to Victoria yet?" Carlisle asked curiously.

"I am following a trace now," I said, keeping my voice low as I tried to find a place where I could have this conversation without the speculating looks from people passing me.

I found a small nook in one of the buildings I passed; it was a back alley, leading to another street. The scent was stronger here, much to my surprise and so I decided to try and find some clues here as soon as the conversation with my father would end. Which might take a while, I was aware.

"She was in Sulphur Springs, which is where I am now. According to Alice's vision some driver with a Dallas Cowboys cap picked her up near Dallas and drove her here. If I can't find Victoria, I might try and find him to find out where he took her."

"You are being careful, aren't you?" he asked warmly.

'We worry about you, you know that," he added before I could answer or redirect the question.

Yes, I was aware of how much everyone seemed to worry about me. This was a family trade, especially for us Cullens. It was always family first for us and Bella had been a part of that. We protected out family against outside threats. And Victoria was definitely an outside thread.

But I couldn't give them the promise I would be careful, since I wasn't certain I wanted to be careful. More than anything I wanted to do the opposite and be very reckless.

After all it was not like I had anything left to lose.

"I'll be fine," I assured him.

"Esme worries, Edward. She is hoping you'll come to Ithaca soon," my father told me.

Not this again. They could wish for my presence all they wanted and liked, but what I needed right now was the space to deal with this. To deal with Victoria and then figure out where I was going to go from there. It made me as selfish as ever, but there wasn't much I could actually take.

"How are Rose and Emmett? Have you heard anything from them?" I asked, hoping to change the subject back to my family instead of having to deal with these comments and feelings my family had. I had no answer and no comfort for any of them, so I might as well keep things abstract and polite. It was all I had to offer.

"They are fine. Emmett wants to come back, especially how that he knows you are chasing after Victoria. You know how eager he always is for a fight," Carlisle chuckled.

I sighed. The last thing I needed was Emmett's help and uncanny ability to say the wrong thing and be completely tactless around me. I was sure I would not be able to take any accidental comments about Bella or Forks and not snap at him. Plus, it was much easier for me to concentrate when I was alone and didn't need to worry about my family.

"I don't need any help," I stated firmly. "I told Alice and Jasper the same. You just stay in Ithaca and Emmett and Rosalie in Europe for as long as they want. I don't need any help." I repeated.

"Well Rosalie is refusing to come back anyway, much to Emmett's dismay. It might take a month or six weeks before they come to Ithaca."

"Good," I murmured.

"Edward," my father started. I knew that tone. That was the tone he used when he was about to tell me something in all seriousness. He let go of all general pleasantry exchanges and was finally getting to the point.

"I understand you need to do this for yourself and your mother and I, and even Alice and Jasper understand you might need this distraction and also the guarantee Victoria won't go back to Forks. We know you want to do this by yourself. But Victoria is strong and you don't know if she has back-up," he said.

"What if Laurent or any other vampire is with her?"

"Don't," I warned. "Don't start this again. I know what I am doing," I assured him with a low growl. "I don't need assistance or baby sitters."

I knew exactly what my father was getting at. This wasn't just another set of vampire muscle he offered, this was a set of vampire eyes, ears and hands to keep me from getting into deliberate trouble.

"Don't you?" Carlisle countered gently. "Alice said you struggled at the airport," he told me.

Traitor. Of course she had informed them about my little almost mishap at the airport. I knew she would. I just wished my father would not have brought it up.

"Nothing happened," I muttered. "There were a lot of people there, a lot of minds I couldn't escape. It got a little overwhelming to deal with."

More than a little. The woman, the brown haired one who had reminded me of Bella. I would've gotten much too close to her, only to get a small whiff of a past I had given up on if I hadn't snapped out of it in time.

But like I had assured Alice, I would have never hurt her. I mean, I wasn't stupid to get into trouble like that. I knew how to keep my distance. I had done that most of my existence. I would have been able to rein myself in on time.

Or would I? Was I really losing it?

"Edward," my father woke me from my reverie. "If you need help, please ask for it. We don't want to make things difficult for you, we don't want to hound you by asking you how you feel constantly, but we can't just leave you be either," he explained.

"I don't want or need you to worry. It's not like I have never been out on my own," I reminded him.

There had been a time where I had strayed from my family. Where I had defied Carlisle's philosophy and went about immortal life on my own and in my own way. I had been tired of the diet of animal blood and chosen to play judge and executioner for those who committed vile crimes against humanity by taking their lives and indulging in my own need for the thick sweetness of human blood.

That time had been the darkest in my life, well before now. What I had done back then was inexcusable but my family had welcomed me back regardless, just like they would now if I did end up in Ithaca, I was certain of it.

"I remember that time, yes," Carlisle said. I could hear the way he nodded, the flex of muscles in his neck and chin filtering through the phone.

"You think I'll go down that road. That I will go that mad and hurt someone innocent?" I grumbled, getting angry now.

I could hear the sharp intake of air, knowing I was probably not far off with that assessment.

"Of course not. I know you would never hurt someone deliberately," he spoke swiftly, trying to reassure me of his faith in me.

It fell on deaf ears because although I knew my father didn't believe me to be a monster, nor a murderer; he did seem to believe I could accidentally slip into one because my mind was so fragile.

"You think I will slip." I accused, seething.

I knew I wasn't angry because he was wrong about that sentiment. I was mad because he was right and it was confronting to realize my father, a man whose trust wasn't easily earned but permanent once you had it, wasn't certain if I was strong enough to keep it together.

And I was not convinced he didn't have a point.

But then, the idea hurting someone who was innocent was quite ironic anyway?

It was really not a possibility anymore, since I was way passed hurting someone who was innocent. I had already committed the worst crime already by getting close to Bella. Someone who was innocent and who I had hurt time after time because of what I was. It was way past time to worry if there would be innocent casualties involved.

"Edward, we all trust you and know you are honest and fair and that you know better than anyone how to keep your distance," Carlisle started.

"But?" I interrupted, knowing he had more to add.

"But, "Carlisle sighed, like he wasn't very happy with what he was about to tell me, "But, you spend weeks avoiding any kind of contact when we were in Denali, you wouldn't even hunt. I know you have your own way with dealing with things and I would never tell you to do anything differently, but what had changed? The fact Victoria is still alive isn't that much different from months ago, it is just that you are aware of the danger now. And while that danger and the desire to protect Bella might hold you over for the time being, every moment you spend alone is a moment you allow Bella to enter your mind."

He was certainly getting straight to the point now, but then I expected no less from my father. He didn't think it to be healthy that Bella occupied my mind and my actions and naturally – rationally – I knew he was right. It was not healthy.

"I am not wrong about this, am I?" he said. "You have been seeing her, even trying to get to see her in your thoughts, for quite some time now, no?' he wondered.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Edward, I don't want to deny you your ways of dealing with your feelings. But the more you think about her, the more you long to see her. This – if that's what you end up doing – going back to Forks I mean – is something you know the family will support no matter what."

"But Edward, we were all under the impression you had no intention of ever seeing Bella again," he told me.

I could hear the caution in his voice. I knew he didn't want to hurt me by bringing this up. But he had a point to get across and if it meant he had to poke at my broken insides to do so, he wouldn't shun that kind of inflicted pain to make sure I was listening.

"I won't," I whispered flatly, while my insides burned with agony. "I made her a promise and I have every intention of keeping it. But I can't sit back and allow Victoria to get close to Forks. That would defy the entire purpose of why I left."

"I understand," Carlisle said solemnly. "Please don't misunderstand me. I wasn't implying you would slip and go back to Forks, or that it would be wrong or bad if you did. It's just, we all worry about you, son. That's what it all comes down to."

"I need to get back to tracking. I found a good lead here in an alley. I know Victoria isn't here anymore, because Alice said she wasn't lingering in town. But I might find another lead as to where she went," I explained.

"Go on then, I hope you'll be successful. I am certain Alice will call as soon as she finds out something new."

I shut my phone before we could exchange goodbyes.

I took a moment to recollect my thoughts, one deep sigh to get back to what was important. I sniffed the air and found that hint of vampire fragrance again. I followed it through the back alley, which led to a smaller street. The scent continued to get stronger, though it wasn't extremely potent which meant Victoria wasn't close by herself, like Alice had already told me, but she had been around in one way or the other.

The scent was more second hand. Like someone else was carrying it. The question was: who could it be and what did they know?

As I followed the trail, my phone buzzed and I was about to leave it the first dumpster I'd find, there was one coming up on my path, when I saw it was a text from Alice.

Let this be a new lead. Not a new way to keep tabs on me.

**I keep getting ****Big Smith's Bar-B-Q. Must be a bar in the area. Hope you are alright. **

Thank you, Alice. This was useful. And maybe luck finally decided to be on my side, as far as I believed in luck anyway, because as I crossed the smaller street behind the alley, I saw a red neon sign with the words "Big Smith's Bar-B-Q." on them. And the scent was very strong here. Still second hand and not Victoria herself I was catching, but certainly something or someone who had been in contact with her.

I entered the bar, which reeked with disgusting stale beer and old nuts, mingled with the scent I had been tracking. The bar was nearly empty. It was barely past noon, so it made sense most people weren't getting drunk yet. There were a few people at the bar; including a man who was definitely carrying the scent I was looking for. And he was wearing a cap. Though I couldn't see the front to check it was a Dallas Cowboys cap, I was almost certain it was.

His story, which was easy to follow from where I was standing thanks to my super hearing, proved my suspicion that this was the man who had given Victoria a ride.

"She was a fine piece, I tell ya. Purdy red hair and very pale. Like she aint getting enuf sun and all. Not from around the area. Quiet as a mouse, didn't say a word. I felt like a hick in the city by rambling at her. She did smile aplenty though, those chompers were the whitest I'd ever seen," he told his audience.

Alright, so this man had been with Victoria and she hadn't killed him, which was odd. Though, I couldn't be bothered with her sloppiness, since it was proving to be helping me.

I walked closer to the bar and the bartender instantly noticed me, frowning as he took me in. I supposed I wasn't his regular customer with my designer khakis and deep blue v-neck sweater. Not to mention I looked like 'I ain't getting enuf sun' either.

The bartender wore jeans and a simple black t-shirt with the bar's name printed on it. He took me in and then alerted the man whose tall tales were entertaining his customers.

_What the hell do we have here? Pretty boy looking lost._

Good, at least the bartender would believe my charade. Now that I had his attention, I pointed at this Joe person, hoping the bartender would realize I was looking for him.

He did.

"Uh, Joe. I think someone is here to see you," he said while his eyes flickered back and forth between me and 'Joe.'

I approached the bar and stopped right in front of Joe, who eyed me suspiciously.

_Huh, this guy looks like Pretty Red. Wonder if they are family…_

He was much like I imagined a genuine trucker to be, medium build, a belly toppling over his belt, checked dirty blouse, a t-shirt with "keep on truckin' " underneath, his face red with a light stubble.

Joe was about forty years old, I guessed. And definitely the sceptical type. I gathered from his mind that he worked within the Dallas area. His Dallas Cowboys cap told me he liked sports, though more as a spectator than a participant. I wasn't certain on where he lived, but I figured he was from Sulphur Springs since he seemed to be a regular here.

I felt a small tugging at the hole inside me when I realized he reminded me of Chief Swan in a way. He seemed to be very straightforward.

"Whadda ya want?" he asked brusquely. Joe was not the friendly type, especially not with strangers. This was a good thing. It would keep him safe.

"Joe, is it?" I started carefully, "I couldn't help but overhear you talking. I think you met my sister earlier and gave her a ride somewhere," I explained.

_Figured he was family. _

Good, Joe bought that.

Though he kept silent and his dark blue eyes tried to determine whether or not I was really telling the truth.

"Look, sir," I pressed, hoping it would help if I addressed him more formally, "it's important I find my sister. She has run off and we need to get her help," I explained, trying to give off the right amount of worry and anxiety.

I could see the internal struggle Joe had and assessed that he was a good man, because he was willing to protect Victoria from this stranger in front of him. Of course he didn't know the one he was protecting was a vicious monster who could have ripped him to shreds after sucking him dry, but he was a good man, though lacking definite natural charisma.

Joe's brow furrowed as he turned to the bartender. This man, taller than Joe and more athletically build looked at me as if he was wondering if he could take me. Joe was silently asking him to help 'beat my ass up' if the need should occur.

"Joe," I tried again, "I am not here to cause trouble, but my sister, she...she has this disease and needs medication for it. I don't know how long she can go without the pills, but it is very important I make sure she takes them. I am not out to do anything against her will," I blurted out, hoping to sound human enough, but I do need to get to her."

Not so long ago I didn't have any problem with convincing people of my intentions, but now, as I was barely able to keep myself distracted from the pain, the desire to cheat and the longing to end my torture and go home, I was certainly not very convincing. I needed to press, try to poke the barriers of his one tracked barely accessible mind.

"Why should I be tellin' you anythin'? You could be stalkin' that girl for all I know" he finally muttered.

Joe was not stupid, it seemed. His mind may not allow much penetration and wasn't filled with much apart from his fascination with the Dallas Cowboys and spareribs and beer during happy hour in the bar I had just found him. Plus some random titbits I had no use for, but the one thing Joe was definitely not telling me was where he had left Victoria and where she was headed. He was protecting her.

_Some family if they have that girl runnin' off._

"What's it to you anyway?" Joe grumbled.

_Lie, Edward. Just lie. Lie and convince him already. You are a pro at this, _I chided myself.

"Look, sir, she is my sister," I tried. "And my family and I are very worried about her," I added. "Because of her pills, like I just explained. She needs them to function. She is usually fine and my family doesn't mind if she travels the world, but without her pills she could die and it has all of us very worried. "

"Why ya assume I saw her, boy? I don't even know what ya talkin'bout." Joe stated, his thick Texan accent making him sound more accusatory than his words actually meant to be. He knew I had overheard him before when he was bragging to his friends.

Joe didn't trust me and while that was nothing new – humans were simply not very trust worthy of anyone looking like us. Although Victoria probably played nice with him. I was convinced she had no trouble being charming if she wanted to be.

That was probably my real problem. Getting Joe to talk would lead me a little further but so far, I had no way of knowing what Victoria would do. Alice's visions were as helpful as they could be, but I was still more than a few steps behind.

I should have paid more attention back when my family and I had first encountered Victoria, but I had been too busy protecting Bella by focusing on James.

Victoria's had been a wild mind, chaotic and hard to follow. Which was probably why I had a difficult time to find her now. She didn't want to be found.

Besides, since she had been around James for so long, she probably knew how to hide.

Self preservation. She was very very good at that. She would do whatever it would take to stay alive.

I wasn't sure on why she would have chosen Texas to hide. She could have gone to Europe or South America. Why would she be lingering here? What would Texas have to offer, besides a few humans she could kill as snacks?

She was a nomad. During her time at James' coven she had probably seen many places. But right now, being here in rural Texas, it wasn't the place I had pictured her to go to.

"Joe," I spoke," I don't need details, I just need to know where you left her, where she wanted to go," I coaxed.

Joe huffed disapprovingly. "Fine, but this is on yur head, boy, if she gets mad. I left her at Murphy's Oil, a gas station on 1760 S Broadway St. She probably got a ride there with another trucker."

"Thank you, that's helpful."

He gave me a stern look that told me to take a hike now, that he had told me more than enough.

I turned around to leave when Joe called after me. "You better not be hurting her, boy," he warned me.

_Sorry, Joe_, I thought, _but hurting her is going to be the least of what I'll do when I find her. _

_The very least. _

* * *

**First things first. If you want to when I update, you can follow me on twitter: twitter (dot) com (slash) bronzehyperion**

**The song at the beginning is by Stevie Ray Vaughan: "****Long Way from Home"**

**Big Smith's Bar-B-Q**** and the mentioned supermarket and gas station are real locations in Sulphur Springs, TX. **

**Joe is fictional of course and I apologize if I made him a little too stereotypical with the looks and accent. It's fiction and not meant as an insult.**

**Edward in Texas is still a wrecked Edward, but he is trying. He really is not very good at tracking and as much as he hates it, will need his family to help him. We know he won't find Victoria, but his attempts are genuine, even though he is not very resourceful when depressed. **

**The feel I am going for is that while Edward is occupied now, his mind is wavering. He keeps seeing Bella, conjuring her up deliberately, which can only mean his mind, will snap and he'll decide to go back to Forks. Until of course….well…that's where New Moon as we know will kick in again. I am trying to keep the same amount of chapters as new Moon has maybe one or two less because I can't drag everything on forever without it getting tiresome. **

**By all means review :) **

**I wish you belated Happy Holidays (though it still counts today ;) and an amazing 2010. **


	14. Going South

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 9: GOING SOUTH**

_Bring me my whiskey  
I'm checking out  
Gonna be a long time, girl  
I'm going south  
Shot up the mountain  
Robbed that train  
No way out, little girl  
To get away clean_

_Gasoline._

I hated the smell of gasoline.

Of course, as a vampire I hated many smells, because lots of them were so intrusive to our senses, but this one was rapidly becoming one of the worst.

Association by fragrance. Gasoline would forever remind me of Victoria.

Though right now, it proved to be helpful. The irritating stench invading my nostrils gave me the extra drive to find her.

Joe's information had proved to be helpful enough. There was a hint of vampire aroma in the air and it wasn't mind. It was small, barely detectable, but it was there.

Leading me to the gas station Joe had pointed me to.

Murphy's Oil was a gas station on 1760 S Broadway St. It was bigger than I had expected with 5 pumps and two solid buildings, one moderate, the other one smaller. The larger building seemed to contain a shop, while the other one served the purpose of harboring two rest rooms.

I breathed in deep, tasting the aromas of dust and oil in the air. And something else. Something familiar. It wasn't the hint of Victoria's scent that threw me. It was something more severe. More potent.

Something _unsettling._

It weren't just my senses that were on alert. As I parked on the furthest outskirt of the gas station parking lot, I noticed there was a chaos brewing.

At first sight, nothing would look out of the ordinary here, were it not for the fact that it was surprisingly busy. For a second it surprised me that the gas station was crowded.

But then one second was all it took for me to assess the situation. To put together the cause of the commotion.

The place was swatted with cars, probably belonging to locals or people passing through, stopping for gas. That was the normal part. Or would have been anyway.

The abnormality came from the two police cars from the Sulphur Springs Police Department and a country Sheriff vehicle, parked on the curb next to the gas station shop.

It was obvious something had happened. And as I allowed air to hit my senses, I knew it was something bad.

_Blood. _

It was not fresh, but it was there. Heavily mixed with Victoria's smell.

Victoria had hunted.

And murdered.

It wasn't a surprise, though it seemed very callous of her to do this out in the open, in a public place like a gas station. It made me wonder why she hadn't just killed Joe.

It was all very unpractical.

The smell of the blood only hit my throat a little. There was a slight burn of venom, but it didn't make me incredibly thirsty. In fact, it had quite the opposite reaction with me.

I didn't want to hunt. I wanted to run away and hated the fact I couldn't. Well not if I wanted to find out where Victoria had gone.

This was something I didn't want to be a part of, nor be associated with. And since I was a stranger in town, a stranger who had just stepped into a bar, looking like a gigantic outcast a little earlier, I had to be very careful to not draw attention to myself. If Joe would get word of this, I was certain he'd point to the weird guy who had approached him at his favorite hangout.

But blending in or laying low was easier said than done. The whole point of following Joe's directions was so that I could find Victoria. And he had pointed me to here.

_She probably got a ride there with another trucker._

Yes, she probably had. After she'd decided to have a little snack. And I had to find out if she hitched another ride and if so, where it had taken her.

I got out of the car and stalked a little closer to the gathered people. Their thoughts attacked my mind instantly.

I could hear the murmurs; they were easy to pick up. There was a body. With eerily looking marks on its neck, found in the small restroom. A young man, probably easily lured in by Victoria. A convenient pray. Maybe she had pretended to offer him sex but killed him instead to regain her strength. After all, she had been travelling for a while. And I had yet to find out what he purpose of this was, if she was meeting up somewhere with Laurent, for instance. If she was ever planning on going back to Forks. So far she was travelling further away from what Alice's warning vision had displayed.

Victoria was hard to read, literally and figuratively.

As I got closer to the crime scene, the smell of blood and excrement hit my nostrils.

Alright, this was worse than gasoline. I watched three police officers – one of them seemingly a detective, the others lower in rank- and a man in sheriff attire walking around, the sheriff and one officer heading towards the shop, the detective and the other officer going into the rest room, the actual crime scene.

I noticed two other police officers, one male, the other a young woman, simply standing around the perimeter, basically keeping the gathered people at bay, but not actively participating in the investigation.

I didn't really care about the police investigation anyway. I could smell how the blood was rapidly drying up. It didn't make my mouth water. It was stale, not appetizing anymore.

Since it had been a small few hours since Victoria had been near Joe, I figured the poor guy who she had killed for a quick refill was dead less than a two hours. This meant Victoria had been here not too long ago. .

I didn't wonder anymore why she hadn't killed Joe instead of this victim. I didn't care. Joe probably got lucky. And with him had I, because without Joe, I would have never had any clue as to where I could find Victoria.

Unless I called Alice to see if she had a new vision, but I wasn't ready for that yet.

I sighed. This was really bad timing. I almost felt bad for the poor boy who had fallen into Victoria's clutching grasp and her bare fangs, but it wasn't going to help me speed this along.

_Unless…_

I used this poor man's tragedy to my advantage. An idea formed in my head the moment I thought of it.

I needed answers and I needed them fast. And instead of distancing myself from the entire situation, I could use it to get answers. A new lead.

I scanned my surroundings and focused myself on the one female police officer.

She was no taller than 4'9 and her build was just as tiny. Her eyes were grey and her hair dyed an unnatural black. She did not appear unattractive to anyone around her. I for one was relieved she didn't look like Bella.

Thinking of her was accompanied by the normal aching. I hadn't gotten used to it yet, but it helped to be distracted. I didn't allow myself to summon her face in my mind or allow my thoughts to wander down a path of guessing what she would be doing right now.

I tried to focus on the girl; she could be no older than in her late twenties. She looked unpleased, bored even.

Lara was her name, I could tell from her thoughts.

Now…it was time to play overprotective brother to my fictitious and mostly vicious sister.

I approached Lara with slow movements, not wanting her to frighten her but also make sure I'd not draw any extra suspicion to myself. I was already exposing myself too much with this plan.

I had almost reached her when I put my game face on. Overprotective, worried brother…

"Miss, excuse me….miss!!" I called frantically

Lara, the police officer was startled by my voice, by the edge and worry in it. Of course her thoughts became jumbled and all over the place once she looked me in the eye.

Great timing to "dazzle" her. I wasn't here to get my way – well not entirely – I was here to convince her I needed to find my sister.

Alright, so it was essential I'd get my way.

"Uhm…yes…what…what do ya want?" she wondered in a thick Texan accent, her voice stammering. Her eyes were still wide as she looked me over. Her heart started racing as she tried to hold my stare without ogling me.

_Well, hello handsome._

At least the effect of dazzling was still there.

It was a strange sensation. I hadn't really dazzled anyone this much in a while. Of course when I thought of dazzling, I thought of faltering breaths, explosive heartbeats and…

Bella.

I'd never hear her heartbeat again.

The plain thought of that, innocent and uncalculated, hit me with a blow and it took me quite some effort to not allow the internal pain to visualize on my face.

Why was that thought so unnerving. It was a fact. I'd stay away from Bella, so I would never hear her heart beating for me again. Why did it feel like there was more to that thought?

I took a deep breath to let the unsettling feeling fade and focused on Lara with all the effort I could muster.

"What happened here," I asked her, the anxiety still forefront in my mind.

I expected her not to answer me, but I guessed my special dazzling power made her spill information she was probably not supposed to, easily.

"Guy got murdered. Not sure if it's a local yet. Sad, he was young and all. But...that's what you get with wild animals…" she said casually, as her heart was slowing and she could actually look me in the eye without losing her thoughts.

Wild animals. How typical.

"Wild….they ….you have wild animals here?' I feigned shock.

_Well, he certainly aint from around here. Bet he never saw a bear before in his life…_

"Yup," she grinned. "You not from here, huh?"

I allowed a little smile to make her feel more comfortable and shook my head.

"I am looking for my sister. She hitched a ride to here with a trucker named Joe. I met him at a bar and he told me he had dropped her off here," I explained, still sounding slightly panicked.

Lara nodded in understanding.

"Well, I bet she got another ride, before this guy in there got killed," she said confidently as she pointed to the small outer building.

"But you can't be sure," I murmured sadly. "My parents have been so worried. She has this condition and needs medication. We don't even know when she last took her pills," I said in whisper, adding dramatic effect.

_Poor guy, he looks so sad. _

"Well, we only found one body here. So you don't have to worry about your sister being hurt," she told me.

"Well not here anyway," she added quickly as she gave me an apologetic smile.

I took a deep breath, knowing I had an in and needed to execute this properly and fast too. Victoria was having more of a head start by the second.

"Do…do you think…anyone here….would know where she went?" I asked.

The girl in front of me shrugged. "I don't know. I think everyone here is preoccupied with the murder."

Hmm, so Lara was less perceptive than I wanted her to be. Needed her to be.

I had to throw in some extra charm to make sure she'd help me find a single clue as to where Victoria went. I supposed subtlety didn't work on her.

"Can you help me?" I asked softly, flashing her a smile again. "I know you probably have better things to do than help me, but it's important I find her," I said sincerely.

"Coz of her meds?" Lara remembered

I nodded. "Yes. I don't like the idea of her being out there somewhere alone. That won't help with her anxiety. She might lash out and hurt herself or someone else," I said matter-of-factly.

At least that wasn't a lie...

I could see the hesitation. She wanted to help but didn't know if it was appropriate. I was certain one of the policemen inside was her supervisor. She just needed a final push.

"I know it probably goes against the rules and all. I don't want to get you into trouble. Especially not since everyone is very busy with this...animal attack?" I quizzed innocently.

She smiled.

_Man, he is so hot. How can I resist him? Maybe I can slip him my number or help him look or something. Better than waiting for detective Peltzer to give me a task._

Peltzer, her boss. The type of person to treat her like a doormat, I gathered from her thoughts. The type of guy who she'd gladly defy. Much to my benefit. Finally she seemed to understand where I was going with this, even though she didn't know she was being manipulated.

"Maybe the clerk knows something. As soon as the sheriff is done with him, I could ask…" she offered.

That was something at least. But not enough. I couldn't wait for her to wait for someone else.

I tried to be discreet about tasting the air around me, but the more I tried – and it wasn't easy to do this stealthily – to find a hint of Victoria's fragrance, the less it was detectable. It was fading and time was running out.

Maybe it was faith, maybe I was simply lucky, but as I looked over Lara's shoulder I noticed the detective walking away from what seemed to be the shop clerk.

"I…know it's so much to ask, but could you perhaps… ask him now?" I said as I pointed to the shop window.

Lara glanced over her shoulder and nodded. "I guess he's available now."

"What does your sister look like?" she asked me.

I stared at her blankly for a second. Of course, she needed to know that.

_Answer,_ my subconscious demanded. Hesitation makes you look suspicious.

"She looks like me. Her hair is more of a fire-y red though. And long. She's about 5'6"

Lara nodded. "Let me see if the sheriff is done and I'll ask the clerk, okay?"

I gave her a small smile. "Thank you. That means a lot to me," I said.

_Damn, that smile. _

Lara gave me one more look and then took off into the direction of the actual crime scene. I figured I would wait for a few minutes, try and pick up what I could from the clerk's thoughts and answers, before I'd leave this place behind and get on my way.

Victoria already had enough time.

I stalked a little closer, casually trying to mingle in with the crowd that had gathered. I knew I still needed to maintain a certain distance to make sure I wouldn't be drawing extra attention to myself but they were so occupied with the chaos they barely paid any attention to me.

I stood there amongst them, throwing myself to the mercy of a stranger, wanting a waiting for answers I might never get.

Listening to the frenzied minds, the speculative thoughts I found these people were half impressed, but also equally unimpressed with the murder that had taken place at the gas station. It surprised me. For so long my family and I had hided ourselves in a small town, never wanting to be associated with anything sinister, despite the fact our nature was something dark. But this small town, it was divided in its interest, its shock. Some minds were not even the slightest hint of impressed. It baffled me.

With a shock I realized, as I stood there that I hadn't thought of Bella for more a second. I hadn't thought of her for minutes even.

It was a shocking realization, and it was scarily liberating. My heart, my insides, they ached all the time, yearning for days where I had been with her. The memories eating away at me. The everlasting desire for wanting to go back to Forks and claim her as my own. It was all I could think of for days at a time. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks etcetera, it was Bella who took over every thought I ever had all the time.

Until now. I had actually been engrossed in the way I had to play Lara for answers and while it indirectly had everything to do with Bella, she hadn't actually been on my mind for a few small minutes. It seemed like nothing, but it was a lot.

Of course, now every thought on her was back. And with that a certain guilt, since I had actually managed to 'forget' her, albeit for the briefest of time.

That was inexcusable. The pain was my reminder. The memories forever my torment. Her face in my mind was the only reason I still existed. The only thing to ease the pain and to make it worse at the same time.

I tried to distract myself by looking for Lara and her inner voice.

I found her easily, since I had heard it before.

She was talking to Derk, while her boss, the detective had moved his expertise to the rest room where Victoria had killed her prey.

Derk was 20-something, had sand colored hair and a big smile. He was obviously very interested in Lara's attention from the moment she had started talking to him. His thoughts allowed himself step away from the horror for a bit and appraise Lara with the right amount of awe and lust.

Lara, whether she knew what he was doing or not, remained professional and told Derk about Victoria.

"Did you see a red-haired woman here, a little while ago...?" I could hear her ask.

Derk seemed surprised at her question because he blinked a few times and then started fidgeting.

Oh yes, he had seen her. No doubt about it. His body language gave him away.

"I uh....well...look...I didn't know what she was gonna do...I thought that guy was her boyfriend, but when she came out alone... guess she just wanted something quick...it happens all the time," he stammered.

So he had seen Victoria go into the bathroom with her prey. That wasn't good. If a random guy like Derk could be found smart enough to tie Victoria to the guy's murder, Lara would definitely be able to put it together. The last thing I needed was for her to suspect me because my 'sister' has been seen with the victim. That would lead to fictitious questions I would not be able to answer without looking strangely guilty myself.

"Did she say where she was going? Talk to you at all?" Lara pressed with authority.

Derk shook his head, I could tell that much from where I was standing. "Just smiled and approached the guy....in there..." I saw him pointing towards the small space of the rest room, which he was watching through the window with a combination of fear and fascination.

"Where did she go after she came out of the rest room?" Lara asked.

Thank you, at least she was asking the right questions.

Derk frowned and seemed to be thinking. An image of another truck driver, resembling Joe but this one with a more exotic complexion flashed in his mind, along with him a truck. The brand name was foreign, exotic too.

_Mexican._

"Some trucker heading south. Probably Mexico or something."

"What kind of license plate?"

"I don't know. The side of his truck said something like..."Viva Nature" or something..."

Viva Nature. A brand of some kind, perhaps.

"Did you get a good look at the driver?" Lara continued.

Derk shrugged. "I only saw him when he paid. I could see through the window she was already in the truck. He looked sweaty to me. Definitely Mexican though, he barely spoke English. They come here a lot," he said with confidence.

"How do you know he went south?"

_Thank you Lara,_ that was what I wanted to know as well.

"He inflated his tires. Most truckers do that after they have delivered a heavy load somewhere. Makes the tires softer because of the weight."

"How do you know he delivered a load somewhere?"

"To determine the air pressure needed for the tires, there's a device that measures the weight of the truck. It's all electronic."

"Air in the tires had an under pressure, which means the truck wasn't that heavy."

Looked like Derk wasn't a simpleton either. What he said made sense. And was helpful.

Victoria was going south.

"How long ago was he here?"

"Like thirty minutes ago...maybe forty-five. I went to the bath room right after and found the other guy dead...and called you guys. Well...you ain't a guy....but you get what I mean" he mumbled.

"He took the exit to the highway to Dallas. Guess he is going south from there."

I could have waited for more, but didn't. Instead I allowed myself one more glance at Lara, silently thanking her for her help. I sprinted to my car and sped away, leaving suspicion with the onlookers.

Victoria had hitched a ride to the south.

I didn't have much time to plot. If I tried to speed, I'd possible be able to catch up with the truck though a skilled river would have probably neared Dallas by now.

I tasted the air through the open window and while I caught something that resembled Victoria's scent, it wasn't very strong. It was enough for now. It would lead me back to Dallas. But I needed more. She was heading south.

South from Dallas could be Houston, or Austin.

And while my senses were working. It was apparent Victoria's desire for self preservation was very effective. I knew she was very careful to leave a trace and while it seemed like she was slipping a bit, I didn't have much to go on.

I needed more.

And so, in a sense of small frustration to be heading back to Dallas, where I had started, I switched on my phone, forcing myself to call Alice.

I didn't have to go that far.

I already had three new text messages. All from my sister, of course.

**Victoria went hunting, careful you won't stand out too much and raise some sort of suspicion.**

It was dated an hour earlier. Darn, Alice would have seen this coming.

**I know you are ignoring all of us, but this is rather disrespectful.**

**Edward, when you read this, call...please...**

I sighed and decided I really should call. I didn't even have to dial to have Alice pick up.

"Edward!" she nearly yelled in triumph. "Finally, you call! Esme was worried, you know," she scoffed.

"Thanks for the immediate guilt trip, Alice." I muttered.

I could hear her snort. "You're the one who doesn't call and ignores any form of communication. I think I am entitled to point that out to you," she stated firmly.

"And now you have," I grumbled.

"Anything new?" I asked, hoping she would be done with the lectures and move on to helping me out with a fresh vision.

"Why, yes, we are all doing well. Just arrived in Ithaca. Lovely place. Nice climate. Good food," she chuckled.

"I meant a vision, Alice..." I spat.

"Oh, I know what you meant. I just decided not to care and ignore your urgency, the way you do ours. "

"Alice, I spoke to Carlisle a few hours ago. I am certain nothing life changing or earth shattering has happened in those few measly hours," I said sarcastically.

"The world could end in a few measly hours, Edward."

"But it didn't because you are still here to irritate me. So, I'll ask again, any news..."

"Rosalie and Emmett are doing great. Well, as long as Emmett isn't complaining about the locations and the lack of annoys Rose," Alice spoke, refusing to give me the answer and possible information that would proof useful to me.

"Alice..." I threatened. "I will hang up."

"What else is new," she said and I could almost feel her roll her eyes. "You know Edward, you could stop being a jerk for one second and ask about your family, before you start demanding things," she muttered.

"We have been nothing but supportive," she added.

"I didn't ask and yet you told me. What I did ask what for news on a possible vision. So answer me, please?" I said.

"Wow..." was all Alice said.

_Now what?_ Seriously, she was a professional at playing mind games.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," she hesitated. "It's just...Bella would have never allowed you to be this big of a jerk to the people around you, who want the best for you. Care for you."

"Be proud of yourself, Edward. really. This selfish 'I am all alone and need to be reckless by finding, fighting and hopefully killing a ruthless wild vampire' behavior is not only rude, it's also getting old," Alice told me angrily.

I would have listened to her tirade, were it not for the fact she had mentioned Bella.

Of course that would be enough to put me in my place. Alice knew how to reach me. Hit me. And I deserved this low blow. I was being anything but a loyal family member. A good Cullen.

And Bella. Bella would be disappointed to know of my recent behavior. For a moment I wondered if Alice would have the heart to contact Bella and fill her in. I wasn't putting it past her.

"Edward, are you still there?" Alice wondered quietly.

"I didn't mean to bring up Bella. It's just…we are all worried about you. Carlisle and Esme especially. Jasper keeps telling us you just need more time," she told me softly.

Jasper was right. I did need time. Unfortunately there was no limitation to how much time I actually needed. There would not be enough time to make me feel better. Because I never would. I knew my family was aware of this as well but kept trying against knowing better. And I was repaying them how? By ignoring them and demanding visions without even showing some sort of courtesy and ask them how they were doing.

My selfishness indefinitely knew no boundaries.

"I just want to find Victoria," I said. "That's all that counts now. Nothing else."

"And after? After you find her? Kill her…"

"Then what?"

Carlisle had asked me this before and it had been difficult to give him a satisfying answer. I kept telling myself that was a bridge I'd cross, or jump off of if that's what it would come down to. But the reality was less easy. Less set in stone.

As long as Bella was alive, I'd always have a reason to stay around. Si it was unlikely I'd jump off that proverbial bridge. I might even really cross it and have to think of my future. As excruciating as that sounded.

"I don't know." I said honestly.

"Would you come to Ithaca?"

I could tell her I would not. The truth was, I wouldn't. I'd probably find seclusion somewhere. Or some sort of resolution, somewhere.

"I don't know," I repeated myself.

"You wouldn't, would you?" Alice determined.

"I'd be better off on my own." I spoke with conviction.

"You don't know that. You could benefit from the love and support of your family," Alice said.

"But you would not benefit from my presence at all," I said honestly.

"Already I am putting you through enough, Alice. Like you pointed out; I never call, I never text you back. I don't ask you how you are doing."

"Well, that's true. But that's because you've been alone for too long."

"We both know that's not true," I countered. "I know I am beyond selfish about this. But this is the only way I know how to deal with this." I told her honestly.

"We figured that much, Edward," Alice chuckled.

"Thanks."

"I take you want to know about my vision now," she teased.

"Please," I said quietly.

"Alright, then. I would have told you this sooner, had you picked up your phone and not shut it off."

"Alice," I groaned. "I get it. I promise to not shut my phone off again."

"Liar," she countered.

"Alice, if you would get to the point, instead of always having these dragging conversations, I would not have to shut off my phone." I snapped.

"Easy there, grouchy pants. We just agreed you were selfish and needed to try harder. Already you are slipping into negative behavior."

"You started it. And we never agreed to anything."

"Do you want to hear about my vision or not?"

"Yes," I muttered.

"Fine…"

"I keep seeing a truck with the words 'Via Natureba' and a border sign. The truck is heading south." Alice told me.

_Via Natureba?_ Why did that sound familiar?

"Via Natureba?" I asked.

"Yes, it's apparently a Brazilian company for gluten free products."

_Brazilian? _

"Are you certain?" I demanded.

"What Are you questioning my powers now? Such faith, Edward, such faith. It's heartwarming," she muttered sarcastically.

"No, Alice. I didn't mean it like that. It's just that the clerk at the gas station said the trucker had probably just unloaded somewhere. That he was going back south," I said.

"Like I said, Edward."

"To Brazil," I added, whispering to myself.

Victoria was _heading for Brazil._

"Edward, you…" Alice started.

"Alice, I have to go. I am near Dallas and I need to get on a plane. I can't keep my phone on during the flight, so text me if you have a new vision."

"You're going to _Brazil...._"

* * *

**First things first. If you want to when I update, you can follow me on twitter: twitter (dot) com (slash) bronzehyperion**

**This isn't the longest chapter, because dragging things out is so easy with Edward and I wanted to move the story along. It won't be long until Edward realizes he's been missing some clues and he is not actually hunting Victoria. Like he said…he is not very good at it ;)**

**These side characters are insignificant, merely designed to help out Edward. **

**Next up…Edward's heading to Brazil! **

**Words at the beginning are from a band naméd Dead Moon with the song "Going South". The song is not very significant, but the lyrics seemed appropriate.**

**I love reviews but don't expect them. I admit this is a difficult story to write because I don't want to make it completely unbelievable and move away from the premises of New Moon. ****Fine line ;)**

**Thanks for your ongoing support :)**

**Happy Sundance weekend! **


	15. Wavering

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 10: WAVERING**

_"Attention all passengers. Flight 234SP to Sao Paolo will board at gate FW23 in thirty five minutes."_

_Finally._

I was waiting at the terminal at Fort Worth International Airport in Dallas, waiting for my flight to Guarulhos-International-Airport in Sao Paolo.

I was waiting for Alice to call me back.

She had called me as I had arrived at the airport. I had missed the call, so she'd left me a message.

Apparently, she had tried to provoke a vision of Victoria to get more information than the simple assumption she was heading for Brazil.

As a result my voicemail held a vague message now about Alice being 90 percent certain Victoria was in fact heading for Brazil.

My sister had also recommended me to book a flight to Sao Paolo – with the promise she'd contact me as soon as she knew more or saw something new.

I had given in to her 90 percent accuracy, ignoring the 10 percent that was nagging to tell me that maybe my sister was wrong.

I had booked a flight with a long wait before takeoff unfortunately. Not to mention the prospect of having to fly coach, because first class was full. I wasn't a snob, but mentally speaking first class was usually a lot quieter than coach.

After five long hours the end was near. Well, metaphorically speaking anyway. It wasn't the end of all endings. Not yet.

I might come to that point someday though. Jump off that bridge when I'd have no other options, no prospects in life anymore.

Not like I had many right now, but there was still a purpose for things.

_For the time being._

I had to follow Victoria to Brazil, corner her there and rip her flesh apart.

Then burn the pieces and be done with it.

I was relieved the time to board the plane wasn't long now. Any second passing with me sitting in a crowded terminal was a second wasted.

It didn't really help my sanity either. Being forced to do nothing gave me too much room to do the one thing I was trying not to do. The one I definitely shouldn't be doing.

Close my eyes and cheat. I wanted to, especially right now – the terminal was noisy and warm, the voices around trying to penetrate my mind with a ruthless sting. I needed something to calm me.

I wished for sleep.

Since that was never going to happen, I checked my phone instead, again noticing no messages from Alice.

No new message equaled no new vision.

Which meant the 10 percent doubt that was lingering in my mind was simmering, boiling to the surface. How much did I really have to go on here?

Alice hadn't exactly seen a big flashy neon sign that pinpointed Victoria to Brazil. It was all bits and pieces; too many bits, not enough clear pieces to make up a vision I could actually go on.

My sister was 90 percent sure. That would be good test score for anyone. Except for me. For me it was like getting a B on a test you'd studied for nights in a row. A disappointment.

I had to admit; in a way I was glad that Alice hadn't contacted me. No new vision meant Bella was safe. For now.

It also meant she was only safe from Victoria, as far as I knew. I had no way of knowing if she was safe from other dangers, since I had specifically asked Alice not to look for Bella's future in any way. We'd agreed that Victoria was the only exception to that rule. I had no idea if there were other dangers that could possibly affect Bella's future.

Not to mention the fact dangers came in much degradation.

For instance; I had been a danger to Bella, my nearing presence an everlasting threat when I'd been in her life - but I was out of the equation. I had done the right thing by leaving. It didn't mean I wasn't trying to protect her from a distance, as well as I could manage - but at least I was no longer a direct threat.

So that was one evident threat she was no longer being subjected to.

But then, there were other factors; dangers I couldn't control. Not unless I'd ask Alice to actively look for all aspects of Bella's life and not have her only attune herself to the threat Victoria presented.

And I could not do that. I could not risk my own sanity, but especially Bella's safety by having Alice look for every decision, every moment that affected Bella and her life; her future. That would only lead down a road which would bring me back in Forks again because I would never be able to stay away.

Also, I wasn't certain if the idea of knowing the specifics on Bella's current state of wellbeing was that appealing regardless of the strong desire to know how she was doing. I feared more than anything that she had moved on – which was an irrational fear because it had been the sole reason of my departure – and that she was happy.

_But that's what you wanted_, I chided myself. The entire purpose of this everlasting blackness, the hole in my chest as the reminder of the loss I carried. As long as Bella was happy than every moment of torment was worth it. Bella's life was more important than my own selfishness.

I sighed, closing my eyes as I waited for the time to board.

I was definitely spending way too much time in airports these days. It kept me busy so I couldn't allow myself to go back to the sharp stinging but oh so tempting dark pits of depression which led me to the bliss of obliviously worshipping the mirage of Bella in my mind for as long as it lasted.

Or could I...

Closing my eyes was never a good thing. It usually gave Bella the perfect opportunity to make an appearance, knowing it was impossible for me not to cheat. Nobody preferred the darkness in their soul to be the thing they saw when closing their eyes. I didn't want to get lost in the darkness. And she knew this. Like the angels she was, she never let me linger in the dark to long. Like a beacon of light, she always knew how to find me.

The apparition of Bella didn't disappoint. As I struggled to adjust to the darkness behind my mind, reflecting my empty soul and the hollow where my heart had been, a small stream of light spread itself through my subconscious.

The focus always started the same.

On her full red lips. They looked warm and inviting.

I wanted to lean in and kiss them.

Then, as the image started to zoom out, I would notice her porcelain skin. Breakable and fragile. Translucent. Reminding me of the beast I was. How I could harm her with one single touch.

Her eyes, smiling and knowing. Beckoning me to look at her and drown in the deep chocolate pools.

I wanted nothing more but to do just that.

Keeping my eyes closed I tuned out everyone around me. The voices and whispers were small stabs to my mind, but they never penetrated the thick almost fog-like hallucination I found myself in whenever Bella was around.

I could only see her face. Never her body. But it was enough. Enough to hold me over. For now.

I could feel the heat of her blood staining her cheeks.

Her lips moved, calling out for me. I was a man without hearing, like all I had was the ability to read her lips. I didn't need the words to be said out loud…I knew them by heart. My cold dead absent heart.

_Edward, I love you…_

While the mirage didn't speak, her voice rang loud and clear in my head.

My eyes snapped open, abruptly. It was as thrilling as it was haunting to hear her voice. Likely a pale comparison to the soft but clear voice I'd heard so many times.

I could still taste her appetizing blush on my tongue. It made me thirsty and instantly I was back in the harsh and cold reality of what I was, of why I had left her in the first place.

These mirages were getting out of hand. They never evolved into anything more promiscuous or dangerous, because I was far enough away from Bella to do something about it, but there was always the risk that my thoughts would eventually force the illusions to take over what little sanity I had left, allowing my mind to snap. Which would ultimately result in the final break in my resolve to leave Bella be.

I tasted the venom in my throat and wanted to smash something. It made me aggressive and I hated how the monster, always present somewhere deep down in my core, was roaring and rejoicing at my weakened state.

That was the other alternative. Either my mind would snap, or the monster would return. Maybe both.

I swallowed back the venom as I looked around me and realized – thankfully – that none of these people appealed to me at the moment.

They smelled human, I could smell their blushes, I could hear their hearts beating – some stronger than others which made me hope for decent medical aid at the airport – I could hear the course of blood running through their veins. With some I noticed the pressure point of the carotid artery throbbing prominently, but it never made me want to hurt them or worse; kill them.

The mere thought of watching these people like they were 'snacks to go' repulsed me almost as much the fact I was forgetting the entire purpose of why I was here.

The point of sitting here, in a crowded terminal, with people who shouted their thoughts at me, was to protect Bella the only way I knew how, by eliminating Victoria and keeping a safe distance – Brazil would have to do- it was far enough to keep me from heading straight to Washington state.

I checked the big clock on the south wall of the terminal. More people did. Twenty five minutes until boarding.

_Come on, Alice. Give me something._

I contemplated calling her, demanding a vision of her, but I figured that she would probably tell me to take a hike. Or something in more colorful words.

After which she'd probably start another ramble about the family, who I assumed were getting settled in, in Ithaca.

The problem was however, that while I was in no mood to deal with Alice's rants, I needed some kind of guidance, any kind of hint as to what I could expect next and more importantly, what I needed to do now.

Alice didn't have any new visions, the last thing we were certain of, was how Victoria had gone to Brazil. By truck. This was odd in itself. Why would she not travel by plane?

She may be more savage, but she certainly wasn't stupid. Travelling to Brazil by truck would take her far too long.

So the question became: Did Alice's vision of Victoria belong to the 90 percent certainty that Victoria was heading to Brazil? Or was it then 10 percent of my own instincts telling me I was making a mistake…

I checked the clock again. Fifteen minutes until boarding.

I was starting to dislike airports. They were crowded, chaotic and filthy.

Alright, so I was a snob sometimes.

I sat there impatiently, realizing I had no choice but to in fact call Alice now. I was about to get on a plane with no idea if I was on the right track. Maybe my sister's clever musings would help with trying to process Victoria's actions so far.

While I hated the idea of not being able to figure it out for myself, I was at a loss for clues and with that it almost seemed pointless to travel all the way to Sao Paolo if I didn't even know where to look for Victoria next.

I stood and almost ran to the nearest rest room, speed dial ready.

As soon as I had some privacy, I pressed the call button. It took Alice half a second to pick up.

"You rang?" Alice's voice shrilled in my ear.

"Alice, I don't have much time, I am boarding in ten minutes. Please tell me you have had a new vision?" I urged.

My desperation knew no boundaries nowadays. Which naturally, Alice picked up on…

"Easy, Edward. These things can't be demanded out of me. No matter how much you need it." She spoke sternly.

"Alice, I am about to fly to _Brazil of all places_ to chase some rogue vampire who apparently, doesn't know the convenience of airplanes, if we go by your vision. I have no idea when she will arrive in Brazil, I don't know where she will arrive," I explained in a rush.

"Hmm," was all Alice could say.

"Alice, tick-tock"

"Hmm," she started again. "I seem to recall that we spoke about this a few hours ago."

"You know, your impatience, the rudeness. I suppose you learned nothing. No surprise."

"I don't have time for drama, Alice" I spoke, - indeed- impatiently.

"Well," she said icily, "I don't have time for rudeness."

"Alice, eight minutes..." I warned.

"Stop mentioning the time. I get it; Edward is impatient, Edward wants information."

"So give Edward _HIS_ information," I grumbled.

"Talking in the third person is a little strange. Just so you know. First sign of insanity," she joked dryly.

"Of course, you are well on your way with that. You know you have to stop doing that thing where you close your eyes and push your own mind to see her. It will drive you mad eventually."

_It already did. _

"Thank you Alice, MD. Now, Victoria?"

"Is heading to Brazil," she said.

"With that truck? That will take her days," I pointed out.

"I get flashes of San Antonio road signs and smell a hint of kerosene which would mean she did or will get on a plane. She could be near San Antonio now and travel somewhere from San Antonio Airport …" Alice said.

"Or she will soon," she added

"Somewhere from San Antonio Airport?" I repeated.

"That somewhere being Brazil, I hope" I added before Alice could answer.

"I keep seeing flashes of the letters S A O P and L on a piece of paper. Plus, I see her in a forest. It smells wet and humid. Could be rain forest..."

_Those letters seem a little too convenient_, my mind countered. _They sound like Sao Paolo when you put them together, but is that really where she is headed…_

"_Could be_ is not good enough," I spoke firmly.

"Alice, I have five minutes left before I board a plane to Brazil," I hissed.

"Edward, the piece of paper I see could be a plane ticket and the letters practically scream Sao Paolo. Plus the smell, the atmosphere. It's humid and wet…"

"Sao Paolo doesn't have rainforests, Alice"

"Well she can't exactly arrive in a rain forest…"

I sighed. "I feel like we are missing something…"

"Edward, we know she is heading somewhere. If not Sao Paolo, a new vision will tell me."

"_If not_ Sao Paolo than I am travelling to Brazil for nothing. That would be a great waste of time." I pointed out.

The last thing I needed was to end up in South America, while Victoria would travel Lord knows where…

"She won't come near Forks, Edward." Alice assured me. "I would see if she did."

"And if she did, I would be in Brazil, Alice …" I shot back.

"Plus, it's not like you are managing to keep track on her now, so why would you be able to see if she came near Bel...Forks?"

"I'll keep an eye on her. Like I promised."

"You promised not to look for anything that has to do with Bella," I warned.

"Only in regards to Victoria do I peek," she admitted.

"You do look for visions of Bella?" I choked. "You promised you wouldn't..."

"I don't look. I am simply staying attuned to the idea of Victoria showing up in Forks."

"And so far she hasn't, because she seems to be heading to Brazil. So, get yourself on that plane and call us when you arrive in Brazil. I know you have to shut your phone off, so I'll text if anything happens in the mean time…"

And with that she hung up on me.

A part of me was screaming to turn and head back to my rental car. Or re-book my flight to Seattle. But I knew that was the part of me, in great desire and need to see Bella.

Maybe that was the10 percent that was protesting so much. Maybe I was mentally sabotaging myself so I didn't have to go to Brazil.

Go to Forks instead, because Victoria would force me to. The perfect excuse.

The wrong sentiment.

And so I turned on my heel and headed for the gate where my plane to Sao Paolo was boarding.

I made it into the plane about twenty minutes later, which was the longest time, filled with the chaos of college students heading to Brazil for some vacation – weren't they supposed to be in school – and some elderly couple who were travelling to meet family all cackling loudly and full of enthusiasm.

I hated airports.

Their thoughts were jumbled and incoherent because I tried my hardest to tune them out. I was losing my touch. I could hear their voices, inner and outer but the words and sentences didn't register the way they used to. The flight attendant checking my ticket had given me a flirtatious smile, but all I could think of was the unease I felt with the idea of getting on a plane that would take me further away from Bella.

Wait, had I not – like a small hour ago – been thankful to be getting away from her because that would ensure her safety?

Why was it so hard to leave now?

_You're leaving the continent. No vampire speed will get you near Bella fast enough now, if something bad happens to her. _

I shuddered at the thought of that, which the smiling flight attendant took for me being cold and so she offered me a blanket. I declined and dismissed her with a friendly yet slightly intimidating glance. It made her retreat instantly.

Since I was flying coach, I wasn't fortunate enough to be seated alone.

I was actually seated next to a woman named Marge.

Marge was a force to be reckoned with. Inside and outside. Her voice was high pitched and loud. Her inner voice, if possible, was even louder. She was basically constantly screaming at me with her bellowing laughter over every little thing she found to be hilarious.

I could not kill her on the plane…

I sighed. I could not kill her at all.

Of course… my sighing made Marge tilt her head my way, smiling encouragingly in hopes I would share the reason behind my sigh with her and she could strike up a conversation.

I definitely didn't want to do that.

"Something the matter, young man?" she asked, flat out ignoring my evident resistance to talk to her.

_No, leave me alone. Please stop talking and go sleep or whatever you humans do. _

I shook my head politely.

It was strange how intolerant I was around humans when Bella was not near me to make me feel alive. I realized I was losing my humanity again. This was a little terrifying. It made me capable of feral, animalistic things. Which would come in handy when hunting Victoria sure, but once the monster appeared, it would be difficult to tame him again.

Only Bella had ever managed to tame the beast

My subconscious poked me, giving me the kind of feeling I'd interpret as nausea had I still been a human.

"You look very pale, ya need me to call a flight attendant?" Marge pushed.

"No, I am alright," I assured her.

"You travelling alone then?" Marge asked, her thick southern accent piercing through my ears.

I simply nodded and turned my face away, hoping she would understand I was not in the mood to chat.

_She didn't._

I supposed under different circumstances I could have used my charm to politely tell her I was not in the mood to carry on a conversation, but my mind was already in overload, trying to figure out Victoria's next move. I had no energy to deal with this woman.

Unfortunately, that held no merit for Marge.

"I'm gonna visit ma daughter in Sao Paolo. She married this Brazilian man last spring. Beautiful ceremony, though half the guests didn't speak any Spanish..."

_Portuguese. _

"We had such a blast. They are expecting a baby now. I'm gonna be a nana"

I gave her a weak smile. "Congratulations."

She smiled even wider. "I got all these little baby things knit up....though I was thinkin' that baby might not need lil'baby hats in that temperature..."

She laughed hard at that, while I wanted to cringe.

It wasn't so much that I hated her for talking to me. Her enthusiasm could have been perceived as infectious to anyone but me.

I couldn't even put myself in the shoes of this woman in terms of happiness. I mean, married, babies. Grandmother. It reeked of some kind of happily ever after for her family.

I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright. That someday I would find the same type of happiness this woman next to me clearly emanated so exuberantly.

She was lucky that way. I wasn't. I would never be happy again and I certainly would never be a husband and have children. Let alone grandchildren.

That would never, _ever_ happen.

The thought of this, of course made me sad. More sad than I could have possibly imagined. It was terrifying to realize I was truly on the brink of death now, maybe not physically, but emotionally, it was only a matter of time.

I wanted to smash something, _again_. I wanted to run like I had done many times in Alaska.

The monster was growling, irritated I was so desperate to wallow in my humanity.

"You alright, son?" Marge wondered.

"You really look a lil' pale."

_You have no idea. _

"Not a fan of flying," I spoke quietly.

That was not a lie. I wasn't a fan of sitting still, doing nothing. Especially now, when I had no idea what Victoria was up to and if I'd ever catch her.

For some reason it didn't seem like I would.

"Why are you heading to Brazil?"

Good question...why was I heading to Brazil? Was what I believed to find there, actually _there?_

"My sister is there," I lied.

"She lives there?"

I shook my head. "Not permanently. Just for a little while."

"She staying in Sao Paolo?" Marge wondered

I nodded again.

"Well, Sao Paolo is a big city, let me tell you."

Great. That would make it so much more difficult to find Victoria.

The most frustrating thing at this point was the idea that it didn't really matter what I did, because my brain was obviously not in any way assisting with trying to put together the possible location I'd find Victoria or at least find fresh tracks of her.

Marge had a point; Sao Paolo was big. Big enough to get lost in. Big enough to never be found in. Or at least not in time.

Plus, the biggest nag in my mind was the idea that I was missing something, that something was staring me right in the face, something that had yet to click in my mind.

My mind seemed out of normal order anyway, since I could barely make out all the murmurs in the small confinement I found myself stuck in. Even Marge's loud inner voice didn't manage to push through the walls of my thoughts.

Like there was nothing going in and definitely nothing coming out. No coherency whatsoever.

I decided to ignore Marge and simply pretend to be asleep. Thankfully she found herself distracted by some movie and actually let me be.

Hours later we arrived in Sao Paolo. Never before had a country felt so foreign to me. There was a strange edge to how I felt. I'd been to Brazil before, more than a few decades earlier. Never had I felt home sick or frightened to be somewhere and right now, stepping off the plane, I felt more than unease and nerves to be in an unfamiliar place.

Something wasn't right. No matter how I twisted and turned it, something about me being here, didn't fit. It was too strange, too senseless. Too impulsive.

I picked up my luggage and looked for an exit. The humid warm Brazilian attacked me as soon as I was outside. It was about 11.00 PM and the airport was quieter now.

I found a little corner and took out my phone.

Alice had texted me.

**Call me as soon as you can. It's urgent!**

That didn't bode very well…

I dialed the number and she picked up at the first ring.

"Edward, are you in Sao Paolo?"

"Where else, Alice?" I muttered sarcastically.

I expected a clever come back but it never came. Instead, Alice was quiet.

Like she was hiding something.

"Alice…"

"You're going to hate me…" she mumbled.

No. No way. This was not going to lead to where I suspected it to lead.

"Why?" I spat, mentally bracing myself for what was coming.

"I may have been wrong earlier…"

"I think you may have been right. Victoria may not be in Brazil…'

"Alice," I growled. "What do you mean when you say 'Victoria may not be in Brazil?"

"I don't think she went to Brazil."

_What the hell_? I was here in Sao Paolo and Victoria wasn't?

"You were certain..."

"I was, but my latest vision is just off. I see her hair again, the red waves of curls like before and the water also, like she is swimming. But I no longer see those letters I saw before."

"Maybe she changed her mind..." Alice added

"You just made me fly to Brazil for nothing!!" I nearly yelled.

"I didn't know, Edward. I didn't have this new vision until you were already out of reach."

"But why? All of this is senseless. Why are your visions changing?"

"I do not know, Edward. Victoria is not easy to keep track off..."

No, she wasn't, she knew how to self preserve very well. Why had I forgotten about that all this time?

"But the confusion? You see her everywhere but not in the place I need her to be?"

_Like in Brazil…_

"Her mind must be very chaotic. But in the psychotic, 'creeping up on you' way, you know. It's not like ADD, it's so chaotic, it gives you no clear sense of what she wants," Alice explained.

_I want her to be in Sao Paolo…_

"She was in Sulphur Springs. The proof was there. Why would she go to a small Texan city, travel south, make it look like going to Brazil and then....nothing..." Alice recapped.

"Absolutely nothing," I muttered.

"It makes no sense…"

"Where do you think she is?" I asked, defeated. Wherever she was, she was certainly not here.

"Well, the trigger was Laurent. But we decided he was worthless in the actual vision, just a ploy. I saw Victoria in the water...like I do now...but I don't know where it is..."

"Because she isn't showing you?"

"Her mind is too chaotic, but smart enough to make the chaos work for her. To make sure I can't see."

That made sense. It was all about self preservation with Victoria. It was her strength.

"But if she is so self-preserving, why show us enough to make me travel to Texas, to Brazil..."

The moments the words left my mouth, was the moment everything clicked. How I had tracked her so easily in the beginning. How she had let me. All the way down to Brazil.

Where she wasn't.

"Edward...."

_Shit._

I never swore, but right now I wanted to utter some profanities. I also wanted to kick something.

_Me._

_"She tricked me....."_

* * *

**If you want to know when I update, you can follow me on twitter: twitter (dot) com (slash) bronzehyperion**

**Edward now knows Victoria tricked him. Under normal circumstances he would have been able to put it together sooner, but Victoria's biggest strength is self preservation and Edward has never been able to pick up on much from her. Even Alice is quite blind to her, so to speak. Plus Edward's too busy being depressed. Which is about to get worse…**

**Well, he made it to Brazil; he can only get closer to Italy from here. As I go along the chapters will be longer again, especially once we get to Italy. **

**Thanks for all the support, always appreciated :) **


	16. Accept Defeat

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ****©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights**** reserved worldwide****.**

* * *

What happened previously:

_Shit._

I never swore, but right now I wanted to utter some profanities. I also wanted to kick something.

_Me._

_"She tricked me....."_

**CHAPTER 11: ACCEPT DEFEAT**

Piercing stares captured me in their sphere. They were demanding me to stare right back. Their eyes spoke words I could hear without sounds. Their thoughts gave away the sounds that hadn't escaped their lips.

_What are you? _

People were staring at me intently.

It didn't come as a surprise.

Of course I stood out here; pale white complexion, not even the slightest hint of being sun-kissed. I might as well have had the word "outcast" tattooed on my forehead.

Only that could have drawn even more attention to the way I was exposing myself by walking around here. The upside was that it was a cloudy overcast day. Adding the sun to my appearance would have been a disaster.

I was clearly a novelty. The humans staring at me were either very dark-skinned or their complexion had an olive-colored tone. It was apparent they were natives.

The people resembling _me_ in some way were either possible immigrants or tourists.

And they stood out far less than me for some reason. I suppose it made sense. Some people had the natural ability to realize we, _my family and I_, were something beyond the realm of normalcy. Not plain tourists or humans with a pale complexion.

They instinctively knew we were something entirely different. Something mystical. In these regions – South America - there were legends about my kind. Legends that weren't used for spooky stories at Halloween or whatever the festivity that gave room for sharing tales of horror and mayhem. These were legends from times where people believed in them and arranged their lives around them. Times where vampires, witches and monsters existed amongst the humans and they knew of their existence and needed to protect themselves against those creatures.

The legacy of those stories had continued to live on in today's modernist culture. People weren't believers like they had been back in the day, but there was still an ancient superstition that they carried in their hearts and minds.

I could hear the thoughts, albeit most of them in Portuguese; they were full of wonder and suspicion. I tried to pay no attention to my unwanted audience and pretended I didn't see their stares, though some glances did catch my eye for a few seconds. This made them stare back at me even more because it gave them the - correct - impression I was something else. Clearly someone who did not want to have attention drawn to him.

I started to walk a little faster though never as fast as I was capable of; vampire speed wouldn't be the most appropriate choice of transportation in a crowd.

I crossed corners and walked across plazas but location and my surroundings meant nothing to me. The people meant nothing to me. It was one open space of blurred colors and shapes.

The air was humid and warm. Sticky, though I couldn't sweat. It clung to my cool skin... It made me feel like I couldn't breathe.

I was suffocating.

Well, not literally of course.

It wasn't that I needed breathing to stay alive – my lungs didn't need the oxygen and I was dead in every sense of the word by default now anyway – but it made me feel like my senses were being cut off.

Realistically, I had no trouble breathing; even within this highly humid climate it caused me no problems. But the air clawed at me like a blanket smothering a fire.

This, as the realization hit me, was quite befitting. The sensation of not being able to breathe properly; _being smothered_, enhanced the feeling of failure that had washed over me perfectly, as I wandered through the centre of Sao Paolo.

Without my senses I was useless, even if it was more of a psychological experience than a factual one. And useless I was…

Truthfully, I had no idea of what I was doing. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't have to be anywhere. I wasn't going to find Victoria here that was certain. And there wasn't anything besides that failed plan, which gave me a purpose.

There was nothing here for me. There was nothing for me to find. Street names didn't ring a bell, time didn't make a difference. I wasn't waiting for someone and someone was certainly not waiting for me

_I was lost._

Physically and emotionally lost.

I had left the airport hours ago. After Alice had told me her vision had been wrong, I'd instantly wanted to shelter the blame with her because it seemed justified to me. After all, Alice had been the one who had been convinced by her own visions.

I should have gone with the 10% that had never believed her visions to be real to begin with.

But as soon as I had hung up on my sister, as soon as the streets of Sao Paolo had become my walk of shame and defeat, I had realized that it hadn't been my sister whose visions had tricked me but Victoria herself because she had managed to control whatever glimpse she had given Alice and twisted it so that it had seemed she had actually been travelling to Brazil.

_Of all places._

It was convenient to blame Alice, I had done so before. I always seemed to be very bad at taking my own responsibility. The one time I had, it had cost me everything. And even now, in my time of despair I was blaming everyone around me.

If I was honest; I had to admit, it was my own fault to begin with. I had been too blasé about this. So certain I would find Victoria and deal with her. I had been s cocky.

And I hadn't accepted much help, apart from Alice and her visions, which had – again, if I were honest – been as helpful as Victoria had allowed them to be. She had hoped for the mix-up, the misinterpretation and she had gotten her wish.

I might as well have been as blind as I had been stubborn. She had tricked me by pretending to be travelling all the way to Brazil.

Seriously_, of all places._

Anyone with a little bit of sense, anyone who had paid some attention to Victoria 's mind – an ability I did possess and had clearly failed to use – would have realized sooner how ridiculous and unnecessary it would be for her to travel to Brazil.

I only realized it now, as my mind started to add it all up.

Victoria had gone to Texas. Now Texas was one thing; she was a savage and that state was partially rural unfound and mostly very large; it somehow fit. There was plenty of space to travel by foot. Looking back, I understood why she had gone there. That was the one place she had actually really gone – without leading me on - and it made sense to me.

I could see why Texas would appeal to her.

And why Brazil would not.

Being here myself, I found myself hating the thick air, the smog and the crowds of people. And I was a somewhat civilized vampire. Victoria would hate it here even more. Somehow I believed she would stand out here even more than me with her red hair and burgundy eyes.

Thinking about Victoria, made me feel more and more stupid for not being able to figure it out earlier; the way she had tricked me. I'd been so preoccupied with being preoccupied – anything to keep my mind off the looming depression that always roared its power and effect the moment I didn't have something to distract me – which I had failed to truly use my instincts.

I had felt something was not right, deep down inside, but for some reason I had simply disregarded the feeling and I could not even explain why.

Not to myself, not to anyone.

It was almost ironic how I used to be so in tune with my power, how I could read people inside and out. There was truly nothing left of that. It was very suitable to illustrate the shell of a man – or was that vampire, still – I had become.

Alice has assured me earlier - when I had spoken to her after I had landed and realized Victoria wasn't here - she would continue to look for the danger Victoria might present to Bella. She'd tried to convince me that she would see if Victoria went near Forks.

I wasn't so skeptical about whether or not she actually would, but I did doubt if we would ever know if and when she went. So far, Victoria had managed to trick us all, going to Timbuktu or Forks would really not make a difference, if she managed to keep it out of Alice's visions. And Forks would be that much more appealing to Victoria than Timbuktu, so while the chances of her going weren't marginal, the finding out about it, would always end up being "too late"

Also there was no way to know a new location for sure when it came to Victoria and her uncanny power to self preserve. She could be anywhere.

That in itself presented a great risk. It meant Bella was unsafe.

I didn't quite know how to feel about that. A part of me kept chastising myself for even thinking about it. I had made the decision to leave. It was no longer my right to even think about Bella.

But then; what about responsibility? _Obligation?_

I mean, I didn't feel obligated towards Bella in a strange way. I loved her more than anything and would always want what was best for her, but I did feel the obligation to keep her safe even if it was no longer my territory.

But with that obligation also came the responsibility to carry through, to keep my promise.

My promise to stay away.

A double edged sword. Protection by staying away, or by going back.

A first part of that had been why I left Forks to begin with. By being in her life the time I had been, I was the one who had inflicted the possible danger of Victoria's revenge on me - through Bella, on her.

Did I need to take my responsibility for that by staying away, like I had promised? Or did I need to spring into action and go back to Forks to eliminate Victoria the moment she set foot there.

But then was I not breaking my promise to make sure she could find happiness as a human girl, without the dangers of having immortal creatures around her- by allowing Victoria to come near her, if that's what she was planning?

And was I also breaking my promise double by entertaining thoughts of going back and intervene in her life again.

Alice had not seemed to think so, when I had spoken to her earlier.

"Edward, we can't leave Bella unprotected. We just can't! We have no idea what Victoria will do next, we need to make sure someone in the family keeps an eye on Bella?" she had pressed.

"We could take turns. Jasper and I, Rose and Emmett, though Rose will throw a fit for sure. I am sure Esme would want to help. Bella wouldn't even have to know that we are watching her," she had opted.

I couldn't really argue with that. Victoria was much more than a simple loose cannon. She was a real danger. But I wasn't certain if she was truly after Bella. Maybe the vision Alice had seen was not true. Or at least that's what I tried to convince myself of. If Bella was safe, no one would have to go back.

And Alice had certainly been wrong before. There was a time she had foreseen I would kill Bella and that surely hadn't come to pass. Alice had seen Bella become one of us and that definitely hadn't happened and would certainly never happen.

Of course nothing was set in stone and I couldn't fault Alice and her idea to keep an eye on Bella, from a distance, but technically, we had no idea if Victoria would ever show up in Forks.

Plus, no way to monitor it either, since Alice's visions had proved to be useless when Victoria was the subject of them.

Not to mention the idea of going back to Forks in general. Knowing Bella, she would somehow find out that my family was keeping tabs on her. I had no doubt she would accidentally – or maybe even on purpose – discover.

What if she spotted one of my siblings? Would she ask about me? Would she want me back?

I knew that if I allowed myself near Forks, I would start begging her to take me back.

That alone made Alice's idea a very bad one.

So that's what I had told her.

"Alice, just go and enjoy yourself in Ithaca. Victoria will never be where we think she is. She has played us and she will do it again," I had sighed.

"There is no proper way to keep an eye on her'

I hadn't found the energy to argue with Alice about the more logical arguments. I'd made it seem like Alice's visions were more often inaccurate than not, which was an uneasy way to manipulate my sister. Alice was often correct in her visions, actually, she was _always_ right but it decisions the subjects in the visions made could change their minds. But even then the visions would change with the new decisions.

In this case Victoria had been smart. She'd given us exact clues, but we had interpreted them wrong.

My behavior had sparked anger in Alice, an anger filled with accusation. Something I hadn't often seen with her.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" she had spat.

"Mr. Lone Ranger. You're weak and pathetic, you know that Edward. Whoever you were before, back when BELLA" – she had emphasized her name, causing pain to slam into me like a tidal wave of bricks – "was in your life, that guy I liked. That guy is gone now, I can tell."

"It's very nice to hear you have such faith in my visions," she had grumbled sarcastically.

"I am sorry, Alice" I had answered meekly. "I know you are doing your best and that your visions are often on the mark but Victoria will always be a few steps ahead."

"And because of that you are truly willing to leave Bella unprotected?" she had asked.

Was that the reason? The fact we could never be certain about Victoria's whereabouts, despite the fact common sense would eventually lead her Forks? Or was it the idea of having my family near Bella – if only to protect her from uncertainties that caused me to reject the idea…

Knowing it would only make me falter much more easily.

"What choice do I have?" I had asked, defeated.

"You do not have a clear idea of Victoria's whereabouts. It's doubtful you will ever get a clear vision," I had told her.

"Wrong, Edward. She was in Texas, wasn't she? She killed a man there, remember?"

"Or have you forgotten about everything now?" she had muttered.

Not forgotten. I simply didn't care. What point was there? So a man had died. I was certain Victoria had left a long trail of casualties in her immortal life. No need to find this unfortunate man special.

"Victoria was in Texas. But she still managed to trick me – well us – into believing she went to Brazil," I'd told her.

"My point, Edward, is that she isn't untouchable. She is clever, I'll give her that. But she will slip up; you know the only reason she would go to Forks would be because she would want to get back at you."

"Have her revenge," Alice had pointed out.

I knew that very well. Victoria was going with the old principle; "an eye for an eye."

A mate for a mate. Even though I no longer had one.

"_Your point?_ We know her motivation. That's not very hard to guess. That still doesn't mean you can suddenly keep better track of her because she wants revenge."

"It didn't seem to work before. She still managed to trick us," I'd added.

"She will reveal herself when she gets close to Bella," Alice had insisted.

"_Why?"_

"Have you _turned stupid_? She would want you to know. Not to mention the fact, Bella would be in danger and I would be able to see that. If…"

"If, _what?"_

I knew what was coming.

"If you would stop being so stubborn and stupid and simply allowed me to look for Bella's future," Alice had said, smugly.

"Or, even better. Allow me to go to Forks."

"Not going to happen," I had spat. "Either thing will not happen. I won't allow it."

"Wow, you really _would_ leave her unprotected then?"

"I don't want you to look; I don't want to do anything. I want you to leave me alone," I had nearly shouted before I had hung up on Alice and shoved my phone deep in my pocket as to make sure that would make my problems go away.

After the conversation with Alice, I had started to move. Walk. Miles, it seemed. I had ended up riding the metro – illegally I'd realized later – until I had reached the centre of the city and had started walking again.

My thoughts were incoherent about most things, especially the more detailed thoughts, but I was convinced about one thing; I was a monster. A terrible monster. My exterior could fool many people - though that didn't seem to be the case here – but I was worthless and dangerous at the same time.

I was worthless because I had allowed myself to get close to Bella in the first place. She would have been safe then. James wouldn't have been able to attack her and we probably wouldn't have had to kill him. Victoria wouldn't want to seek revenge by killing her. My family would have been able to stay in Forks and I could have lived somewhere in solitude without this stabbing pain and a hollow in my chest.

My subconscious stirred and rolled its eyes. _'If only's' won't change a thing_.

I was dangerous because the monster roared and felt hopeful. _There's no reason to stay in control. No reason to be good._

The hollow ripped with an aching it didn't know it could hold. Had I been human, my chest would have burst open

I ignored the growling and the venom that bubbled up in my throat. The monster was long defeated. I would never go back to those days. But then the venom had other ideas. It burned inside me.

_You need to go hunting_, I chided myself.

I also ignored my subconscious and the logic it held. I needed to go hunting, but I wasn't thirsty. My body responded to urges my mind could no longer frame.

My entire being was crippled with the pain I felt; it tumbled over like a cup of red polluted blood. The reminder of why I had left and how I couldn't go back.

I didn't know if Bella was safe but I had made her the promise it would be like I had never been her life, like I had never existed.

I owed it to her to keep my distance now

_So why do you care if Alice keeps an eye on her? If you can't, she can. Don't you owe Bella your protection as well? Especially since it is your fault Victoria might go after her…_

The pain coursed through me. It was unbearable to think Bella would even get hurt when I was_ not_ around. Maybe I _should give_ Alice permission to keep an eye on her.

Not that it would make a difference.

I knew very well Alice would go against my orders and look for Bella's future and specific visions about her anyway. So there was no point in arguing, not even with my subconscious.

I felt guilty. Which was almost a welcome feeling compared the dread that was pounding its way through my internal system. Back to square one. Back in the downward spiral of depression. The black hole, throbbing and aching no longer had the temporary thrill of feeling numb, because I no longer had a purpose to distract myself from it.

Maybe that's what bothered me the most. The fact I hadn't been able to protect Bella from a distance, like I had wanted to. And also that I'd been robbed of a diversion from the pain.

I was now confronted with the conflicting emotions of wanting to leave her alone like I had promised and the desire to keep her safe myself. And with the desire and the longing to go back to Forks came the sharpest edges of a pain that prevented me from actually going back to Forks.

Such strange irony.

The hollow could go back to consuming me now. And there was no reason why it wouldn't. It had been lingering for a while now and I had not allowed it to break through to the surface because my mind had either been full with ways of how I was going to track and find Victoria and kill her or with the vision of Bella calling out to me.

It was a vision that had been easier to deal with when I had the goal of protecting her because it had felt like I was also protecting the visions of her. Now that I no longer had Victoria to distract me, the hollow would have no problem festering until it would take me over again completely.

It was only a matter of time until I'd be where I'd left myself in Alaska, except multiple times worse.

So what should I do now?

The feeling of being lost crept up on me more and more as I realized I had nowhere to go.

Alright, that was not exactly true. I had plenty of places to go.

I could go to Ithaca. Be with my family.

The idea of this was not very tempting. As I had spoken to them over the phone many times, I'd felt like a burden, but also like a very selfish person. I was both, even if they'd never see it that way. And being together in Alaska had proven to be a failure as well.

Ithaca was out.

There was also the option of going back to Denali.

This wouldn't be so bad – I liked the cool Alaskan air and I knew that Eleazar and Carmen would leave me alone.

But Tanya would not. She would try and cheer me up. And there would only be so much time until I'd snap and knowing Eleazar he would not allow that in his own home, which was his right.

Alaska was out too.

No Ithaca. No Alaska. Then what?

Should I go back to Forks?

If Bella needed protection from Victoria, I might as well go back until she showed up, so I could deal with her after all.

I know that technically I could always go back. But somehow, not being able to protect her from Victoria made it impossible.

If I didn't protect her from the danger from afar, I should certainly never go back and draw the danger right back to her.

So going back was the worst idea.

My phone buzzed.

_Damnit, I should have turned it off._

Of course, the obligation and care I felt towards my family meant that I wouldn't. I was certain they would continue to call me, if I tried and ignored them. Especially my tiny sister.

_This better not be Alice again_

"What?" I muttered as I answered.

"Hello Edward"

_Esme. _

I regretted my tone instantly. It was the only mother I had ever known and she certainly didn't deserve my disrespect.

"Esme," I whispered.

"How are you?" she wondered

I could tell she was being cautious. She didn't want to press me for information on how I felt, knowing it could push me away even further.

"I am alright." I lied.

"Really?"

_No, not really. I am a wreck, worse than a wreck. I am nothing._

Now if only I could feel nothing too.

"Yes."

"Edward," Esme scolded me gently. "I know you are not alright."

Well, it certainly didn't take a scientist...

"Well, Esme," I said, slightly aggravated, "considering the fact Alice just led me to Brazil of all places, I think telling you I am alright is about as cordial as I can get."

"I am sure Alice filled you in anyway," I muttered. "So I am telling you something you already know."

"She did. But that's not why I am calling."

I knew where she was heading with this.

Esme didn't have supernatural powers, but her compassion was otherworldly.

And I knew she was about to throw all that compassion into a conversation about my feelings.

"The house here is lovely. Plenty of space too. It needs some remodeling though," she told me

"Sounds nice," I told her, knowing I sounded monotone and uninterested.

But Esme ignored that and continued "You would love it here too. Jasper says they have some classes at Cornell you'd be interested in. Business classes, Modern Engineering. Just your thing...there's a broad spectrum of choices."

"I'll pass," I muttered.

"Edward," she chastised me softly. "You can't stay in Brazil."

The way she said it, made me want to defy her. I knew I had no right to do that, I knew she meant well, but I just wanted to resist whatever plan they had for me."

"Well, I don't see why not."

"Ithaca has a good climate. Plenty of places to eat out too," she joked.

"Esme, it's better for all of us if I stay on my own for a bit," I tried, as gentle as I could muster up.

"Carlisle told me you would refuse. Are you really not coming home?" she asked quietly.

I could hear her pain seeping through, like I had just told her something horrible.

"No, not right now."

I could hear her sharp intake of breath.

"Alright then."

"I have to go,'' I started.

"Edward, wait. One more thing," Esme stopped me.

"What?" I grumbled.

"I just want to remind you, you are not alone. I know you think you are, but you're not. You have a family. A home. You're not _lost._"

And with that, _she_ hung up.

I glanced at my phone for a second, stunned my mother had hung up on me and then I stuffed it deep into the one small bag I was carrying. This was better than keeping it in my pocket. Maybe it would muffle the sound enough for me to be able to ignore it for a while.

I was mentally exhausted as I slumped against the railing of the bridge in the park I found myself now standing on. I couldn't even remember how I had gotten here. It was getting dark as I realized I had walked most of the day.

I realized it was twilight. The best time of day…

It didn't feel as good here as it did in Forks.

_Nothing_ did.

_You're not lost, _Esme's words echoed in my mind_._

I sighed as I looked across the water.

The remaining question presented itself to me; Victoria was out of my reach so I'd stumbled upon my physical and metaphorical bridge.

Now was I going to cross it....?

_Or jump off..._

* * *

**Alright, this may be what one calls "filler" but we're getting to the good stuff soon. I know that this is the more 'boring' part of the story, we all want Edward and Bella reunited and all the drama before (and after) but trust me, and we are creeping up on it soon.**

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**Reviews are welcome and appreciated!**

**Happy almost Friday!**


	17. Void

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: VOID**

_Doesn't anyone fill the void?  
Doesn't anyone kill the noise?  
Doesn't anyone take the place of you?_

The phone in my pocket vibrated again. It was the twenty-fifth time in twenty-four hours. I thought about opening the phone, at least seeing who was trying to contact me. Perhaps it was important. Maybe Carlisle needed me.

I thought about it. But I did not mow.

I wasn't precisely sure where I was. Some dark attic crawl space, full of rats and spiders. The spiders ignored me and the rats gave me a wide berth. The air was thick with the heavy scents of cooking oil, rancid meat, human sweat and the nearly solid layer of pollution that was actually visible in the humid air. Like a black film over everything. Below me four stories of a rickety ghetto tenement teamed with life. I didn't bother to separate the thoughts from the voices—they made a big loud Portuguese clamor that I didn't listen to. I just let the sounds bounce off me.

Meaningless. All of it was meaningless. My very existence was meaningless.

The whole world was meaningless.

I had tried to find it - despite my better judgment- this meaning I knew I'd once felt. The meaning I knew existed out there. But nothing could replace what I had known to be mine and nothing could erase the haunting realization my life was truly over – my final and permanent death after years of lingering and longing for finality, only been broken in consistency by the presence of the angel for as long as it had lasted.

The angel which would never be mine again. Which I should have never pursued.

The angel I should never have left.

It was March 15. I knew this because my body was designed to keep track of the days, even if my mind refused to acknowledge the time that had passed.

I was still in Sao Paolo, Brazil. My haven of solitude and hideaway.

If someone would ask me why I was still here; in a climate that didn't appease me and an environment that was not mine, I would not be able to answer.

Because I didn't know. I had no reason to be here. But there was no reason to begin with, so why pack up and move, travel to another place that held no meaning? It made no sense and didn't give me any more reason to be there than it did for me to be here. So I might as well stay put.

I supposed this was my bridge. I knew now Sao Paolo and its atmosphere were my undoing, my bridge to jump off. I could stay in this attic, curled up and lifeless until I would find the courage to jump.

My routine these days - if I had one - was very simple. I'd do nothing. Nothing at all.

That was an oxymoron; a contradictory way of behaving and acting. I didn't do a thing but that in itself proved to be hard to execute. How did one do nothing? More importantly, how did one survive doing nothing without it wanting to make them pull their hair out? Or worse; without the longing for sleep or death, knowing that kind of peace would never come.

As much as time had proven to be monotone intervals without change before Bella had come into my life, I had always found ways of occupying myself. Even when we had first left Forks and arrived in Alaska, I occasionally tried some sort of activity, were it hunting or the small one sided conversations with my family.

That had been something compared to my days now.

Out of habit and to keep them at bay I called my family every few months which, as I had been here a while, hadn't been often. I only did it because I knew they were worried and I wasn't completely heartless.

Even if I was without a heart.

Another oxymoron.

It was not like I didn't have options to entertain myself. I could explore the Sao Paolo Art Museum and their broad collection. I could walk around Ibirapuera Park in the morning and hide from the burning sun at its highest peak in the afternoon inside the Metropolitan Cathedral. Then hunt at night before calling my family and wait for night time before everything would start all over again the next day.

That would have been a plan and I might have had the intention to keep myself busy, had it not been for the one conviction I had; I was lost.

Being lost meant I spend my days in a small crawling space of a smelly restaurant. The only constant in my days were the sounds I blocked out, the scents that were all wrong and making it harder to breathe. The position of my body was always the same; angled in some sort of fetal position. My forehead pressed against my knees.

I wondered how much longer I would be able to stand this.

If I kept my eyes closed and tuned everything out, she was there. The angel.

She was always there.

On one of the first nights I had been here, I had made the mistake of going out and taking a walk. Look for something small to hunt nearby. The streets had been almost empty and while I'd known I would not find a banquet of elk or deer, some smaller animals would have to do.

It had been a necessity; otherwise nothing could have tempted me to go out. But as I had made my way down the small unevenly pebbled streets close to the outskirts of Ibirapuera Park, I'd stumbled upon the greatest temptation of all.

She had stood there, as if she'd been waiting a long time. Even in the faint moonlight her mahogany hair had sparkled like it had rubies woven in.

_Bella._

In Sao Paolo.

At the time, I had no way of comprehending how she had gotten here but as I had followed her through narrow allies and busy plazas I had not been able to bring myself to care about the details.

Bella had been right there in front of me. Sweeping her long mahogany hair over her shoulder, coyly looking back at me in the dimness of the night. The darkness had prevented me from seeing her beautiful ivory face, but I had followed her nonetheless. I would follow her anywhere.

She had moved more swiftly than I'd remembered, more fluently, her hips slightly swaying. It had been the most breathtaking vision I'd ever laid eyes upon.

She'd continued to take small peeks over her shoulder, assumingly to make sure I was still following her.

So wrong it had been for her to think I'd not follow her.

The moon hadn't been very bright and the allies had gotten more arrow and dark, as I had followed the enigma walking in front of me.

The one thing that should have alerted me at the time, that should have drawn me from the delusion that Bella was being a prey I had to follow being the hunter I was, had been my surprise that she didn't entirely smell like I remembered; naturally her blood had smelled like blood, but it hadn't had the powerful effect of flames in my throat, of venom seeping into my mouth.

It had been regular thirst, but nothing special. Nothing as alluring as the way Bella's rich sweet blood had always enticed me whenever I'd been close.

That should have tipped me off. That should have pulled me from the delusion Bella had been in Sao Paolo. But it had the opposite effect.

I'd been poorly mistaken in the assumption that maybe this lack of potency was a good thing. After all I had rationalized; if her blood was far less potent to me, I could be close to her without risking her life and my sanity.

This would mean that I could go back to Forks. That I was not a murderous fiend that needed to spend every moment making sure he would not kill his love.

My a-skewed judgment could have been onto something, had I not been completely fooled. Had I been rational.

Because all will to maintain some sort of pattern, have the smallest hint of meaning had crumbled when I had finally reached the one I had been following.

At some point, she had slowed down and I had been able to reach her with ease. The teasing had been over and for the slightest hint of a second, I'd felt like I had won.

_A short-lived victory._

When I had reached her she had turned carefully, almost as if she were in slow motion. Capturing the moment of our reunion by taking her time.

I recalled how I had smiled at her encouragingly, until she was completely facing me.

A gasp had escaped my lips the moment the creature in front of me had become visible.

It hadn't been Bella. Of course not. I'd been blinded by yet another hallucination. The ones which normally lingered in my mind had now finally caught up with me.

The girl had been nothing but a stranger.

A false hallucination I had stalked to the point of insanity.

I had followed a stranger across Sao Paolo. A complete stranger.

It hadn't even registered that my phone had been buzzing. Of course Alice had called instantly and in good evasive fashion I had ignored her calls as soon as I had snapped out of my initial shock.

Though something had finally broken inside me. That had been my final undoing. The final nail to my non-existent coffin.

After that night, I had crawled up into the attic and never left again, with the exceptions of the need to hunt, which had only happened twice since I'd situated myself here in the darkness.

Eventually Alice had stopped calling and it wasn't until I had decided to contact my family out of courtesy I had spoken to her again and only because I had not been able to reach my parents.

"I see you finally decide to allow me to scold you for ignoring me for weeks?" she had spoken coolly.

I had ignored her. "How's Ithaca?"

"Well, let's see….I would not know, since I am not in Ithaca," she had told me.

As it turned out, that would be one of the last times I would speak to Alice and comprehend any of her information. She had told me about the research into her past, about her younger sister Cynthia and her daughter, Alice's niece who still lived in Biloxi.

I had offered little response to which Alice had sighed theatrically. She'd tried to talk to me, to talk about what had happened weeks before with the stranger that had not been Bella, but she never managed to get anything from me.

Phone calls had becoming infrequent after that. My family wanted me to come to Ithaca. I could hear the longing for completion in Esme's voice. Carlisle's pleading because he wanted to make Esme happy. He'd offered me a position at the hospital a few times, all of which I had numbly refused. Esme would try to coax me into joining them, but her attempts always ending up in silence. My silence.

After a few times, I couldn't bear to hear them suffer and selfish as I was so I checked in less and less.

I knew I was being selfish, as selfish as I had ever been.

My days, empty and unfamiliar were filled with void. Nothing.

I was nothing.

The only thing making it a little better was closing my eyes and seeing her face. As long as I stayed here in my own prison, I wasn't harming random girls who looked like Bella.

My brain had snapped to a point where more and more I was starting to think about going back.

Back to Forks.

Every time I thought of it, the idea was so powerful, so _healing_—like the words contained a strong anesthetic, washing away the mountain of pain I was buried under—that it made me gasp, made me dizzy.

I could leave now, I could go back.

Bella's face, always behind the lids of my eyes, smiled at me.

It was a smile of welcome, of forgiveness but it did not have the affect my subconscious probably intended if to have. It should have been encouraging. But it wasn't.

The mirage I had been seeing since I had left Forks was now burned into my mind and etched into my soul. It wasn't as inviting as I longed for it to be. It was scolding.

Of course I could not go back. What was my pain, after all, in comparison to her happiness? She _should _be able to smile, free from fear and danger. Free from a longing for a soulless future. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. When she left this world, she would go to a place that was forever barred to me no matter how I conducted myself here.

Bella was not and should never be responsible for my personal state of being. I could burn in hell forever and it would not be her obligation to care or make things right.

It was time for that bridge. That bridge that would allow me to meet my final fate.

The end of everything.

The idea of that final separation was so much more intense than the pain I already had. My body shook with it. When Bella went on to the place where she belonged and I never could. I would not linger here behind. There must be oblivion. There must be relief.

That was my hope, but there were no guarantees. _To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the nib. _I quoted to myself. Even when I was ash, would I somehow still feel the torture of her loss?

I shuddered again.

And, damn it. I'd promised. I'd promised her that I wouldn't haunt her life again, bring my black demons into it. I wasn't going back on my word. Couldn't I do anything right by her? Anything at all?

The idea of returning to the cloudy little town that would always be my true home on this planet snaked through my thoughts again.

Just to check. Just to see that she's well and safe and happy. Not to interfere. She would never know I was there...

_No. Damn it. No._

_You will keep to your word._

The phone vibrated again and as much as I wanted to ignore it, its buzzing enhanced the feeling of irritation I felt with myself. With my wavering state.

'Damn it. Damn it. Damn it." I growled.

I could use the distraction. I supposed. I flipped the phone open and registered the numbers with the first shock I'd felt in months.

Why would Rosalie be calling me? She was the one person who was probably enjoying my absence. The one I hadn't spoken to since Alaska.

There must be something truly wrong if she needed to talk to me. Suddenly worried for my family, I hit the send button.

"What?" I asked tensely.

"Oh wow, Edward answered the phone. I feel so honored," she sneered.

As soon as I heard her tone, I knew my family was fine. She must just be bored. It was hard to guess at her motives without her thoughts as a guide. Rosalie had never made much sense to me. Her impulses were usually founded on the most convoluted kinds of logic. I supposed that maybe she was calling me to annoy me, in which she was succeeding already.

I snapped the phone shut.

"Leave me alone," I whispered to nobody.

Of course the phone vibrated again at once.

Would she keep calling until she passed along whatever message she was planning to annoy me with? _Probably._ Rosalie was nothing if not persistent. It would take months for her to grow tired of this game. I toyed with the idea of letting her hit redial for the next half year...and then sighed and answered the phone again, knowing the sooner I'd let her spill whatever made her desperate to call me, the sooner I could go back to…_the darkness._

"Get on with it."

Rosalie rushed through the words. "I thought you would want to know that Alice is in Forks."

I opened my eyes and stared at the rotten wooden beams three inches from my face.

Alice was in Forks? In Forks, Washington? Alice was _home?_

"What?" My voice was flat, emotionless.

"You know how Alice is—thinks she knows everything. Like you," Rosalie chuckled humorlessly. Her voice had a nervous edge, like she was suddenly unsure about what she was doing.

I would've been able to pick up on this had it not been for my rage. It made it hard to care what Rosalie's problem was.

_Alice was in Forks_, I seethed silently

Alice had sworn to me that she would follow my lead in regards to Bella, though she did not agree with my decision. She'd promised that she would let Bella alone...for as long as I did. She would keep an eye on Victoria, but she would leave Bella out of it.

Clearly, she'd thought I would eventually fold to the pain. Maybe she was right about that.

But despite her pre-cognitive idea that I was weak – that was surely what she'd use as an excuse when I confronted her- I hadn't yet. Maybe she was tricking me.

So what was she doing in Forks? I wanted to wring her skinny neck. Not that Jasper would let me get that close to her once he caught a whiff of the fury blowing out of me...

"Are you still there? Edward?"

I didn't answer. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingertips, wondering if it were possible for a vampire to get a migraine.

On the other hand, if Alice had already gone back...

There was no reason for me not to follow. Maybe there was a danger. It could be Victoria and Bella would be unprotected and…

_No. No. No. No._

I'd made a promise. Bella deserved a life. I'd made a promise. Bella deserved a life.

I repeated the words like a mantra, trying to clear my head of the seductive image of Bella's dark window. The doorway to my only sanctuary.

No doubt I would have to grovel, were I to return. I didn't mind that. I could happily spend the next decade on my knees if I were with her. I would do anything.

_No. no. no._

"Edward? Don't you even care why Alice is there?"

"Not particularly," I spat, hoping that if I sounded disinterested, Rosalie would drop it and leave me alone.

Rosalie's voice turned a trifle smug now. Pleased, no doubt, that she'd forced a response from me.

"Well, of course, she's not exactly breaking the rules. I mean, you only warned us to stay away from Bella, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter."

_Huh?_ Going to Forks would make it impossible for Alice to stay away from Bella.

Unless Bella wasn't there…

I blinked my eyes slowly. Bella had left? My thoughts circled around the unexpected idea. She hadn't graduated yet so perhaps she had returned to her mother. That was good. She should live in sunshine. It was good that she'd been able to put the shadows behind her.

I tried to swallow, and couldn't.

Rosalie trilled a nervous laugh. '"So you don't need to be angry with Alice."

"'Then why did you call me, Rosalie, if not to get Alice in trouble? Why are you bothering me? Ugh!"

I was about to close my phone again, tired of this mind game Rosalie seemed to enjoy playing.

"'Wait!" she said, sensing, rightly, that I was able to hang up again. "That's not why I called."

"Then why? Tell me quickly, and then _leave me alone."_

"Well..." she hesitated.

"'Spit it out. Rosalie. You have ten seconds."

"I think you should come home, Rosalie said in a rush. "'I'm tired of Esme grieving and Carlisle never laughing. You should feel ashamed at what you've done to them. Emmett misses you all the time and it's getting on my nerves. You have a family. Grow up and think about something besides yourself."

"Interesting advice. Rosalie. Let me tell you a little story about a pot and a kettle..."

"I _am _thinking about them, unlike you. Don't you care how much you've hurt Esme if no one else? She loves you more than the rest of us and you know that. Come home."

I didn't answer for I knew she was right about her assessment. Unfortunately, it still didn't make me care enough to give in.

"'I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished, you would get over it."

"Forks was never the problem, Rosalie," I said, trying – to be patient but failing. What she'd said about Esme and Carlisle had struck a chord though. "Just because Bella" —it was hard to say her name out loud, harder than an time I'd spend thinking of her…this tore through me — "has moved to Florida, if doesn't mean that I'm able" - I was choking on the words....

"Look, Rosalie. I really am sorry, but trust me it wouldn't make anyone happier if I were there."

"Um..."

There it was. That nervous hesitation again. This time, I did pick up on it.

It made me strangely nervous too.

"What is it that you're not telling me Rosalie? Is Esme all right? Is Carlisle—"

"'They're fine. It's just...well…I didn't say that Bella _moved"_

I didn't speak. I ran over our conversation in my head. Yes. Rosalie _had _said that Bella had moved. She'd said: _...you only warned us to stay away from Bella, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter. _And then: / _thought once this whole Forks thing was finished... _So Bella wasn't in Forks. What in the name of something holy was Rosalie getting at? Bella hadn't moved?

If she hadn't moved than _where was she?_

Before I could mull this over, Rosalie was rushing through her words again, saying them almost angrily this time.

"They didn't want to tell you. But I think that's stupid. The quicker you get over this; the sooner things can go back to normal. Why let you mope around the dark corners of the world when there's no need for it? You can come home now. We can be a family again. It's over."

My mind seemed to be broken. I couldn't make sense of her words. It was like there was something very, very obvious she was telling me. But I had no idea what it was. My brain played with the information, making strange patterns of it. Nonsensical. Why would we go back to Forks? Where was Bella? Where was my ability to understand nouns and verbs and comprehend whatever it was Rosalie was trying to tell me?

"Edward?"

"I don't understand what you are saying, Rosalie." I told her honestly.

A long pause, the length of a few human heartbeats. That's how long it took for Rosalie to kill me. Metaphorically.

"She's dead. Edward."

A longer pause. My mouth wouldn't move. My mind was blank, empty. The words Rosalie had spoken were echoing there, but their meaning had yet to hit me.

I was numb. _More void._

"I'm...sorry. You have a right to know though, I think. Bella... threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it. But it was too late to do anything. I think she would have helped, though, broken her word, if there had been time. She went back to do what she could for Charlie. You know how she's always cared for him—"

The phone went dead. It took me a few seconds to realize that I'd shut the power off.

I sat in the dusty darkness for a long, frozen space. It was like time had ended. Like the universe had stopped.

Slowly, moving like an old man. I turned my phone back on and dialed the one number I'd promise myself I would never call again. But I had to know if the words were true.

If it was her, I would hang up. If it was Charlie, I'd get the information I needed through subterfuge. I'd prove Rosalie's sick little joke wrong, and then go back to my nothingness and stay there.

"Swan residence," answered a voice I'd never heard before. A man's husky voice, deep, but still youthful. I would have questioned it at any other time, but the details did not matter now.

I didn't even pause to think about the implications of that.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I said, perfectly imitating my father's voice. "May I please speak to Charlie?"

"He's not here," the voice responded, and I was dimly surprised by the anger in it. The words were almost a snarl. But that didn't matter either. Nothing did but the one truth I was looking for. The only thing to keep me afloat.

"Well, where is he then?" I demanded, getting impatient.

There was a short pause, as if the stranger wanted to withhold the information from me.

"He's at the funeral," the boy finally answered.

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**Parts of the dialogue are from Stephenie Meyer's outtake from New Moon; called "Rosalie's News" You can find it on her website. Some parts I slightly edited.**

**Title and words at the beginning are from a song called "Void" by Darren Hayes.**


	18. Death Becomes Us

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. ****All rights reserved worldwide.**

* * *

**Chapter 13: DEATH BECOMES US**

**_Waiting for hours_**

_Hours turn to days_

_Days turn to years_

_I'm still here_

_He's at the funeral_

Charlie was at a funeral.

_He's at the funeral._

The boy's words –_Jacob's_ words I recalled as I managed to match the voice to a face – had been angry and clear.

I tried to understand the emotion behind the words; the voice had been a combination of flat and hostile.

I realized that his intonation had been relatively friendly -or rather it had sounded neutral - until I had announced myself as my father; Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Naturally, given the history between his tribe and mine, this would spark a reaction in the boy. It was no secret his family was not fan of mine. The moment he had found out who he was talking to had marked the change in his verbal demeanor. It was a given he would not be thrilled to speak to any member of my family.

Plus, I put together as well – it probably made sense he hated my family even more now that Bella had died.

He must blame us. Blame us for interacting with Bella in the first place; for allowing us to get close to her. Blame us for even coming to Forks.

He must hate how irreversible all of that seemed now. His hate was masking his grief.

_Wait? Why do I even care how the boy feels?_

It was so clinical, the rationalization of the boy's words, until that final thought. It snapped me right back into the reality of things.

Bella was dead. Therefore Jacob Black had mentioned a funeral. The hatred in his voice would not change the words he had spoken.

Charlie was at Bella's funeral.

_Bella's funeral._

The temperature in the crawl space felt like it had dropped to a chilling below zero. I knew it was not factually possible because it was a warm and humid Brazilian night. Still, my body felt like it was as icy as it felt when humans would touch a vampire's skin. Inside I felt colder than any temperature I had ever physically experienced. And I was used to a lot of temperature changes; the arctic Alaskan arctic air had never phased me, but now I felt like a lump of ice. I felt like what I must have felt like to Bella. Cold, ice-cold.

My shudders mirrored the coolness of like what Bella must feel like now. Cold. Still.

Dead.

The goose bumps were imaginary, but I felt them on my skin, like a sinister marking of sorrow.

Emotionally, a reaction seemed to be building. It was like a mathematical puzzle I could not solve. I ran past the words in my mind, tried them quietly on my tongue, and twisted them in different explanation but the conclusion seemed resolute and final.

Bella was dead.

I sat there, in that disgusting attic, waiting for some kind of sign. Some kind of relief. Something to break me out of this unfamiliar trance. I could feel my mind wrapping around the words; the horrible news, but my mind didn't give an appropriate reaction.

There were no tears to stain my cheeks, no outlet for the overwhelming emotions that were about to erupt from inside me like a volcano of despair.

I waited for it to happen, but it didn't.

Nothing changed. The solitude atmosphere remained quiet. My phone remained silent, which was good. I didn't have the strength to deal with anything. Anyone. If Alice was in Forks, then surely she'd be informing the rest of my family soon enough, or maybe she already had. And I couldn't deal with their pity, their sadness. I didn't want their possible acceptance of Bella's demise and their desire to move on. Well, that's what Rosalie had hinted at, so maybe it was only her desire.

I wanted to laugh. Loudly. I wanted an outlet. A change. I needed something to pull me out of this black reverie. Something that would proof me this was all a hoax.

This wasn't happening. This had to be a joke of some kind. I did not believe in the cosmic humor lingering in tragic events, but this had to be a mistake. Bella could not be dead.

It was laughable, the way I tried to reason, deep down inside I knew that. The way I tried to convince myself was near pathetic, but it was the only straw I had left to grasp.

Below me there were rumblings, sounds. Smells and interactions. Voices and thoughts.

_There was life._

There was life going on around me. Time was still moving. This meant that the world was still turning. And if the world still turned than Bella had to be alive. After all, everything, every little thing in this world would cease to exist if Bella did.

Clearly nothing had ceased to exist yet, so it had to be a mistake for sure.

Yes, I was definitely grasping at the largest straws I could find.

I replayed the information I had again. Rosalie's words, Jacob's words. There was some strange anomaly about what they had said. Their words did not make sense, because they were wrong. The wrong sentiment, the wrong explanation. The words had to be untrue.

_Bella... threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it. But it was too late to do anything. I think she would have helped, though, broken her word, if there had been time. She went back to do what she could for Charlie. You know how she's always cared for him—_

Rosalie must have misunderstood Alice. Alice must have had a false vision to try and get me to come to Ithaca. I knew I hadn't treated my family well. I knew I owed them a visit. I owed them much more than I continued to give them so Alice must have been eager to pull out all the stops, she must have been desperate to reunite me with the family, thinking conducting a fake vision was the way to do it.

Or perhaps she wanted me to go straight to Forks even. Alice may not be a pathological liar but she certainly knew how to bend the truth. So was that it? Was this her final push to get me to come back to Forks? Her demand for me to crawl at Bella's feet and beg her for forgiveness? Was that it?

I wondered briefly if maybe Alice had seen a different vision. Not the one of doom that she had clearly informed Rosalie about, but a more positive one. Maybe she had seen a future for me and Bella and in an ultimate way to persuade me to return to Forks she had faked a vision about Bella's death, in hopes that would be my final push to travel back to Washington.

It seemed like quite a cruel way to do this, but Alice was all about the theatrics. It would explain Rosalie's words as well. She had seemed to care very little about the news. Only wishing for things to go back to normal. Could the joke be on her then? Could Rosalie's wish for normalcy with the family about to be killed by the realization that Alice was trying to lure me back to Forks to have me unite with Bella and unite us all…

The more I thought of it, the more my mind tried to trick me into a state of it making sense. I grabbed this straw and held on to it firmly. Bella would never jump off a cliff. It was the most ridiculous assumption to believe she would do that. She knew better than to do something so reckless. Physically and emotionally. Not to mention the fact she had promised me she'd take care of herself for Charlie's sake. And I knew Bella. She would never break a promise.

Surely Alice knew this too. Bella was not the type of person to forsake a promise. If not for me, than certainly she would never break a promise to Charlie and Renée, even if they didn't know a thing about the promise she had made me. She loved her parents and she would not put them to this kind of suffering. I could not imagine an event so strong, it would literally force her to take her own life.

Still, it was one thing to have a misinformed Rosalie who told me Bella had died. Alice was a good manipulator. And her visions weren't always accurate, as had been proven before. She had seen Bella become one of us and that never came to pass. Also, she saw things based on people's actions and I was certain that no matter what, Bella would never simply jump off a cliff.

There was only one thought, one belief that protested strongly against what my mind was so eagerly rejecting by fiercely trying to embrace a lie.

One possible truth.

The boy…Jacob Black…would he lie? Would his animosity against my family run deep enough to sell a lie this big? Would he lie about a funeral, thus confirming Bella's death? I could not believe he would do that. Bella would never allow him to.

Unless his motives were the opposite of sincere, he'd gain nothing by pretending Bella was dead. His voice, dripping with bitter hatred had sounded honest, if anything. He wasn't playing any games.

And so I had nothing left but to conclude he had spoken the truth.

The one truth I would never be ready to face.

The problem with reality is it slams into you like a battering ram and there's no way to prevent it. It's unexpected, it knocks you off your feet and it's difficult to recover, especially when that truth is extremely painful. This truth was beyond pain. Beyond reason. If my mind had not been permanently set because of my immortality, I would have suspected I would go mad. That my brain would snap.

But it didn't. Nothing changed. Everything remained the same. The world hadn't halted and still moved. The words in my head didn't change that. The pain that was spreading from head to toe didn't change that. I could scream, kick and even kill but it would not change anything.

Bella was dead.

_Dead._

I tried the words yet again but they still felt false. I wanted to call Alice for confirmation, but my phone lay silently at my feet. I contemplated rocking myself in one singular constant motion just to have some sort of movement, some sort of change, but I just sat there like a statue. Allowing the pain to wash over me.

Over and over, like crashing waves slamming into me, like I was pulled under. Even the monster was silenced for once. There was no temptation left for him, so he hung his ugly head in defeat and acceptance. The beast would never again be enticed into hunting the exquisite angel.

_I _would never be tempted by her scent again. I would never taste her fragrance on my tongue. Never feel her blush heat my fingers. Never.

What was I supposed to do now?

Bella was dead. Gone. It didn't make a difference that I played the words over and over in my head, hoping to find a new way to explain them.

It would not make them untrue, no matter how hard I tried.

No matter how badly I wanted them to.

What was left of me now? Left for me now? It wasn't like before. Before Bella.

There would never again be a "before Bella" kind of life. I would not be able to bear it. To go back to that monotony, knowing what I once had.

I could not go back and live with my family. The idea of seeing them go about life in pairs, observing me with pity and sadness evident in their eyes, made me cringe just thinking about it. I would not be able to deal with that day in, day out. I knew there wasn't even a sense of monotony left. No rhythm, no boredom. Just a large irreplaceable void that would never be filled. Not even with a every day routine.

As I sat there, close to complete catatonia I understood more than ever that time was meaningless. The marking of days were meaningless. Everything was meaningless.

The bridge. I had not only reached it now, but I was standing on the ledge. It was different than when I had first arrived here two months ago. I had been lost then; lost because Sao Paolo wasn't my home. Lost because I was alone. Lost because my heart was still with the one who…

The one who I had lost now. Forever.

This was my bridge and I was going to jump off, instead of trying to cross it.

The promise of finding an end soothed the aching a little and a strange determination came over me. I was going to finish this. It was unfair that this world, cruel and empty as it was now, would continue to turn when all I wanted was for it to stop turning. I wanted time to freeze. I wanted everything to stop to serve my selfish need for everything ceasing to exist.

Why was there still life? When mine was certainly over. It made no sense. The world was supposed to stop, life was supposed to end when Bella was no longer here. But everything kept moving. People were still loud and happy in the spaces below me. There were still sounds that pointed to human activity. There was no other apocalypse but my own.

This had to stop. It needed to end. If the world would not accompany me by simply stop turning, I would find my own way.

I'd find a bridge high enough to jump off. Not literally, of course since great heights could not kill me. Carlisle had tried that and it had failed to kill him.

Starving myself to death would also be pointless. I had stopped hunting regularly months ago and it didn't affect me.

I needed to resort to more definitive and desperate measures.

I thought back of a time when I needed to consider this before.

Last spring.

When Bella had almost died at the hands – and teeth- of James.

_Almost._

I choked back more stone tears, knowing they'd never fall. I didn't even get that. I didn't even have an emotional release, apart from punching things. I didn't have the energy to do that. It would not bring Bella back.

This needed to stop. The ache inside me was slowly tearing me. It needed to stop.

The empty spot where my dead heart had silently beat for Bella.

It needed to stop aching.

My limbs, always so flexible, felt stiff from the position on the floor I had been in. I rose slowly and stretched. It felt unfamiliar, like I didn't feel my own movements. Like I was absent from my own body.

Detached from my mind.

I grabbed the phone and slid it in my pocket, before descending the narrow flight of stairs that led to the third floor. It was abandoned now, because all the activity had moved to the ground floor. There was a large window with white transparent curtains at the end of the hallway. I was drawn to it. The pure white of the curtains looked so innocent. The purity was calling out to me, weaving itself into the cloud of darkness that hung around.

I moved closer, feeling a near warm evening breeze against my skin. It was almost as warming as feeling Bella's breath on my lips.

A breath she'd never take again.

_Focus, Edward. It'll all be over soon. You won't have to bear this much longer. Just remain calm and follow the plan._

If Bella was gone, I didn't want to remain. I didn't want to exist.

I pulled myself to the window pane with a few slow, dragging steps. I peeked out and noticed that a jump – or rather fall – would not be more than a few feet. Certainly not lethal.

_You can jump, Edward. But it won't kill you._

I growled at my own subconscious. Of course a jump would not kill me. Unfortunately.

As I stood there, lifting one foot to climb on the edge of the window pane, I was shocked to realize that Bella had done the same. Perhaps she had climbed the rugged cliff area near the ocean – had it been near La Push…First Beach – onto a higher peek. Only to look down and find a black hole, ready and eager to suck her into its vortex of doom and death.

Why had that not stopped her? Why did she not know that she didn't have to do that? Had she been so utterly foolish?

Briefly I thought if perhaps a murder was possible, maybe someone had forced her.

But then Rosalie's words came back to me and this time I could not pretend Rosalie had been duped by a faux vision.

_Bella…threw herself off a cliff…_

Yes, she had been utterly foolish. She had done this willingly. She had taken herself away from me willingly.

_Don't be selfish, Edward. You left her_, my subconscious chided me.

Of course, I could not blame her. But that didn't mean I understood why she had done this. Why would she commit suicide?

_The reason is not important. All you have to do is follow after her. In hopes of finding her somewhere._

I placed my other foot on the ledge, ready to jump.

I took a deep –unnecessary – breath and let myself fall.

I landed on the floor with a small thud but that was only because I didn't control the jump. I would have easily landed on my feet, if I had changed the angle, but I had chosen not to.

The hard sandy ground did not hurt me.

Nothing did.

I lifted myself from the ground and started walking. I reached inside my pocket and pulled my phone out. With it came a small piece of shiny material. It was slightly crumpled from being in my pocket so long.

Bella's image smiled back at me. It was the photo I had taken from her house.

I cringed at the pain of seeing her smile.

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I passed a dumpster and threw my phone in.

My plan could not use any interruptions. From no one.

I stared back at the photo one more time before putting it back into my pocket.

Slowly I started walking, as if I was testing new limbs…heavier and unrecognizable. But the longer I moved, the easier it came. Before I knew it, I was running, faster. The streets were nearly abandoned, but I didn't care if people saw me.

They would not be able to keep my from where I was going.

No one could.

As I ran, I remembered. Another vision Alice had, back when we'd been in Denali.

I closed my eyes to recall it, allowing the air around me to guide me as my legs carried me as fast as they could.

Behind the lids of my eyes I saw the white stone arms – my white stone arms - sparkling in a light bounding off some dark place.

A stone wall perhaps, though it was very difficult to tell for sure.

I recognized the arms though. Those white stone arms were mine and they were not empty.

They were wrapped around the beautiful angel, the siren. The one who would heal everything.

I now realized what Alice had showed me back then, though I was not certain she had realized it herself.

It had been the image of my own demise. My final moments.

I nearly smiled at the peace I sensed in the memory.

I knew where to find a stone wall like in the vision. I knew how to achieve the vision itself.

I opened my eyes and picked up the pace.

Smiling.

I was going to _Volterra._

_I was going to die._

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**If you want to know when I update, follow me on Twitter. Twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**We are getting closer to Volterra. These chapters are somewhat shorter, but they will be made up for once we get to the reunion stuff. Plus, pretty soon we'll get to meet those crazy Volturi. Always fun ;)**

**Reviews are welcome and appreciated!**

**First lines are from Longview's "Can't explain"**

**Happy Sunday!**


	19. Volterra

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**Note: this chapter Volterra is not corresponding with the same chapter in New Moon.**

**Big thanks to Jen for providing so much Volterra info! Thanks to Ari for helping me with the Italiano.**

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**Chapter 14: VOLTERRA**

"Are you here on business or for pleasure?"

The clerk at the airport in Paris eyed me skeptically, as if to say he honestly didn't care about my answer. Which he didn't, judging from his inner monologue in French. It told me he was finishing up a twelve hour shift and was in no mood for deep and thoughtful chit chat.

That made two of us.

His uniform was two sizes too small and he smelled like he hadn't showered in a while. His English was poor and his face was frozen in a grimace that spoke loud enough for anyone with a slight sense of human behavior to notice he was expressing he had plenty of places to be and none of them were behind this desk.

_Didn't we all have other places to be,_ I wondered silently.

I'd taken the first available flight from Sao Paulo's Guarulhos International airport, which had flown as far as Paris. Arriving there I had to transfer to catch a flight to Rome, because there had been no direct flights.

"I am just passing through," I told the clerk politely. He nodded as he checked my passport and arranged my ticket.

And that was all it was. Passing through. No more, no less. There was nothing significant about me being here at Charles de Gaulle International Airport.

There was only the end result, the goal I needed to reach. Eyes on the prize, so to speak. In a very wry and almost ironic way because my price was after all death.

Such a morbid reward and one I probably did not even deserve. Death would be kind, compared to the agony I had to bear now. And I knew I didn't deserve that kindness, I knew that suffering was more appropriate and deserving.

But selfishness seemed to be my second nature or maybe even my primary one. No matter what I did, I always ended up doing the wrong thing, the selfish thing.

"Just this one bag?"

I whispered a yes as the clerk pulled me out of my reverie. He eyed me with caution, wondering if I was having a mental breakdown. He was not far off. I was keeping up a human façade for as long as I had to but never before had it taken me this much effort.

My nature made it necessary to keep up pretences and even during my happiest days I had found it to be very difficult to be in large crowds, like the ones at airports. There were too many minds, too much static bothering me.

And now that everything had been swept away by the darkness that was overtaking me more and more with each second passing, the voices and minds attacked me like killer bees. I wanted it to stop, I wanted peace. I wanted everyone to basically shut up.

I wanted silence.

Death.

"You can take it with you, it is carry-on luggage," the clerk murmured after he handed me my passport back.

My luggage was irrelevant. In fact, all I needed was my credit card so I could pay for my transportation to Volterra as soon as I arrived in Rome. But since travelling without a bag would look suspicious at an airport these days, I had decided it would be best if I carried it with me for now and then dump the bag somewhere in Rome.

After check in, I made it through customs and then went straight to the departure hall. Minds, sounds and scents attacked me there and I tried my hardest to pay no attention to any of it.

I glanced at one of the large clocks hanging prominently in the middle of the large hall.

This entire journey was taking up a lot of time.

Too much time.

And time was of the essence here.

It was ironic how humans found that when they were about to lose their life, when they realized they were running _out_ of time, it was the one thing they suddenly wanted to hold onto. They always wanted more of it.

More time. More life.

I wanted the opposite. I wanted time to stop. I wanted everything to stop.

Officially my human life had ended in 1918 and ever since then I'd been existing. Because living without a heart beat was not living.

But then I had temporarily experienced what true living meant, only to have it taken from me the moment Bella had jumped off that darn cliff.

So ultimately, my life had never been mine to live. It had never been mine to own.

Not the first time when I was human and the Spanish flu had almost claimed me. Not the second time when Bella had made me feel alive. Both times I had lost it due to secondary circumstances.

It had never been my choice to end my life. Until now.

Without a life, without a heartbeat; imaginary or real, I was nothing.

Without Bella I was nothing.

And Bella was dead.

_Tick_. One second.

The moment I threatened to forget, something would instantly remind me of that fact.

Bella was dead.

_Tock._ Another second.

Today, no matter how, I would end my life.

I would not remain if Bella was no longer somewhere in this world.

Bella was dead.

More seconds passing.

The words pulsed like a throbbing bruise. The pain was inescapable. I couldn't even execute the power of deep breathing to calm myself to relieve the pain a little. It never faded; it only grew stronger as time passed with the achingly slow pace of miniscule seconds.

Time, it was conspiring against me. And unlike humans who were running out of it, I was technically not on my deathbed so I was also not running out of it.

After all, this was voluntary. And humans didn't often die voluntarily. I wondered of Bella had died out of her own free will.

Sure, she had jumped so that made it seem like she had agreed with her own choice, but in my time I had seen plenty of humans who had wanted to die but feared the moment of death itself.

They'd seemingly stand behind the choice they had made, only to find that in those final seconds, those few moments they'd have before their bodies would give it, they had second thoughts on the whole concept of dying willingly.

Had Bella been afraid? If she had jumped willingly and it truly seemed that she had, how did she manage to escape the fear of dying?

I mean, I wasn't afraid of it. I wanted to die so for me it was almost something to look forward to. But Bella was – had been - human. I could not imagine she had dived to her death without fear.

The idea was not nearly as painful as the knowledge of her actual demise, but it tormented me nonetheless to think Bella spend her final moments in fear.

Then again, Bella had proven to be fearless when it came to brushing with death. The fact she had remained close to me whilst knowing what I was and hadn't preserved any sense of self had illustrated that. Not to mention the fact she had willingly met James at the ballet studio, knowing the chances he'd kill her would be probable.

Maybe Bella had welcomed death after all. She certainly hadn't feared it in the past.

It seemed impossible. The idea of it momentarily pushed back the pain and allowed what little anger I could muster up to break through.

Bella had promised me she would not do anything reckless. What would be more reckless than this? Why would she jump off a cliff, knowing it would devastate Charlie and Renée?

It would devastate my family.

_Me_.

I had no reason to be selfish about this. I'd been very clear with Bella. I had told her I didn't want her anymore and while it had been the biggest of lies, she had believed me, so I was certainly not a prominent reason for her _not_ to take her own life.

But still. My mind could not wrap itself around the fact she had actually killed herself willingly. Bella wasn't one to ever give up. Not unless she saw no other way out.

The only question lingering was; had she seen no other way out? What could have pushed her to do this?

I'd never get an answer.

It was 5.00 PM and the flight to Rome had been quiet, because most passengers had been asleep.

A small relief because the attack of their voices – inner and outer – had been less penetrating that way.

I was now waiting at a small car rental desk in a far corner of the airport, near one of the exits. I had dumped my luggage in one of the garbage disposals at the airport. The only thing I carried on me was my credit card and the photo of Bella I had taken with me when I had left Forks.

The goal was simple; get to Volterra as fast as I could.

I tried to get the attention of the Italian middle aged man behind the counter.

He turned when I offered him a quiet greeting. I managed to produce a small and hopefully reassuring smile as he looked me over.

His name tag read Luigi and he eyed me speculatively. He was tanned compared to my ghost like complexion. His mind, rattling off in Italian wondered if I was in fact a ghost.

Close, but not yet.

"Come posso aiutarla?" He asked me how he could help me.

I gave him a polite nod and answered him, asking for a car. Preferable a fast one.

"Vorrei noleggiare un'auto. La più veloce che ha"

The sooner I'd get to Volterra, the better. Now was not a time to be wasted and I had already wasted a plenty. A fast car would at least help me make up for lost time a little.

"Tutto quello che ho a disposizione e' una Maserati del 1993"

The rental service only had a 1993 Maserati available. Great. That was anything but a fast car because the model was quite old. I contemplated to find another rent-a-car service but decided against it. That would take even more time.

And I really wanted to get this over with.

"La prendo"

I told him I'd take it. What other choice did I have? It seemed I was running out of options all together. Busy lines at the airport, no fast car. It wasn't like I had time to spare here.

Prolonging the inevitable was only making the pain worse.

The Maserati proved to be as slow as I expected it to be and while a tourist might have enjoyed going a measly 80 miles an hour to enjoy the scenery, I'd been hoping for something a little faster.

No such luck. Travelling from Fiumicino Airport to Volterra was about 200 miles. With the speed I was going it would take me more than three hours. I pressed the gas pedal down with urgency but it only caused the Maserati to squeak at the amount of pressure.

It reminded me of Bella's truck. That thing had never been able to take anything over 50 miles.

Bella's truck. It would forever be older than Bella herself.

Because Bella was dead.

The fact of her demise snuck into my head once more, closing up my throat and choking me. The place where my heart lay silent was aching with the worst of torture.

The world was meaningless now. Absolutely, completely meaningless. I could not enjoy the landscapes I passed.

And time didn't help me. It didn't speed up, it only went slower.

That only gave me more time to think of Bella. Of all she had meant to me. Everything she still meant to me. She _was_ everything. I hated the idea that she had died with the belief I didn't want her. I'd never be able to correct that.

Every thought belonged to her, her memory and my desire to die.

Eventually, the time reached 8.30 PM. As the Italian sun set, I reached my final destination.

_Volterra._

I had to admit, it was a very scenic and beautiful place and I would have enjoyed being there to take it all in, had I been there for different reasons.

The town lay on a hill; up high and overlooking the country side. It still had its medieval walls; most of them build in the old days. The walls had several gates surrounding it which served as entrances into the town centre.

As I reached town limits, if that's what one could call them, I maneuvered the car through the outskirts to reach the centre.

This proved to be challenging, because Volterra had narrow stone-paved streets. The buildings were generally made of stone as well. Several of these narrow streets had archways over top while others were just narrow walkways or stairways.

Definitely not very car friendly.

It took me a while, since there were crush barriers put on some streets but I managed to get close to where the Palazzo dei Priori was.

I left the old Maserati somewhere in the shadows of one of the nooks of a building on an abandoned parking lot. I was lucky the sun had set, so it could not contribute to any possible exposing by making my skin look like a shimmering disco ball. There were enough spots of shadow to keep somewhat stealthy as I moved swiftly down the streets, looking for a way to get close to the Palazzo.

The Palazzo was centered on the Piazza dei Priori, a town square which was surrounded by several medieval buildings: The Palazzo dei Priori with the Palazzo Pretorio. Other buildings around the Piazza included the Palazzo Vescovile, Palazzo del Podesta, Palazzo Incontri, Palazzo Demaniale and the back of the Duomo; the church.

The Duomo Santa Maria Assunta didn't look especially scenic on the outside but the interior had a great renaissance ceiling thanks to the Medici's. It was a very appealing tourist spot and one of the focal points of Volterra.

The Volturi hated religion but they welcomed the popularity of the church because it drew in many tourists and tourists meant…

_Dinner._

The Volturi. The ones I came to see. The only ones who could grant me the absolution I longed for. Death.

They were an ancient and powerful coven of vampires, I had told Bella about them right before the birthday party disaster. They were what royalty meant to humans. They acted as guardians, keeping the secret society of vampires hidden from the human world. They would destroy anyone who attempted to overthrow them or resist their authority. The Palazzo was their home, so to speak. They resided there, unbeknownst to the humans who lived in the small populated areas around the centre and the outskirts.

As I got closer to the Piazza I noticed the streets were rather crowded with humans, even at this time of night. Some of them were actually dressed in red cloaks, while others wearing typical tourist outfits; shorts, t-shirts and cameras around their necks.

I realized the tourists would be here because of the St. Marcus Day festival that was being celebrated tomorrow. That explained the crush barriers I'd seen earlier as well because they marked the route the many processions would follow.

St. Marcus Day festival was a festival that celebrated the saint and martyr Marcus, who'd lived in Volterra thousands of years ago. The story was that he had chased all vampires out of Volterra and then was martyred in Rome where he'd been trying to chase away the vampires as well.

In reality the humans were actually celebrating Marcus of the Volturi. Instead of chasing away vampires, he had made humans believe the myths of garlic and crosses, making them think they were safe, when in reality; no one ever was safe from the Volturi.

_The festival was tomorrow._

_How appropriate._

_How convenient._

Appropriate for obvious reasons. I too was a martyr. A martyr of my own convictions. I had no options left but death and welcomed the idea and actual moment with gladness. But my actions were less than selfless. Then again, so had been Marcus' actions.

He too was no real martyr.

The convenience lay in the fact that the Volturi would already have extra security roaming around because of tomorrow's celebrations. This meant I would stick out like a sore thumb.

This could prove to be helpful, because the sooner one of their guards spotted me, the sooner I'd be able to come face to face with them.

I tried to stay in the shadows as much as I could, because exposing myself in any way would mean game over. That was the one rule we had to abide to: never expose ourselves to the humans. Of course, I had broken that rule.

If all else failed and the Volturi would deny me my request, I could always reveal that to make sure they'd follow through in some other way. After all, no deed would go unpunished. Surely they'd never let me get away with it.

It didn't matter how I would reach my goal. Either way would be painful. If I requested to be killed, it would look more dignified though perhaps quite the opposite as well, all depending on one's perception. If I demanded them to kill me because I had broken their rules, I'd be a rebel or martyr. If I told them the real reason why I wanted to die, they'd probably find me a pathetic excuse for a vampire.

I moved through the crowds as they were closing in on me.

People barely noticed me as I moved down the side of the Piazza, trying to remain in the shadows as much as I could. Even though the sun had set and a cool breeze was siwrling around, it didn't prevent people from staying in the Piazza and enjoy the Italian evening. And I really didn't want to stand out.

As I moved, keeping a close eye on my surroundings, I sensed I was being followed.

Not by a human. The Volturi already knew I was here.

They were quick that was certain.

When I finally reached the Palazzo, I noticed a small break in the stone walls, almost like a nook but it lead into an alley. It was small and barely visible and right under the clocktower.

I decided to take my chances and moved towards the alley. The stone walls were a little less narrow as I walked, though the street didn't have any light coming in from above.

I was straight under the clock tower now.

I embraced the shadows of the old building. I also didn't have time to make out where precisely I was heading because I was already welcomed.

_Well, welcomed…_

A large vampire was smirking at me. I could tell he pitied me for some reason. He reminded me of Emmett with his physique, though his hair was cropped short and black.

This had to be Felix. One of the Volturi guards.

He was not alone. Next to him was a vampire who also had an olive complexion with a chalky pallor. He had dark hair that reached his shoulders. He was just as tall as Felix, but more lean instead of bulked up.

Demetri.

Demetri was a tracker with a grander ability than James whereas Felix was a simple fighter. He had no special powers but he was probably kept in the Volturi guard due to his strength.

Demetri wasn't smirking, though he was intrigued as to why I was here. Gathering from his mind it had been a while since a vampire had willingly entered the Palazzo in order to meet the Volturi.

"You're not supposed to be here vampire," Felix hissed menacingly.

I wanted to roll my eyes at his snarling tone. That would not scare me.

"I am here to see your master," I growled.

Felix rolled his eyes. "I have more than one."

"The Volturi, I need to see them," I demanded coolly.

"And why is that, vampire?" Demetri intercepted. His thoughts were more neutral. It appeared as if he was willing to give me a chance to explain myself while Felix just wanted to fight and kill me.

Well means to an end. If talking would not get me inside, I could always allow Felix some fun.

It was not like I had any dignity left, so picking a willing fight could prove as effective as asking the Volturi to kill me.

Whatever got me what I needed would do.

"Because I need a favor from your masters," I muttered.

I was getting impatient. I wasn't here to waste time on conversation.

"I have a request to make," I spat. "So take me to them because I can assure you the request is not for you."

Felix grinned, Demetri frowned. Felix was eager to fight me and was hoping he'd get the chance. Demetri was trying to figure me out. He was slightly astonished to find I had the guts to stand here, on their territory no less and demand to see his leaders.

"Nice try, vampire, but that's not how it works," Felix grinned. "But keep going; give me a reason to stop you."

"Felix," Demetri growled. "Don't."

"What? Clearly this thing in front of us thinks he is somewhat superior. You know how they _feel _about this. A pathetic vampire demanding to see our leaders. Not going to happen. Not without a fight."

Felix turned back to me, flexing his arm in emphasis. "You want to see them, you go through me."

"I think Aro would not mind seeing the vampire."

"Yeah, well I think you're wrong. We're guards, Demetri. We protect our masters; we're not here to pass judgment. We are here to keep the threats away. Or have you forgotten that?" Felix hissed as he popped his knuckles in anticipation.

It was almost comical to see them go at it. I was hoping maybe they'd fight each other so that I could slip past.

But they were stopped before any of us could act on impulse.

"Stop that," a voice sounded from the alley.

"Jane," Demetri acknowledged with a sigh.

A small cloaked figure appeared.

Jane was tiny with lank, pale brown hair trimmed semi short. Her face would seem both angelic and fiercely childlike to humans, and even lovely when animated and smiling. Her pale skin stood out even more in combination with her hair and eyes; which were wide and sometimes filled with childlike innocence, especially when she had to lure in humans. She had a rather slim and androgynous figure. She looked and sounded like a child, but it was just pretence to make humans feel more comfortable around her. I mean, obviously the girl had been changed very young, so she would forever look that way, but behind the farcical physical innocence lay a viciousness no human could ever bear.

I had heard about her abilities. Jane could inflict the most horrid of mental pains. She would get into your head and make you believe you were being tortured.

I did not fear that, however. The pain I currently carried with me was the most torturous kind already, so there was no way Jane's power could ever truly hurt me.

Jane eyed me with interest, a small smirk playing on her lips as she looked me over. She did not speak however and after a few seconds she turned around to something behind her.

It turned out to be another cloaked figure. Boy-like.

"What is going on here?" the boy who had moved next to her wondered.

"Possible trouble, Alec." Jane murmured as she turned to stare at me again.

Alec resembled Jane very much. He had the same pale skin and blood-red eyes though his lips weren't as full as Jane's, and his hair was a darker brown. He was however just as short as his sister is in height.

Where Jane could cause pain, Alec had the power to cut you off your senses. He would not cause you actual pain, but he could also take away your smell, your sight; all of your instincts.

Both of them were more powerful than Felix and Demetri and while they had been children at the time of their change, it was obvious that the Volturi had desired for them to be a part of the guard, despite their young age.

"It's not often we have a vampire underground. They _usually_ don't make it that far." Alec commented, clearly sneering at Felix and Demetri.

"It's alright," Felix coaxed, "Demetri and I were about to take care of it. Isn't that so?" he asked Demetri.

"Don't bother," Jane spoke. "Aro wants to see him."

Demetri flashed Felix a mocking triumphant smile as he nodded, acknowledging Jane's request.

Jane motioned all of us to follow her. As Alec and Jane let the way, Demetri and Felix followed behind me. I was trapped in a convoy of powerful vampires.

_Welcome to Volterra. _

There was a loose curve to the alley as it narrowed; it was slanting downward with a squared-off dead end reaching a flat, windowless, brick face.

There was an open hole we all had to slide through. It was like a drain, ending on the lowest point of the pavement.

We moved along swiftly down a tunnel which ended with a heavy iron grate and a door.

Through the door was a hall way which ended with an elevator.

We all got in, Felix watching me with narrowed eyes, while the others seem oblivious to my presence, except for Demetri, who occasionally looked me over as his thoughts were trying to decide how big a threat I posed.

The elevator halted before twenty seconds had passed.

We stepped into a brightly lit reception area. The walls were paneled in wood, the floors carpeted in thick, deep green. There were no windows, but large, brightly lit paintings of the Tuscan countryside hung everywhere as replacements. Pale leather couches were arranged in cozy groupings, and the glossy tables held crystal vases full of vibrantly colored bouquets. The flowers' smell attacked my nostrils and it made me want to sneeze. I noticed a slight grimace on Alec's face and it seemed as if he was bothered by the scent as well.

In the middle of the room was a high, polished mahogany counter with a woman sitting behind it.

_A human._

She was tall, with dark skin and green eyes. Beautiful for a human, I supposed. Nothing compared to my Bella though.

A vision of a dark haired, ivory skinned beauty flashed before my eyes and the images felt like a punch in the gut. I grimaced at the memory which did not go unnoticed by Demetri.

_The vampire looks like he is in pain. How odd._

The human woman smiled politely in welcome. "Good evening Jane," she said as she eyed me. Her mind instantly took in my appearance and she approved of what she saw.

Felix for some reason seemed to notice this as well – which was surprising, he really didn't look like the perceptive type to me – and he growled a little at the way the woman was ogling me.

I paid her no extra attention as I was dealing with the aftermath of the fresh round of torment. I was not surprised she was sitting there so calmly despite the fact she had to know that the Volturi could kill her whenever they felt like it.

Her name was Gianna, I gathered from the small silver name plate on her desk.

Her motivations to be here had everything to do with vanity. The ones she was currently working for were beautiful in her eyes and she wanted to be like them.

So she was hoping she would become a vampire as long as she did her job and never spoke a word to anyone about it.

Next to the obvious threat- which I was certain Gianna was aware of because it was the reason she kept her mouth shut, there was also the shameless flirting with Felix, who was not oblivious to her affections, because he gave her a big smile as he passed her.

We left the reception area and moved to the end of the hall where Alec and Jane ignored the golden sheathed doors and stopped halfway down to slide aside a piece of the paneling to expose a plain wooden door.

We all entered the space behind the door as Alec held it open. It was a stone antechamber and it was not large. It opened into a brighter, perfectly round castle turret.

Two stories up, long window slits threw thin rectangles of bright sunlight onto the stone floor below. No artificial lights were needed. The only furniture in the room were several massive wooden thrones, which looked incredibly kitsch.

The thrones were spaced unevenly, flush with the curving stone walls. In the very center of the circle was another drain.

The thrones were not empty as they were occupied by the three vampires I had come to see. They were all staring at me with different expressions.

As Jane and Alec halted in front of them, Demetri and Felix both moved to each side of the stone walls.

"Master, I did what you requested," Jane addressed one of them; the one in the middle who I knew had to be Aro. I recognized him from the painting in Carlisle's study.

"I brought you the vampire."

He nodded once and then dismissed her with his hand. His milky-red eyes never left mine.

"Well, well, well."

"This is certainly a pleasant surprise."

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**A/N: First off, thanks for all the support, it's very much appreciated!**

**We're getting close to the reunion. Next chapter, Edward will put in his request. We already know the answer he is going to get. We also know what he'll do next…**

**If you want to know when I update or enjoy ridiculous ramble, you can follow me on Twitter: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**Happy weekend!**


	20. Heaven and Hell

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations dialogues and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**CHAPTER 15: HEAVEN AND HELL**

"We don't get many visitors of our kind."

I remained stoic as Aro stared at me with blood-red eyes, an amused smile playing on his lips.

Marcus sat next to him on one side, barely aware of my presence, while Caius, on the other side frowned at me. Marcus resembled Aro the most; both had black hair, while Caius was the opposite. His hair was shoulder length and white, almost translucent like his skin tone.

There were a few other vampires, most of them a part of the Volturi entourage. Some eyed me with a mixture of caution and hostility, while others barely paid attention to me.

"Who don't you come closer? Introduce yourself," Aro coaxed in a friendly manner.

"We're very curious as to why you are here."

I moved closer to the three vampires with no haste. I poked around their minds, trying to determine what they were thinking. Aro was indeed curious and intrigued and wanted to get to know me, while Marcus wanted me gone because he simply cared very little. Caius wondered what threat I posed and was ready to call upon the guards to destroy me in an instant. He was less than pleased about the fact I had dared ask for an audience.

The moment I reached close enough, Aro's hand shot out and grabbed mine without warning. I could have seen it coming and was surprised I hadn't reacted by pulling back. Of course, had I done that, the guards would have probably jumped on me instantly.

It was a strange sensation to have someone read my thoughts, much like I could read theirs. Aro was far more powerful than me though, by touching people he could see all the thoughts someone had ever had.

"Edward Cullen," he murmured as he kept his eyes closed.

I knew what he was seeing. My human life. My death. My life as an immortal being, where I didn't hunt humans – but also the times where I had, I could tell from the small smile on his lips as he relived those memories through me

He was compelled by the Cullen family and their special powers. He smiled at the memories of Carlisle and he was very interested in what Alice could do especially. He was slightly astounded by the way she had foreseen in the past and what she could foresee in the future.

That was one power his coven had yet to possess.

He winced slightly at my memories of Bella.

The hunger I had felt for Bella. I knew it made him thirsty. He was not horrified by the love I felt for her, he was mostly fascinated by it.

"This is remarkable. You're Carlisle's protégé, are you not?" he smiled, opening his eyes.

"I am his son," I spoke clearly. Saying the words brought forth a dull aching. An aching that manifested my guilt. It was minor compared to the pain I felt when thinking of Bella but it did pain me to stand here and defy Carlisle, forget my family and end my life.

I knew they'd either forgive me or simply didn't care – Rosalie – but that didn't mean I was not letting them down.

They had to understand though. My existence was useless without Bella. I couldn't just go on and bear the pain any longer.

It had to end. _Today._

"Ah yes, Carlisle was always eager to resemble a somewhat normal family," Aro smiled in mockery.

"I will never understand it," he admitted in wonder.

"A mate, a protégé. Two couples treated like family. A whole coven of vampires who don't hunt humans."

Felix growled at the words, while Caius shook his head in mockery.

"Carlisle and his nonsense. He was always so resistant and couldn't accept the true power of what he was. He was a part of this coven and he spat us in the face by leaving. How dare you show yourself here? You're not welcome!"

"Enough of that," Aro warned Caius. "Edward is a guest."

He turned to me. "Now tell us, to what do we owe this wonderful pleasure, Edward?"

I noticed how Felix growled at his words, which received him a reprimanding hiss from Aro.

Marcus looked bored, while Caius remained irritated. He huffed at Aro's pleasantries.

"I came here to request something," I started.

"Yes?"

"I am asking for your assistance," I continued.

Aro's face fell. All pleasantries were gone now. He'd seen every thought I had ever had, including the ones which explained why I was standing here.

"Our assistance in what, young Edward?" he muttered, noticeably irritated now.

"You know what, you've seen it."

All eyes were on Aro. He knew what I wanted. They all hoped he would elaborate since I had no desire to. Felix was anxious, Demetri slightly bored, while Jane and Alec stood in a corner keeping a close eye on their Masters.

"Your death," Aro finally spoke.

It wasn't posed as a question.

"And why would you want to die?"

I frowned and sighed. "You've seen it."

Aro frowned. "The girl?"

"Yes."

"You want to die because of the girl?"

I sighed. "Yes, I do."

"A human girl, no less," he pondered.

"That's something I have not heard before."

I was certain I could hear someone snickering. Probably Felix. Caius looked bored and he started to pick at his bristle fingernail. It was in fact Marcus who was staring at me intently now. For one moment his onion-white translucent face grimaced into a deeply rooted pain until he looked away and his stance became passive again.

I knew in that instant he had felt it. What Bella meant to me, what I'd do for her.

"This is rather unusual," Aro said, still muttering to himself.

_No kidding._

"This girl, _Bella_..." – I wanted to growl at his use of her name – "she must be something special if you are willing to die for her?"

I was certain I heard Felix snort audibly now, which earned him another reprimanding look from Aro.

"Just tell me if you are willing to help me," I muttered.

Aro sighed. "This is not a decision we can make easily, I am afraid. We need to discuss this first."

Marcus gave him a quick glance, while Caius sighed.

"Aro, is this necessary? Can't we just kill the vampire if that's what he pleases? Clearly he has broken the rules by affiliating himself with a human..."

"There is no need to decide anything other than how to kill him. Ripping him apart is very effective, I say we go with that," Caius added.

Aro turned and hissed at the blonde Volturi. Clearly he had other things in mind.

"We will discuss Edward's request. There will be no punishment until we have looked at it fairly and thoroughly!" He growled.

I wanted to protest but Caius beat me to it.

"Are you mad, Aro? You are going to let him wander the streets? He who has willingly exposed himself to a human, a human he is now willing to die for. I say we give him what he wants."

_Listen to him, Aro_ I silently pleaded. I knew he could not read me now, not unless he was touching me

_"No."_

Felix moved forward asking for an audience by bowing slightly. Aro granted him permission to speak by urging him to stand straight.

"Master, if I may be so bold. This….Edward"– he nearly choked with disdain at the use of my name – "he is a flight risk. And it has been pointed out he broke the rules. We can't let him endanger the streets of Volterra. Especially not with all the festivities tomorrow."

Aro narrowed his eyes at Felix and shook his head. I was hoping he'd make his decision straight away after all but his mind told me that he was determined to give my request proper thought.

"Demetri, escort Edward outside," he spoke and he rose from his throne to leave the room, his following instantly alert and ready to leave with him.

"Wait!" I stopped him, before he could exit.

"Yes?"

"When will you have decided?"

"You'll find out."

"Demetri," he urged, leaving me in the hands of his guard.

Demetri halted next to me and waited for me to turn and follow him out.

"Let's go, vampire.'"

The streets of Volterra were dark and empty. I was hiding at the mouth of the alley, waiting for either Demetri or Felix to come and get me.

It was the middle of the night and had I been able to sleep, I would have been thankful to lay down on the flat stones of the ground to sooth my exhaustion.

I wasn't actually tired, psychically I would never be, but emotionally, if I had any emotions left to spare, I felt like I could sleep for weeks.

I longed to sleep forever.

I had no idea how long it would take before Aro, Marcus and Caius would call me back. I had no idea what they would decide.

I knew Caius wanted to punish me and that Felix shared that sentiment. I didn't care what they'd do to me, as long as they managed to kill me in the process. Marcus' decision was harder to predict because his mind was completely passive.

And then there was Aro. There was something about him. At first his kindness had seemed fake and merely designed to trick me. But now that he knew who I was, he seemed genuinely interested in my gifts and intrigued by my request.

There was no way to predict their decision and that bothered me.

Waiting here, doing nothing gave the agony free play. It was impossible to bear it.

I wanted to scream and wreak havoc and demand them to tell me right now. I could cause uproar in the city, give them cause to arrest me.

Either way there would be no chance that they'd refuse me my own demise. It was my choice. It would just be much more helpful if they granted me this one thing. If I had to force their hand, it would only take up time I didn't want to waste. There would some sort of trial and I'd rather they just decide to grand me what I wanted, rather than to have to go through some sort of show to have them decide about my fate.

There was a deafening sound of water leaking through a pipe close to me.

Every drip hitting the floor was an echo in my head.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

_Bella. Bella. Bella._

Bella was dead. I wanted to die too. There was no point in waiting, there was no reason left for delays.

If time was of the essence than it surely wasn't helping me. The clock jostled above me every hour, its echoes haunting me with the knowledge of what time it was.

One hour passed. Two hours passed and eventually I gave up trying to focus on it because it was driving me mad.

I don't know when or how but eventually the darkness in the sky faded and it welcomed a bright yellow and orange stream of morning.

A day that would prove to be sunny, judging by the brightness in the sky.

The piazza was slowly filling itself with people, highly anticipating the celebrations of St. Marcus Festival today.

Some of them were wearing blood red cloaks.

There was something haunting about the image. Humans dressed as saints, dressed in cloaks to portray something they were not. Little did they know about what was going on inside the Palazzo. How close some of them were to death. Because surely that's what would happen to some of them.

The Volturi made sure to never hunt too much amongst the population of Volterra since that would look too suspicious. It were mostly tourists they brought into the Palazzo.

I did not have much patience watching the piazza full with humans. The faint breeze brought their scents over to me and though none of them smelled appetizing, I wondered what would happen if I would simply hunt them.

Not a good idea. That too would lead to a trial and I didn't have time for that. I needed an answer now.

I was about to force myself into the Palazzo, when Demetri and Felix appeared from the shadows of the alley.

"Vampire, come." Demetri demanded quietly.

Felix grinned mockingly, waiting for me to move past him, while Demetri silently walked in front of me.

I was trapped in between.

Demetri led us back to the room, where Aro, Marcus and Caius were waiting. Their entourage was hauled up in the corners. Jane and Alec were nowhere to be found. I gathered from Aro's mind that they were keeping an eye on the town and the celebrations somewhere in the shadows.

"Edward," Aro spoke pleasantly, "I hope you had a good night."

"You gave us quite a debate," he added with a wink.

I barely listened to what he said; I was sifting through his thoughts, desperate to find the only answer I needed.

My patience and torment was not rewarded or soothed in any way though.

I didn't get what I want, what I needed. It was loud and clear in Aro's mind.

He had no intention of killing me. No intention of meeting my request.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Your decision is wrong," I growled, alarming Felix and Demetri who moved closer to me, ready to attack me if necessary.

Aro shook his head and looked me straight in the eyes, as if he was communicating something vital and he wanted me to pay close attention.

"You have to understand, young Edward. Your talents are very valuable. Too valuable for us to let them go to waste."

"We had a heated debate, I can't deny that. Caius here had to be convinced that your power is superior to the fact you exposed us to your Bella. But since she has sadly passed on, she no longer poses a threat."

His words acknowledging Bella's death stung. It hurt and burned more deeply than it had done ever before. The only solace I felt was the fact that Bella was safe from any Volturi threat now. They would never have to come after her. Her death would be merciful compared to what they would have done to her.

I sighed. This was about my mental gift. Aro was fascinated by what I could do. This meant he found that granting me my request was unacceptable.

"So you won't help me?"

"Edward," Aro articulated clearly, "I am afraid your particular gifts are too important for us to eliminate you. It would be wasteful."

And there it was. It was so clear in Aro's head. He truly did not want to help me. In fact, he had different plans for me.

"However, we do feel your pain. We don't quite understand the pain of the loss of this particular human, but we offer you an alternative."

"Join us," Aro suggested with a smile.

"We'd be glad to utilize your gifts. You'd make an excellent addition to our coven."

He wasn't offering me clemency. He was offering me a job.

A life.

The last thing I wanted. Perhaps it was the worst kind of punishment. It was certainly more tormenting than being ripped apart.

I wanted to die. Simple. How hard could it be for them to execute me? It could be no more unpleasant than being ripped to shreds by the paralyzing pain I felt every second of my existence.

Why would I ever want to be a part of this coven?

"No," I grumbled. "I won't join you."

"Edward," Aro warned. "Don't dismiss our offer so easily. The alternative is far less forgiving."

"Let me guess; you'll kill me if I refuse. Newsflash, it is pretty much what I want. I'd rather be brutally tormented and ripped apart than to even consider for a second to join!" I spat.

"We really do not want to do that, Edward. I think it is best you take the chance to consider our offer."

"Save it," I hissed. "I'll take whatever punishment you see fit. Don't bother offering me any more jobs or a live within your coven. I DON'T WANT IT!"

Frustration was getting to me. I was such a fool. I'd been so convinced that it was going to be simple. I ask the Volturi to kill me and they'd say yes.

Never could I have imagined they'd offer me this instead. It was vile and unwanted. More agonizing than being tortured to death.

"Aro," Caius protested, "this has gone on far too long. The vampire is ungrateful and clearly has a death wish. Let's give him what he wants."

Aro gave Caius another deathly glare. I was almost surprised that he was so keen to incorporate me into the Volturi Guard. Or even as an actual Volturi.

But then, his mind gave away he wanted what was Carlisle's. It wasn't vicious; he actually respected Carlisle a lot. But he could not bear to kill me. He found my life and talents more valuable than I did.

This was hopeless. Clearly Aro had the most influence within the coven and he had no intention to help me. So the others would not help me either. He had vetoed it.

I was on my own.

"Fine," I muttered, "if you refuse to help me, I'll find my own way."

I turned to leave and Felix and Demetri instantly moved towards me, ready to jump on me if they had to. But Aro's power over them was proven yet again as he ordered them to stay put before they could reach me.

"Stay where you are," he told them.

"Edward," he warned as he allowed me to walk away freely by dismissing me with a simple hand gesture.

"Don't force our hand."

I could feel the eyes on me, though I kept mine firmly closed. A child - probably watching in caution and surprise as I slowly took a step forward- leaving my shirt folded on the ground. Four jostles from the throng and then the sun would be at its highest peak.

_A perfect sun at noon._ So willing to expose me for what I was.

The sun was all I needed for my pale skin to lit up and glisten. For the crowd on the Piazza dei Priori - unaware of who was about to disrupt the festivities - to go mad, forcing the Volturi to stop and trial me.

And more importantly_, sentence me. _I was counting on this especially. They had no choice. Aro would be made a mockery if he stopped my punishment this time.

He wouldn't have a choice anymore. Not if I forced his hand. Which was exactly what I was going to do.

I had contemplated to hunt in public but I realized that no human life was worth risking over ending my own. I also didn't want to disappoint Carlisle any more than I already had by deciding to end my life.

The sun was my one and only ally.

The chime of the clock boomed around me again and I welcomed the sound as it brought me closer to my goal with every clang.

_Three left_, I counted.

A hint of the sun, already slightly touching the edges of the protective shadows I was still hiding in at the mouth of the alley, caressed my cool bare chest as the wind blew against my skin.

It reminded me of sweeter times where the touch of her skin would awaken these desires in me that I'd considered long lost before she came along. For a moment, I allowed myself to pretend she was here.

_Touching me_. I could almost feel her lips feverishly moving against mine. So warm, so perfect. How I yearned to hold her tightly in my arms. I almost reached out to welcome her, but instead I kept my arms at my side, palms facing forward, like a messiah ready to be sacrificed.

I remembered this was impossible. I'd never hold her again.

Because she was _gone_. _Forever._

The idea I'd never feel her warmth again or how my throat would never feeling like breathing in fire by the very smell of her, ripped my already torn heart apart even further.

It was unbelievable, incomprehensible.

_A world without Bella._

This wasn't a world I knew how to exist in. Not anymore.

Another chime of the clock meant it was almost time.

I felt like I was suffocating, though I didn't need oxygen.

I purposely shied away from the exact words Rosalie had spoken - they were basic and deadly - because they were burned and etched into my soul like an unwanted scar that would never go away. The words that had marked the end of my life. All I'd done since then was desperately trying to find a way to finish it effectively.

I felt almost at ease knowing I'd only have to make it through a few more moments. Just endure this strange, now unfamiliar world I couldn't be forced to exist in, no matter who pleaded with me.

Not my family, who may once have had the hope I would recover. Not Aro who had believed he could recruit me for his coven. They could not force me to exist in a world without Bella.

Not by family, not by law.

There would never be any relief from the cutting pain inside. I focused on how I had to hang on a little while longer and then the agony would stop.

I longed for blackness, for the beauty of oblivion. The ultimate way to stop remembering.

_Death._

And whatever came after that, wherever I went, it didn't matter as long as I would not be reminded of this life ever again.

The memories had lost their significance since Bella wasn't out there somewhere remembering them too.

The throng jostled again.

Only _one_ more left. I could taste the sun now. I could feel the same eyes still watching me carefully. I knew I needed one human to stare at me in horror and start screaming for my plan to be considered a success. I had no desire to frighten this child watching me - her mind filled with lollipops and cartoons - but if she was my only option to be seen now, I would take it and risk her sanity in the process. Now was not the time to become selfless.

I took another step towards the edge, knowing it would take less than a small inch for me to step into the sun. To bare myself for what would be my final moments.

The moment I wanted to place my foot forward, in sync with the sound of the final chime, I heard it.

_The angel's voice._

I was shocked. Was this what came after dying? Was I allowed an afterlife with the angel by my side? Surely it was cruel for me to hope for this as I was so close to death.

Unless...

Certainly, I was still alive?

The voice grew more profound, like it was coming towards me, rather than echoing inside my mind.

It was calling for _me_.

"Edward!"

_My name._

Was it the wind fooling me with imaginary whispers? Had my mind finally snapped at the loss of Bella and the fear of never being reunited with her?

It seemed that way.

But then I heard it _again_.

The angel sounded almost frantic. And the voice was coming closer still.

This didn't seem like a delusion, though I had no way to be certain. I had done this before: conjure Bella up in my own imagination, a sweet mirage designed only for me. Perhaps I had truly lost my mind.

"Edward, no!" she cried.

As I heard her voice anxiously pleading with me, I smiled.

This felt real. This was no trick. Bella was here.

This meant I had to be dead. This relieved me though I didn't quite understand how the entire experience had managed to be so free of pain.

But I didn't hang on that question for long, as my nostrils flared and picked up the scent I thought to only exist for me, calling me, easily tempting me. I inhaled deeply, burning my throat with great pleasure.

There was no doubt in my mind anymore.

_I was dead_.

"No!" the voice screamed again. "Edward, look at me!"

_Don't fret, my love. There's no need to raise your voice. I can hear you_. I wanted to say, but my lips remained unmoved. All I could feel was the rays of sun warming them like a lover's kiss.

_Like Bella's kiss._

The burn got stronger, as the scent rapidly moved closer to me. It was like that battering ram again and before I could comprehend what was going on, the scent and warmth slammed into me. If my arms hadn't locked around it instantly, it would have bounced back in some way.

This was peculiar. In my arms was a substance, perfectly solid and real. It smelled heavenly, illustrated by the instant thirst burning my throat. It wasn't like before though. The scent made me thirsty but it wasn't overpowering in the sense that it gave me the urge to hunt and kill.

Quite the opposite actually. I wanted to hold on to the angel in my arms, I wanted to bury myself in her scent.

I opened my eyes – eager to learn about my new surroundings, as the clock tolled again.

What I saw was as surprising as it was overwhelming.

_Bella was here. In my arms._

And we were both dead.

But somehow we had reunited.

I had never expected that and I only took a moment to wonder how this was even possible. I was a monster, Bella an angel. She had a beautiful deep soul and I was soulless. There would be no way we would be together again in an afterlife. I belonged in the deepest pitches of hell, whereas she would have no problem finding a place in heaven.

But she was here, wherever _here_ was. In my arms. And she felt real.

So maybe there was some kind of afterlife for immortals after all.

"Amazing," I said, slightly amused. "Carlisle was right."

Carlisle. He would have been pleased to learn he was right about the afterlife and it slightly hurt to know I would never be able to share this information with him.

"Edward," she called me, but her voice sounded barely audible. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

I didn't want to move. I was fine here, in the warmth, basking in the glow of her embrace. Didn't she feel it too?

My hand brushed softly against her cheek, the heat of her skin leaving a delightful tingling behind where we'd touched.

It felt a little strange. Bella was dead so she was supposed to feel cooler, more like me. But maybe the afterlife didn't care about trivialities like that.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing—they're very good," I mused.

Truthfully, I had expected more pain. Getting your flesh ripped apart was clearly no pleasure but there had been no pain at all. Maybe the pain I already suffered because of Bella's loss was more than enough to mask the psychical pain of getting killed.

"_Death, that hath_ _sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty_," I murmured Romeo's lines from the tomb as I pressed my lips into her hair.

She smelled heavenly and the burn in my throat, while present was soothing compared to all the pain I had harbored for months.

I felt whole.

"You smell just exactly the same as always," I told her. "So maybe this _is _hell. I don't care. I'll take it."

I didn't really believe that though. There was no possible way this could be hell. The burn was strong, yes, but it was worth it. It was bearable, because Bella was here.

"I'm not dead," she protested. I eyed her carefully, wondering if I should be amused or surprised at her words. She was so stubborn.

Of course she was dead. And death had never looked more beautiful. She was a little wet, perhaps because she had drowned before dying – the thought of her actual death made me frown, I didn't want to think about how gruesome it had to have been – and her face was glowing with a fresh blush. Her hair was wild, due to the wind and her heart was beating much faster than it should.

_Huh,_ her heart was beating? Her cheeks were spilled with the rush of blood coursing through her veins? She felt warm? Alive.

And what was it that she was telling me?

"And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!"

Bella struggled in my arms, and this was unacceptable. She couldn't leave me. Not now. We had to be together. I would never leave her again and I would never let her go again.

"What was that?" I asked, hoping she would explain to me why she was so eager to get away from me. Why were we supposed to move and what were we supposed to be running from. And why did she feel like she was alive?

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to _get _out of here before the Volturi—"

Comprehension flickered before she could finish her sentence.

_She is alive, you fool._

This was not heaven. And Bella was not dead.

Neither was I.

Which meant…

My mind instantly ran through the consequences. If neither of us were dead – and I had yet to understand how it was possible that Bella was alive – than I had just made a very big mistake by almost exposing myself.

I had been so close to breaking the rules, thus incriminating myself. More importantly, Bella was now in danger too. And that was inexcusable.

But it was too late to run. And running would only make it worse.

Behind me I could hear the quiet footsteps, the silent but eager minds ready to claim us both and leave us at the mercy of the Volturi.

Felix and Demetri.

I grabbed Bella's arm and spun her so that her back was against the wall and I was in front of her, my arms spread wide in protection.

Nothing mattered but that she would be safe.

Bella stayed behind me, but tried to peek out from under my arm.

She was always so darn curious. It made me dizzy in a happy way to think she was truly here, though the bliss was heavily tainted by the idea of losing her again and sooner than I could have anticipated. And by my own fault, unsurprisingly.

"Greetings, gentlemen," I spoke calm and pleasant, but only on the surface. Two very dangerous vampires who'd gladly rip me apart. And a few hours ago I would have welcomed that. But now, now that Bella was actually with me, things were different. Her life was at stake.

It was important I would remain calm because I could not afford to set them off.

"I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" Felix whispered menacingly.

"I don't believe that will be necessary." I spoke, harsher. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun," Demetri said in a soothing tone.

Both Felix and Demetri were concealed within smoky gray cloaks that reached to the ground and undulated in the wind that blew lightly through the alley.

"Let us seek better cover." Demetri suggested. Of course, the last thing we wanted was to stay in this nook, where people could see us.

"I'll be right behind you," I said dryly. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?"

I hated the idea of losing her, but it was important that she could walk away from this. I could deal with Demetri and Felix on my own and I'd fare much better if I didn't have to worry about her. I had no idea how she had gotten here, though I suspected she was not in Volterra on her own, and as long as she would be able to make it out of Volterra alive, than I could deal with whatever the Volturi would throw at me.

They didn't seem to agree.

"No, bring the girl," Felix spoke in a low tone. I knew what he was getting at. He was hoping for a fight and a snack.

Neither was going to happen, if I had a say in it.

"I don't think so." The pretence of civility disappeared. My voice was flat and icy.

Preparing myself to fight if I had to, I moved just a tiny bit -barely noticeable - flexing my muscles so I could slip into a crouch easily.

Fighting was definitely on Felix' mind.

"No," Bella mouthed the word as she hid behind me. I could feel her warm breath on my bare skin. Her heart was drumming against her chest; I could feel the throbbing echoes against my back.

"Shh," I murmured reassuringly.

"Felix," Demetri hissed. "Not here."

He then turned to me "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all."

"Certainly," I agreed. '"But the girl goes free."

I knew I was arguing a lost cause but I had to try. I'd do anything to have Bella walk away unharmed.

"I'm afraid that's not possible," Demetri said regretfully. "We do have rules to obey."

"Then _I'm _afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri." I spoke icily.

I knew exactly what their rules upheld. This was not about my near exposure. This was about the girl standing behind me. My only love, whose heart was beating far too fast.

They would have to kill her for her involvement. And kill me for the same reason.

Such strange irony. Now that I had no desire of dying, they could easily take both our lives in much more vicious ways then jumping off cliffs or getting ripped apart.

Alright, so for me there would not be much of a difference but they could torment Bella as much as they wanted to.

I could not let that happen.

"That's just fine," Felix purred. He was very eager to fight me.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri sighed. Demetri didn't quite understand why I was so eager to protect Bella – a meaningless human in his eyes – but he was still intrigued enough to not share the same desire as Felix to fight me.

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown," I replied coolly.

Felix and Demetri stole closer toward the mouth of the alley, spreading out slightly so they could come at me from two sides. They meant to force me deeper into the alley, to avoid a scene.

I didn't move an inch. If they wanted to harm Bella, they'd have to go through me.

I tried to focus on Bella's breathing washing over my skin. She was still hidden behind me and her breath was slightly shaking.

She was afraid.

I had to fight them even if I was outnumbered. I had no choice.

But before I had time to make a move, a far too familiar mindset alerted me.

_Edward, don't start something you cannot finish on your own._

_Alice._

I should have known. Of course she was here. There was no way she'd pass up an opportunity to meddle. She must have been the one to drag Bella here.

Then again, Bella probably went willingly, no matter how big the danger. This secretly pleased me. If she still wanted to risk her life for me, then maybe she could forgive me for leaving her and putting her life at risk her again.

I whipped my head toward the darkness of the winding alley, determining where exactly the thoughts were coming from. Demetri and Felix did the same.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" Alice suggested, as she moved out of the darkness.

"There are ladies present."

Alice tripped to my side, her stance casual. There was no hint of any underlying tension.

Demetri and Felix both straightened up, their cloaks swirling slightly as a gust of wind funneled through the alley. Felix's face soured. Apparently, they didn't like even numbers.

"We're not alone," she reminded them.

Demetri glanced over his shoulder. A few yards into the square, the little family, with the girls in their red dresses, was watching us. The mother was speaking urgently to her husband, her eyes on the five of us.

She looked away when Demetri met her gaze. The man walked a few steps farther into the plaza, and tapped one of the red-blazered men on the shoulder.

Demetri shook his head. "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable," he said.

"Let's," I agreed. "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

Demetri sighed in frustration. "At least let us discuss this more privately."

He was hoping to reason with me but he also cared too little about me to start a fight. I could tell he might be willing to let us leave, though I doubted Felix would ever let that happen.

Six men in red now joined the family as they watched us with anxious expressions. They looked at Bella and realized I was protecting her. That made them more alert.

My teeth came together audibly, the sound echoing through the alley. "No."

Felix smiled, hoping this was his cue to attack.

But he never got the chance.

"Enough."

I had heard this before.

_Jane._

Felix and Demetri relaxed immediately, stepping back from their offensive positions to blend again with the shadows of the overhanging walls.

I dropped my arms and relaxed my defensive position as well—but in defeat. This was not good. Fighting Felix and Demetri could have worked with Alice by my side – though the idea of having my sister fight these two had never sounded like a great idea – but with Jane, a very powerful vampire here, we'd have no chance to get away.

Not alive at least.

"Jane," I sighed in recognition and resignation.

Alice folded her arms across her chest, her expression impassive.

"Follow me," Jane spoke again, her childish voice a monotone. She turned her back on us and drifted silently into the dark.

Felix gestured for us to go first, smirking. Clearly, he was enjoying every bit of this.

Alice walked after the little Jane at once. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and pulled her along down the alley. She looked up to me with frantic eyes, so many silent and alarming questions reflected in them.

But I could not offer her any answers with our audience present so I shook my head.

"Well, Alice," I said conversationally as we walked. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

I was curious, that I had to admit. Curious how Alice could have made a mistake this big. She had seen Bella jump off the cliff. But she had never seen that Bella had made it out of the ocean alive.

"It was my mistake," Alice answered in the same tone. "It was my job to set it right."

"What happened?" I asked politely, hoping I would sound casual. The last thing I needed was my anxiety as an additional reason for the Volturi guard to harm any of us. They were already listening in, weighing every word, ready to use it against us at any given chance.

"It's a long story." Alice's eyes flickered toward Bella and away. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."'

One peek into Alice's mind gave me the whole story. And the bottom-line of it was _that I had failed_. Again.

Bella had indeed jumped off a cliff because she wanted an adrenaline rush. Alice had seen this much but she had not seen the part here Bella had been rescued by Jacob Black.

The idea of him being a hero bothered me. I was grateful he had rescued Bella, of course, but through Alice's play-by-play I could sense that he was important to her.

Bella was friends with Jacob Black now, who was apparently a werewolf, too, as if things weren't already, complicated enough. I wondered why I had not seen that coming. It seemed to be the most obvious thing.

As one of Ephraim Black's descendants it made sense. I wondered briefly if Carlisle knew about this. Werewolves in Forks. This posed more trouble.

After Alice had seen Bella jump, she has assumed the worst and had misinformed Rosalie about Bella's death. When I had called the Swan residence Jacob Black – _him again_ – had spoken of a funeral, but he never meant Bella's. Sadly, Harry Clearwater, a friend of Charlie's had died.

And then there was the biggest of my newfound concerns, apart from the ones about making it out of Volterra alive.

_Victoria._ She had gone to Forks after all. And she was stalking Bella now.

It had been months of Bella's wrapped in a small projection of images that lasted less than a minute. My chest silently ached at the idea that Bella had been in pain. I could see it in Alice's memories. I could feel it because it echoed my own agony.

"Hm," I said curtly - all hints of pretending to be casual gone - as I processed Alice thoughts and the images she showed me.

We had to get out of here, no matter what. There were so many things I needed to tell Bella, things I could not tell here right now. She had to know why I had left her and how sorry I was for hurting her so deeply.

We arrived at the drain that led us to the floors below street level and Alice didn't hesitate to slide through it.

Bella however protested and she clung to me as she looked down the hole.

"It's all right, Bella," I said in a low voice, hoping to sooth her. "Alice will catch you."

Bella eyed the hole doubtfully and crouched down, swinging her legs into the narrow gap.

"Alice?" she whispered, voice trembling.

"I'm right here, Bella," she reassured her.

I took Bella's wrists and lowered her into the blackness.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Drop her," Alice called.

And then I let her fall.

I crouched into the hole instantly, slid down and put my arm around Bella – towing her forward – the instant my feet hit the ground.

Bella wrapped both arms around my waist, and tripped and stumbled her way across the uneven stone surface.

The sound of the heavy grate sliding over the drain hole behind us rang with metallic finality. We were locked in.

The dim light from the street was quickly lost in the gloom. The sound of Bella's staggering footsteps echoed through the black space, along with the frantic beats of her heart.

I could hear and smell fear coming off her waves and I was certain they all could.

As we moved I realized that Bella was really here. It truly hit me then, as we were walking towards what may very well be our doom, that for the moment she was really alive and in my arms.

And so I held her tightly, reaching for her face with my free hand, so I could let my thumb get heated by her lips.

They were so soft and warm_. Inviting._

I wondered if I would ever kiss those lips again. If there was time enough to do so. If she would ever let me.

Irony hit me again. Just a few hours ago I wanted everything to stop, I had hated time and all its essence and now I only wanted more of it.

I could not help but bury my face in Bella's hair, her scent attacking me violently. I welcomed it, because I was not certain how much time we'd have left and the burn on my throat was evidence that she was with me and that we were together for now.

Bella seemed to be thinking similar thoughts as she clutched herself closer to me.

I kissed her forehead and the silk of her skin brushed against my lips in tiny electric sensations. I knew she had a million questions, some of them related to what would happen to us now, while others were likely to cover my whereabouts and possible anger for leaving her.

For the time being, however, it seemed she was happy I was here and I felt no resentment as she held on to me.

We were in the low, arched tunnel again where long trails of ebony moisture seeped down the gray stones, giving the tunnel a sinister feel and smell.

Bella was shaking, her teeth starting to chatter together from the coolness of both our skins.

Her clothes were wet – I realized she must have been running through the fountain on the Piazza to get to me - and the temperature underneath the city was wintry. Me touching her wasn't helping either.

I instantly let go of Bella, keeping only my hand locked with hers because I needed some kind of connection.

"N-n-no," she chattered, throwing her arms around me straight away.

I was relieved that she needed the connection too and so I could not let her go, even though my better judgment knew I should be concerned about her health and not my own –I was selfish as ever– feelings and the longing to hold her.

I chafed my hand against Bella's arm, trying to warm her with the friction though it had little use.

Bella's slow progress irritated Felix as he sighed audibly now and then.

This – naturally - angered me and I made a mental note to take him out if things would come to an actual fight. He'd be the first on my list.

At the end of the tunnel was the grate with the iron bars and I ducked through, pulling Bella along and hurried on to the larger, brighter stone room. The grille slammed shut with a _clang_, followed by the snap of a lock.

More obstacles to keep us from escaping.

The heavy wooden door at the end of the hall stood open and there was no choice but to step through.

As soon as we did, I felt Bella relax, for she was surprised with the décor of the reception room. It looked friendly.

I on the other hand knew her relief was false and temporarily which made me more tense.

This was definitely not a friendly room.

This was a welcome.

_To hell._

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**A/N: So there, they have reunited. Next up will be the chapter "Verdict", the same as the one in New Moon. The remaining chapters will all be corresponding with the remaining chapters in New Moon.**

**Thanks for all the support!**

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**Extra note: FH is going on a little hiatus, since I am going to be vacationing for a month. Next update will probably be Mid-July at the latest, hopefully a little sooner.**


	21. Verdict

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, dialogues, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**CHAPTER 16: VERDICT**

The hall way was brightly lit and warmer than the tunnel below.

It was the perfect setting for a comforting welcome, serving its purpose as intended.

How little would the unknowingly understand that this was not a warm welcome in the American sense at all. The only comparison to something warm would be the resemblance to the deepest pits of hell because that was the only thing this entire place represented.

Death, despair. Immortality, brutality. And so on. Many words could describe this place and what it represented. None of them would be able to safe us, if necessary.

Bella seemed a little more at ease here though which I understood. It was physically warmer and her skin reacted to that, automatically allowing her senses to make her feel more comfortable.

It was a misapprehension, however. She shouldn't feel comfortable here.

I pulled Bella along to where Jane was waiting by the elevator while Alice walked on Bella's other side.

We looked like two bodyguards trying to guide and protect her from what was to come below. Such a small gesture compared to the things she was about to witness. It pained me that I could not properly explain to Bella about the Volturi. I had covered some of it on the night of her disastrous birthday party and I had picked up from Alice's mind that she too had informed Bella to an extent, but it would never be enough to prepare her for whatever Aro was going to do with us. Even Alice and I couldn't be sure about our fate.

Once inside the elevator, Jane, Felix and Demetri threw back their cloaks, visibly more relaxed now that they had us trapped inside their walls and they were free of risking exposure.

Bella cowered in the corner, cringing against me. Her body heat was melting me and I would have basked in it at any other time but right now I could not allow myself to become distracted by getting lost in Bella's warmth and scent.

I rubbed my hand against her arm because I needed to do something to sooth her – and myself, the touch of her skin left my fingers tingling - while I kept a close eye on Jane. I knew what she was capable of when she wanted to and I could not bear the idea of Jane hurting Bella. It was one thing for her to dispel her power onto a creature resembling her own, but using it on a human was something I could not risk. Jane's thoughts gave no indication that she in fact wanted to harm Bella - she was designed to serve; she only followed Aro's orders, she'd never act on impulse - still I could not risk it.

The elevator opened and we were in the reception area again, where Gianna sat behind her desk. I could tell Bella was momentarily surprised by the décor and the human behind the desk.

The Italian young woman smiled politely in welcome. "Good afternoon, Jane," she said, perfectly comfortable. There was no surprise in her voice or mind, she was used to these theatrics and knew how to behave in them.

Jane nodded. "Gianna." She continued toward a set of double doors in the back of the room, and we all followed.

As Felix passed the desk, he winked at Gianna, and she giggled. Silly woman. He'd kill her if he had the chance. And he was hoping for that chance. None of them were planning on changing her, no matter how much she hoped for it.

On the other side of the wooden doors was a different kind of reception when Alec came forward to meet us. He smiled, reaching for his sister, his thoughts full of genuine delight to see her.

"Jane."

"Alec," she responded, embracing the boy. They kissed each other's cheeks on both sides.

Then he looked at Alice and me, his thoughts shifting to surprise because Bella was with us. He hadn't expected that.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two… and a half," he noted, looking at Bella again. "Nice work," he said approvingly.

Jane laughed. It was an eerie sound, like a wicked baby cooing, like someone hiding their true self under a veil of fake pleasantness. There was however nothing false about her laugh which made it even more disturbing.

Alec's ruby eyes left Bella's face as he turned to me "Welcome back, Edward," he greeted me. "You seem in a better mood."

"Marginally," I agreed in a flat voice. I didn't enjoy how Alec's thoughts wrapped around Bella's presence now that he had seen her. It felt threatening and I fought against my temper and the necessity to shield Bella from Aro's guard completely. Going against my instincts was hard but it was necessary. The last thing I needed was to set the guard off by my temper.

Alec chuckled, and examined Bella once more as she clung to my side.

"And this is the cause of all the trouble?" he asked, skeptical.

I smiled, my expression contemptuous, until I heard Felix in an echo of thoughts and words spoken aloud.

"Dibs," he called casually from behind.

I turned, a low snarl building deep in my chest. I knew I was giving Felix what he wanted, that I showed him he had an affect on me but I was unable to stop it.

Felix smiled, indeed pleased at my reaction—his hand was raised, palm up; he curled his fingers twice, inviting me forward. He had been waiting for this, he was eager to finally get the chance to fight me and he knew that any threat made against Bella would set me off.

And I would have jumped on him, if Alice hadn't stopped me. She touched my arm in warning.

"Patience," she cautioned.

_If you ruin it now by giving them what they want; a fight, we won't get away at all_, she added silently.

_We still have a chance so keep it together_, was all she offered.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and turned back to Alec, ignoring Felix' taunting thoughts at my expense.

"Aro will be so pleased to see you again," Alec said, as if nothing had passed in the few moments before.

"Let's not keep him waiting," Jane suggested dryly.

I simply nodded in response.

Alec and Jane, holding hands, led the way down the hall back to the Volturi chambers.

I tried to remain calm for Bella's sake because I knew I would scare her if she noticed I was not certain we'd make it out of here alive. She was already distressed enough – her heart was hammering, echoing off the walls – and I did not want to add to it.

Once we arrived and Jane walked into the room, I could feel Aro's spirits being lifted. It was odd for I was not like Jasper; I could not sense moods around people. But there was something very obvious about the bond between Aro and Jane. It was almost familiar, like a father who worried about his daughter, wishing upon a safe return home. But then, there was also an edge. Aro would dispose of her, if there was a need to do so. The loyalty within a family was absent and that weakened their bond. Not enough to pose a threat - I could not think about anything posing a threat to the Volturi - but it left holes in their impenetrable armor.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" Aro cried, his voice was just a soft sighing but it sounded exuberant and happy. I tasted a hint of relief in there too, though it was hard to decipher what that possible relief was based on.

He drifted forward, gliding to Jane, took her face in his hands and kissed her lightly on her full lips before floating back a step.

"Yes, Master." Jane smiled; the expression made her look like an angelic child. "I brought him back alive, just as you wished."

"Ah, Jane." He smiled, too. "You are such a comfort to me."

He turned his eyes toward us, and the smile brightened—became ecstatic even. If I had not been able to read the real joy in his thoughts, it would have been frightening.

"And Alice and Bella, too!" he rejoiced, clapping his thin hands together. "This _is _a happy surprise! Wonderful!"

I hid my frown at Aro's ecstatic response. It was odd to see any of these vicious creatures expressing some sort of happiness. There was something wrong and twisted about it because it was real and not a mask of false pretenses. They lived by their own rules and most of them were not kind, but in underneath the surface there were still a few human emotions lingering.

"Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, Master." Felix nodded and disappeared back the way we had come.

Aro's penetrating gaze left Felix' retreating figure and he turned to me, smiling in a patronizing way.

"You see, Edward? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

Was I glad? I was not entirely convinced my death would not have been better. Yes, I was amazed and beyond grateful for Bella's presence close to me, her heart pounding in my ears, her scent filling my nostrils - it was almost a miraculous experience. But what would be the cost? The Volturi never left anyone unpunished and I was not about to delude myself thinking that there was going to be a happy ending.

Hell didn't have happy endings.

"Yes, Aro, I am," I agreed, tightening my arm around Bella's waist for emphasis. It wasn't a lie. I was happy to have Bella close to me, to have a world in which Bella existed, even if the cost of being here might end up being a very high price to pay.

"I love a happy ending." Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?"

He turned to gaze at Alice with curious, misty eyes. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."

A mistake indeed, although that was certainly an understatement. It would have been more prudent if I had checked with Alice before going to Volterra instead of believing Rosalie's words and those of Jacob Black blindly - but they had confirmed my worst fears at the time and I had acted on impulse after hearing them, my mind unable to find reason in the aftermath of dealing. And maybe Alice should've been more careful informing the family about what she had seen, knowing how Rosalie would have explained her vision. But my fault or hers, it didn't matter now. The damage was done and we were all here, dealing with the outcome as well as we could manage. All we could hope for was mercy. And frail as that hope might be, we all had to hold on to something.

"Oh, I'm far from infallible." Alice flashed a dazzling smile in response to Aro's remark

And she looked perfectly at ease, except that her hands were balled into tight little fists. I knew my sister, she was tense. She was only smiling to give off the impression she was calm. In her mind her thoughts were filled with escape plans and lots of Jasper. I decided to tune her out a little - only focusing on any thoughts directed at me or Bella, wanting to give her that privacy. And her thoughts were fuzzy because she was anxious underneath her composed façade.

"As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them," Alice pointed out.

"You're too modest," Aro chided. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

Alice flickered a questioning glance at me. One that Aro did not miss, of course.

"I'm sorry; we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not."

Aro shook his head; his tone was envious. While his gift was stronger than mine, his was useless without physical contact. This did make mine pretty impressive, I supposed. Still, to hear one's every thought ever that was power on an entirely different level. I could hear thoughts but they were fleeting and while my memory was flawless and I usually remembered every thought I had picked up on, I couldn't go back in time the way Aro could and have thoughts replay themselves to me back to back.

"And also exponentially more powerful," I added dryly, pointing out to Alice and Bella how powerful Aro was.

I looked at Alice as I quickly explained. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

Alice raised her eyebrows, asking me silent questions.

_Every thought?_

I nodded slightly.

"But to be able to hear from a distance…" Aro sighed. "That would be so _convenient_."

His mind flashed back to the request he had made earlier when he had offered me to join his guard. He regretted the fact I had declined and he was still hoping I would reconsider. He briefly pondered on asking Alice to join, but then his mindset was interrupted as he looked over our shoulders. All the other heads turned in the same direction, including Jane, Alec, and Demetri, who stood silently beside us.

Felix was back with Marcus and Caius.

Whatever Aro had been doing up until now - perhaps making small talk, or simply being hospitable - was shifting now.

The air was becoming thick with strange anticipation. The Guard hoped for blood, Aro looked for peace. Marcus and Caius were undecided for now and their thoughts gave little away about the course of action they'd ultimately take. Alice remained calm but her mind displayed lots of images of Jasper, which meant she was preparing for a possible execution.

Bella's mind was silent, but heart and occasional shallow breathing gave away that she too feared what was to come next.

"Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?"

Neither of the other two looked as if _wonderful _would be their first choice of words and their thoughts resembled that. There was a hint of curiosity with Marcus, but Caius was only interested in settling on a punishment. He was not one for details; he just knew the one law vampires had, was broken: someone – a human no less - knew about our existence and that was a death sentence.

"Let us have the story," Aro demanded from Marcus, who paused beside Aro, reaching his hand out while Caius glided toward one of the wooden thrones.

As Aro briefly touched his brother's hand, Marcus showed him the depth of the relationship between Bella and me. I could sense that Bella was fascinated by their encounter – momentarily overruling her fears - although her mind stayed as inaccessible to me as ever.

"Thank you, Marcus," Aro said. "That's quite interesting."

Marcus was surprised by what he had sensed.

_It's very rare, very intense. A genuine true love._

_It makes me sick._

I had to snort at that, causing Alice to look at me in wonder again.

Aro was shaking his head, sharing Marcus' surprise without the resentment

"Amazing," he said. "Absolutely amazing."

Alice's expression was frustrated now.

_What are they doing?_

I turned to her and explained.

"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."

Aro smiled. "So convenient," he repeated to himself. Then he spoke to us. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you."

Marcus' face remained stone like illustrating what Aro had said.

"It's just so difficult to understand, even now," Aro mused, staring at how I held Bella close. He didn't understand it, but he was fascinated by it.

"How can you stand so close to her like that?"

"It's not without effort," I answered calmly.

"But still—_la tua cantante_! What a waste!"

La tua cantante. My singer. Bella's blood sang to me, according to Aro. My mind took one second to go back to the first time I had smelled her and how badly I had wanted to kill her after that. Her blood had sung to me from the moment we met and still did, though it had never been as painful again as it had been that day. Not even when I had tasted her to suck the venom out when James had bit her. My body was used to self preservation as much as it had adapted to the instinct of keeping Bella safe. Even if it meant the thirst would not be quenched.

I chuckled once without humor. "I look at it more as a price."

It was a price. For a soulless being like me, it was a gift, a reward to have found my true love, even if it had been a struggle NOT to kill her.

Aro was skeptical. "A very high price."

"Opportunity cost."

Aro laughed. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…"

"Waste it," I finished his sentence in a sarcastic tone.

It made sense that Aro would find Bella's blood a gift, while I found her blood - or at least the smell of it - the torment that came with the gift of her life.

Aro laughed again. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him—only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly," I spoke.

I was getting tired of this. It was one thing to chit-chat but the reality was there this was a sentencing, no matter how nice and curious Aro behaved. Marcus' thoughts seemed neutral still with only the slightest of fascination– he didn't care about our fate one way or the other, while Caius watched and debated what would be an appropriate way of dealing with the situation. It seemed innocent but it was undeniable that this was a setting where we'd be trialed and rather sooner than later I wanted to know what would happen to us so I could concentrate on a way to get Bella – and hopefully Alice and myself – out of here.

Aro would have none of it though and seemed in no hurry to speed things along or simply get to the point. I was not certain if he would not change his mind later, but for the moment he actually leaned towards letting us live and I knew that this was a fragile decision, that setting him or any of the others off could change it in a heartbeat.

Figure of speech.

"I am gratified by his success," Aro mused. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it… _pleases _me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong."

"But _your _restraint!" Aro sighed. "I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again—if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."

I held Bella tight as I listened to Aro's musings. I knew he could smell her - we all could - and that the wetness of her clothes strengthened her scent even more.

"Just remembering how she appeals to you…" Aro chuckled. "It makes me thirsty."

I tensed at his words.

"Don't be disturbed," Aro reassured me, picking up on my discomfort. "I mean her no harm. But I am _so _curious, about one thing in particular."

_I'd like to read her thoughts. I am curious to see if I can access them._

He eyed Bella with bright, almost childlike interest. "May I?" he asked eagerly, lifting one hand in her direction, while directing the question at me.

"Ask _her_," I suggested in a flat voice.

I didn't want him to touch her. One, I knew his skin felt delicate and that Bella would feel uncomfortable touching him and I didn't want to put her through that. But also, a sense of possible envy came over me as I thought of the possibility that he could access her every thought whereas I could not even access one. I didn't want him to be the one to read her mind, her every thought ever. Then there was the idea that I could read her thoughts in Aro's mind as he let them pass. I didn't know if I wanted to invade her privacy like that, even unintentionally.

But I knew there was very little choice, for as Bella would probably not want to anger Aro by declining. This was a good thing too; pleasing him so far seemed the only ticket out of here.

"Of course, how rude of me!" Aro exclaimed. "Bella," he addressed her directly now. "I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent—so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try—to see if you are an exception for _me_, as well?"

Like I had expected, Bella's eyes flashed up to mine in terror. I nodded in encouragement, believing it was better to indulge Aro and get it over with.

Bella turned back to Aro and raised her hand slowly. It was trembling.

Aro glided closer and reached out, as if to shake her hand, and then pressed his skin against hers.

Aro's face altered as I watched. The confidence wavered and became first doubt and then incredulity before he molded it back into a friendly mask.

_Nothing_. He could read nothing.

I was relieved to know it was not just a glitch in my power, but also his. And it was reassuring to know he could not read Bella's thoughts and possibly use them against her.

"So very interesting," he said as he released Bella's hand and drifted back. Bella looked up at me and I stared back for a moment before refocusing on Aro.

He was quiet for a moment, his eyes flickering between the three of us. Then, he shook his head as if trying to shake it off but I knew better. Before he spoke the words, the thoughts of what he wanted to try next flashed in his mind and they hit me like a ton of bricks.

"A first," he said to himself "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents… Jane, dear?"

_Jane's power_. It was one thing to try and read someone's thoughts, but Jane's power was physical. She could cause vampires great mental pain, which meant she could do even more damage with a human. I felt partially stupid for not anticipating Aro's test – so to speak – but the horror of having Bella experience that grabbed me and forced me to get violently protective.

"No!" I snarled the word. Alice grabbed my arm with a restraining hand but I shook her off.

Jane smiled up happily at Aro. "Yes, Master?"

I snarled again, hissing and growling at Jane, the sound ripping causing the room to become instantly quiet. I knew what I did was dangerous because I was on the verge of attacking anyone in the guard or even the Volturi themselves if I had to, which was be a death sentence regardless. But if it prevented Jane from torturing Bella, then I would gladly take the risk.

Felix was ready to jump me, but Aro stopped him before he could.

Then he spoke to Jane. "I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune _to you_."

I growled again, the sound rolling off the thick walls like thunder. I sprung into a coil and while Jane stared at Bella with an inhumane terrifying smile, I launched myself at her.

"Don't!" Alice cried as I moved.

And then I was on the ground, a million tiny pricks of a needle penetrating my skin. Sharp blades cutting through my flesh, bullets tearing my muscles.

With Jane it was all psychological, I knew the pain wasn't real, but that didn't make it hurt any less. It was like slowly being killed, without actually dying.

There was nothing but endless agony.

"Stop!" Bella shrieked, her voice faintly echoing in the silence. I vaguely noticed how she tried to jump between me and Jane - sacrificing herself again, like she had with James - but Alice threw her arms around Bella in an unbreakable grasp before she could.

"Jane," Aro recalled her in a tranquil voice. She looked up quickly, still smiling with pleasure, her eyes questioning. As soon as Jane looked away from me, I was still.

The pain was gone but the aftermath had me breathing heavily and I momentarily felt too weak to fight Jane's attempt to put Bella through the same torment, watching powerlessly as the little girl focused her eyes on Bella.

"He's fine," Alice whispered to Bella in a tight voice.

I sprang to my feet and Bella didn't even seem to realize what Jane was doing as her eyes locked in with mine and I wished more than ever that I could read her thoughts and protect her from this.

I looked at Bella and then at Jane and I knew that Jane was trying to penetrate whatever pain barrier there was between her and Bella.

Nothing happened.

I moved to Bella's side, touched Alice 's arm, and she surrendered her to me.

Aro started to laugh. "Ha, ha. ha," he chuckled. "This is wonderful!"

Jane hissed in frustration, leaning forward like she was preparing to spring.

"Don't be put out, dear one," Aro said in a comforting tone, placing a powder-light hand on her shoulder.

"She confounds us all."

I didn't have much time to ponder on what this meant but made a mental note to talk to Carlisle about this. It was beyond remarkable that Bella did seem immune to certain powers but not to all.

"Ha, ha, ha," Aro chortled again. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once—just out of curiosity." He shook his head in admiration.

I glared, disgusted.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro sighed.

I stiffened and Alice did the same. This was what we had been waiting for and while Aro's musings had delayed the inevitable, the final ruling was here.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro asked me hopefully.

"Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."

I hesitated. Not because I wanted to join - I had no intention of doing that, ever. But there was something to Aro's offer.

It was manipulation. They were using the law to their own benefit. If it gained them something they were willing to overlook things. It wasn't a surprise, but I wondered if I could use it as an advantage, perhaps. The law was the one thing they truly respected, even if they bend the rules occassionally. I just needed the chance to point out their hypocrisy - while a risky move - it would be the kind of reasoning they could not ignore.

"I'd… rather… not." I said, speaking each word with preciseness.

"Alice?" Aro asked, still hopeful. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"

"No, thank you," Alice said.

"And you, Bella?" Aro raised his eyebrows.

This threw me, for I had not expected it. It wasn't a request to stay for dinner - and be the main course - Aro was actually thinking about turning Bella into a vampire for his guard because he was impressed by her power.

Before my disapproving hiss could set off the Guard, it was Caius who broke the silence in surprise.

"What?" he demanded of Aro; his voice, though no more than a whisper.

"Caius, surely you see the potential," Aro chided him affectionately. "I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

Caius looked away with a caustic expression. Jane's eyes sparked with indignation at the comparison.

The anger and the absurdity rumbled in my chest, ready to explode in a fierce growl but Bella's whispered "No, thank you," stopped me before I could.

Aro sighed. "That's unfortunate. Such a waste."

I had been right. They were willing to bend the rules if it gained them powerful vampires.

"Join or die, is that it?" I hissed. "I suspected as much when we were brought to _this _room. So much for your laws."

"Of course not." Aro blinked, astonished. "We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."

Right, they were waiting for dinner. A gourmet of unsuspecting tourists was about to come up. No wonder they wanted to wrap this up so suddenly.

"Aro," Caius hissed. "The law claims them."

_They exposed us; the law upholds that we terminate them for it._

I glared at Caius. "How so?" I demanded, responding to his thoughts, demanding him to speak them aloud so I could make my move.

Caius pointed at Bella. "She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets."

"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," I reminded him coolly.

Caius smirked at my words, leaving my attempt to argue the sentence unsuccesful.

"Yes," he agreed. "But when _they _are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not," he scoffed.

DDamn it, he had a point that I could not argue with.

"I wouldn't—," Bella began, still whispering but Caius silenced her with an icy glare.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," Caius continued. "Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only _her _life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

Of course. They would not kill us all, just the human, since it was only their humans who would meet the same fate if they'd become a liability. Also, Caius did see the potential of Alice or me joining the Volturi someday the same way Aro did and killing us two was not preferable because of it.

I bared my teeth at Caius, who seemed unimpressed by my threat.

"That's what I thought," Caius said, with something akin to pleasure. Felix leaned forward, eager.

"Unless…" Aro interrupted. He looked unhappy with the way the conversation had gone. He wanted all of us to live, ironically. Or rather he wanted Bella to become one of us.

"Unless you do intend to give her immortality?"

_Immortality_. The price to pay for getting out of here alive. Bella would not die at the teeth of the Volturi, but she would die nonetheless. That seemed like an unfair trade.

But it would mean I would get to keep her forever which was better than her actual death.

I hesitated before answering, thinking of earlier when she had come to save me, when heaven had been in my grip, an angel in my arms. An afterlife with Bella.

What if it could become forever with Bella? Was I willing to risk her soul for that?

There was no fair answer, only a selfish one.

_I was._

"And if I do?"

Aro smiled, happy again. "Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." His expression turned more hesitant. "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it."

Aro raised his hand in front of me, eager to read my thoughts to see if I was going to mean it.

Caius, who had begun to scowl furiously, relaxed. _He_ was certain I didn't mean it.

I stared at Bella and she stared back, her eyes pleading.

"Mean it," she whispered. "Please."

I tried to decipher if she pleaded with me, so that her life would be spared - for now- or if she was serious about her request. Did she want forever with me? Or did she think the life of an immortal was _that_ appealing?

I knew she had expressed her desire to become a vampire before and that her devotion to me had been genuine but things had changed. I had left her for months and appeared to have broken her in the process of acting on my own stupidity. Alice's visions had shown me glimpses of the pain and the depression she had been in, though it was filtered through Charlie's eyes, meaning it was probably worse than what Alice had showed me.

That pain, pain I had caused, could be reason enough for her to hate me. But she didn't. She held on to me like a lifeline. Like she still wanted me. Forever even. Though could it be the idea of forever was more appealing than spending it with me? I didn't want to believe that - Bella loved me as much as humanly possible - but her eagerness to give up her human life was strange to me.

I was still torn between what was right – keeping her human, because she shouldn't be trapped in an endless life - although right now it seemed like she didn't have much time left anyway - and my selfish desire to be with her always.

And then, before I could settle on a decision Alice stepped away from us, forward toward Aro. We turned to watch her. Her hand was raised like his and Aro waved off his anxious guard as they moved to block her approach. Aro met her halfway, and took her hand with an eager, acquisitive glint in his eyes.

He bent his head over their touching hands, his eyes closing as he concentrated. Alice was motionless, her face blank.

My teeth snapped together at what she showed him. It was the vision I had seen more than once and yet I could still not process it without feeling anger and sadness wash over me. Bella's ruby eyes, the look of a newborn, her body made of marble, her face frozen in time. Alice teeth delicately sinking into her neck, because she had promised Bella she would change her.

I fumed at whatever had made Alice decide this – apparently she was tired of all the drama surrounding the decision, I'd gathered from her thoughts, also knowing she had kept this from me before when she had conveniently hid behind the preoccupation of dealing with the Volturi.

Also, her visions were as subjective as ever and what she showed Aro didn't have to come to pass if Alice would break her promise. I was not certain what bothered me more; Alice's promise; it was not hers to make or the fact she may be giving Bella false hope which could crush her if Alice decided not to follow through. Not to mention the possibility Alice was using her decision to try and get me to do it.

I ached at the certainty in the pictures, frame after frame showing me the inevitability of Bella's future, whether she wanted it or not. Whether she wanted me or not.

She would become one of us. And there was a part of me which welcomed this so much. Perhaps that disgusted me the most. I had already broken Bella more than once, time after time I endangered her and still I wanted the very essence of her: her life. I didn't deserve it.

Aro's voice broke the silence.

"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed, his head still bent forward. He looked up slowly, his eyes bright with excitement. "That was _fascinating_!"

Alice smiled dryly. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"To see the things you've seen—especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" He shook his head in wonder.

"But that will," she reminded him, voice calm.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem."

Caius looked bitterly disappointed—a feeling he seemed to share with Felix and Jane.

"Aro," Caius complained.

"Dear Caius," Aro smiled. "Do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household… Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

We were free to leave, now that it appeared that Bella would become an immortal and Aro still had his chance to have us join his coven someday. He held onto that and his curiosity on how the future would play itself out. Ironically curiosity wasn't killing the cat today. It saved us.

Aro seemed convinced, for now and that was enough. Marcus cared too little and Caius was not going against Aro, surprisingly.

"Then we are free to go now?" I asked in an even voice.

"Yes, yes," Aro said pleasantly. "But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!"

"And we will visit you as well," Caius promised darkly. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances."

I nodded once, knowing he was completely serious. I couldn't bring myself to care much though; I was only focused on getting out of here as soon as - humanly - possible.

Caius smirked and drifted back to where Marcus still sat, unmoving and uninterested.

Felix groaned in disappointment.

"Ah, Felix." Aro smiled, amused. "Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience."

_Humans_, I could smell them faintly but the scent was getting stronger, because they were approaching rather fast. I did not want Bella to witness that. Nor did I want the frenzy that was about to erupt in this room to become a problem and jeopardize her.

"Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later," I urged.

"Yes," Aro agreed. "That's a good idea. Accidents _do _happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind."

"Of course," I agreed.

"And here," Aro added, motioning to Felix with one finger. Felix came forward at once, and Aro unfastened the gray cloak he wore, pulling from his shoulders. He tossed it to me.

"Take this. You're a little conspicuous."

I put the long cloak on, leaving the hood down. The fabric felt unnatural against my skin, because I knew what Aro would see. A future member of his coven.

Aro sighed and spoke the words I expected. "It suits you."

I chuckled once because I had been right about my assumption at Aro's pleasure to see me wear this, but as I could hear human thoughts and smell human scents drift closer I became anxious to leave.

"Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends," Aro said, his eyes bright as he stared in the same direction.

"Let's go," I said, pulling Bella along, while Demetri gestured that we should follow, and then headed the way we'd come in.

"Not fast enough," Alice muttered. I could see the images of death exploding in her mind; innocent humans paying the price for _their_ curiosity. Someone had to, today it seemed.

Bella stared up at my sister, frightened and curious, her eyes full of silent questions, worry and exhaustion. We had to move fast, because Bella was not going to last much longer. Her body was already slightly slumping and her emotions were about to break free. I didn't want her to fall apart here.

"Well this is unusual," a man's coarse voice boomed through the hall way. Their thoughts were becoming louder so they were definitely getting closer and fast. It would be near impossible to miss them.

_It looks suspicious. This better not be one of this property money scams._

"So medieval," an unpleasantly shrill, female voice gushed back.

_It's nice but chilly._

A large crowd was coming through the little door, filling the small stone chamber. Most of the thoughts remained relatively calm, only some were becoming worried or suspicious. None of them were prepared for what would be their final moments and we could not even safe them, because it would instantly revoke the decision to let us go.

_Bella's safety matters, only hers,_ I told myself as the humans approached us. It was sad that these people were going to get killed and we would likely audibly witness this, but for once I felt my selfishness was justified.

Demetri motioned for us to make room so that the humans could pass. We pressed back against the cold wall to let them.

The couple in front, Americans from the sound of them, glanced around themselves with appraising eyes.

"Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra!" I could hear Aro sing from the big turret room.

The rest of them, maybe forty or more, filed in after the couple. Some studied the setting like tourists. A few even snapped pictures. Others looked confused, as if the story that had led them to this room was not making sense anymore.

Bella looked surprised and scared and I pulled her face against my chest as if that would protect her from what was going to happen in that room.

But she already understood and her heart picked up speed and her breath labored in fear and as soon as the smallest break appeared, I pushed Bella quickly toward the door.

The hallway was quiet and empty except for Heidi, one of the vampire guards, the one who had brought the humans in. She had mahogany hair and her eyes were violet—a color that resulting from blue-tinted contacts over red irises. I supposed she was considered beautiful by humans; the perfect bait, as well as the fisherman.

She stared at us curiously; Bella in particular, wondering if she too was intended to be brought in there and slightly disappointed to realize we were on our way out and not staying for dinner.

"Welcome home, Heidi," Demetri greeted her from behind us.

Heidi smiled absently as Bella stared at her.

"Demetri," she responded, her eyes flickering between Bella's face and my gray cloak.

"Nice fishing," Demetri complimented her.

"Thanks." She flashed a superior smile. "Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute. Save a few for me."

Heidi nodded and ducked through the door with one last curious look at Bella.

I tried to set a pace that had Bella almost running, wanting to prevent her from experiencing the horror that was about to unfold.

We pushed through the door at the end of the hallway - but not before the screaming started, causing Bella to start trembling.

I pulled her along, keeping her as close as I could, leaving the deepest pits of hell behind, while the sounds of mayhem and death echoed behind us.

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**It's been a while and we're reaching the end. I know this is not the most exciting story, because it's a story we all know. I am only trying to do Edward's voice justice and hopefully I (occasionally) succeed.**

**Thanks for all the support! Without it I might have given up a long time ago since this story is hard to write. But all of you who read it, make me want to keep going :)**

**If you like rambles and want to know when I update, follow me on Twitter: twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**Happy weekend!**


	22. Flight

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, dialogues, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**CHAPTER 17: FLIGHT**

Desperately begging for mercy, pointless pleas to spare a life.

The thoughts still penetrated my mind as we got led to the reception room where Gianna was waiting for us. Demetri seemed in good spirits as he left us there. Of course he was. He was about to indulge in a formidable feast. It was disgusting to think what he was heading back to. A room full of innocent harmless beings. A massacre.

"Do not leave until dark," he warned us before leaving.

Gianna looked at us, she was absolutely not surprised to see us, but the cloak I was wearing currently to cover myself up did make her wonder briefly if I had joined the Volturi –which was such a preposterous assumption. I would never become like _them._

It was only a flicker in her thoughts until she remembered what Demetri had requested; that we would stay here until it turned dark outside. Her fascination was short-spanned and then she turned back to her job: being the hospitable receptionist.

I could not be bothered to care about her thoughts for long, since I was in close proximity to a girl who had just experienced something that must have been the most traumatizing in her life. Being in a room of immortal beings that could have easily killed her. As if my entire existence intertwined with hers would not be frightening enough – though it never seemed to scare Bella – this must be her undoing. After all, how much could someone deal with and still come out resembling a sense of normal.

And Bella had had been through so much in the past few days. Jumping off a cliff, saving me from myself, facing a group of powerful and relentless vampires. Not to mention travelling transatlantic. It was a surprise she wasn't completely falling to pieces.

Although, maybe she was. I felt her unsteady heartbeat pounding away. It proved she was less than stable at the moment.

"Are you all right?" I asked anxiously, feeling her frame shake violently as she stood close to me. Her breathing was becoming shallower too, like she was having a panic attack.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice said. "She's going to pieces."

"Shh, Bella, shh," I tried to reassure her and I pulled us to the sofa farthest away from the curious human at the desk.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested.

Her comment threw me. I was at a loss what to do. Slap her? Surely Alice was being sarcastic. I could never be violent with Bella. Then again, I read about how people could snap out of anxious situation by being distracted and slapping, given the usual surprise effect would do the trick. I just didn't want to go that far. I opted for trying to sooth her instead.

"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right," I chanted again and again. I pulled Bella onto my lap and tucked the thick wool cloak around her, so she would be protected from my cold skin.

She wouldn't stop crying and the tears started to spill over, leaving her cheeks wet and her eyes puffy. The sobs occasionally choked in her threat and she was blinking viciously, as she continued to stare at me through her watery eyes.

"All those people," she sobbed.

"I know," I whispered. To think of the sacrifice those people had made, their lives given because they had been lured in by beings they would have never been able to resist or fight off. Their pleas to be spared haunted me.

"It's so horrible."

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that."

Bella didn't respond and instead rested her head against my chest, using the thick cloak to wipe her eyes. She took a few deep breaths to try and calm down.

"Is there anything I can get you?" a voice asked politely. It was Gianna, leaning over my shoulder with a look that was both concerned and yet still professional and detached at the same time.

I had heard her coming, but I'd been so focused on Bella that I hadn't paid enough attention to stop her before she could approach and speak.

.

"No," I answered coldly, dismissing her.

She nodded, smiled at Bella and then disappeared. Her mind never hinted at any discomfort. She accepted what she saw and tolerated whatever strange things she experienced here.

Gianna had learned not to question anything, because that would be her best bet to stay human - thus alive – and hopefully eventually become a vampire.

"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella demanded. Her voice sounded hoarse from crying.

But there was more to it. There was an undertone, a hint of something I could not place, and I hated it. As always I wished for her thoughts to guide me and as always my wishes were idle.

"Yes. She knows everything," I told Bella earnestly.

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?" Bella wondered

"She's knows it's a possibility," I said.

Bella seemed puzzled as she processed my words.

"She's hoping they'll decide to keep her." I clarified.

"She wants to be one of them?"

She truly sounded surprised and then I recognized the underlying sentiment I had not been able to pick up on before.

She was genuinely _appalled._ Appalled by the idea of Gianna wanting to become a vampire. This was a little ironic because a few hours ago she had pleaded with me to make her immortal too.

_"Mean it". _ – Her words from before whispered to me. Had she forgotten about that? Or had the vile display of murder she had just experienced finally made her realize what it entailed to be a vampire and turned her off the idea of becoming one for good.

Bella confirmed my assessment by shuddering. "How can she want _that?"_

"How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of _that_?"

_That_. That was what vampires did. What they needed to survive. Our nature.

_My nature. _

I couldn't deny that her words stung, because she defined something I'd so desperately tried to shake for so long.

I _was_ that monster, or at least I had been. And while murdering those who went against the law served the purpose of some strange poetic justice, I had still done the same thing; lure them in and kill them; quenching my thirst by playing judge, jury and executioner.

_That _creature that could do the vile and murderous things she'd just heard, that creature had been _me_ at some point.

"Oh, Edward," Bella suddenly cried out.

I felt helpless, because Bella was all over the place. This was natural for humans, clearly this was a short term variety on post traumatic stress but I didn't know what the right way to respond to it was. My surfacing human instinct told me to hold her close and shower her with affection, but I didn't know if that would be the right way of comforting her.

"What's wrong?" I asked Bella as I anxiously rubbed her back. It was such a silly question, so redundant. What was wrong? Try everything.

She didn't answer me and simply wrapped her arms around my neck to hug herself closer.

I could feel some hesitation in her movement – like she was afraid to be close to me for some reason and I could only guess as to why that was. Maybe she didn't want to be this close to me but only allowed herself because she was cold and the cloak was warm, or maybe because she knew that for now I'd be her safest bet out of here unscathed.

I didn't want to believe Bella acted solely on these rational motivations; surely she wanted to be as close to me as I to her because she still cared for me.

But for how long? As soon as the worst of her fears had disappeared, as soon as we'd be out of here and on our way back to Forks or maybe once we were back in Forks, she would realize that maybe she didn't want to be close to me after all.

"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" she asked, her voice breaking on the question.

The question sounded surreal in more ways than one. Yes, feeling happy while being in a place that resembled hell was a little sick, though I definitely felt it too.

But also, if she was really happy now, I wondered how much of a contribution I was making to that feeling. Given her closeness – which I was basking in – it seemed my presence was a reason to make her feel this way.

And this thrilled me so much – which was as sick as generally feeling happy after just having witnessed death and despair- that I pulled her against me even tighter, feeling the heat of her body, which – although she was only starting to warm up – was like a delightful wildfire burning my icy limbs. How I had missed this torture.

"I know exactly what you mean," I whispered. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."

That was definitely a small victory. Alive meant a future. Alive meant possibilities. Alive meant _together. _Hopefully.

"Yes," Bella agreed. "That's a good one."

"And together," I breathed.

Bella nodded but just slightly so it didn't seem like she was willing to acknowledge that.

I didn't understand. Here she was, in my arms, hugging me close at her own free will – well sort of, I was keeping an iron grip on her, unwilling to let her go, even if she would beg me too I wasn't certain if I'd be willing to comply – and yet she didn't seem as excited as I was about that fact. And maybe it was the wrong emotion – Lord knows I was still struggling with finding the appropriate ones when confronted with all these human rollercoaster moments – but as long as we were together nothing else mattered.

Her body seemed to agree with me, but maybe her mind didn't. And since I had no access to the latter, I was left guessing as always.

"And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow," I eased her.

"Hopefully," Bella said but again she didn't sound very confident. Did she think we were going to die? I tried to read her body, for her mind remained a mystery but there were no new signs of anxiety. Her heartbeat was almost regular – she wasn't free of all stress yet – and her breathing came in equal intakes of air. Her body didn't seem as distressed as her words did.

And once again I had no idea of knowing what she really meant. Guessing was driving me mad.

"The outlook is quite good," Alice assured us with confidence.

Her thoughts were entirely occupied with images of Jasper.

"I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours," she echoed her thoughts aloud, sounding satisfied.

Alice was lucky. Her future was secure. Mine was up in the air. I had no idea if Bella still wanted me, especially because I surely didn't deserve her. Maybe she'd want me gone as soon as we arrived back in Forks. What would I do if she ordered me to go? Would I stay or would I respect her wishes, move back to Brazil and wait for the day she'd forgiven me and perhaps tolerate me as a friend.

Could I give her up?

Could I be a friend if that's what she requested? If she dismissed me the way I had so many months ago. I would deserve the irony of having her back, only to lose her again because she no longer wanted me. But could I live with that any more than I lived with the idea of her death a few days ago?

I had no answer to that. Not yet. Now that she was so close, it was easy to pretend she did want me, that she still wanted to be mine. That she still belonged to me.

Bella stared at me, her gazing intense and a little unsettling because it felt like she was penetrating right through my soul. Like she could read my thoughts where I could not hers.

And I desperately wanted to believe what I read in her deep chocolate eyes – she still loved me and wanted me even if I didn't deserve it.

To try and decipher this, I stared right back and for a few moments all we did was get lost in each other's eyes. Drowning together in the make belief of a perfect reunion where no one had gotten hurt, no one was angry and no one would ever walk away_._

_It can be that way_, I thought. We could be together. If she'd say the word, forgive me and take me back than I would never leave again. No matter how selfish that made me. If she'd grant me a second chance, I'd grab it and prove her that I was worthy of that trust and her affection.

And because I was getting lost in the sensation, I became bold and touched Bella. I simply had to. Slowly, my fingertips traced the circles under her eyes, the tingling of touching her skin coursing through me, pulsing like electricity pushed to the core. I yearned for her so much, in so many wicked ways but one. I didn't want to kill her anymore. I just wanted her.

_Always._

"You look so tired," I told her.

"And you look thirsty," she whispered back, studying my face.

I hadn't hunted in a long time and under normal circumstances I would have instantly been incredibly thirsty by what Bella had just pointed out. But knowing I had almost lost her, knowing that once I had almost killed her – which would have had the same outcome; losing her – I didn't feel thirsty at all. The primary urge was there, since it was in my nature, but my mind could circumvent the flame of venom burning my throat easily.

I shrugged. "It's nothing."

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice," she offered bur she sounded somewhat unwilling which secretly pleased me. Her body really did give me answers her mind was so reluctant to.

"Don't be ridiculous." I sighed. "I've never been in better control of _that _side of my nature than right now."

I deliberately underlined the word, pointing out my nature to see if she realized what I meant. I didn't want her to compare me to those monsters in there, even if it was a part of what I was. I could control myself; I didn't have to be a monster anymore.

And it didn't matter right now for she was in my arms. She was in my arms and she was safe. I could feel her and taste her fragrance on my tongue and while it burned to have her this close it was the ultimate proof that she was alive and that we were together. A sweet intoxication which I welcomed. I'd rather burn and struggle forever than to never feel the sensation of her overpowering scent again.

Bella was trying to relax; I could feel her body slumping in my arms. Surely she was beyond exhausted. While she kept silent, Alice and I were discussing how to get back to the airport

"As soon as we get out of here, I am going to retrieve our luggage from the narrow nook in an alley close to the outer gates where I have stashed them."

Oh, and find us a car, too" Alice informed me.

I frowned. I'd seen the car she has used to get here. A yellow Porsche. Not exactly inconspicuous.

"What will you get this time, Alice? A Hummer? Bright red Ferrari?" I muttered

I grimaced at the memory of the old Maserati that had gotten me here. Not exactly known for its powerful engine. It had been a squeaky old thing that I had gladly gotten rid of.

_Don't be silly, Edward. Italy has no Hummers. Especially not around here. Bright red Ferrari? Nice idea but we would not all fit into one….so unless you want to run to Florence, I'd better get something with a little more space_

"I'll go with whatever I can find. Preferably fast."

I left it at that and went back to focusing on Bella's breathing and the comforting sound of her heartbeat against my chest. She seemed calm now, no real signs of stress left – for the moment.

And so I touched her again, not knowing how it would affect her but also not being able to resist the urge to. I pressed my lips to her hair, feeling the velvet sensation of it. I breathed in deep and tasted her on my tongue.

It was heavenly.

"What was all that talk about _singers_?" Alice asked me suddenly.

"_La tua cantante," _I translated in fluent Italian.

"Yes, that," Alice said

I shrugged. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my _singer_—because her blood sings for me."

And right now it was the most beautiful melody. What had once been my temptation in the worst way; a desire to massacre Forks High school and drain Bella of the last drop off her blood was now a siren call for eternity. Not one to kill, but one to cherish forever.

Alice laughed at my explanation. To her most of this was trivial. She found Bella and me dramatic but of course also enjoyed the drama enough to meddle.

We spend the rest of the time quietly. I could feel that Bella was fighting to stay awake and I could only guess why. She should sleep because it would make time pass quicker and also, I suspected she had been awake for quite some time already and her body would cave if she didn't allow it to rest, even if her mind couldn't stop racing.

But she never did sleep. She held me close; as I held her and occasionally sighed when I would press me lips tip her hair, nose or forehead. She didn't flinch when I'd touch her wrist with my lips and she certainly didn't push me away. I tried not to doubt that her little moans were ones of satisfaction, but I still wasn't sure on where we stood. We'd have to have a conversation about that eventually.

Eventually, I could hear thoughts approaching. Freshly fed, Alec was coming to tell us that we were free to go. I tightened my arms around Bella protectively, looking at the back of the room, waiting for him to appear.

When he did, I noticed the satiated thirst for his eyes were ruby red, swimming with human blood.

While I could smell the residue of blood on his lips and tongue, I didn't envy him one bit.

I was no longer that monster. More than ever I was perhaps a man or trying very hard to be.

"You're free to leave now," Alec told us warmly, as if we were friends that had been visiting.

"We ask that you don't linger in the city."

I didn't say a word, for it was a moot point. We would not linger. We wouldn't be here any longer than necessary.

"That won't be a problem."

Alec smiled, nodded, and disappeared again.

"Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators," Gianna told us as I helped Bella to her feet.

"The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now," she added pleasantly.

Alice shot her a look and her thoughts were less than kind.

_Stupid woman. They'll kill her once she gets too old, or when she will be less accommodating._

We left through a purposely luxurious lobby which upheld the pretense of a welcoming space well.

Outside, the party was still in full swing in the streets. The street lamps were just coming on as we walked swiftly through the narrow streets.

It was near twilight as the sky become darker – there was a fading evening grey overhead covering the last of the sun. I felt better here, glad to be in an open space.

I looked around, finding my cloak did not stand out in the way it might have on a normal evening in Volterra. There were plenty of others in black satin cloaks, and most of them were wearing plastic fangs to pay homage to their saints.

"Ridiculous," I muttered as I pulled Bella along.

"Where's Alice?" Bella suddenly whispered, sounded panicked.

I realized she must have missed our conversation earlier, where Alice had announced she'd find us transportation to get out of here.

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning," I eased her mind.

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" Bella guessed dryly, her panic dissipated.

I grinned. "Not till we're outside."

We made our way to the entry and it was difficult for Bella to keep up. I could feel she was spent; her legs were barely able to carry her. I wound my arm around her, trying to support all of her weight – and enjoyed the feel of having her close.

_Edward, once you're through the gate, it's the black Fiat to the right of it. Not what I wanted but the only thing available._

I gently pulled us through the dark stone archway and led Bella towards the car Alice had described.

Instead of taking the passenger seat I joined Bella in the back, because I didn't want to spend a moment separated, even if it was just by a seating arrangement in a small confined space. I refused to let her go now that I still had the chance of holding her.

Alice was apologetic. "I'm sorry." She gestured toward the dashboard. "There wasn't much to choose from."

I smiled at the images Alice showed me. She'd spend two whole minutes looking for a fast car at an abandoned parking lot close to the small space she had hit the luggage she and Bella had carried.

When she realized she'd already had her fast Italian car pick of the day, she'd opted for a black Fiat which looked insignificant and was easy to steal.

"It's fine, Alice." I grinned. "They can't all be 911 Turbos."

She sighed. "I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."

_I can already see myself speed down the 101 with it when I go shopping in Seattle._

"I'll get you one for Christmas," I promised to which Alice turned to beam at me in thanks.

_Knew you would,_ she teased.

"Yellow," she added to her request.

_I'll hold you to that. If it hadn't been for me meddling like you warned me not to, things would have turned out quite different…you would have been dead. Or a part of the Volturi. Probably dead though because you're so melodramatic. _

I wanted to reject the words, reject the fact Alice had a point – she loved being right – so I decided to focus on being grateful and happy to have Bella in my arms. I kept holding her tight and was actually finding the cloak useful as it kept Bella warm and comfortable, even if it looked beyond ridiculous and represented everything I didn't want to be – or join.

She must have felt the same, because I could feel her heartbeat become lower and her breathing slower. Bella was becoming really sleepy now but still fighting to stay awake.

"You can sleep now, Bella," I murmured. "It's over."

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

She was so incredibly headstrong.

I pressed my lips to my favorite spot under Bella's ear, where I could feel her blood pulsing. It made my throat burn and my tongue drown in venom, but I ignored the bloodlust with ease.

"Try," I tried and encourage her.

She wouldn't.

I sighed. "You're still just as stubborn."

We were on our way to Atlanta. After arriving in Florence we had all changed – Alice had bought me new clothes, calling it a crime against fashion to not buy me 'some Italian' at the airport. I had not cared, only Bella's wellbeing interested me and she seemed better after she had changed into clean clothes as well. Alice had put on the charm and managed to book us last minute tickets to Seattle with stops in Rome and Atlanta since it was the only thing available.

Once in Rome we didn't have much time to catch the flight to Atlanta and now we were up in the air, where Bella had just ordered a Coke after the flight attendant had asked her if she wanted anything.

"Bella," I said disapprovingly, frowning, knowing what caffeine did to her. Since she didn't have coffee regularly and even a Coke was enough to get her hyped up I wondered what a rush of that would do to her body now. She was exhausted and a jolt of fake stimulance might be damaging.

"I don't want to sleep," Bella reminded me. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

I could not argue with that. The last thing I wanted was to have recent events come back and plague her in her much needed sleep. Still, she had to get rest at some point and it was only a matter of time until her body would succumb to being so worn out.

Alice was behind us. I could hear her murmuring to Jasper on the phone; she was sharing the details of our arrival and updating him on everything that had happened in Volterra. I gathered from her thoughts that my family were already on their way to Seattle to pick us up.

It would have been a very good time to talk to Bella and I knew there was plenty to talk about, but I preferred holding her in my arms, tracing her face, as she did mine.

It felt so perfect, so divine and I knew that talking would only ruin the feeling. And who knew how many moments we'd have left. Bella seemed like she wanted me, but I wasn't certain what her life was like in Forks now. Maybe she'd find that there was no longer a place for me there once we'd be back and everything had sunk in.

Maybe she had found new routines to stick to; maybe there was no room for me anymore.

Bella didn't speak either but she also didn't sleep due to the amount of soda she kept ordering.

I had decided against commenting on it again, instead reveling in the fact of being able to touch her. I could not resist the urge to touch her: pressing my lips into her silky hair, kissing her forehead. The pressure point on her wrists where the steady beats of her heart proved that we had really managed to escape the horror of Volterra and that she was alive and with me.

I kissed her in all kinds of spots on her body but never her lips and with good reason. If I kissed her, I knew that I would not be able to stop easily.

I knew that I'd treasure the touch of her lips against mine in such a way that I'd want to pour all my love and desire into it.

This was great in theory but in practice I had no idea if this is what Bella wanted. What if she didn't? What if she and Jacob Black had gotten closer? If that was the case – and I hoped that it wasn't because I felt like I'd have to kill him if he'd taken Bella way from me – even if that was completely my own fault- than she would turn away and I was uncertain if I'd be strong enough to bear it.

I suppose I was terribly afraid of rejection. So far she hadn't rejected me, but I didn't want to push my luck or Bella for that matter.

When the sun started to rise, casting a grey sky in an odd light of yellow and orange, we arrived in Seattle.

It was no surprise to Alice and me to see our family there. Jasper stood out - though never overly obvious, as he kept his eyes and thoughts fixated on Alice. He gave me a brief mental nod, chiding me for endangering Alice as much as being happy I was alive and well before all his attention completely turned to Alice.

She went quickly to his side; they didn't embrace like other couples meeting there. They only stared into each other's faces silently communicating everything they needed to.

I envied them; they knew that they'd be together no matter what. That they had forever. I didn't know if I'd even get to keep Bella for another day.

Carlisle and Esme waited in a quiet corner far from the line for the metal detectors, in the shadow of a pillar.

The moment we were close enough, Esme came up and hugged Bella fiercely.

"Thank you so much," she said in her ear.

Then she threw her arms around me, and I could sense and hear all the emotions she had kept bottled up. Not having the ability for a physical outlet like crying, she transferred them into my own mind, making me feel terrible for being so selfish and disconnected all these months I knew I would never have done anything differently – I simply would not have been able to because the pain – which was completely absent now; there was only the simmering uncertainty as I didn't know exactly where Bella and I stood.

"You will _never _put me through that again," she nearly growled.

_We're a family, Edward and family doesn't run away from each other._

I grinned, repentant. "Sorry, Mom."

"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said. "We owe you."

_Son,_ he quietly acknowledged me. There was a strange pride and comfort in that word. He still wanted me to be his son. And he hadn't lost all his faith in me.

"Hardly," Bella mumbled disconnectedly. Sleep was overpowering her completely, as she started to sway and Esme and I had to keep her upright.

"She's dead on her feet," Esme scolded me. "Let's get her home."

_Home_. I had to admit I was not sure if I wanted her to go home. Things would be different there and I was sure that her home was no longer a welcoming habitat for me.

In the parking lot Emmett and Rosalie were waiting, leaning against the black sedan, their thoughts a mixture of relief and guilt. Emmett felt relieved.

_Would have sucked to go up to Italy and hurt these bastards for killing you. Even if you were stupid enough to go there in the first place without back-up, bro._

Rosalie surprised me with genuine remorse on her mind.

_I am sorry, Edward. I should have been more careful and I should not have been selfish to believe Bella's death would have things go back to normal. I know you care about her and she has shown bravery for going to Volterra and save you. Which I am grateful for._

It angered me and I wanted to tell her to save it for someone who cared. I had no desire to hear her remorse and I didn't feel like I wanted to give her the chance to make amends.

"Don't," Esme whispered. "She feels awful."

"She should," I said, knowing Rosalie could hear me.

"It's not her fault," Bella said, her words barely audible as she struggled to get them out.

"Let her make amends," Esme pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper.

_Edward, the family has been apart long enough, _Esme begged silently.

I glowered at Rosalie, desperate to block her thoughts out.

_Don't be stubborn. I am truly sorry._

"Please, Edward," Bella pleaded.

I sighed, knowing I might as well get it over with. Esme had a point. The family had been separated too long. And I should give Rosalie the chance to make amends, if not with me than especially with Bella.

I towed Bella toward the car where Emmett and Rosalie got in the front seat without speaking,

We got in the back and Bella leaned into me, her head on my chest, no longer able to resist the call of sleep. The gesture made me feel calmer and allowed the initial anger to subside.

"Edward," Rosalie began.

"I know." I acknowledged her apology brusquely. That was all I was going to give her.

"Bella?" Rosalie asked softly.

Bella's eyes fluttered open and she seemed shocked. This wasn't a surprise as Rosalie had never directly spoken to Bella.

"Yes, Rosalie?" she asked, sounding hesitant.

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."

She sounded sincere and I knew she was, even if there was a hint of embarrassment there which annoyed me. Her ego never allowed her to completely let her guard down and be open to the possibility of accepting her imperfections.

"Of course, Rosalie," Bella mumbled generously.

"It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

The words came out like mush.

"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose," Emmett chuckled.

"I'm conscious," she said but it just sounded like a garbled sigh.

"Let her sleep," I insisted, but I sounded less angry.

It was only a short while later when we pulled up on Bella's street.

Anxiety crept up on me again, as I felt Charlie Swan's silent anger bellowing through the small house. I'd never been able to hear him well, but he was loud and clear now.

He hated me and would do anything to keep me away from his daughter.

I deserved it, undoubtedly, but it still pained me and I feared that he would ground her or only allow her to see Jacob. I knew he favored the boy and while I could definitely not blame him, I also didn't want him to push them together.

The car halted and I opened the door to carry her from the car.

"Bella!" Chief Swan shouted as he approached us.

"Charlie," she mumbled, trying to wake up but failing.

"Shh," I whispered. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep."

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie yelled at me, practically running now.

"Stop it, Dad," Bella groaned, still not sounding very coherent.

"What's wrong with her?" Charlie demanded.

_What did he do to her? If he hurt her any more than he already did, I will kill him._

No idle threat, albeit an impossible one.

"She's just very tired, Charlie," I assured him quietly. "Please let her rest."

I knew it was the wrong sentiment. I knew that I was out of line to tell him what to do, but I wanted her to sleep because she needed it.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Charlie yelled. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

I tried to pass her to Charlie not wanting to anger him any further and risk him having a heart attack; his face was too red and his heart was doing overtime - but Bella clung to me with locked fingers and I'd be lying if this didn't silently please me. She wasn't dismissing me just yet now that she was home. Though maybe she was too sleepy to process it.

"Cut it out, Dad," Bella said with more volume, as she managed to open her eyes and look at her dad

"Be mad at _me_."

Interesting. She wanted her father to be mad at her, even if it was my entire fault. I took her protectiveness as a good sign, although it was unjustified for her to take the blame.

"You bet I will be," Charlie promised her. "Get inside."

"Kay. Let me down," she sighed.

I complied and set her on her feet. That only worked for a second before she trudged forward and I caught her before she could hit the sidewalk.

"Just let me _get _her upstairs," I told Charlie."Then I'll leave."

"No," Bella cried, panicking. Again I was met with this unfounded joy I felt at her plea. I wasn't happy she was panicking, but as long as she didn't send me away I might have a chance to keep her and have her forgive me. Even if I didn't deserve it.

"I won't be far," I vowed, whispered low enough so that only Bella would hear. I'd never be far away again if she'd want me to stay.

I didn't wait for Charlie to stop me and carried Bella inside and up the stairs to her room.

I made a point of putting her down first, prying her soft fingers off my shirt. I covered her up and took a second to let nostalgia wash over me.

It had been months since I had been here and the last time I had, I'd covered up all the things that could remind Bella of me under her floorboards. I wondered if she had ever found them. One of the many questions and things we'd have to talk about.

Wearing my new clothes, I realized I'd lost the photo I had taken with me last time I was here. I didn't know where I had lost it but it must have been somewhere between Volterra and here.

I sighed at the loss of that memento, wishing I'd be able to redeem myself and get the chance to collect new mementos.

The scent was exactly as I remembered and memories filled my mind as I thought of the first night I had spent here. The night I had realized I loved her. My midnight sun.

That had not changed; in fact it had only become stronger. She was still my only light, my only point of reference.

My only true meaning. She was _everything._

But I had no way of knowing if Bella still felt the same. I was certain she still cared; her affections gave proof of that but maybe the time apart had allowed her to move on, like I had wanted her to.

I didn't have a chance to dwell on that for long, because Bella's bedroom door slammed open, revealing a furious Chief Swan in the opening.

"I don't know why you are back and I have yet to hear Bella's explanation," he started, surprisingly calm, despite his angry features.

"But I will tell you one thing with absolute certainty. You will not and I mean never, set a foot inside my house again."

I didn't protest him or pleaded for him to let me explain a few things. I listened to his anger and his thoughts transpired the pain I had put his daughter through.

I deserved far worse than Chief Swan's wrath.

"Now get the hell out!"

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**A/N: Edward is mirroring Bella in this chapter. They both have the same insecurities. Both worried the other doesn't want them anymore. Next chapter, we'll clear that up.**

**As always, thanks for all the support. I try to do Edward justice, since he is my favorite (and sometimes the most underrated and misunderstood) character.**

**If you want to know when I update or like random tweets, follow me on Twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion (If you are waiting for Eternally Intertwined - my other story, the update is coming, hopefully tomorrow)**

**Have a great weekend!**


	23. The Truth

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, dialogues, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of Fallen Horizon is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**CHAPTER 18: THE TRUTH**

_Midnight._

Far away I could hear a clock softly chiming. _Twelve_ times.

Bella had been asleep for more than twelve hours. After everything we'd been through I didn't the heart to wake her up, even if she needed to come back to reality eventually. For now she needed the rest.

Since it had been the middle of the day when we had arrived at her house, I'd had to wait a while to be alone with her. Those first few hours, Charlie had checked up on her every thirty minutes. Finally, when dinnertime came around and a sports game of some sort was broadcast on the TV Charlie had remained downstairs, leaving Bella to rest. He'd gone to bed at 10.00 PM, checking up on her one more time for the night. He was snoring loudly now, which meant I could be close to her, even if I was breaking his rules.

I didn't care about that, I simply lay beside Bella my arm around her, holding her tightly. I reveled in her warmth and her scent. The accompanying burn in my throat which was easy to ignore.

She was alive, that was all that mattered. The burn would always be a reminder of that. It was no longer a threat, it was a promise. As long as I burned, she was alive and near me. And if I was lucky, she would still want me once she knew the truth.

I remembered the last time I was in her room, watching her. When I'd been so blinded by the glooming darkness that had weighed me down at the prospect of leaving her. The night of her birthday party, when everything had gone so horribly wrong. The events that had instigated my departure. A departure that had broken us both, it seemed.

I sighed deeply as I held Bella in my arms. I could not be certain if she was aware – she'd been quiet in her slumber, not moving or talking like she usually did; I wondered if she had stopped doing that all together or if it was her exhaustion that left her motionless tonight.

Being here now, after everything we had been through in the past few days – escaping death in more ways than one – felt like a grand reward.

One I didn't deserve. But it was inevitable. I was always going to want Bella, need Bella. My midnight sun was shining brightly in this room that had seemed so dark when I had last visited it. I could not leave again, not even if I wanted to. Not even if she ordered me to.

Still, _what if_ Bella didn't want me anymore? What would I do if she ordered me away? Would I do it? Could I do it?

Yesterday, when we'd arrived at her house and her father had demanded I leave she had begged me to stay, the desperation in her voice evident and secretly pleasing me. But she had also been dead on her feet and probably unable to realize what my staying would mean and how that might clash with her new life.

She might feel different once she woke up and was coherent enough to deal with that knowledge.

I pondered on this, my worries consuming me as I held her and when the clock boomed one time, announcing the 1.00 AM mark, Bella started to stir.

She was waking up.

I had no idea what to tell her, nor did I want to frighten her with my presence in her room, but I could not resist the urge to lean in and softly press my lips to her forehead. My lips tingled from the welcoming contact.

"Oh!" Bella gasped, throwing her fists over her eyes. I wondered if my gesture had scared her.

She opened her eyes again, staring at me in silent wonder.

I felt anxious. "Did I frighten you?" I didn't want to scare her because that would certainly get us off on a bad start. We already had enough aftermath to deal with, without me scaring her to death first.

Scaring her to death, bad choice of words.

Bella didn't answer me and continued to stare at me in wonder, until she finally spoke.

Her words were unexpected.

"Oh, _crap" _she croaked, her voice thick with sleep.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

I tried her words, which gave me little clarification;"_Oh Crap?"_

Oh crap, as in; what's he doing here, I want him gone. Or was there another meaning? I definitely struggled with finding another explanation behind the brusque sentiment.

She must want me gone. She must be disappointed and possibly angry that I was here in her room. That I was holding her close instead of keeping an appropriate distance.

I looked at her face, trying to find the answer in her eye but then she frowned, sending me into a frenzy once more. She wanted me gone, it was so obvious.

Now would be a wonderful time to be able to depict her mind.

"I'm dead, right?" She moaned. "I _did drown_. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."

Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.

Her words, yet again not the explanation I expected made me frown, since I had no clue what she was talking about. Clearly she wasn't dead. I wondered if she knew she was alive or if she truly believed she had passed on. If the latter was the case, she must believe she was in heaven.

Such a strange notion.

"You're not dead," I assured her.

Of course, Bella was not convinced.

"Then why am I not waking up?" she challenged, raising her eyebrows.

I was getting more lost by the minute. Was she sick? Her skin felt normal, not exceptionally warm or betraying a fever and an accompanying delirium.

I tried again.

"You _are _awake, Bella."

She shook her head. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. _If _I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…"

She believed she was dreaming, or rather, having a nightmare. This sort of made sense. If she didn't have a fever-induced delirium than perhaps a state of dreaming could explain why she was speaking in such an incoherent manner.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." I smiled grimly.

"But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

Bella grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

She made the division between heaven and hell again. Bella still believed I belonged in heaven because I had a soul. Maybe she was right. Being here with her right now, sure felt like heaven. And the fact she pointed out I was with her did not escape e and gave me a hope I should not cling to.

_She could still send you away_, I warned myself.

I sighed, as Bella looked away towards the window, which I had left open, not wanting to alert Charlie by closing it. It had gotten squeaky again in my absence.

Then she gazed back at me and slowly her cheeks colored crimson in embarrassment.

"Did all of that really happen, then?"

"That depends." I still smiled, not out of joy but because of the twisted irony of it all; Bella believing she was dead or dreaming my presence when it was my presence that had nearly killed her.

"If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange," Bella mused. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

Typical Bella, throwing trivialities at me instead of focusing on the fact she'd nearly gotten killed.

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

She stretched as I spoke; trying to lose some of the stiffness she must feel after sleeping so long.

"Charlie?" she asked.

_Your father hates me and I can't blame him. I just hope you do not share the sentiment. _

I didn't tell her that.

"Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear." I told her, unable to keep the frown off my face

"Charlie banned you from the house?" Bella asked in disbelief which was quickly melting into fury.

I was surprised by her anger over this fact. Charlie's reaction made sense. He had every right to ban me. I didn't even allow myself some happiness at her anger even if it indicated that she didn't agree with her father about banning me from her house. This meant she wanted me here.

I stared at her sadly. "Did you expect anything else?"

Bella didn't answer, but her eyes betrayed she was livid and it took her a few moments to let the anger subside.

"What's the story?" Bella asked. There was a hint of curiosity in her voice, but also something else, something buried very deep. Something that made me wish I could read her mind right now, so I could decipher it.

But no such luck, of course.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days." I thought about it for a moment. There was no story. I hadn't thought of one. I smiled more naturally this time, realizing for once my pre-calculating vampire mind drew a blank. It felt good to feel this...human.

"Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

Bella groaned. "Fabulous."

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I offered, trying to comfort her.

"So," Bella began, hesitantly as if she was afraid to ask whatever was on her mind. I also detected certain eagerness in there too. Whatever she wanted to ask me might have a displeasing answer for her, I realized. Or at least she feared it would. But she did want to ask.

"What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

"Nothing terribly exciting," I admitted warily.

I was not prepared for this. Obviously, we had plenty to talk about and we definitely needed to, but I wasn't ready to share it all and then say goodbye.

_Again._

The longer we kept it friendly and trivial the more time we had together. If she would immediately demand answers to questions that were heavy and emotional, answers I obviously owed her – than she could send me away that much sooner.

"Of course not," she mumbled.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well…" Bella pursed my lips, considering. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" she repeated scornfully.

I waited for her answer.

"Maybe," she said after a second of thought. "If you tell me."

I realized I didn't have a choice. We had to start somewhere and apparently we were going to skip trivialities like the weather or the carrier service on the plane ride home.

"I was… hunting."

"Is that the best you can do?" Bella criticized. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

Should I tell her about Victoria? I didn't want to frighten her by sharing gory details – not that there were any; Victoria had managed to trick me effectively - and telling her about the hell I'd been in for months wasn't fair either because I could not place a possible burden of guilt on Bella like that.

"I wasn't hunting for food… I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it." I admitted hesitantly, careful about phrasing my words.

"What were you tracking?" Bella asked, intrigued.

Of course, _she would_ find this fascinating.

"Nothing of consequence."

"I don't understand."

Of course she didn't understand how could she ever? How could I ever make her understand what these past months had been like? How could I ever make up for putting her in danger like this by allowing Victoria to get close to her? I had failed Bella when I'd left her and even though I had tried to correct my mistake by tracking Victoria, I'd only endangered Bella more.

I owed her much more than simple words and explanations.

"I—" I took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know,"—the words began to flow so fast, because I wanted to get it out, I needed to get it out because I owed Bella so much—"that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria,"—I wanted to hiss as I spoke he name—"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of _werewolves_, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—I shuddered and y words got stuck in my throat for a second. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—"

"Stop," she interrupted my rant.

I stared at her, bewildered, wanting so desperately to explain to her, to make her understand. If she understood than maybe she would not send me away. Maybe she could forgive me.

"Edward," I said. Her voice sounded normal, but I could hear the edge. Whatever she was about to tell me, was something that was going to hurt. Me or her.

Probably both of us.

"This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this _guilt_… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life _is _for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and _not your fault_. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—"

Her voice pitched higher, she was about to break down. She didn't finish whatever she wanted to tell me and took a deep breath to calm herself.

This gave me the opportunity to let her words sink in.

Bella thought I felt guilty. Which I did. Bella thought I had gone to Volterra because I felt guilty about not saving her. Also true. But that's as far as her comprehension of my actions went. She thought I felt obligated to her and responsible for her well being. All her assumptions were correct, but Bella didn't seem to realize that I went to Volterra because I refused to live without her. Not because I felt guilt or responsibility. That would have been a selfless reaction. But I had been selfish as ever. I wasn't going to live without her, but she didn't seem to see it this way, even if it was the only truth. I hadn't gone to Volterra to die a martyr; I had simply gone to die.

I had to make her understand.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered, tying to hold back my anger at the absurdity of Bella's misconception.

"Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty_?"

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand."

She really didn't.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," I said, my voice soft. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death"—I shuddered as I whispered the last word—"even if it _wasn't _my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

The odds were ridiculous. I was the most insufficient being. An immortal who acted on human whimsical, creating chaos and putting Bella in danger. No matter how hard I tried to protect her, even by leaving her, I managed to hurt her anyway. Even from a distance.

"The odds…" I muttered, distracted. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

I'd always found Romeo to be a fool. So callous in his actions when he had believed Juliet had died. His mistakes had ended up killing them both. My mistakes nearly had the same result.

"But I still don't understand," Bella said. "That's my whole point. So what?"

_So what?_ I didn't understand her as much as she didn't understand me, it seemed.

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I _was _dead?"

Slowly her words sunk in.

_That's_ what she meant.

She thought I would not care if she died? Had she forgotten everything I had ever told her. Every declaration of love? Or did I no longer deserve for her to remember and did she know dismiss those words as lies or pretend I had never said them, complying to what I had wanted for her when I had left her in the woods. Forget me and move on.

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember _everything _that you told me." There was that edge again, that tone I could not properly decipher. The emphasis so delicate and deliberate.

Of course she remembered everything. Every word spoken from my lips, all lies. She would remember them. Believe them.

I brushed the tip of my finger against her lower lip. "Bella, you seem to be under a

misapprehension." I closed my eyes, smiling slightly as I momentarily allowed myself to let the way I felt for her wash over me. For so long I had deluded myself, tricked myself with hallucinations which did not do her justice now. Remembering the emptiness I had felt after every hallucination made me intensely sad. And Bella's belief that I didn't care for her added to that feeling of despair even more.

"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am…"

"Confused."

Hearing her choke out that word made me understand why she _didn't._ Why it was so difficult for her to believe me. For a second everything I told her, the way I had made her let me go all those months ago in the woods came back to haunt me. The words echoed in my mind.

_Bella, I don't want you to come with me._

_You… don't… want me?_

_No._

_You're not good for me, Bella_

No wonder she was confused now. She had believed my words as I had intended for her to. And now I was claiming the opposite. I didn't have the right to expect her to believe me.

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

Bella went rigid at my confession, which shocked and worried me. The last thing I wanted was to push her into some sort of catatonia. I shook her shoulder in hopes she would respond but she didn't.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced. "That was… excruciating."

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—"

My act had been so convincing. The darkness that had covered my only light had made me bitter and maybe that had made the lies flow easier, because I resented my nature and the differences between Bella and me so much.

The lies. I had worked so hard for her to believe me. But when she had, it had been my heartbreak as well. My pain reflected in her eyes, even if she believed that I didn't care. My cruelty as a device to let her go. I'd been foolish to believe she'd see through my act and equally hurt that she hadn't, even if I didn't have the right because it had been my own doing.

"You weren't going to let go," I whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd moved _on, so would you."

"A clean break," she whispered through unmoving lips.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."

I knew it was selfish to feel the same hurt as she did. The sting I had inflicted on her may or may not have been worse than the faith she had easily lost in me that day.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly _believed _that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that _I _could exist without needing _you_!"

Bella remained silent, which worried me. If she didn't believe me, I'd never get the chance to make amends.

"Bella," I sighed. "Really, what were you thinking?"

Her response finally came in the form of miserable tears gushing down her pale cheek.

"I knew it," she sobbed. "I _knew _I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," I laughed once—a hard laugh, frustrated. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have _always loved you, and I _will _always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head as the tears continued to fall.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered.

"Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," Bella explained, my voice breaking twice. "I always knew that."

How could I make her see? If my words couldn't, than how was she ever going to be convinced that she was awake and that I loved her more than anything with every fiber of my being for the rest of my existence? That loving her was the only sense I had. That it was I who should be uncertain about her devotion, because I didn't deserve her love the way she would forever have mine.

Words weren't enough anymore. They only did damage by confusing her. If I wanted her to believe me and my ultimate truth, I had to show her.

"I'll prove you're awake," I promised.

I caught Bella's face securely between my hands, ignoring her struggles when she tried to turn her head, thinking she felt embarrassed about me kissing her when her cheeks were stained with salty wetness. Bella would be self-conscious like that.

"Please don't," she whispered.

I stopped my lips just half an inch from hers.

"Why not?" I demanded. How could she not want this? Want me. _Us. _So far her words hadn't been unfavorable to me staying, so why should I not kiss her?

The sting of rejection rippled through me, leaving me to wonder if I was too late after all. If she had moved on.

"When I wake up"—I opened my mouth to protest, so Bella revised before I say a word—"okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

She didn't want me to kiss her because she believed I would leave again. This was plausible enough and thankfully something I could easily refute. Because I was never going to leave her again.

And yet, I had to know how she felt. What if there was someone else. I bit back a growl at the idea of who this someone else could be. I knew she had spent time with Jacob Black. And I knew how he felt about her, having read his mind on the subject during prom.

There was also the issue of the pain I had caused her. I'd demanded she'd move on in the cruelest of ways, so it would be unfair to expect her to forgive and forget.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you _have _moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you."

"Can you?" I whispered.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please."

_Please tell me you still love me._

She stared at me for a long moment, her face betraying anger. She even seemed insulted.

"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Her words were glorious, even if I didn't deserve them. I knew she meant for them to sound harsh, throwing in my face the things I had told her when I'd left her months before. When I'd hoped that my departure would change her feelings for me and make her move on to a safer and happier life. But for me they were an encouragement and permitted me an opening to show Bella I had no plans to leave her again.

"That's all I needed to hear."

And then I kissed her, putting me straight back in heaven.

For months I had seen her warm full lips, moving, beckoning me in my memories, in the hallucinations I had stalked.

Feeling them against mine was the most amazing pleasure I had ever experienced. This kiss wasn't like any of our kisses before. Not like our first kiss; this had been wild on treading territory and not like our last kiss which had been desperate and almost unfulfilling knowing I'd never feel her lips against mine again.

I had always been so controlled with our previous kisses, worried to tempt the monster and awaken the bloodlust.

But the idea of getting overwhelmed by my bloodlust and killing Bella had been extinguished because I'd almost lost her.

I needed to get closer and take more from her. Her lips molded perfectly against mine as I held her close. The fire inside me was burning and melted away all the pain and blazed away the darkness with the brightest of flaming lights.

I pressed down, my cool body against hers, as her heart hammered a beautiful rhythm against my chest. Her fingers explored my face the way mine did hers.

"Bella," I whispered in pure ecstasy, reveling in the words, the meaning. She still wanted to me mine. Her lips told me things her mind couldn't. Her heart beat only for me and her warmth was mine to bask in.

She still loved me.

Finally, when her heart was becoming unsteady I pulled away, only to lay my ear against it to listen to it beating frantically.

"By the way," I said in a casual tone. "I'm not leaving you."

Silence betrayed Bella's skepticism. She didn't believe me.

I lifted my face to lock her gaze in mine. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Not without you," I added more seriously.

No matter what, I had no choice now. Never did I want to go back to feeling the darkness I had felt these past few months. Never did I want to be without Bella again, no matter how selfish it was to stay. I simply could not leave her.

"I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do _something_, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only _you _could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you _can't _be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she whispered.

Her words started to frustrate me, even if she was entitled to doubt my declaration. I had told her I was going to stay but I had made that promise before; she had made me promise to never leave her back in Phoenix, after James had hurt her. I could not blame her for finding my words hard to believe.

But then, how many more convincing did I have to be? Were my kisses not enough? Did my words truly spark that much skepticism in Bella? She had never doubted me before, not even when I had in fact lied to her about my feelings. Why was it so easy for her to believe I was lying now?

"You think I'm lying to you now?" I asked angrily.

"No—not lying." she shook her head, "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched at the idea. If I stayed with her, I would deliberately and willingly put her in danger, whereas if I left her _again_, there was only the possible risk of danger. The two wouldn't easily be reconciled.

The predicament didn't change my mind. I couldn't leave Bella and judging by everything she had been through – all the pain she had experienced – I suspected she couldn't move on without me either. Not to mention the external factors of danger; Victoria and the Volturi. Not only was it impossible for me to leave because I didn't want to be without Bella, I also owed it to her to stay and protect her from those dangers as well.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" Bella guessed. "You'll end up doing what you think is right."

She had a point. I wanted to do what was right. But right and wrong had different meanings; all was not black and white anymore. I was operating in a grey area now; I had to try and do what was right; protecting her from my nature and do what my dead heart told me which was to never let her go. It was going to be difficult and I couldn't b certain I wouldn't mess up again, but I knew that I had to try. I was too weak to stay away and too resolved to leave her unprotected.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," I said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

Remembering the emptiness – the no-man's-land my mind had lingered in - made me even more determined to convince Bella I loved her. Her kiss had betrayed her feelings for me so I was certain she didn't actually want me to go, but I had to try and make her believe how much I loved her. I would do whatever it took. Plead, beg, and grovel. As long as she would not send me away believing that's what _I_ wanted.

Bella grimaced. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," I insisted, glaring now. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I waited to make sure I had captured her full attention, before I started to explain.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled.

But I knew better. I would never get adjusted to the darkness. The emptiness. If she didn't take me back, those feelings would forever blind and haunt me. Until the day she died. And then I'd go straight back to Volterra to die all over again.

"That's just the problem—they can't."

"What about your distractions?"

Her words sounded slightly bitter.

I laughed without a trace of humor. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the… the _agony_. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

Being here with her made me feel hole again. The hollow in my chest which had burned for months and months had been healed by the essence of Bella. It was all I'd ever need to feel complete.

"That's funny," she muttered.

"Funny?" I wondered.

"I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She breathed in deep for emphasis. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I closed my eyes and laid my ear over her heart again, listening to the symphony that was designed for me alone. I'd missed the sound, realizing the dull echo of it had been a weak interpretation in my mind for months.

Bella's cheeks pressed against my hair and the intimacy of the gesture didn't escape me. I knew she was coming around. That I was regaining her faith in me. It would take me days, weeks, months and maybe years for Bella to understand my true feelings for her, but as long as she believed I wanted to stay with her, I'd have the chance to make sure she'd never doubt the intensity of my love again. To make her feel it. I'd spend forever making her feel loved.

Well, as long as she was alive.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" she asked, curious again.

"No." I sighed. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really she came here." I groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—"

"You were hunting _Victoria_?" Bella half-shrieked, her voice shooting through two octaves.

Charlie's distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.

"Not well," I answered, studying her outraged expression with a confused look. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

I was going to find her. Alice's visions had shown that she was in the area and I would not allow her to come near Bella and do any kind of damage. She would be killed. Bella wouldn't have to worry about this. I would not fail her again.

"That is… out of the question," Bella managed to choke out.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"

Bella interrupted me trying to sound calm. "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?"

"That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I hated how she still had doubts about my promise that a hint of skepticism remained. I supposed I earned her distrust, even if it pained me to hear it over and over. Also, she had to understand I would not leave but also not willingly put her in danger; I was in that grey area now where I had to try and reconcile the two. Protect her and stay with her.

I frowned. A snarl began to build in my chest, at the thought of Victoria being out there on the loose. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria"—the snarl became more pronounced—"is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," Bella said, I could tell she was trying to hide her panic. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

Right, _"Jake's pack"_ Jacob Black was a werewolf. I didn't precisely know the timeline of his descending nor how long Bella had been spending time with him, knowing he was a werewolf thus a possible loose cannon in terms of behavior – they were unpredictable and volatile creatures, not very capable in controlling their physical reactions. I did however know there was no way he was going to solve this mess. In fact, it would be better if he stayed away from Bella all together. He may even be a bigger threat to Bella than Victoria and the Volturi because he appeared to be a friend, which meant she felt comfortable around him and may not see it coming when he would – perhaps accidentally – lash out because he was unable to control himself.

I narrowed my eyes as I nodded, agreeing with her. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

Bella snorted. "I wasn't talking about _Jacob_. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I wanted to respond to her dismissal and argue with her that she should not be around him, because he was dangerous to her. And while that was a legitimate worry it was also a hypocritical argument, because factually I was just as dangerous to her as he was.

And if I was honest with myself, it was certainly not my only motivation for wanting to keep Bella away from this Jacob. And that argument would be one she'd see right through, perceptive as she was.

I could not even convince myself I was only worried about him being a werewolf and not the fact he was also a friend of hers – one who harbored romantic feelings towards her.

If he had felt that way so many months ago when they weren't all that close, I could only imagine how he'd feel now, after months of spending so much time with her. Bella was amazing and I was certain Jacob Black had not failed to notice. And he must mean something to her as well because she spoke of him with a fondness that betrayed she cared about him.

I doubted Bella would tolerate my jealousy and right now I was in no mood to argue about it. I'd have to push those feelings away and think rationally. And rationally Jacob Black was a werewolf and had the tendency to be prone to juvenile and unpredictable behavior. This would have to be reason enough for her to stop seeing him.

But that was a conversation for a later time.

Instead I focused on what she had said. She had bigger problems than Jacob Black. Bigger problems than Victoria?

What could that possibly be?

My teeth clicked together, and I spoke through them, trying to compose myself from the resentment I felt against the boy. Jealousy was such an ugly human trade.

I experienced it far too often.

"Really?" I asked. "Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she hedged.

"All right," I agreed, suspicious.

What could possibly worry her more than Victoria who was close enough to be a threat, crazy enough to be determined to follow through and cunning enough to surprise us in an attack.

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she reminded me in a subdued whisper.

Right, the Volturi. They would eventually check up on her. But I didn't see them as a bigger threat than Victoria. Alice would see them coming, which would make it easier to anticipate their visit and be prepared for it.

I sighed. "The Volturi are only the _second _greatest?"

That made me wonder what could possibly worry her more than Victoria and the Volturi.

"You don't seem that upset about it," she noted.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again," I added lightly.

Horror became evident on her face and I chided myself for scaring her. I could see fresh tears forming in her eyes and I hated myself for making her cry. I shouldn't have explained myself like that. I should have told her I'd protect her, that there would be no way they'd ever come close.

"You don't have to be afraid," I said, anxious as I watched the tears dew up again on the rims of her eyes. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here."

I took her face between my hands again, holding it tightly.

"I will never leave you again." I vowed strongly.

"But you said _thirty_," she whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

Alice's promise to the Volturi; her vision that had manipulated them, it would not come to pass. I would not allow it. Staying with Bella was selfish and I'd been selfish since I'd met her. I could not change this particular decision because I wasn't strong enough to leave again, but I would never take it as far as to do the most selfish thing of all: condemn her to an eternal life.

"Is this really…" Bella started, looking anguished.

It made me wonder what she was truly thinking and what the meaning behind her words was, but as ever the silence spoke volumes. Surely she understood why I wanted her to be human, why I couldn't allow her to become an immortal. Did she not understand how precious her soul was to me, how I'd give anything to protect her from losing it? How could she think I'd want to make her suffer through the process of change, which was excruciating? How could she believe I'd want to sentence her to a life as a vampire when I'd be robbing her of every human experience she could have. I was already making her give up enough by remaining in her life. I had to take some responsibility.

But Bella didn't seem to understand and the question she wanted to ask me lingered in the air between us.

"Yes?" I asked, encouraging her to ask.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your _grandmother_?"

Her question surprised me_. Vanities?_ Was that what concerned her? That I would not love her if she looked older or – in her eyes less attractive? _Silly Bella_. It wasn't about the way she looked to me, even though she was beyond breathtaking and I was convinced she would always be. It was her heart and soul I craved, and those things were timeless.

I brushed the tears from her cheek with my lips as I spoke. "That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world."

Of course…" I hesitated, flinching slightly. "If you outgrew _me_—if you wanted something more—I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

I meant the words. I wouldn't stand in her way if she wanted something else. If someone else would make her happy, if she wanted other things from life, things I could not offer her, than I would let her go, even if it killed me.

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" she demanded.

Of course I did. But seeing as maybe there was an afterlife after all, even for me, there would be no way I would live on without her. If she would die, I would too. In every way. And if there was a heaven and I was granted passage, than we'd be together in an afterlife as well.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can."

"That is seriously…"

"Sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left—"

"Let's just back up for a minute," she said angrily.

The hissing soft kitten was back. Harmless but endearing in the way she thought he could be dangerous. Kind of infuriating. She was so stubborn. Always challenging me. It was glorious to have these arguments with her. To feel this alive with her. To have the possibility.

"You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm _thirty"_—she hissed the word—"do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I answered slowly, shaking my head. "They won't forget. But…"

"But?"

I grinned while she stared at me warily.

"I have a few plans."

And I did. I had spent the time on the plane, thinking of ways to keep the Volturi in the dark. Alice's gift always provided us with the luxury of being one step ahead. And I would have to talk to Carlisle to understand their customs better and create even more ways to keep the Volturi away from Bella.

"And these plans," Bella said, her voice getting more acidic with each word. "These plans all center around me staying _human_."

Her attitude was irritating. She was darn callous about her own life. Did she not understand it was impossible for me to make her immortal? That I was already risking to much by staying? Why was she so keen on becoming immortal, why was the idea of living forever even the slightest bit enticing to her? Had she not criticized Gianna for wanting to be a vampire, knowing what the Volturi did in their chambers? I'd hoped that would have put her off the possibility for good. Apparently this was not the case.

"Naturally."

We glowered at each other for a long minute. I wanted so badly to get one glimpse into her mind. The silence was penetrating and uncomfortable.

Then Bella took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and pushed my arms away so that she could sit up.

The motion made me feel rejected and I worried she was fed up and wanted me to leave her after all. Could it be she only wanted me around to become an immortal because the idea was exciting and romantic? Surely it must be empowering to a human. Or was she simply angry for not winning the argument?

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked.

I wanted her to say no.

"No," she told me. "_I'm _leaving."

I watched her, uncertain of where she was going as she climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in the dark room, looking for her shoes.

"May I ask where you are going?" I asked.

"I'm going to your house," she said, still feeling around blindly.

I got up, easily spotting her shoes in the darkness and handed them to her. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to _get _there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie," I offered as a deterrent.

Bella sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I suggested, knowing she wouldn't listen.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," I encouraged teasingly.

She moved to her door but I stepped in, blocking her way.

She frowned, and turned for the window.

I frowned too, not wanting her to become reckless - and Bella was prone to doing exactly that – giving in. I was still not sure what she wanted to do at my house. I was worried she was going to try and convince Alice to change her, because my sister had promised her that. If that was the case, maybe I could prevent it from happening if I was there to talk sense into both of them. Maybe Carlisle could help too. He was a reasonable man; surely he'd be able to explain to Bella how dangerous her request was.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll give you a ride."

She shrugged. "Either way. But you probably _should _be there, too."

"And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My views on which subject?" I asked through my teeth.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know."

"If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?" I asked, each word distinct, realizing what she was going to do.

This was all about her wanting to become a vampire.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

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**A/N: We're reaching the end. One chapter and the epilogue.**

**I want to thank everyone who had enjoyed Edward's POV and left me wonderful reviews. I realize there is no real plot, which makes it difficult to write in an exciting way but Edward's "voice" to me is probably more fascinating than Bella's or – Jacob's (SM's biggest fail, to give Jacob a part of her books, like the middle part of Breaking Dawn)**

**If you enjoy a story that's a lot rougher around the edges and completely different from Twilight, check my new story "Bring on The Wonder" The prologue is up and the first chapter will be posted soon. Bella is a prostitute and Edward's waiting to be ordained as a priest. It's rated M for a reason.**

**If you enjoy Vampward and HumanBella ala Twilight but with a lot of mystery and a Bella and Edward who at least recognize their flaws on occasion, maybe you'll like "Eternally Intertwined."**

**If you want Edward's POV of Eclipse, give me some time. I will do it, but it might take awhile.**

**Follow me on twitter if you enjoy random tweeting and want to stay in the loop of when I update. Twitter(dot)com(slash)bronzehyperion**

**Enough self-pimping; enjoy your Sunday! **


	24. Vote

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, dialogues, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**CHAPTER 19: ****VOTE**

_"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."_

For a second I was stunned. It was typically Bella to want to use her mortality as something to vote on. As if it was that simple. All in favour would decide if she would be damned to an eternal life.

But it wasn't _that_ simple. Even if my family would support the idea, it would be wrong to follow through. Bella shouldn't become an immortal and I'd do whatever it would take to make sure she'd stay human.

After the shock had worn off, I felt myself starting to boil with anger, which I had to push down because I knew I didn't have much of a choice at the moment. I'd either give Bella a ride myself or let her risk getting into further trouble with Charlie.

She was going to my house regardless, because that was Bella. Once she'd set her mind on something, there was no way to get her to change it.

So I didn't have much of a choice. Accompanying Bella to my house was my only chance to try and have some control over the situation.

Therefore I decided not to argue with Bella and took her in my arms instead, springing from her window with ease, landing without the slightest jolt.

"All right then," I said, my voice seething with disapproval. "Up you go."

I helped her onto my back, locking her legs securely around my waist before I took off running.

The night was quiet and the air damp. Bella's chin rested on my shoulder with her cheek pressed against my neck. Her warm breath made my neck tingle. It felt heavenly. The contact left little electrifying sparks, causing a small stir inside me, filling me with longing.

It clouded my anger and disapproval of her demand. I wanted her, always. There was no question. But to risk her soul – her beautiful soul, that was inexcusable. I wished for Bella to realize this, but she was so stubborn.

It was difficult for me to grasp why she was so keen on becoming an immortal. I had always struggled with her motivation. Was it because she loved me and wanted to be with me forever, like I wanted her? Or did she long for the kick of becoming an immortal?

Her eagerness was slightly disturbing. I didn't want to doubt her reasons. I knew she loved me. And because she loved me, I should be amazed she wanted to be with me forever and sacrificed so many things for it. But I imagined the attraction an immortal life could have to humans. Maybe Bella was attracted to the thrilled of it as much as she was attracted to me.

As I ran, Bella turned her face toward me, pressing her lips to the cool skin of my neck.

It felt good to have her this close. It melted away the rest of my anger, leaving behind a feeling of helplessness. What if my family would vote in favor of her request? Would that automatically mean I had no more say in the decision? And was it my place to have a say in the first place? I wanted to protect Bella but if she would remain stubborn and my family would support her choice, what could I do?

I tried to shake the feeling and focused on how Bella was wrapped around me, her lips lingering on my neck.

"Thank you," I said, as the trees raced past us. "Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

Bella laughed. The sound was natural and effortless. It sounded _right_. It made me feel warm inside because she sounded genuinely happy. And that's all I wanted for her to be.

Happy.

How could she be happy if she wanted to be damned to an eternal life without fully realizing what the consequences of it were?

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

Her words hurt even if she was smiling. It proved she still believed this was a dream. And if she doubted her lucidness, she also doubted my presence. Doubting my presence meant she doubted me. She still didn't trust me.

"I'll earn your trust back somehow," I murmured, mostly to myself. "If it's my final act."

"I trust _you_," she assured me. "It's me I don't trust."

Her words puzzled me. _What_ did that mean?

"Explain that, please."

I'd slowed to a walk because we weren't far from the house.

"Well—" Bella hesitated "I don't trust myself to be… enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold_you."

Nothing about her that could hold me? How could Bella believe _that?_ Did she still believe my words of goodbye? Did she think she wasn't good enough? It puzzled me. She was everything I wanted.

I stopped instantly and reached around to pull Bella from my back. After I'd set her on her feet, I wrapped my arms around her tightly, hugging her close to me.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," I whispered. "Never doubt that."

Declaring my love to her was all I could do. Maybe it would be enough for her to change her mind.

Though probably not.

"You never did tell me…" I murmured.

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess." she sighed, reaching up to touch the tip of my nose with her index finger.

_Of course._ _I _was her biggest problem. In a way I was glad she realized this now. And it made sense she had trouble trusting me. It hurt, but it wasn't like I didn't deserve it.

I nodded. "I'm worse than the Volturi," I agreed grimly. "I guess I've earned that."

Bella rolled her eyes. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."

I waited for her to explain that statement.

"You can leave me," she explained. "The Volturi, Victoria… they're nothing compared to that."

Her words were painful, twisting my face into a mask of hurt. It brought back memories of the months we'd been separated.

"Don't," Bella whispered, touching my face. "Don't be sad."

I tried to smile for her, but it didn't feel very genuine. "If there was only some way to make you see that I _can't_leave you," I whispered. "Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

"Okay," Bella agreed.

I still felt tormented, knowing that Bella still feared I would leave her and that my attempts to convince her I wouldn't were feeble.

"So—since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?" Bella asked, seemingly trying to lighten the mood.

I knew she was trying to distract me and I had to admit it worked – albeit little. I had to laugh at her request.

"Your things were never gone," I told her. "I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets—they're all under your floorboards."

Bella's eyes went wide with surprise, a smile ghosting her lips.

_"Really?"_

I nodded, feeling more cheerful at her genuine enthusiasm.

"I think," she said slowly, "I'm not sure, but I wonder… I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?"

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

_Voices?_ She'd heard voices? It paralleled the visions of her that had plagued me for months.

I remembered the after pain after every vision I hadn't been able to hold onto. I wondered if she had felt the same.

"Voices?" I asked flatly.

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story."

I was curious but I didn't want to pry. It seemed like a delicate subject, because Bella's cheeks were flushed with slight embarrassment. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

"I've got time." I said evenly.

"It's pretty pathetic."

I doubted that. I had secluded myself from my family as I'd stalked the visions of her, forcing my mind to snap so I could keep her.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

Yes, I remembered very well. Bella had risked her life by acting up and doing extreme things. I had no idea if this was her usual flaw in lacking self preservation or if she had adapted to a new lifestyle Alice's visions hadn't made me aware of.

Or maybe she had been as desperate as I, longing for some kind of distraction from the agony.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun," I stated wryly

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle—"

_With the motorcycle_? Was she about to tell me she had joined a gang – okay that seemed unlikely, though with Bella you never knew.

But riding a motor cycle? Bella, who was prone to danger, had willingly looked for it? Maybe her mind had snapped as much as mine. After all, I too had searched for a thrill; the thrill of killing Victoria.

"Motorcycle?" I asked.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No."

"Well, about that… See, I found that… when I was doing something dangerous or stupid… I could remember you more clearly," she confessed.

"I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much—it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."

"And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all. I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

Had she been insane? Risking her life to be close to me. The exact thing I had told her not to do. The thing I had wanted to prevent by leaving. There was only a small part of me that felt loved by the way she had tried to hold onto me. For the most part my mind tried process what Bella told me without jumping to conclusions. But it was difficult; Bella could have gotten herself killed. In fact she almost had…

."You… were… risking your life… to hear—"

"Shh," she interrupted me. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."

She was having an epiphany now? I was hoping it had something to do with how risking her life had been a really bad idea. Better late than never.

"Oh!"

"Bella?"

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I asked my voice uneven and strained.

"You love me," she marveled.

Okay, not the epiphany I expected her to have.

And while it still bothered me immensely that she would go to such great risks to conjure me up in her mind or feel close to me, I was happy she finally seemed to realize I loved her.

"Truly, I do," I vowed.

I took her face tightly between my cool hands and kissed her. This kiss was different than the kiss in her bedroom. The hurt was gone, replaced by the desire to be close to her. Her warm lips melted against mine; erasing all the pain we had both suffered through.

I pulled away when I heard her heartbeat falter and her breathing became unsteady. I leaned my forehead against hers, breathing a little more heavy myself.

"You were better at it than I was, you know," I confessed to her.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, and followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn't be around my family—I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me." I grinned, sheepish. "It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."

"I only heard one voice," she corrected me.

I laughed and then pulled her tight against my right side and started to lead Bella forward.

"I'm just humoring you with this." I motioned with my hand toward the darkness in front of us as we walked.

"It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say," I told her

"This affects them now, too," she countered.

I shrugged indifferently.

I led her through the open front door into the house and flipped the lights on as we went.

I called out the names of my family with little volume.

"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" They would hear.

Carlisle came up from behind us, his thoughts pleased at the sight of Bella.

"Welcome back, Bella." He smiled. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

Bella nodded. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

Bella gave me a glance as she spoke. I tried to keep myself composed. I knew what she wanted and obviously I didn't agree but I was hoping my family would support me in the matter.

Carlisle followed Bella's gaze, his thoughts alerting me.

_She's here to negotiate a deal? I am guessing this has something to do with the vision Alice showed Aro and their demand for Bella to become an immortal? Alice promised to change her._

I wasn't surprised Carlisle knew why Bella was here and that he'd heard about Alice's promise. Clearly Alice had told him.

"Of course," Carlisle said. "Why don't we talk in the other room?"

Carlisle led the way through the living room, around the corner to the dining room, turning on lights as he went.

We didn't use the dining room often and I realized Bella had only seen it in passing, but that we'd never spend actual time in there.

Carlisle held out a chair for Bella at the head of the table.

As Bella sat down, the rest of the family filed in. Carlisle sat down on her right, while I took place on her left

Everyone else took their seats in silence. Alice was grinning at Bella, already in on the plot. Emmett and Jasper looked curious, and Rosalie smiled at Bella tentatively.

Rosalie seemed to have warmed to Bella now that she had risked her life to save me. But the connection was fragile.

Carlisle nodded toward Bella. "The floor is yours."

I could sense Bella was nervous under the watchful and curious eyes of my family, so I took her hand under the table, rubbing small circles on the back with my thumb.

She peeked at me from the corner from her eye, but I was focused on my family.

Their thoughts were mostly curious but they each had their own opinion on Bella's upcoming request. Alice was mentally bouncing.

_Bella is going to be my sister!_

Jasper was worried about me. _You don't want this, do you?_

I didn't respond because I knew he could sense how I felt. Anxious, bordering on angry. Of course I didn't want this.

Though perhaps that was a lie. I_did_ want this. I wanted to be with Bella forever. But to take her life so I could keep her; that was wrong. I refused to risk her soul. I was already selfish in so many aspects of my existence; this was the one thing I needed to be selfless in.

Emmett was amused and Rosalie surprisingly neutral.

Esme was thrilled to be home again and beamed at the sight of seeing Bella and I reunited. She shared Alice's joy and felt happy at the idea of gaining a daughter.

The only one who seemed lost in his thoughts was Carlisle. Only he knew the true implications of what Bella was about to ask.

"Well," Bella paused. "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything," Alice assured her. She seemed a bit smug.

Bella threw her a meaningful look. "And on the way?"

"That, too," she nodded.

"Good," she sighed with relief. "Then we're all on the same page."

Everyone waited for Bella to speak.

"So, I have a problem," she began. "Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing—something to avoid.

"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that."

She looked at each and every one of us, facing me last. I could not give her a smile for I didn't agree with what she wanted.

"But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

Esme wanted to respond to that, but Bella held up a finger to stop her.

"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then… I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have _them_coming _here_."

I could not hold back the rumble in my chest as she suggested going back to Volterra alone. Bella was so darn callous when it came to protecting herself. Going to face the Volturi alone was beyond ridiculous.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."

Bella gave us a timid half smile and beckoned Carlisle to begin.

But before he could I stopped him. I had to provide my family with an alternative. It was wrong for them to follow Bella's lead and assume that the Volturi would be enough of a threat for it to become an issue of emergency.

"Just a minute," I interrupted.

Bella not having anticipated my interruption, glared at me. I raised my eyebrows at her, squeezing her hand in the process. If she was so determined to have her say, she should expect me to do the same.

"I have something to add before we vote."

Bella sighed.

"About the danger Bella's referring to," I continued. "I don't think we need to be overly anxious."

I gave them an animated look. This was going to much easier than Bella and Alice believed. They saw dangers because they weren't fully informed. But my gift had given me a bit more insight to the ways the Volturi and their guard operated. And as it turned out, their defenses were surprisingly easy to circumvent.

I placed my free hand on the table and leaned forward.

"You see," I explained, looking around the table while I spoke, "there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to cine them in." I grinned.

"Which was?" Alice prodded. She gave me a skeptic glance and Bella mirrored the same look.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I glanced down at Bella.

Bella shuddered in response, which I took as a yes.

"He finds people—that's his talent, why they keep him."

"Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker—a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the… flavor? I don't know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances."

"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" I shrugged.

"You think he won't be able to find me," Bella said flatly.

I was smug and justifiably so. "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless," I said, enjoying the moment. "It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"

Emmett and I exchanged a glance and a smirk.

_Nice one, bro_ he silently complimented me.

Bella – clearly - seemed displeased. . "But they can find you," she reminded me

"And I can take care of myself."

Emmett laughed, and reached across the table toward me extending a fist.

"Excellent plan, my brother," he said with enthusiasm.

I stretched out his arm to smack Emmett's fist with my own. I felt triumphant at the idea of having provided them with an alternative. Surely mine would make most sense. It was much less radical.

"No," Rosalie hissed.

"Absolutely not," Bella agreed.

"Nice." Jasper's voice was appreciative.

"Idiots," Alice muttered.

Esme just glared at me.

_You can't travel around the world with Bella every time the Volturi look for her. They won't give up. And you know what Alice's vision will bring. Why would you fight it, when you love Bella so much? You should be happy she is willing to do this._

I was riding on too much of a high to let her words affect me.

Bella straightened up in her chair, reminding me this was her meeting.

"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," she said coolly.

"Let's vote."

Bella looked at me, giving me the chance to vote first. Not because she valued my opinion the most – I was certain she didn't want my opinion on this matter at all.

"Do you want me to join your family?"

The question was simple and I wanted nothing more but to say yes. But this wasn't the right way. She shouldn't have to trade in her life to stay with me forever. Fearing the Volturi – which was unnecessary - shouldn't affect the decision.

"Not that way. You're staying human." I said wryly.

Bella nodded once, keeping her face businesslike, and then moved on.

"Alice?"

"Yes."

"Jasper?"

"Yes," he said, voice grave. I was a little surprised—as was Bella, it seemed.

I hadn't expected Jasper to want Bella to become a vampire. But I understood his reason for voting in favor.

_It would be nice to feel a bit more normal around. To not have the desire to kill her._

"Rosalie?" Bella asked.

I knew Rosalie would vote against. I was, however impressed with her reason behind it though. It had nothing to do with vanities or jealousy. Rosalie didn't want Bella to give up her human life because Rosalie had never had the chance to make the decision herself.

"No."

"Let me explain," she pleaded, before Bella could move on. . "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

Bella nodded slowly, and then turned to Emmett.

"Hell, yes!" He grinned. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."

_Idiot_. Of course he would find a fight more important than Bella's life. I hadn't expected him to vote no, but it still irritated me that he was so eager for a fight. I was certain Bella was flattered Emmett wanted her as a sister.

Bella had already moved on, waiting for Esme's answer. This one was easy to guess.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."

"Thank you, Esme," Bella murmured as she turned toward Carlisle.

Ignoring Esme's inner bliss at the prospect of gaining Bella as a daughter, I turned to Carlisle. Maybe I had been naïve in thinking that he would vote no. I knew his thoughts would count very heavy. He was the patriarch of the family. If he said no, than Bella would back down.

I had one second of hope, until his thoughts gave away that _he too_ was not on my side.

_I am sorry, son. You want to be with her, which I respect and encourage. But this can't be reconciled when she is human. It's too dangerous._

"Edward," he said.

"No," I growled, letting a hiss escape.

How could he fail me like this? He who knew what kind of sacrifice this was. How could he want to inflict this kind of agony on Bella and convict her to immortality?

"It's the only way that makes sense," Carlisle insisted. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

I needed to get out of there, before my anger would get the best of me.

I dropped Bella's hand, pushed away from the table, repressing snarls as I stalked out of the room.

"I guess you know my vote." Carlisle sighed.

"Thanks," I could hear Bella mumble.

Pacing in the living room, I tried to calm down, - which seemed impossible, - leaving Bella and my family behind to celebrate what was a ridiculous victory.

I could still hear them in the dining room.

"That's all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you, too."

"Dearest Bella," Esme murmured.

Their sincere happiness made my anger spin out of control. Desperate for an outlet, I ripped into halves a sixty inch plasma TV that we had shipped from Korea – Carlisle had it delivered to their house in Ithaca and they had taken it here. Emmett had insisted on it because it had yet to become available in the United States.

Emmett would be pissed now. Served him right for voting against me.

"Well, Alice," I heard Bella say…

"Where do you want to do this?"

Springing into action, I bounded back into the dining room, furious at the idea of Bella being changed right away.

"No! No! NO!" I roared, charging back into the room.

I bended over Bella, my voice raging.

"Are you insane?" I shouted. "Have you utterly lost your mind?"

Bella cringed away, hands over her ears. I felt a twinge of guilt as I say her fright but I had to get through to her somehow.

_Easy, Edward_, Esme commanded. _You are scaring her_.

"Um, Bella," Alice interjected in an anxious voice. "I don't think I'm _ready_for that. I'll need to prepare…"

_I could kill her. I don't know if I have enough control._

"You promised," Bella reminded her, glaring.

"I know, but… Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to _not_kill you."

"You can do it," she encouraged. "I trust you."

I snarled in fury.

Alice shook her head quickly, looking panicked.

"Carlisle?" Bella turned to look at him.

Before Carlisle could respond – I already knew his answer – I grabbed Bella's face, forcing her to look at me. She had to know how wrong this was, even if I had to make her understand with force. I would never hurt her, but I was lost for how to break through her stubborn nature. It was like she didn't grasp the severity of what she was asking. And to put that kind of responsibility on Alice, who could kill her, meant she didn't have an inkling of an idea of what she was getting herself into.

Carlisle ignored me. "I'm able to do it," he answered Bella's question.

"You would be in no danger of me losing control."

"Sounds good." Bella's words sounded like a mumble because I was still holding her face.

Desperately racking my brain, I tried to find a way to postpone this, if I couldn't erase the possibility all together.

Then it hit me.

_Charlie._

How would he feel if the daughter he assumed had disappeared just a day ago would disappear forever? He would undoubtedly start looking for her straight away. The only reason he hadn't done so in the past few days was because he'd been preoccupied with harry Clearwater's funeral. By the time he'd heard from Jacob Black, we had practically been on our way back.

I knew that Bella – stubborn and determined as she was, would not be able to argue that. It would buy me some time.

"Hold on," I said between my teeth. "It doesn't have to be now."

"There's no reason for it not to be now," Bella said.

She didn't understand the full impact of the decision for both her and her family which meant she hadn't thought this through at all.

"I can think of a few."

"Of course you can," she said sourly. "Now let go of me," she demanded icily.

I freed her face and folded my hands across my chest in defense.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

Involving the police would risk exposure. I was certain Carlisle wouldn't allow that.

"All three of them," Bella mocked but her frown gave away her comprehension at the instant ramifications of her disappearance.

"In the interest of remaining _inconspicuous_," I said, looking at Carlisle now, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house."

"That's a reasonable request, Bella," Carlisle pointed out.

I was almost happy he understood and agreed with my point of view.

Bella seemed lost in thought for a moment, until she pursed her lips in defeat.

"I'll consider it."

I instantly relaxed. I had bought some time. Maybe I needed to show Bella the consequences of becoming an immortal – she seemed more fascinated with the way my family lived, than frightened. Perhaps I should take her with me when I hunted. That might scare her enough to rethink her desire for eternal life.

"I should probably take you home," I said, feeling more calm knowing she was human for now.

"Just in case Charlie wakes up early."

Bella looked at Carlisle. "After graduation?"

"You have my word."

She took a deep breath and smiled. She turned back to me and said: "Okay. You can take me home."

I rushed her out of the house before Carlisle could change his mind.

It was a quiet trip home. Bella and I didn't speak. We were both lost in thought.

When we got to her house, I didn't pause. I dashed up the wall and through Bella's window. Then I pulled her arms from around my neck and set her on the bed.

I paced back and forth thinking of something to secure a way for Bella to remain human. Or, if there truly was no way to change the future, to buy me more time.

I needed a trade, something to negotiate my position. Something that would make Bella more willing to buy me more time.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work," Bella told me.

"Shh. I'm thinking."

"Ugh," she groaned, throwing herself back on the bed, pulling the quilt over her head.

Seeing her covered up like that and huddled away was unacceptable. Plus, I wanted to show my affection after being so forceful at the house.

I lay down beside her, flipping the cover back. I brushed some stray hairs from her cheek.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now… tell me something."

"What?" Bella asked, unwilling.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

"You." Bella said skeptically.

I shook my head impatiently. "Something you don't already have."

I had a pretty good idea of what Bella wanted. I sensed that it bothered her that I didn't want her to become a vampire. _She wanted me_ to want her to become a vampire.

"I would want… Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want _you_to change me."

I figured as much. She wanted my approval. And the one way she would be certain, was if I changed her myself.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?"

"Anything."

I smiled faintly, and then pursed my lips. "Five years?"

Bella looked chagrined. Clearly she wasn't going to give me more time.

"You said anything," I reminded her, knowing she would protest anyway.

"Yes, but… you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human—for me, at least. So, anything but _that_."

I frowned. "Three years?"

"No!"

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?"

"Six months?" She offered.

I rolled my eyes. "Not good enough."

"One year, then," she said. "That's my limit."

"At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere _near_twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

It wasn't that she was unreasonable. Yes, wanting to become immortal and trade in her soul was something I could not comprehend but I knew the age difference bothered her. Self-conscious as she was, it would make her feel uncomfortable. I supposed that from Bella's clouded human point of view her desire to become a vampire made sense.

I thought for a minute. The age difference would be an issue, so time was out the window. If a year was all she'd give me than I might as well let Carlisle change her after graduation. It didn't matter much if it as a year or a small month.

There had to be something, something that would put her off, even if it was only a few years.

If she wanted me to change her than I needed her to make a commitment to me.

And what better and more effective than the one thing that would bind us as eternally as immortality would.

_Marriage._

If Bella wanted to be with me forever, I wanted the ultimate declaration of love and unity from her.

"All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one—then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition?" her voice went flat. "What condition?"

My eyes were cautious—I spoke slowly. "Marry me first."

Bella just stared at me, waiting. "Okay, what's the punch line?"

I sighed. "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."'

"Edward, please be serious."

"I am one hundred percent serious." I gazed at her to gauge her reaction.

"Oh, c'mon," she said, an edge of hysteria in her voice. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

Bella looked away, out the dark window. I knew she was trying to control her emotions. Maybe what I was doing – suggesting marriage - was wrong. I knew she was against it, due to what had happened with her parents. But that was my testing ground. If marriage was too much for her, if she didn't want to commit to me that way, than becoming an immortal and be my mate forever seemed absurd. I knew it wasn't the commitment she feared – she had proved that she was willing to do anything for me by saving my life in Volterra and risking her life by staying with me regardless of my killing nature – but it showed she had no comprehension of what she was getting herself into.

Marriage was a big step. Immortality was much _much_ bigger.

"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

"Interesting choice of words."

"You know what I mean."

I inhaled deeply. "Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment."

My voice was disbelieving and Bella knew that.

"That's not it exactly," she hedged. "I'm… afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

Bella and her priorities. She was afraid of what her mother would say; yet suffering through days of pain from transforming into a vampire was a piece of cake in her eyes. She'd rather give up her human life than to face her mother's possible disapproval.

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than _get_married." I laughed darkly.

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" I shook my head. "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then—"

"Well," she interrupted. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

I smiled. "Sure," I said, calling her bluff. "I'll get my car."

"Dammit," she muttered. "I'll give you eighteen months."

"No deal," I said, grinning. "I like _this_condition."

And I did. It started out as a plea bargain of sorts, but the more I thought of it, the more it made sense. I wanted to spend the rest of_her_ life with Bella, so marrying her would be wonderful. I wanted us to be tied in every human way. The couples in my family had all celebrated their union in various ways, including marriage and I wanted the same.

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

"If that's what you really want." I shrugged, smiling lightly at her.

"You're impossible," she groaned. "A monster."

I chuckled. "Is that why you won't marry me?"

Bella groaned again.

I leaned toward Bella; staring straight into her eyes – and getting lost in the sensation. It was all so clear to me. I wanted this; I wanted Bella to be my wife. I wanted her to say yes.

_Please_, Bella?" I breathed.

Bella stared at me for a few moments, before shaking her head.

"Would this have gone better if I d had time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" she very nearly snouted.

_Bella?_ The thoughts belonged to Charlie who had woken at her loud cry.

His thoughts seemed worried. He was afraid she was having another nightmare.'

His mind flashed to the months when we'd apart. How he had woken up every night from her screams.

I had a lot of damage control to do. I'd sing to her every night; hold her close to erase all her nightmares.

"Now you've done it," I whispered.

"Oops."

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave," I said with resignation.

Bella looked at me in shock and I realized she was scared I would leave her again.

"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?" I offered.

"No," she whispered eagerly. "Stay. Please."

I smiled and disappeared just before the door opened

"Morning, Dad." I heard her say as I bend myself into the small space.

"Oh, hey, Bella." He sounded embarrassed at getting caught. "I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower," she told him as I heard her muscles flex as she was sitting up.

"Hold on," Charlie said. "Let's talk for a minute first."

He had a lot of questions. _She is going to tell me where she has been. And then I am going to ground her for the rest of her life._

"You know you're in trouble."

"Yeah, I know."

"I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's _funeral_, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when—or if—you were coming back. Do you have any idea how… how…?"

"Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"

_She'll be better off with her mother. Less ways to get into trouble. No boyfriend to put her through hell._

The irony of his choice of words was not lost on me.

"Because I won't go."

Stubborn Bella.

"Now just one minute, young lady—"

"Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too—but that won't make me to go to Florida."

"Would you like to explain where you've been?"

_This better be good._

"There was… an emergency."

_Emergency? Is she joshing me? Did Edward set this up? I bet he did. He is wrong for her. I don't trust him._

No kidding. The way he had technically banned me from his house made that very clear.

I needed to do a lot of groveling with Chief Swan before he would be able suppress the urge to shoot me. Not that it would help him much, but the intent was clear.

"I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…"

Hmm, she was really telling him that?

_Jumping off a cliff, Bella? Did she want to kill herself? Damn, maybe she needs counseling._

"I guess I didn't tell you about that," Bella choked out. "It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidentally made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to… L.A., to explain in person."

Los Angeles. Not a bad choice for a location. But Charlie was sputtering in his mind, trying to comprehend what she was telling him. His conclusions were jumbled and angry.

_I knew it. She was suicidal. His absence brought her to a breaking point. I should have kept a better eye on her. This wouldn't have happened otherwise._

"_Were_you trying to kill yourself, Bella?"

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."

Charlie seemed relieved.

_I better talk to Billy about the cliff jumping; I don't want to dredge up a bunch of bodies._

"What's it to Edward Cullen anyway?" he barked.

"All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word—"

Bella interrupted him. "Another misunderstanding."

_Leaving Bella was a misunderstanding. That boy has a weird way of dealing. I can't believe Bella is falling for that crap._

"So is he back then?" Charlie sounded angry and his mind was displeased.

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I _think_they all are."

"I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again."

It made sense that Charlie was trying to protect his daughter.

"Fine," Bella agreed. But her voice gave away she didn't agree at all.

"Oh." He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise.

_Huh? I thought she would put up more of a fight._

"I thought you were going to be difficult."

"I am. I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out.'"

Charlie's mind exploded. _Move out. Has she lost her mind? That kid is wrong for her. He is planting things in her head._

Not so much, his daughter was just very stubborn.

"Dad, I don't _want _to move out," she said in a softer tone. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."

She said it with confidence.

"Not under my roof," Charlie stormed.

"Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight—or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella—"

"Think it over," Bella insisted. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I _really_need a shower."

Charlie was reluctant to leave but he relented. His mind was as angry as the way he stormed out of the room and down the stairs.

As the door closed behind Charlie, I moved to Bella's rocking chair, the moment she stepped out of bed.

"Sorry about that," she whispered.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse," I murmured. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

I knew Charlie loved his daughter and that he had every right to be angry and concerned. I didn't want to cause a rift between them. Who knew how much time they had left together? If Bella got her way, she would soon be separated from him. I wanted her to spend her time loving him, not fighting with him.

"Don't worry about it," Bella dismissed it as she gathered her bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. "I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that."

"Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?" she said, pretending to be shocked.

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"

Of course she would. And while I knew the risks of an accident prone Bella under our roof, the idea thrilled me more than it admittedly should.

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…" she grinned. "If Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"

I prayed Charlie wouldn't kick her out. I knew he wouldn't either but Bella's eagerness bothered me. She didn't want to marry me, but she did want to be an immortal. Talk about strange priorities. Most girls dreamed of a wedding, not of becoming doomed.

But Bella wasn't ordinary. Quite the opposite.

"So eager for eternal damnation," I muttered.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I?" I fumed.

"No. You don't."

I started to speak to correct her but Bella cut me off.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't—you said '_Amazing. Carlisle was right,'"_she reminded me triumphant. "There's hope in you, after all."

For once, I was speechless. Hope for me? How desperate I wanted for that to be true. Maybe she was right, I remembered how it had felt to catch her in my arms as she ran into me, trying to save me from exposing myself. I'd believed I was dead and in heaven.

"So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" Bella suggested. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."

I got up slowly and put my hands on either side of Bella's face. Much more gentle than before.

"Forever," I vowed, still a little staggered as I stared into her chocolate eyes.

"That's all I'm asking for," Bella said, and she stretched up on her toes so that she could press her lips to mine.

And in that kiss I found my answer. Maybe I wasn't ready for Bella become an immortal right now. Maybe I needed the time I had promised her to make her trust me again. In a way I needed to learn to trust her too. Trust that she knew what she was doing.

But a few things I was certain of.

I loved her and I would spend every moment showing her so that she would never have to worry about me leaving her again.

I wished she would say yes and become my wife but the idea was probably too much to process for her at the moment.

I had patience, I could wait.

More than anything I simply wanted to be with her.

_Forever._

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**A/N: there's still an epilogue left. Thanks for all the support. I appreciate it :)**

**Almost weekend, have a good one.**


	25. Epilogue: Treaty

******Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, dialogues, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.**

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**EPILOGUE: TREATY**

Almost everything was back to normal.

As far as anything in my world could be considered normal.

There was still a rogue vampire on the loose with the desire to kill my only love.

There was a new pack of young and volatile wolves. One of them friends with my only love.

So maybe things weren't all that normal after all. Even for someone used to abnormal this was unfamiliar territory.

A few things had gone back to the way they'd been before.

The hospital had welcomed Carlisle back with eager arms, not even bothering to conceal their delight that Esme had found life in Los Angeles so little to her liking.

I had resumed my schedule from the beginning of the year, which put me in most of Bella's classes. Jasper had easily forged some transcripts with grades from classes we had never taken at Beverly Hills High school - he had copied the school letter head and logo perfectly - which meant we were on track to graduate in little over a month.

Because Bella had missed a Calculus test when we'd been in Italy, she had to make up for that in order to graduate too. I helped her study for that as much as I could because I felt guilty for being the reason she needed to make up for the test in the first place.

I was allowed inside the Swan house again, though Charlie was not happy with me; he ignored me completely during the visiting hours he had set ebcuase Bella was on house arrest. During those hours, we'd fill in stacks of college apllications much to Bella's disapproval. She was still hoping to be changed after graduation, meaning she didn't see the point of applying at various school across the country. I had to explain to her that we needed to keep up a pretense of going to college, regardless whether or not we went.

I of course hoped we would, because it would buy me time and keep Bella human for a while longer, preferably at least a few more years. And she deserved to have the college experience too. She was a smart girl and shouldn't throw away her human life because she was afraid of getting older than me or because monsters were lurking in the dark to claim her.

That included me. I wanted to claim her too.

Right now, my terms were a little precarious. If Bella wanted me to be the one to change her, she'd either marry me or give me more time.

Either choice didn't appeal to Bella very much and I tried not to bring up the condition of marriage too much because Bella managed to distract me every time I did

It was mainly physical distractions she tried on me - successfully, may I add. After all, we had to make up for lost time and were "grossly affectionate" according to Emmett - who shouldn't talk, giving his extra curricular activities with Rosalie.

At school things had settled into a slightly strained social structure. Bella's friends left her alone for the most part now that I was back at her side. Angela was the only one who seemed genuinely happy for Bella that my family had returned, while Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley were skeptical whether or not we would stay. I understood from their minds that Bella had lived in almost complete solitude during the time my family and I had been away.

Her friends had seen her deteriorate in the months of my absence going from depressed to near apathic. She'd barely gone out and the only person she had kept a regular company with was Jacob Black.

I was grateful he had saved her life, because she could have drowned after jumping off that darn cliff had he not been there to get her out of the water. But I did struggle with my own emotions in regards to their friendship. Bella didn't notice, because I kept it pushed down and only responded in a polite manner whenever she mentioned him.

I tried not to feel envy and jealousy when I thought of how he'd been the one to support her. He had managed to get her out of a black hole and I should be grateful for that too. If he hadn't, she might have jumped off that darn cliff with the purpose of suicide instead of extreme sports.

But I was also aware of the feelings he harbored for Bella. And months ago, when he didn't see her often, those feelings had been merely a crush, like a boy his age would have.

Now, things might be different. After all, he had spent months in her presence. Surely his crush would have bloomed into true romantic feelings. This was Bella after all and most of the males in her surroundings were inclined to feel a need to date her.

Bella was happy for the most part. She always wore a smile for me and seemed at peace when I was around. This was good because it meant she was starting to trust me again.

But not everything was perfect. Bella was distracted sometimes, her face crumbled in a mask of worry or pain. There was something missing.

Or rather, _someone._

Jacob Black.

And so, while I was certain he wished me gone so he could willingly take my place, I also had to take into consideration the idea that Bella had developed stronger feelings for him as well. They weren't the same kids who had made mudpies together. They were sharing something deeper now.

While I wasn't human enough to comprehend how deep those feelings were and whether or not they were romantic feelings, the regular dropping of his name told me she cared for him enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

I didn't want him to have a piece of her heart but her occasional mood swings did seem to hint at the idea she missed him.

More than I wanted her to.

I worried about the danger he presented to her too. He was a wolf, she was a human. I may have impeccable self control, but a young wolf certainly didn't.

I dared not voice my opinion though. Whenever Bella would mention him, I'd simply remain as neutral as I could.

"It's just plain rude!" Bella vented one Saturday afternoon when I picked her up from work.

I didn't enjoy the idea of her having to work for her money – I had plenty but Bella was already too stubborn to accept any gifts, the mention of money usually got us into an argument, so I didn't try to reason with her about it - often.

I also detested the idea of Mike Newton's close proximity because as ever his thoughts demanded me to beat them out of him, which I couldn't do for obvious reasons- Bella warned me to tune Mike out, if he bothered me that much.

I had tried but it seemed impossible. The only thoughts I ever wanted to hear were the ones I was never able to reach. Unless Bella voiced them.

"Downright insulting!"

She'd been doing this for a while. Vent about the fact Jacob didn't want to see her anymore. I supposed it was wrong for me to be secretly pleased with the fact she was grounded and the fact he didn't want to be in contact.

Bella was already in as much danger as she could possibly be with Victoria on the loose and the Volturi lurking. Jacob and his pack would only be a distraction to us all.

The last thing Bella needed was to hang around a pack of young wolves.

And if I was truly honest with myself, I didn't want to share her with him. But I couldn't tell Bella that. I had to be supportive and perhaps I was feeling this jealousy because I didn't have a clear picture of what their friendship entailed.

Alice had told me they were close, but that Bella's future hadn't changed.

"She will still become one of us," she'd told me a few weeks after we were back. "Jacob Black can't change that."

"Billy said he didn't _want _to talk to me," Bella fumed, as she glared outside, watching the rain wash down the windows of the car.

"That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

"It's not you, Bella," I said quietly. "Nobody hates you."

"Feels that way," she muttered, as she folded her arms across her chest stubbornly.

A part of me didn't want her to care so much, but I also loved her for caring about her friend. The two feelings couldn't be reconciled.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," I explained. "He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."

"That's stupid. He knows you're not… like other vampires."

I had picked up on Jacob Black's thoughts on me a long time ago. He would hate me regardless of the fact I was his mortal enemy. I was also the one standing in the way of his affections for Bella.

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."

"Bella, we are what we are," I explained quietly. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k—" I broke off, and then quickly continued phrasing my word differently. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."

I silently kicked myself for uttering the words, knowing Bella wouldn't be pleased that I had uttered such a threat, even in passing.

"Edward Cullen," she whispered. "Were you about to say '_killed _him? Were you?"

I had to look away from her, and opted for staring in the rain instead. The red light in front of us turned green and I started forward, driving very slowly, which was not my usual style.

"I would try… very hard… not to do that," I finally said.

Killing one of the Quileute's would undoubtedly cause a war but I'd be willing to start it if Bella would get harmed at their hands. Or paws.

Bella stared at me with her mouth hanging open, but I ignored her and continued to look straight ahead. We were paused at the corner stop sign.

"Well," she said, and took a deep breath, shaking her head in a way that made me wish for one single glimpse into her mind.

"Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."

I kept to Charlie's strict curfew. I was allowed to pick her up for school and from work - and get her home on time - because thankfully Charlie had enough common sense to not let his accident prone daughter wander around town alone.

She turned to look at me, smiling halfheartedly.

Our eyes met and for a moment all I could see was her. And I had no doubt she loved me and finally believed I would never leave her. The electricity crackled between us, humming thickly in the small space of the car. I wanted nothing more but to kiss her and bask in her warmth, but something broke through the wonderful barrier of being in our own little bubble before I could act on the impulse.

_Charlie._

He was angry. Very angry. I caught images of a bright red motor cycle in the Swan's yard, while Charlie was huffing and giving Jacob angry glares.

Jacob Black. He had dropped off a little surprise for Bella. Not a pleasant one.

The motor cycle she had mentioned. The vehicle which recklessness had brought Bella closer to me in her mind.

Charlie was ready to revoke any kind of freedom Bella had regained after our return. He was seething at the idea of Bella using her saved up money to buy that monstrosity and behind his back too.

I had to agree with him on that. It was a monstrosity.

"You're already in more trouble Bella," I whispered through unmoving lips.

Bella slid closer, clutching my arm as she followed my gaze to see what I was seeing.

But there was nothing there for her to see. The words were all in my head. Jacob was smug, Charlie was screaming.

"What? What is it?"

I took a deep breath. "Charlie…"

"My dad?" she screeched.

I looked down at Bella then, giving her a calm expression as Charlie's words echoed in my head.

_I am going to kill her. And then she is going to be grounded for life. Motor cycles, cliff diving? I don't think she ever gave Renée this much trouble. What has gotten in to her? Edward Cullen I bet_, he silently huffed.

"Charlie… is probably _not _going to kill you, but he's thinking about it," I told her. I started to drive forward again, down Bella's street, but I passed the house and parked by the edge of the trees.

"What did I do?" she gasped.

I glanced back at the house. Bella followed my gaze, and she noticed for the first time what was parked in the driveway next to the cruiser. Shiny, bright red, impossible to miss.

Her motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.

"No!" Bella gasped. "_Why_? Why would Jacob do this to me?"

I didn't have to read her mind or be Jasper to sense the emotions that were coursing through her. They were all there, evident on her face.

Shock, pain and then murderous anger.

"Is he still here?" she hissed.

"Yes. He's waiting for us there." I told her, nodding toward the slender path that divided the dark fringe of the forest in two.

Bella jumped out of the car, launching herself toward the trees, her hands already balled into fists to throw the first punch.

I was not going to let her fight her friend. Even if it would be enjoyable to watch him get pummeled. But I couldn't risk her getting hurt. And she would get hurt, even if he let her pummel him.

I caught her around the waist before she made it to the path.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! _Traitor_!" she shouted toward the trees.

"Charlie will hear you," I warned her "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."

Bella glanced back at the motor cycle and her fury rose up again.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." She struggled futilely to break free.

"Jacob Black wants to see _me_. That's why he's still here."

The confession, picked up from Jacob's mind , stopped Bella in her track. She went limp against me and let out a shuddering breath.

She was afraid.

"Talk?" she asked.

"More or less."

"How much more?" Her voice shook with the question.

She was worried we would fight. And given my sincere threat in the car, I supposed her feelings were semi-justified.

He wanted to fight me too and was currently entertaining thoughts of ripping my throat out. He knew he couldn't do it without starting a war or hurting Bella, but he enjoyed the visual nonetheless.

I smoothed her hair back from her face. "Don't worry; he's not here to fight me. He's acting as… spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh."

I looked at the house again, then tightened my arm around Bella's waist and pulled her toward the woods.

"We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient."

We didn't have to go far; Jacob waited just a short ways up the path. He lounged against a mossy tree trunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter. His thoughts were screaming profanities at me but I ignored them.

His eyes left Bella's moving frame and landed on me.

If looks could kill and I wasn't indestructable to begin with...

His mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. He stood on the balls of his feet – which were bare, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists.

He was trying very hard to stay in control – and with that in his human form. But the sight of Bella and me walking up to him – walking so closely together – made it hard for him to remain composed.

I stopped as soon as we saw him, leaving a wide space between us in case he wouldn't be able to restrain himself.

I turned my body, shifting Bella so that she was behind me. But Bella, stubborn and curious as she was - leaned around me to stare at Jacob—accusing him with her eyes.

"Bella," Jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward her without looking away from me.

"Why?" she whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in her throat. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"

The sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. "It's for the best."

_If Bella is grounded, the bloodsucker has to stay from her._

"What is _that _supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to _strangle _me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to _him_?"

Jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn't answer.

The thoughts about his motives hadn't reached that far. He had solely acted on the need to keep me away from Bella and the other way around. He hadn't even thought about what his actions could possibly trigger in Charlie and how that could affect his health.

"He didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me," I murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn't say.

Jacob's eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at me again.

_Get the hell out of my head, bloodsucker._

"Aw, Jake!" Bella groaned. "I'm _already _grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"

Jacob's eyes flashed back to Bella, confused for the first time. "That's why?" he asked, and then locked his jaw, like he was sorry he'd said anything.

_So the bloodsucker didn't keep her from me, it was Charlie. Good. And I know she wants to see me._

I didn't like the idea his thoughts wrapped around the idea of Bella being kept from him. She was not_ his_. She belonged with me.

"He thought _I _wouldn't let you, not Charlie," I explained again.

"Stop that," Jacob snapped.

I didn't answer.

Jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. "Bella wasn't exaggerating about your… abilities," he said through his teeth. "So you must already know why I'm here."

The treaty. He wanted to remind me of the key points.

"Yes," I agreed in a soft voice. "But, before you begin, I need to say something."

I owed him my gratitude. Even if I didn't trust him and didn't like him, I was still fair enough to thank him for keeping Bella alive.

Jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the urge to phase in front of us. This would be easier for him to be in his wolf-form in order to handle this, I realized.

"Thank you," I said sincerely, because I truly meant it. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence."

Jacob stared at me blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. He exchanged a quick glance with Bella, but she seemed just as mystified.

_Huh, what is he talking about?_

"For keeping Bella alive," I clarified my voice rough and fervent. "When I… didn't."

"Edward—," Bella started to say, but I held one hand up, my eyes on Jacob.

Understanding washed over Jacob's face before the hard mask returned. "I didn't do it for your benefit."

_I wished she wouldn't have saved you. You didn't deserve to be saved, you deserve worse than hell. _

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

Jacob raised one black brow.

_Give her up. So she can be with me._

I shook my head. "That's not in my power."

"Whose, then?" Jacob growled.

I looked down at Bella. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."

Bella and I locked eyes and for a moment none of this existed. I couldn't hear Jacob's thoughts because he wasn't here. I was too lost in Bella's deep eyes and she was lost in mine. It was just the two of us.

"Never," she whispered, still locked in my eyes, forgetting Jacob black and her father ranting in the background.

Jacob's gagging sound broke our reverie.

Bella unwillingly broke free from my gaze to frown at Jacob.

"Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble—mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do _that_. What more do you want?"

I was thrilled by her words and glad she dismissed him like that. But her voice sounded strained and betrayed her emotions. She was angry but she also missed him and felt sad about their separation.

Jacob kept his eyes on me as he spoke icily.

"I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty chat is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."

"We haven't forgotten," I said at the same time that Bella demanded, "What key points?"

Jacob still glowered at me, but he answered Bella. "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. _Bite_, not kill," he emphasized. Finally, he looked at Bella. His eyes were cold, his thoughts even more so.

_That's what you want right. Bite her, turn her into a bloodsucker. It's not going to happen. Not unless you want me to finish what you should have finished yourself before Bella was stupid enough to save you._

"That's none of your business," Bella said wryly, understanding why he had specified his answer like that.

But Jacob had assumed I wanted to change her. Not that she wanted to herself.

_What the hell…she wants him to?_

"The hell it—" was all he managed to choke out.

Bella's answer sent Jacob into near convulsions. He pressed his fists hard against his temples to try and restrain himself but it was difficult. His thoughts were in a frenzy, as he tried to control the spasms. His face turned sallow green under his russet colored skin.

Clearly he was losing control and possibly about to phase. And I could not let that happen around Bella.

"Jake? You okay?" Bella asked anxiously.

She took a half-step toward him, but I caught her and yanked her back behind my own body.

"Careful! He's not under control," I warned her.

My words triggered something in him and his thoughts hissed at me in disgust.

_Don't compare me to you, bloodsucker, I only *save* her. _

He scowled at me with pure hate. "Ugh_. I _would never hurt her."

_Unlike you._

Neither Bella nor I missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped my lips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively, hoping for a fight.

_Bring it, leech._

But it never got to that, because Charlie interrupted us.

"BELLA!" Charlie's roar echoed from the direction of the house. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!"

All of us froze, listening to the silence that followed.

Bella was the first to speak; her voice trembled. "Crap."

Jacob's furious expression faltered. "I _am _sorry about that," he muttered. "I had to do what I could— I had to try…"

_To keep *him* away from you._

"Thanks." The tremor in Bella's voice ruined the sarcasm. She stared up the path, probably half-expecting Charlie to come barreling through the wet ferns to come gether and lock her up for life.

"Just one more thing," I said to Bella, and then looked at Jacob. "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line—have you?"

"The last time was while Bella was… away. We let her think she was slipping through—we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her—"

He spoke the words aloud for Bella's sake, whose face faltered at his answer.

"But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

I nodded. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll—"

"She killed on our turf," Jacob hissed. "She's ours!"

_Don't you dare touch her._

Jacob Black was fooling himself if he thought we were going to let her slip if she came near Bella.

"No—," Bella began to protest both declarations.

"_BELLA_! I _SEE _HIS CAR AND I _KNOW _YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T _INSIDE _THIS HOUSE IN _ONE _MINUTE… !" Charlie didn't bother to finish his threat.

"Let's go," I said.

Bella looked back at Jacob, torn up. She didn't want him to go, not while things were this strained between them. But what she failed to understand was that the world she lived in most of the time - my world - collided with Jacob's. The two only meshed. Even he knew that.

"Sorry," he whispered in a low voice.

"Bye, Bells."

"You promised," she reminded him desperately. "Still friends, right?"

Jacob shook his head slowly, and I felt Bella tremble beside me.

"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but… I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…"

_Now that he is back, there's no room for me. Not until he leaves._

Jacob sounded defeated, he struggled to keep his hard mask in place but it wavered for a small second in which I realized how much he was hurting. He loved her. It wasn't the way I loved her – he didn't have centuries of loneliness to reap from - but he did love her.

And so, I couldn't hate him. I could never hate anyone who loved Bella.

It still didn't mean I liked him nor that I didn't see him as a threat with being a wolf, but I no longer resented him for caring about Bella so much.

"Miss you," he mouthed at Bella before his tough composure reappeared as he glanced at me.

_So much. _

One of his hands reached toward Bella, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were long enough to cross the distance between them.

"Me, too," she choked out. Her hand reached toward his across the wide space.

"Jake…" Bella took a step toward him...

I pullerd her back out of protection, because Jacob's thoughts were still mixed and all over the place. He was emotional and wolves in an emotional state were unpredictable.

It was wrong and I hated it when Bella looked at me with trust, trying to assure me Jacob wouldn't harm her.

"It's okay," Bella promised me, looking up to read my face with trust in her eyes.

"No, it's not," I argued.

"Let her go," Jacob snarled, furious again. "She _wants _to!" He took two long strides forward. A glint of anticipation flashed in his eyes. His chest seemed to swell as it shuddered.

I pushed Bella behind me, wheeling to face Jacob. He was volatile and I had the right to protect Bella, even if they both didn't understand.

"No! Edward—!"

"ISABELLA _SWAN_!"

"Come on! Charlie's mad!" Her voice was panicked, but not because of Charlie now. I realized she worried Jacob would hate her. Only I knew he never could

"Hurry!"

Bella tugged at me and I relaxed a little. I pulled Bella back slowly, always keeping my eyes on Jacob as we retreated.

Jacob watched us with a dark scowl on his bitter face. The anticipation drained from his eyes, and then, just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain.

He loved her and this hurt him. Everything he had built in months had been shattered by our reunion. But I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty for I had known worse pain than Jacob Black would ever be able to comprehend.

So I kept my arm tight around Bella's waist, holding her close, hoping to comfort her as she watched him retreat.

We had some serious problems.

Very serious problems.

But they were nothing compared to the darkness that had surrounded us for months.

I squeezed Bella gently. "I'm here."

She drew in a deep breath and released it with a sigh.

I _was_ here. With Bella.

As long we had each other we could face anything.

_Together._

* * *

**Well, this is it. Fallen Horizon is complete. Lots of blood, sweat and tears but thanks to all the support I hopefully managed to create Edward's world when he was away from Bella. **

**Thank you all. Hope to see you for a round of Eclipse :)**


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